My tongue is DRY, And I'm out of Gatorade®

Here's to you, Mr. All-You-Can-Eat-Crotch-Buffet (permalink). Could he really be in search of the elusive vag potato?

hey you lovely lovely ladies in wdc. if anybody wants hang out with a guy, who doesn't understand grammar and proper punctuation: also doesn't use proper capitalisation; and writes some words in the english way rather than the american way. also to get involved with a man who likes to make motorboat noises when you are straddling my face. the programme is this: the recitation of the alphabet when my tongue is sticking out when the sushi buffet is open, sorry to be so blunt about it; sushi! sushi! sushi! albacore and eel, why don't you sit on my face and give me a meal? you won't regret it. no freaks.

He gets letters:

"I love you Mr. Banana Hammock!"

"your posts are hilarious - I hope you find someone that appreciates that"

Single White Mariachi Likes Skinny Girls and Big Melons!

The Phantom of the Bordello photoshopped a few pictures of me with a guitar in front of art. This is the second in the single white mariachi series.

I'm a single, 30-something professional Mariachi who's into skinny girls and big melons. I was trained in Urban Hip Hop Mariachi and am a champion Jarabe Tapatio dance battler. I possess movie star good looks and have firm buttocks, so you should too! I'm in reasonable shape and have strong and calloused fingers that yearn to touch and rub. Touch and rub with extreme sensuosity. My favorite foods are chips, salsa, and, of course, melons.

I embrace the concept of living by the warriors codes of the ancients and the teachings of the book “I'm OK – You're OK.”

Think Enterprise! Think vertical (or horizontal) plug-and-play

I wrote one of these before, with little to show for. Let's see if a few more sexy jargony double-entendres captures the heart of the businesswoman of my dreams!

Envisioneer this potential partnership. You are my primary action item. I will be leveraging core competencies to redefine synergistic infrastructures in order to incubate impactful platforms for our potential quasi-frictionless interfacing. Through position planning change and macro partnering we will realize cooperative throughput outcomes. My aptitude to target holistically leads to the power to deliver robustly. I will orchestrate intuitive deliverables that will enable high-end solutions to meet any unforseen challenges and take advantage of potential opportunities. My plan, architected to provide tighter integration and deeper collaboration, will repurpose strategic content to enable you to recognize greater results from our potential collaboration, streamline efficiencies in the supply chain, and reduce costs. My outside-of-the-box thinking will have you shifting your paradigm, baby!

Drew? Drew Barrymore?

I think Drew Barrymore is adorable. And Kayla agrees!

Hi, I am an all-American white guy, intrigued by the adorableness of Drew Barrymore. There is something about playfulness of her eyes, her all-American beauty, her style, and ample breasts that draws me to her. Since I probably don’t have a chance in hell with the real Drew Barrymore, I would love to get to know a woman that looks and acts like her. Or Drew, if you’re interested, I know that discretion may have to be a rule. I am willing to live by that.:-) If this is something that sounds interesting to you write back, and let me know a bit about yourself. You will need to have large breasts, 3 rutabagas (not turnips), a can of Moujan Depilatory Foam Spray, a liter of olive oil, and a sense of humor for what I am planning. Let's get all-American together and do something exotic. Pic for pic.

He gets letters:

"What do you have in mind? On second thought, please do not tell me now unless it is clean in nature. I am at work right now. My home email is XXXXXXXXXXX & will use that email only when not at work. For now, I am stuck here till 4:30 this afternoon. Send me a pic."

Let me rub your boobs

Definitely. Not. Married. Just can't host and needs to be discreet (permalink)....

SWM/36, professional (goose wrangler). I am looking for a woman who'd like me to rub and kiss their boobs. While I'm not looking for sex or for a relationship, I wouldn't turn down the sex. Let me think about the relationship. Ultimately, though, I'd really just love to rub and kiss your boobs.

You should be between 23 and 33. Please be cute and have "pretty boobs." Size is less important than shape and overall rubability. I know that there are "better parts" of a woman to rub and kiss, and I'll rub and kiss those "better parts" if you want. Unlike most men, I enjoy touching and rubbing and kissing boobs!

I am (otherwise) a pretty "normal" guy. I also enjoy snake wrangling (as opposed to goose wrangling, which is my profession), volcano surfing, the Macarena, and extreme golf...

