Let us not be kidding yourself

He leads:

You are a woman. A woman who desires to be with a strong man I am a strong man. Perhaps I am the strong man you desire to be with? Strong in the sense that he is there to lead the relationship. You will follow. He leads with the common sense to initiate communication on matters that affect the heart; you will trust him when he tells you to “shut up”; he leads by discouraging your weakness; he leads by the simple fact that you follow; he leads by affirming your femininity and knowing full well that he has the last word on matters (because after all you’re just a girl); he leads by proper spelling and the semicolon; he leads knowing that humbling himself by making mistakes or dancing poorly does not make his weak in your eyes but strengthens your love for him otherwise he’ll beat you; and finally he leads by satisfying your erogenous areas with his patented sexual techniques that are guaranteed to make you warble like a woodcock and shudder like a poorly tuned diesel engine. Employing bad similes, he leads.

Where are you missing girls?

Today they ask: Where is she?

Where are you?

I haven't found that lady that will look at me in a fawning way, enjoy a good laugh at her expense, looks awesome on her knees, and is willing to watch me play my Xbox. Splinter Cell.

Where is that lady that will drop everything she is doing to go out to the Renaissance Festival and watch me joust and parade around in a cod-piece. Where is that lady that will be willing to cater to my every whim, desire and need even if they sound foolish to them?

If you know this special lady, let me know, big reward !!

Arriverderla!

Seriously Open Minded

Lots of folks with open minds on the list today...

Recently self-trepanned so very open minded seeking like-minded female who will let me drill an 8mm hole in her skull so she can be equally open minded. Oh, I also like art.

Nice guys finishing last? What about the unbalanced multiple posters?

Nice guys must finish last because this guy reposts the same ad every damn day.

Slightly insane multiple poster here....so if you aren't looking for one of us, just click the Back button already. Don't continue reading because you probably want someone more balanced and you'd be wasting your time on this ad.

Ok now that I've weeded out the normals, I'll address the rest of you lovely, ahem, ladies.

*monkey noises*

Wow tough crowd out there tonight....I tell ya I get no respect, no respect at all. Why the other day A ham sandwich walks into a bar and says., “bartender, give me a whiskey sour.” Bartender says, “sorry sir, we do not serve food here.”

*fingernails on a chalk board*

Geez you people are killin’ me...just killin’ me…yesterday I went to see my shrink…I was wearing my Saran Wrap® business suit...She says, “'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.”

*stunned silence*

I figure the 300th time posting this will be a charm...

He gets letters:

"I like monkey noises and i think you are hilarious, you made me giggle. and by the way, i love monkey noises. me, i'm somewhat insane but manage to get by on a day to day basis." (repeat offender)

Successful entrepreneur seeks...

I'm joining the ranks of successful entrepreneurs that post on craigslist...

Let me describe myself first then I'll talk about what I'm seeking!!! I am a handsome, fun loving, food loving, well-educated, time-traveled white guy running my own spelling and punctuation factory startup in Adams Morgan. Physically, I am 6'0", 170 lbs, in good shape from daily elliptical training and still have a full head of brown hair (one or two grey ones from my last relationship, thanks H if you’re reading this!!). I do love the outdoors and sports but love to dance as well...I am partial to the white-man's overbite and the Watusi!!!! I am single...and intend to stay so until I find the right person. My hand and I have been together for over 6 months and I have no desire to hurt her. It’s just that...physically...the relationship has turned stale with a huge libido mismatch. So, I'd like to explore a relationship with a lady who is similarly situated. And yes, it would be a relationship. All these NSA ads on Craigslist notwithstanding, I can't imagine jumping into bed with someone I don't know and don't like being with...can you?! Which is why, I am posting here rather than in Casual Encounters. I can't imagine characterizing what I am seeking as an Encounter much less a Casual one!!

So, what am I seeking in you? Please be don’t be too young and be super hot!!! Please be able to keep a conversation but know when to shut up!!! You should have all your teeth!!!! Would be nice if you are aware of what’s going on in the world and were progressive/liberal in your outlook!!!! Physically, please be super hot with a bangin' bod!!!! And...please love to laugh!! And please like exclamation points!!!!! Lots of em!!!!

Now, just a little bit about my sensuality. I am a very considerate lover. I'd be best described by the lyrics to the Warrant song:

Swingin' on the front porch
Swingin' on the lawn
Swingin' where we want
'Cause there ain't nobody home
Swingin' to the left
And swingin' to the right
If I think about baseball
I'll swing all night yea
Swingin' in the living room
Swingin' in the kitchen
Most folks don't 'cause
They're too busy bitchin'
Swingin' in there 'cause
She wanted me to feed her
So I mixed up the batter
And she licked the beater

Anybody game enough to give me a whirl? I'm waiting eagerly...

He gets letters:

"I can't stop laughing at your CL post. Nothing is funnier to me than exclamation points(thank you David Sedaris), except maybe romanitc Warrant songs."

I am more bored than anyone on this board

"Broadly speaking, human beings may be divided into three classes: those who are billed to death, those who are worried to death and those who are bored to death"

- Winston Churchill

In fact I am the boredest. I could be doing my very interesting job but I'd rather waste company resources chatting with anyone who finds bored guys sexy. I'm also very uninteresting. We can talk about Battlestar Gallactica. Hit me up if interested.

He gets letters:

"How's Stargate SG1 sound? Or Elron Hubbard? Even HP Lovecraft. Is work really that boring? I just woke up from a nap. Ah. Glorious."

"I think I'm at the point where I really do want Boomer to blow her head off. Also, Starbuck's Freudian slip was hilarious. :) Glad to know there's someone out there equally uninteresting as I am...."

Contest. Prize ---------------------------> Me, Natch

They do contests...

My competition among the ladies of NW DC (I'm lazy). The prize? Me. Here's how it will work, all the women that read this ad will attach a picture of their boobs. The girl i select as having the most appealing rack will win a night out on the town and dinner at Loreal Plaza. And please don't think that nothing is implied by the dinner, I'll be laying down some serious cash. Don't worry i'm not fat or unattractive. I may be old enough to be your dad if you are younger than 14.

Snippets of a relationship

Who says romance is dead?

Driving day-trips down leaf-covered country roads, me driving and singing along off-key, at the top of my voice to Belle and Sebastian, Lloyd Cole and Leonard Cohen. You laughing at me, hair in the wind, bare feet up on the dash. Me screaming at you, “Get your fucking feet off my dash. The upholstery is light beige you know...”

Me, “No, we’re not lost. And no, I’m not stopping at that gas station for directions.” You, arms crossed and scowling...

You, “Why do have to be so passive aggressive?” Me, later, cleaning the toilet with your toothbrush...

You, “Let’s go see Moulin Rouge tonight.” Me, “You’re joking, right? Right? Right?"...

Us having sex. Me behind. You, “Ow! Watch it. I told you no anal.” Me, lying, “Sorry. It was an accident...”

You, getting dressed. Me. Groping your breasts. You, putting on your make-up. Me, groping your breasts. You, driving. Me groping your breasts. You, watching CSI. Me, groping your breasts...

Me, “Ever seen a one-eared elephant?” You, “No.” Me, turning the pocket of my jeans inside out while my penis is hanging out of the fly. Your mother not looking very amused...

Breakfast before work. You complaining about something work related and seeking comfort. Me providing constructive advice. You getting angry. Me saying “What?”...

Reading to/doing crossword puzzles with each other in bed. I fart and pull the covers over your head, trapping you underneath. Me laughing. You really pissed off...

You, “The computer is crashing again. Were you looking at porn?” Me, again lying, “It’s not me. It’s that damn Microsoft. Let’s get a Mac...”

Cooking together, me telling you to get out of my kitchen, you’re not doing it right, you sulking and watching the TV, trying not to cry...

Shopping together, you trying on 14,000 different pairs of jeans, me holding your purse getting really fed up, wishing I was anywhere but here, but preferably watching a football game...

If my idea of a great relationship can be condensed into a series of non sequiturs, these would be some of the images you might see. I think deep down, we're all realists striving to be romantics, but come on...I’m 6’ and 170lbs. I’d prefer a woman with her head screwed on straight, but never having actually met one, I’m not too picky in that department.

He gets letters:

"Well, at least you made me laugh. Thank you for that."

"i really enjoyed your post, it was refreshingly different. i could see
a lot of that - except i will never blame you for looking at porn on
the web, and i would tell you to get out of my kitchen when i am
cooking. who knows, maybe we could even cook together?"

"Not in a yikes sort of scary way, but just as that guy must be pretty entertaining to be around.

And I personally like to be groped in the morning...:-)

Let's get to the selling of me:

Pinot over Chardonnay, beach over city, serenity over drama, smarts over looks, drive over inherited, open minded over close minded, adventurous over boring, laughter over silence, kissing over arguing, afternoon sex over morning sex, Sunday morning talk shows over Monday Night Football, ACC Basketball and Football rules, Washington Post over Washington Times,promptness over tardiness, sunsets over sunrises, short talks with good wine over long talks with bad wine.