I am not married and definitely don't have a wife. I prefer discretion and need to travel to you. My apartment is messy. No wife. Or kids. Help me live this sweet fantasy... I like boobies!!! :)

I get email:

"ok, that was pretty funny i've got to admit. -- the footrub guy"

Seeking a coprophagic relationship with a nice normal girl

Man wants to help you induce lactation. I know what you're thinking, but he's nice...and normal...(permalink).

I'm a nice and normal guy seeking a nice and normal girl, but in addition to all the nice and normal normal stuff that we do, I'm interested in coprophagia. I must admit that is sounded weird even to me at first, but it's actually quite normal. Even dogs do it! It doesn't even have to be sexual in nature either. You'll find it quite relaxing and I'll find it quite filling. Yum. Please be free of parasitic worms. This is not meant to be anything bizarre like me smearing feces all over my body and throwing it around as well, although some kooks do that also.

If you want an honest, straightforward, happy, peaceful relationship with a guy who is long term "keeper" material, a guy that you can bring home to mother, a guy that is interested in eating poop, then drop me a line.

No freaks! Thanks!

Sexy Guy + (You Sexy Woman) = Exponential Sexiness

Yummmmmm. Sexy (permalink).

Hey sexy ladies, just writing to hook up with any of you sexy attractive ladies on Craigslist who are looking for a weekend fraught with sexiness. I'm in bat guano import and refining and I just closed a huge account this week and the boss showed his appreciation by giving me access to the company X-Wing all weekend. Naboo? Tatooine? Endor and party with Ewoks? What sounds good to you???

Yes, sexy lady! I'm looking for a quick f*** or a one night stand. Sexy gorgeous, sexy attractive or even sexy hottie woman…you who loves to have a good time and wants to do something sex-related this weekend. If you are a little unsure about hanging out with an unknown, but sexy, stranger, it doesn't even have to be like a monogamous sort of thing. Bring sexy girlfriends along and we’ll tour the galaxies having sex and be ambassadors for sexiness and have a great time. The only expectation I have is that we will have sex.

Send me photos of your smoldering sexiness! I’ll send you more photos of me looking terribly sexy indeed! Sexy sex sex!

Mr. BH

Looking for Godly Woman Who Believes Sex is a Shameful Act Against God

Not my best effort, been kind of busy and not many inspiring posts lately (that I've come across). I had to use this great photo the Phantom made for me and then today this guy posts looking for a Christian woman to marry or something. The second and third paragraphs just slay me (permalink)...

Single Christian male seeking a good Christian lady who believes sex is a shameful act against God except for making babies. I live alone with a complete collection of Davey and Goliath videos. I attend church on a regular basis, but have not met there what I am looking for: a white female virgin for some godly Christian courtship with the intent of marriage and children. So I am trying this over the Internet. I believe a man and a woman should spend time together in prayer, judging the unsaved.

Not interested in Catholics, Presbyterians, Methodists, Episcopalians, Secular Humanists, Vegans, Europeans, or any other such cultists who might introduce me to exotic new ideas that might cause me to question my True Christian Beliefs. I will, however, pray for your quick end and a speedy journey to a very hot place, where you will be spending all eternity wishing you were playing Stud Poker with Jesus and the Apostles rather than roasting in a literal lake of fire, Amen.

He gets letters:

"I hope you're joking! You are not a true Christian at all if you are A. Sitting around judging people & B. Wishing bad things to happen to others ( saved or unsaved). God & Jesus & Christianity is about Love & compassion & helping your fellow humans."

"You aren't very picky are you?"

International Playboy seeking Sexy Women for Polyamorous Relationship

The Phantom has photoshopped me some wonderful new pictures for cl ads. Thanks!

Hi,

I'm a SWM, 36, 6'1" tall, 168# with brown hair and eyes. I'm healthy, active, disease-free, enjoy variety, and into silk pajamas and straw hats. I'm looking for attractive and busty blond women with nice lingerie to join me in my large, rotating, heart-shaped bed.

Let's exchange pics and go from there. This is a sincere post that requires a sincere response. No Freaks.

Best regards,

Mr. BH

Single White Mariachi Looking for a Skinny Girl with Firm Buttocks

Weird. Like this guy, I too seem to hit it off with women with nice firm dancer bodies (permalink).


I'm a single, 30-something professional Mariachi who's a Magical Realist at heart. I was trained in Classical Mariachi and occasionally dance the Jarabe Tapatio. I seem to get along with skinny girls with movie star good looks and firm buttocks, so if you're one of those I'm certain that we will get along swimmingly. I'm in reasonable shape and play with myself regularly. I aspire to be a healthy eater, but I often find myself eating chips and salsa, whole raw onions, and drinking Coronas.

I've been to places all NOVA, plus Southern Maryland and West Virginia, and speak American fluently.

If I've piqued your interest, respond to my e-mail and perhaps we could speak American with one another. I will dazzle you with my well-honed lovemaking skills.

Mr. Banana Hammock is feeling the Easter spirit

Happy Easter.

I can't color your eggs, but how about a festive Easter basket?

(flagged and removed by the craigslist community)

Coulrophilic Coitus!

I'll see your fetish...and I'll raise you a fetish (permalink)...

I am seeking a sexy woman that would like to put on clown face paint, rubber nose, big red fuzzy wig, etc.

I am looking for a woman who is ready to be in a committed relationship. In grease paint. It's important that you be D&D free.

Let's meet for cotton candy and chat.

I am D&D free, 36, 6'1", 168 lbs, single, and adorable.

Please be of legal age. No Freaks.

He gets letters:

"NO FREAKS?????????????????and you are asking for a woman willing to put on a clound dress??and you ut a photos of a naked claud in your ad????Jesus! who's the F...ing freak here????"

Looking for My Doll

I think I might have done one of these before. It seems so familiar. So many guys looking for a "doll" (permalink)...

Her body is a temple of pleasure. I am sure I will not find her on here but it’s worth a shot.

I am going to lay it on the line here. I like girls with heavy latex in all the right places, have plastic mannequin-style heads and styled wigs, plastic or glass eyes, and properly molded hands and feet. Gals with a super soft Futurotic™ vagina, anus and mouth. I like gals with movable arms with soft hands and painted nails. Gals that come with multiple speed removable bullets for maximum sexual stimulation. I am certain my special doll is out there but will she find my ad and muster the courage to reply to it. I know you sexy latex women are out there, eyes wide open, mouth making a sort of “O” shape, and looking at these ads on a daily basis.

If you are looking for a guy that likes a gal that has an erotically noduled mouth, sexy long flowing hair, voluptuous and sumptuous breasts with ripe full nipples then I am your guy. OK latex ladies, if you would like to know anything about me, just email me and I will happily answer all of your questions. I've got plenty of AA batteries and Adam & Eve Fruity Booty Lube.

Look. I have pics. I have the juice. I'm a fuckin' rock star

Rock on, Rock Star. Rock on (permalink)...

What I am: An Adams Morgan denizen, a bungee-para-surfer, a wandering minstrel, a supporter of the unsupported, an eater of chicken, a thrower of Frisbees, a possessor of juice, to name a few. I'm a fuckin' rock star.

What I am not: conventional, acceptable to polite society, an eater of liver or any other organ meat, someone who would say things like "I am not someone who must fit into every click known" or "I am not someone who subscribes to majority group think" because I went through THAT phase when I was 22 or 23 or something.

The promise of warm weather is starting to motivate my lazy ass. Help get me out of my apartment. Movie, drinks, dinner, drinks, coffee, drinks, coffee drinks, good conversation, drinks, whatever we could do that could include drinks. This being craigslist, I'm looking for miracles here. Random hook-ups or any of that kind of shit would be OK by me too. I'm a fuckin' rock star after all. Hit me up.

Mr. BH

Just a fella standing in front of a woman asking her to LOVE him

How sad (permalink). Ass...

Hello I am just a fella standing in front of you asking you to LOVE him. You move to the left. I move to the left. “Love me...please,” I say. You, looking a bit angry, move to the right. I move to the right. “Please, love me. I love you!” I give you a hug and a big sloppy mouth kiss. Your anger turns to fear. I know that look, having seen it so many times before. A restraining order usually follows. Maybe I ought to work on my approach. Nah.