That’s me in a nutshell. I should probably add that I sing in the car, bite my nails at times, have a huge collection of granny panties, read over people’s shoulders, can watch VH1 for hours, trying to quit smoking, hate public transportation, know how to do a french dip, know a couple of good curse words."

"My sentiments exactly. You're hilarious. Of course, now that you have written it all down, where's the mystery? We could make up something, I suppose."

Fun,laughs,this guy is tired of the bar scene

Someone explain this one to me. If the bar scene hasn't been working so well for you, why do you want to hang out in bars so much?

The bar scene hasn't been the best place to meet my special someone so I thought I'd give this a try. I am looking for a low maintenance lady to go to happy hours at a minutes notice, likes bars, enjoys the bars, or can turn it up a notch and hit the bars. I will not lie and say looks do not matter because they do. Your going to have to be hot with a bangin' bod. You can be fine hanging out with your girls and don't mind if I am with mine friends at times at the bars.

I am 6ft 1in. Brown hair and eyes. Athletic build. I love to laugh, tell jokes, very social, and I think I'm a great catch when I've been drinking. And smart too. I am sure people say they are attractive all the time on this and I will not be any different. I am a good looking German Scottish French mutt. We can exchange pic's later.

He gets letters:

"that was funny. i like that. i too, have a love affair with the bar."

BJ and a Dinner?

Dinner and a BJ or BJ and a Dinner?

I would love to meet a sexy woman for a good BJ (your treat, then I pick the restaurant), some wine, conversation and laughs, and then a dinner (or even dessert if you're so inclined).

I'm good looking, semi-professional, quasi-wild obviously, D/D free, haven't had dinner lately and really want to cut to the chase tonight. Eat dinner. Then I want a BJ.

IM LONE ON THIS WEEKEND AND SEEK LADIES

My impression is that the women of craigslist are pretty picky about who they choose to contact. I oftentimes wonder if these ESL posts bear any fruit...

HI, IS GONNA BE A PLEASURE IF YOU LET ME MAKE ON YOU ANTLER DANCE, IM AVAILABLE FOR ANY WOMAN IN AND OUT OF PLACE, IM CLEAN AND HEALTY GUY, IM SMELL NICE DOWN BELOW, IM WORK HARD, IM NICE AND HUMOR, IM LIKE SPECIAL SPOTS ON LADIES, IM LIKE TOUCH BREAST OF LADIES, E-MAIL ME I'M GENTLEMAN, LIKE CAUCASIAN, LADIES ONLY. IF YOU WANT TO MAKE ANTLER DANCE LETS MAKE ANTLER DANCE AND HAVE FUNN. IM MAKE YOU SEE JESUS.

Looking for someone real

While this guy is looking for something real, I'll be keeping my eye out for someone real...

That's right, I am beginning to get bored with my Chasey Lain Fantasy Playmate love doll and I am looking for someone that is real, preferably not made out of latex. Don’t get me wrong, her futurotic vagina, anus, and mouth feel almost like the real thing, and the removable multi-speed vibrating bullet for extreme pleasure will be sorely missed.

However, I want to meet people like myself. People who are happy with their career, happy with where they live, and are not made out of latex. More importantly I would like to meet the one person whom I can enjoy these experiences with

Does this sound like you at all?

About me: I am a SWM about 6'1". I keep active and enjoy the outdoors. I have been known to be the type of guy who will show up while you are at work and fix that annoying problem with your car while it is sitting in the parking lot just so I can see a big nervous look on your face. I’m the kind of guy that will hang outside your bedroom window, photograph you naked, and post it on a pornographic website.

I am the type of person who wants to know more about everyone and everything. I am an amateur gynecologist and would be happy to give you a free Pap smear and breast exam. I also like to dress up like a crazy pan-handler and shout obscenities at people that don’t give me money.

About you: Female with the parts listed in paragraph one, not necessarily of the “futurotic" variety (I know there are probably differences between latex women and real women).

If I have caught your interest, feel free to write me. Bonus points if you look like Chasey Lain.

I would love to hear from you.

He gets letters:

"I'm giving up. so... would you tell me where you got that love doll?
maybe I can get the male version of it..."

First time posting this. No Fuglies.

Can you really catch more flies with misogyny than with honey? I wonder...yes, apparently so...

I am charming, witty, sincere, gracious, and friendly. I have warm heart and am very sensitive. But LADIES...PULEAZE! I have been on here for 12 MONTHS and not ONE good looking girl has responded! ONLY BUTT-UGLY GIRLS - I MEAN FUGLY! NOT ONE good looking girl! I mean, I see BEAUTIFUL girls all the time wherever I go in the DC metro area. Where are they on here? In hiding? I cannot believe that not one of you BEAUTIFUL GIRLS would go for such a nice boy next door like myself. Your mother will love me. But only if you are NOT fugly. You can't tell me that not ONE of those beautiful girls reads CraigsList or is tired of the bar scene like me.