Sugary Sugar Daddy seeks young and hot female

Dumbass new sugar daddy on the block horning in on my young, hot and sassy action (permalink). At this rate I'm never going to get enough ladies together to turn out to make serious cash. Who'll be crowned pimp of the year? Not me, I suppose. Drat.

I am a successful 4Ever Fit Isolate Gainer 2000 model (before picture) who is a little soft and has bony "girl arms." I've been described by my mommy as sexy, handsome, fraught with comeliness, toothsome, and American, but exotically so. I am looking for a no strings friendship, mutual beneficial relationship.

I seek someone in the 18-20 range, thin/athletic, classy, mature and affectionate. No fat ankles or saying "no" or "maybe."

Please send a picture and state the type of relationship you desire.

I am sure your needs are getting greater since the summer is coming (and hopefully I will soon be too)!!!

FWB's chicks only, no dudes.

This guy (permalink), in an attempt to be near the top of craigslist (maybe he's assuming that women aren't answering because they have to make an extra effort to scroll down?), reposts his ad about 4-5 times a day. Dumbass.

6'1” ft tall
168 lbs
34 inch waist
bangin' body
replete with sensuosity/passionicity
well cologned
loves oral - receiving

No drama, no issues, just me having commitment-free sex inside all of your orifices. Can you recognize my intimacy issues? Respect the fact that I will want you gone after the sex is over? Please be attractive with bangin' body. I am worth that much. Also please be hopeless romantic as I am. Responses with pictures will get the rest of mine in return.

He gets letters:

"Three things Slim: That sucked-in paunch of yours is way more than 34 inches around. Just because you weighed 168 pounds ten years ago doesn't mean you weigh that at present. You are actually worth squat, which is exactly what you're going to get."

"i LOVE you Mr. Banana Hammock!! please keep up the good work. mocking the reality-challenged."

"Whoever told you you have a bangin body lied. What cologne do you wear? Old Spice?"

"Brilliant! What a bloody riot! Hope you get responses. Keep me posted."

hi non-sexual vaginal massages

Whiskypants says, "Apparently, this guy (permalink) is averse to all punctuation except the semi-colon. Weird. Also miscategorized. Like those guys think they're pulling one over on women by not posting this crap under casual experiences. Dumbass." Me? I'm adverse to all punctuation, including the semicolon. And I give a mean non-sexual vaginal massage...

near MtP not far from dupont circle off week end no string looking for a lady to meet i give the best non-sexual vaginal massages with a moisturizing sexual lubricant which will increase the flexibility and elasticity of your vulvar skin and the suppleness of the underlying structures of ur vagina 6 1 170 brown brown and for real no games and lets talk and meet

Entrepreneur SWM Seeks: Smart & Fertile Arm Candy

Rich guy seeks trophy wife for baby-making (permalink)...

Hello, thanks for reading. Recently retired after just having sold my crotchmosphere detector factory, looking for trophy wife committed to being knocked up for the next 3-6 years. My hobbies are parasurfing, extreme drinking, masturbating, amateur astronauting, time travel, goat-herding, pubic hair topiary design, hip hop dance-offs, and reading poetry. I'm easy on the eyes, 6'1",fit-ish, hair, a bit introverted, easy to step on as I find myself laying on the floor a lot. You hopefully can lay on top of me!

Best of luck to all on their respective searches

He gets letters:

"Thanks for the laugh. Not much going on here at work and I was posting my apartment for rent on craigslist and i stopped into men seeking women and your ad is hilarious. And you if are serious, it is even funnier."

"ahahahahah!!!! I'm laughing! That was funny but I'm hoping that it was supposed to be funny? Nice picture. I once broke up with a guy when I caught him eating his boogers. It was just beyond."

"Sometimes it's hard to find the posts you're parodying, at least not without a bit too much time spent on the 'ol internet, but I found this one easily. He actually wrote to me, expressing dismay that we were so much alike but that I did not want to have children. Probably very sincere, but if he basically wants to procreate some geniuses, there are other options out there..."

"lol...great picture sir"

Psst...you. Yes, you...I need to tell you something...

This guy's (permalink) smug alpha-maleness makes Whiskypants want to vomit. Can I make her hurl? Hmmm...I can try.

Come a little closer so I can…
* quietly tell you smoking is unladylike, I don't want to cause a scene
* wipe some of that makeup off of your face, you look a little trampy
* cut your steak for you
* pat you butt and whisper in your ear, "It's ok, baby. It's ok."