And if you respond to this posting because you are PHYSICALLY BEAUTIFUL - PLEASE have a caring and sincere personality to go with it similar to my own - because without it - your left with your fading looks and me out the door. I mean guys age WAY more GRACEFULLY then girls, no?

I am sure I will receive the same FUGLY pictures I received before - girls that THINK they are good looking but are really FUGLY.

Send your picture and I will send mine - or vice-versa.

p.s. Oh yeah, I am good looking with a caring and sincere personality I am charming, witty, gracious, and friendly. And definitely not a MISOGYNIST or FUGLY - that is a PROMISE!.

He gets letters:

"Are you still handicapped LOSER?" (original poster, I assume)

"i don't feel the need to write much since you seem to
be judging most of the girls by whether or not they
are beautiful of fuglie." (pic attached)

"ok.. not sure if I'm up for the challenge , but... hm, humor me atleast..
supposing I'm not your type, .. will you atleast be generous enough to reassure me that I'm truly not 'so VERY' hideous?" (pic attached)

Do women like honest men?

It probably depends on just how honest you are.

My friends all say that I am a guy with a big heart and listen to my whining about not finding the “right” girl for me. Someone that I can settle down with and have kids some day. But the truth is I desperately fear commitment and intimacy and tend to attract emotionally or physically unavailable people into relationships. Even though I crave true commitment and intimacy. Go figure.

I am a horrible singer and my urine smells of asparagus. All the time. I eat a lot of asparagus.

I’ll call you at work and pester you with emails all day long. Not because I don’t have anything to do. I just don’t want to do it.

I am smart, but horribly insecure, so I won’t say much for fear of looking stupid. Unless of course if I am drunk. Then I’ll probably go on and on about how some ex-girlfriend of mine ruined her life by dumping me and what a great catch I am.

I took my father to the 9th Annual Oyster Riot this year at the Old Ebbitt Grill. I met three nice looking ladies from Northern Virginia. When I left the table to get a beer, one of them asked my dad if I was his boyfriend.

I am horny a lot. So being single I masturbate more frequently than is probably healthy and I am beginning to fear that I might become addicted to online pornography if this keeps up.

I am 6 feet tall and about 170 lbs. I work out three times a week, but I don’t think you’d know it looking at me naked. I am also convinced that I have a small penis, but women that I have been with have said it is big. I am convinced they are lying.

Your picture gets mine.

He gets letters:

"Women do like honest men!! More than you know:) I love that your post was for real....a couple of strange things but everyone has their quirks...."

"I like honest men! but insecurity and a small penis.... hmm... that's something serious!"

CHALLENGED....LOL............... LOL

Sensitive jerk? Or just plain jerk. I cannot for the life of figure this guy out, but he is a frequent poster.

Hello All LOL – This is the first time I’m posting this and hope to get really SUPER SINCERE responses to what I’ve written!!!! Hopefully, there will be a resounding sonic boom, somewhere, to this message being tossed into the place we call the internets or cyberspace!!!!! LOL!!!!!!!!!!!

What I would absolutely LOVE to have is someone who can keep up with me... Do you play or can you kick my ass at any of the following??? :)

Pong, D&D, Runequest, Tron, Galaga, Ms. PacMan (Chutes & Ladders, Risk, Legos, whatever!!!!)...That would be wicked sweet!!!!! LOL!!!!!!!!!! I think you get the idea - I am stuck in the 80s and I love doing STUFF and I am challenged emotionally, physically, spiritually, and intellectually!!!

Will you spend every waking second thinking about me rather than focusing on work? LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Can I play the keytar while you sing along…Van Halen? LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have no money. Is family togetherness more important to you then money?

Would you rather play D&D outside or on the couch (I am Tordek, a high-level dwarf fighter, and I deal 1d8+6 points of damage with a warhammer)?

Can I roll you over at 3AM and stick my wet finger in your ear or maybe my manhood in your butt?

Can I take you home to my parents, grab your boobs in front of them, and giggle and snort? LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If you are like me and are an endless apprentice to life (except in the world of D&D where I am a high-level dwarf) and might have a mullet, and perhaps you have 9 and 18 sided dice, and you often wear spandex tights and long and colorful acetate shirts with a fake antique brooch at the neck, and want to be with someone as a true partner who believes anything is possible as long as there is a 100% commitment to me and my needs then pass along a note... I'd love to meet you!!!!!