Come closer to a guy who is…
* going to be talking baby talk when talking to you
* going to be ordering your dinner for you
* not interested in your opinions
* always right

Mutual interests could include...
* me
* my wants and needs
* me
* me
* serious adult relationships

Extra points if you can tell me what the photo is supposed to mean (hint: I'm no pussy). Clearer pics available, you should have the same. .

Ham sandwiches SUCK, Without HAM on Them !

With all of the misspellings, strange capitalization and punctuation, and general weirdness, I really don't have a clue what this guy (permalink) is trying to say (and yes, I did that to my ex once)...

Ever wonder why it is I waste so much time on this site? Because I can't help myself! I have met some really nice Chicks on here :) I have met some really normal Chicks on here!!! :-) I have met one really crazy Chick on here—you know who you are Ms. Takoma Park Wiccan :-( and no, you weren't interesting, you frightened me. I don't care if the "regulars" here are sick of reading my ads or NOT !! I don't care if my cl stalker keeps posting INCOMPREHENSIBLE ads mocking my ads or NOT!!!! It's free and I wont stop even if "SHE" takes me off the market. If you are "SHE" or "Her", I am here. Just send me a picture of your BREASTS so I can give them NAMES before we MEET. “HER” or “SHE” should be a very weisse and "SHE" should have blue EYES or just EYES. “SHE” is smart enough to NOT look at the SUN when I say, pointing, “HEY, LOOK AT THE SUN!” (my X did that once)! I am a SCAMP! "SHE" should be HAPPY with my HONESTY if I tell her she is FAT or her BUTT looks BIG in those JEANS. Hopefully one of "HER" friends will PIMP her out to ME. :) "SHE" is also HAPPY with my small PENIS and will tell me it is the BIGGEST “she” has ever had. ME = GOOD Guy. If "SHE" is reading this, or one of "HER" friends are, remind "HER" that "SHE" should send a PICTURE of "HER" BREASTS with “HER” response so I can come up with adequate NAMES for them before we MEET!!!

He gets letters:

"You're fucken Fag. But I guess there is no sense of being an ASSHOLE , if you're not gonna act like one. Get a life, fuckhead."

Looking for woman for hot man on woman freakiness (Not a spoil and pamper ad)

Thanks, Whiskypants. I thought you were going to forward these gems (permalink) rather than horde them for your own blog ;-)

I am an educated, successful professional man--6'0/165-170, Brown hair/Brown eyes, 36, Gnostic Sex Cultist. I am looking for a cute youthful woman for a NSA sexual relationship. I would enjoy the company of a young naked woman in order to work my magic and freaky sex moves in an attempt to please her. I am not looking to spoil and pamper you in any way. Instead, I would derive extreme pleasure from entering you via the “Wheelbarrow position,” as this position would be very erotic for me as I would have a birds-eye view of your gorgeous buttocks and the pelvic freedom to thrust effortlessly. Knowing I played a part in your happiness would also make me happy. Also, you might enjoy what Cosmo calls the “Carnal Clench” because I could create loads of feel-good friction as I tantalize the depths of your pleasure zone. I am for real and ask that you be as well, and that your response be thoughtful. Thanks!"

Does any really take that sh*t seriously?

"Intellectual giant" (permalink) who lives in a glass house shouldn't throw stones....

My most recent predominantly current love is to read all different adds, replies, re-replies, re-re-replies, re-re-re-replies, people busting on each other, people busting on themselves, crazy people, self-absorbed people, people with low self-esteem, people with high self-esteem.......... and oh yeah, the grammer/spelling or lack thereof that people exibit.

Honestly, this add is your first impression of a person that they're themselves probably going to sleep with on the first or second date. If you cannot take the time to write a coherint sentance with no spelling errors or a paragraphs that follow some kind of logical progression, then why the f*ck would I consider replying to your add?

Anyway, I'm unimaginative. So entertain me. Now. I work in DC and there are so many hot girls walking around. Just imagine all the people you walk past every day. Just imagine that you are the king of America and you outlaw clothes for hot women. Who would make the dicisions on who would be considered hot? There are so many that it would be hard for you to judge all by yourself. Judges? Would you get to pick them? Probably, since you are the king of America. Also, think of all the hotties that you're attracted to... and you'll never have sex with like ½ of them. In real life anyway. Depressing really. But if you were the king of America, you could have sex with anyone you wanted. Who would you pick first. What if they said no. Would you put them in jail. Or imagine that you are king that everyone loves so you had sex with all. So much that your penis fell off. Scary.

So this is my home pc, but i'll only send you a pic for a pic. However, allow me to be descriptive of my presence: 6'1”, 168 lbs, brown hair, brown eyes, american looks. I've been told I'm attractive. My grandma never lied to me. Alright, thats probably enough for you to want to marry me. I could list a thousand things here describing the physical/emotional aspects I'm seeking. I want a skinny woman with big tits. And attractive. A woman that shuts up when she is told to shut up. A woman whose not crazy. A woman whose not a fat woman. A woman of my own caliber of mental strengthiness?

Curious to see if anyone actually replies to this.

He gets cl M4W responses:

"Strengthiness isn't a word "Mr. Intellectual". And there's a perfectly good reason you're 36 and single. Read your profile again. It's all in there. I just saved you a shrink invoice."

"It's ironic that you complain about incorrect spelling, yet you do it yourself almost from the beginning of your ad (NOTE: It's AD and not ADD.) "

"Of course, by posting, I'm giving this putz what he wants. But I can't resist. Besides the fact that he left "one" out of the title (anyone), how can you critique anyone's grammar/spelling/sentence structure when you produce this crap? I don't even know what the first sentence means!"

"Pretty damn funny. I especially like that you mispelled coherent in your commentary about the sack of shit, negligent writers who fail to spell check, or worse yet, are just too dumb.

I'm too lazy at the moment to change my e-mail listing with Craigs list, yeah mentally too tired, and honestly not interested in romance. So, this comcast address that shows, I've never used; maybe I'll figure it out. Life is very good in the romance departmernt, but I strayed from the platonic section, because it's dull and tiring. (I'm new to DC and want to meet people outside of work.)

Good luck in your search for the barbee who will sit up and shut up; she'll come in the form of a crazy woman who gets it. Crazy of course, in all the right ways."

Crabs Boat Cruise - All the Elimite® You Can Apply

Crab boat cruisin' for chicks (permalink)...

I bought two tickets to the Allergan Crabs Boat Cruise this Sunday as a way to meet someone new. I'm still hoping to be thunderstruck by someone I meet at my Sexaholics Anonymous group – I've already gone through half the women there but did have a great craigslist Casual Encounter once so I thought posting here might be worth a shot too!

It's this Sunday from 1-4, all the Eliminite® we can rub on our private areas (or on each others private areas). And LiceMeister® combs are provided to get rid of the eggs! I could groom your crotch! You could groom mine!
On a boat on the Potomac River!

I model designer jeans, but sometimes I model banana hammocks. Would love to meet someone who is real bendy and looks good with her legs behind her ears. Naked. Enjoys love swings. Enjoys the film work of Misty Dawn. Likes baked ketamine and amyl nitrate (you, not me). Doesn't believe in soul mates.

I'm a heartbreaker, dream maker, and love taker. However, my love is like a tidal wave and it will be spinning over your head or exploding all over your face and chest. Please send pictures of the face and chest I will be exploding all over. Have a great afternoon!

He gets letters:

"Do you like voluptuous?" (pic of extreme voluptuosity attached)

"Nice post - you'll have to let me know how it works out for you."

It Has Been Almost Fourteen Whole Hours

It's been a year since I've gotten laid (permalink). Almost all of you reading this are ugly. You're all ugly. Why can't I get laid. Write back with a picture....

Dear Someone out there,

An epidemiological study of 30,000 American men by Michael Leitzman, a cancer researcher at the National Cancer Institute in Bethesda, Maryland, has found that men who enjoy an active sex life do not risk prostate cancer in later life.

Leitzmann's found that men who ejaculate between 13 and 20 times a month had a 14% lower risk of prostate cancer that men who ejaculated on average, between 4 and 7 times a month for most of their adult life. Further, men who ejaculated upwards of 21 times a month had a 33% lower lifetime risk of prostate cancer.