Codependents are encouraged to apply!!!!! :)

Please be single, no kids, smoke like a chimney, have a positive outlook on life, a kick ass body, and love to give blowjobs – If I don’t get what I want from you, I’ll whine!!! A lot!!!

This is so real you have no idea!!!!

I love exclamation points!!!!! AND LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!

Experience my version of man on woman sensuality

It seems like a lot of men in DC take care of their bodies...yea well so do I.

I’m sitting here at my keyboard digesting my lunch while I pound out this missive. Panda-burger with cheddar. No bun. Listening to plaintive vocal stylings of Lloyd Cole. His voice soothes this savage beast. Anabolic-androgenic steroids, natch. I’m in my Carla Behrle leather pants. No shirt.

The rainy morning had me catching the 42 bus to the red line at Dupont. Waiting for the train, I notice a young lovely noticing me – my totally ripped physique, savage intensity, striking good looks . I am though cautious as Bel Biv DeVoe wisely teaches us to never trust a big butt and smile. The lovely could be poison. And poison is the last thing this body needs, with the Bali Jute Mill Bodybuilding Invitational coming up. No. I must stick to a strict regimen of high-protein endangered species and my SuperFreak Workout for Juiced-Up Psychos. Also, handfuls of PUMP TECH™ washed down with ISS Effervescent Creatine Orange and shots of Goldschlager should get my body in top physical form.

I give the red line lovelies at Dupont Circle a couple of poses as I ride to Judiciary Square. I head for the gym for my daily workout. I take care of my body. My body takes care of me. Put on my extra large lime green banana hammock, first slathering on the bikini bite to keep everything in place. I get to work. Preacher Reverse Curl, Seated Concentration Curl, Crossover Chest Fly, Pullover Crunch. Done, I hit the shower. I air dry. My body glistens as I practice my pose downs in the mirror.

Me you ask? Public transportation. Low carb diets. Looking good. Taking care of my body. Recognizing that women with big butts can be poison. That is what I am about. And if you want to experience the raw and animalist man on woman sensuality that only I can provide, drop me a line.

He gets letters:

"Send us at last your pic in Carla Behrle leather pants. No shirt. Your pic gets mine, also in leather."

Sooper-Scarry and Sooper-Smert

This was in response to the guy who thought he was scarry-smart. Or maybe he meant scary? Who knows...

I think about things other people don't. I think about how space is a very very big place and I also wonder how many pennies it would take to reach the moon, both stacked end to end AND stacked flat like pancakes. Alot of dullard women find this very intimidating or off-putting. I'm looking for someone whose smerter than I am or at least better then me at spelling and punctuartion and grammer. This shouldn't be that hard, my favorite food is thinly sliced prociutto and melon served on the rear-ends of overweight women.

If you except working in a cubicle, or on a telephone pole or deep deep under the sea this message is probably not for you. If you have alots of tatoos and piercings you scare me, big time, but it might work if you have a bangin’ bod. Over-education a plus. And please be sooper-smert.

He gets letters:
"what does 'except working in a cubicle' mean? i work in a cubicle except during the weekends and on weekdays when i have skool."

Erotic Massage Replete With Sensuosity

Shout out to all of those craigslisters willing to give anonymous women free erotic massages...

I am an attractive and PROFESSIONAL male with HANDS and am quite good at what I do, which is economic policy work. That being said, I don’t know the first thing about massage. The experience is likely to be painful, weird, and unfulfilling. I am available after work.

Perhaps your boobies and your butt and? Did I say boobies? If not, maybe they need more attention. Maybe even the tube where the penis goes does also. I can try to help you release all the stress stored in your body so that you feel rejuvenated and cleansed in a complete way, but you’ll probably feel shame and want to leave as soon as possible. And I can try to cultivate this release in a way that enables you to feel whole and valued. I will probably fail at this though as well.

I am very clean and am very respectful of your boundaries. I am very gentle and nurturing but sort of manly. Like a kind-of Val Kilmer from nose to chin. Maybe a gentle and nurturing Lt. Tom 'Iceman' Kazanski if I wore a blindfold and was in better shape. And sometimes I scream like a little girl. While I would never want to have any sexual contact with my professional colleagues, except for a couple interns in the office, I am sure that you can imagine that from time to time I might like to have a consenting woman receive a free erotic massage. I like boobies. If you are interested, send me an email. I would be happy to hear from you. Please do not be shy if you are younger or smaller. Please, please be shy if you are old and fat. As long as you are an adult. And have boobies.