I have not made love to anyone for almost fourteen hours now. I worry about my prostate health. This has to do with my unnatural fear of cancer and NOT my love of copious sex.

I'm average, 6'1” in 168 lbs. I am reticulated, mainstreamed, cultured in agar. I can't get any play because all of you reading craigslist are just SO DAMN UGLY. Inside and out. Looking to reduce my risk of cancer by 99%. I know this isn't actually scientific, but I figure from the study above, I can achieve this if I have sex 63 times a month. I have lube.

Write back with a picture.

I am the Juggeridunnomaybe

It's juggernaut, not juggernot (permalink). But if he meant it the second way, so be it. I'm just not that committal...

I need to let you all the ladies out there know a Juggeridunnomaybe is looking. I am stoppable; I will crush all in my path unless there’s something good on TV. I feel that I need to say nothing more as I am a Juggeridunnomaybe and “Little House on the Prairie” just came on so I gotta go, bitch.

He gets letters:

"That's fucking hilarious!"

I'm THE Guy

He's this guy (permalink). I'm the other guy...

I'm the guy who approaches you in a crowded bar and the raw animalistic sexuality that I ooze is unescapable, much like gravity in a black hole.

I'm the guy who looking at your breasts while talking to you, my head bobbing up and down, thinking about how nicely my face is going to fit in between them later.

I'm the guy who, while your not looking, slips a rohypnol in your chocolatini and when your sufficiently out of it, I bring you back to my Adams Morgan Compound.

I'm the guy who, back at my place having sex with you from behind, I try to stick my dick in your ass and claim that I just “slipped” when you protest.

I'm the guy who of course lied about just “slipping.”

I'm the guy who be happy nailing your hot best friend...or both of you at the same time.

I'm the guy who has no problem telling you that your butt looks big in those jeans..

I'm the guy who'll whine when I don't get my way.

I'm the guy who is 36 years old.

I'm the guy who is 6 feet tall, 168 lbs.

I'm the guy who has brown hair and eyes.

I'm the guy who is looking for a SWF, 25-35 who might be looking to get laid.

He gets letters:

"How rich! I've been following you, Mr. Banana Hammock, for a while now and you always make me laugh. While I will never let you accidently on purpose slip it in the backdoor (one must always knock first and politely at that), I did feel compelled to finally write after seeing how irate the originally poster was. Clearly, if I know you, I've been trolling the M4W section on CL for a while but this exchange made me almost snort out my cocktail. Poor guy. He doesn't have a clue. If you ever need photoshopping assistance, just let me know. I'm no expert but I'm pretty handy in a pinch. And it appears that you have no shame...so you make a perfect subject!"

"Hey I am actually responding to ur ad for a friend of mine, she is a sweet girl, 19 very NICE ass (think Jennifer Lopez) very much in shape physically, I think ur approach to women could be good for her, would u be intereasted?"

"Funny shit, given my original post. Let me know if you get any responses." original poster

He gets cl M4W response:

"Thanks for ripping off my post. We'll see who gets more responses." original poster

Emotionally Immature Older Guy for Younger Girl

Just a general shout-out to all those older guys looking for jailbait.

Hi:

I am a highly successful, educated 36 yr old swm, who is seeking a younger woman who would enjoy spending the day hanging out at the mall or drinking in a bar. I lead a very active, fun and somewhat laid back life and have realized that while I might be twice your age, my EQ is probably right around the same level of guys that you normally date. If you’re up for hanging out, let me know. I will only respond back to responses with pics...looking to get my freak on with 18-21 year old, thin, petite blonde.. I hope to hear back from all interested.

12 STEPPIN'

Hi. My name is Dave and I'm an idiot. I've been an idiot for 33 years. "Hi Dave!" (permalink)

I can correctly punctuate, spell, and hold interesting conversations

Hi ladies. My name's Mr. Banana Hammock. I'm just looking for bright, sexy, and loose women who can hold interesting and intellectual conversations while I am massaging their boobies and buttocks.

1. Paper or plastic?
2. Do you like guys in uniform?
3. Bottle in front of me or frontal lobotomy?
4. Who do you think would make a better astronaut? Madonna or Charo? "Coochie, coochie!!"
5. If I offered to give you a free pap smear, even though I am not a gynecologist, at least not a professional gynecologist, would you let me?



He gets letters:

"i liked to be spanked too!"

Virgin looking for virgin or non-virgin who can act normal

Can you either be a virgin or a non-virgin capable of "acting normal?" WTF? (permalink)

Hello, born-again, never married virgin seeks white female virgin for some godly Christian courtship or non-virgin who can act normal and is ready to re-commit her life to the baby Jesus, lord praise His name.. Not interested in Catholics, Presbyterians, Methodists, Episcopalians, Secular Humanists, Vegans, Europeans, or any other such cultists who might introduce me to exotic new ideas that might cause me to question my True Christian beliefs. I will, however, pray for your quick end and a speedy journey to a very hot place, where you will be spending all eternity wishing you were with God’s favorite people rather than having demons rip the flesh from your body, Amen.

Must be height and weight proportionate, into sunsets, walks on the beach, intelligent design, intolerance, Christian worship and fellowship, the book of Leviticus, crusading for Jesus, and judging the unsaved. Please no hang-ups or extra baggage.

He gets letters:

"good fucking luck u idiot....so when did christian beliefs have to do with weight walks on the beach....u sound like a wanna be born again....but NOT"

"Thank the lord, christ our savior! I never thought I would find someone like myself in this den of sin. It's so refreshing to find someone else who is saving themselves for the lord. I've never even been to Europe (too much, sex, drugs, muslims, and unshaved armpits). I think Europeans pretty much sealed their fate by becoming such secular societies, especially that France, and for way too much questioning (why would anyone even WANT to question faith or God?). How are you enjoying eternal damnation Martin Luther? And who do those vegans think they are anyway forsaking god's grace by not eating the animals he has so wisely and generously provided. They will truly know God's fury. I pray they all will see the error of their heathen, questioning, veggie eating ways and accept redemption. I pray for all those lost souls to one day step into the light and know Jesus' love and God's mercy. And lastly I pray that Florida beats GMU. Amen"

I am more than my ample manhood

I'm not entirely sure where I pulled this one from...

I don't think that there is any denying that fetishism for Mr. Banana Hammock exists. The question is "why?" Why the Mr. Banana Hammock fetish, and not say Asian fetish in the same magnitude? The most honest response you will get from the fetishists is some variation of "I'm not sure why, I just feel this chemistry for Mr. Banana Hammock." What I think it comes down to is purely hot man on woman animalistic sensuality. At some point, females have equated Mr. Banana Hammock to raw sexual lust, which, in fetishist terminology is synonymous with "chemistry" and "exoticism."

What is to blame for the prevalence of situation where craigslist women are sexualizing Mr. Banana Hammock? Who knows? Fantasizing about Mr. Banana Hammock while firing up their Eager Beaver Wireless or Genuine Sanrio Hello Kitty vibrators for a hot night of extreme girl-on-self sexiness. Maybe, while your vibrating yourself, you dream that Mr. Banana Hammock enters your room, removes his polyester buffalo shirt, runs his fingers through his chest hair, and growls? Or maybe you imagine Mr. Banana Hammock, sans pants, doing jumping jacks or other feats of athleticism, while you, watching his ample manhood rise and fall. Rise and fall.

No doubt thoughts like those above can be hypnotizing, mesmerizing, and send most women into a frothy puddle of lust. I mean, who could blame them? Mr. Banana Hammock oozes raw animal passion and his mere presence has been known to induce spontaneous labor in pregnant women. However, Mr. Banana Hammock is much more than supreme authority on man on woman sensuality, practiced in the arts of over 5 sex moves and knowledgeable on the ancient secrets of tongue-loving on spots of high erogenousness.

Mr. Banana Hammock is also a sensitive soul. A protector of small animals and children. A smeller of flowers. A hugger of trees. A reader of books. An eater of pancakes. A greeter to the ungreeted. But none discover these truths and have difficulty experiencing Mr Banana Hammock on all of his levels.

It's no wonder when you think about it. If I were a woman, chances are I too would get flushed and tingly down below at the very thought of Mr. Banana Hammock.

He gets letters:

"Years ago I was hiking in Moab and as I was climbing up the side of a rock wall a guy was coming down, he was wearing nothing but hiking boots and a fanny pack. Was that you and if so, why did you scratch me out of the photo, it hurts my feelings. All my love."