Christian Massage - Oil, Candles, Jars of Clay CD

I guess you cannot blame him for trying. And trying. And trying. And trying (permalink).

Single Christian male seeking a good Christian lady who believes sex is a shameful act against God except for making babies. I live alone with a complete collection of Davey and Goliath videos. I attend church on a regular basis, but have not met there what I am looking for: a white female virgin for some godly Christian massage with the intent of marriage and children. So I am trying this over the Internet. I believe a man and a woman should spend time together in prayer, judging the unsaved.

I have several choices of oil (lavender, Bergaamot Mint, and Myrtle Lemon), incense that while inspire high levels of spirituality, and Jars of Clay's “Jars of Clay” CD. I have edible body dusts that I can lick off you and arousal balms for your nipples and genitals when our union is sanctified by Jesus. I have a box of Franzia chilling in the fridge if you desire adult libations, but more than one glass could be a bad idea. Remember Noah (Genesis 9:21,24). Please be literate, attractive, thin, and love Jesus.

I have references you can call. Yes the pic is me. I have others that I can trade. I have one where I am at a Promise Keepers rally. I have another where I am throwing a molotov cocktail at a local abortion mill. You must also have pics. I am highly selective with regard to who I choose to rub in a Christian manner. We must also talk on the phone before meeting so I know you aren't a guy. I don't want to rub down a guy. It's against nature and an affront to God.

Not interested in Catholics, Presbyterians, Methodists, Episcopalians, Secular Humanists, Vegans, Europeans, or any other such cultists who might introduce me to exotic new ideas that might cause me to question my True Christian Beliefs. I will, however, pray for your quick end and a speedy journey to a very hot place, where you will be spending all eternity roasting in a literal lake of fire, Amen.


He gets letters:

"We are a group of single Christian women looking for a group massage because to do it one on one would be a sin. We attend church on a regular basis but secretly lust after a man who wants to massage us in an unChristian manner. It would also be nice if he could spearfish. We are very literate and attractive. Some are whiter than others. Some are thinner than others. But we all love Jesus. We also believe that a man and a woman should spend time together in prayer, on thier knees, naked and prostate before God.

We prefer sandalwood and jasmine scents. One of us is amazingly musical and writes her own praise music. In addition to Jesus we also love Sufijan Stevens and Striper.

Franzia is so not acceptable to God. We like a good bottle of wine.

We are Anglicans (no Episcopalians, thank you very much!), Mennonites (peace loving Anabaptists) and non denominational Protestants (do we know any Catholics???) and get this, some of us, date non-Christians. Some of us make out regularly with non Christians but we only rub in a Christian manner with men who could be our husbands. Read: Proverbs 31.

If you think you can handle us and only all of us (because we only group date), write us back."

Morning Fantasy Menu (Pick one)

Fraught with eroticimisity (permalink)!

1. You make me pancakes (Mmmmm....pancakes)
2. Two words: Dutch Oven (it's pretty funny you got to admit)
3. You clean my apartment (it's a bit messy)
4. Pull my finger (just pull it, damnit!)
5. Morning breath make-out (my favorite)
6. Can I touch your boobies? (I like boobies!)
7. Strip dreidel (Nes Gadol Haya Sham!)
8. I really like boobies (Boobies!)
9. I can pleasure you with my Sharper Image® Hot + Cold Therapeutic Massager…
10. You tell me _____________________________________________?


He gets letters:

"I choose option 1. But i think you should cook - and then serve breakfast in bed."

Sensuous Druidic Massage. Oil. Candles. Human Sacrifice. Free.

Periodic massage poster. Answer only if hot and in shape. No men. No fatties. Totally non-sexual (permalink).

This is totally real. And yes they are totally free. Free tonight after I get back from a friend's Thanksgiving Day celebration. There are no hidden agendas. Non sexual. Just relaxation, pleasure and warmth. Then human sacrifice.

Are you stressed? Are you lonely? Are you female? Do you miss that special touch that makes you feel warm and gives you goose bumps? Are you turned on by guys in long flowing robes? Do round stone temples and phases of the moon make you hot? Have you ever had a slow, sensual, passionate massage with oil? Warmed Oil? With strong hands gliding slowly over your skin? Then ritually sacrificed to the Great Mother? Yes its for real. Yes its free. Email if you have questions.

I have studied under Screechowl and Vixen and I have a lot of experience. Massages last for at least 1 hour. The sacrifice takes only about 10 minutes. Some chanting is involved. Please feel free to email to ask questions, etc.

I have several choices of oil (lavender, Bergaamot Mint, and Myrtle Lemon), incense that while inspire high levels of eroticity, and Ray Best's “Celestial Touch” CD. I have edible body dusts that I can lick off you if you wish. Your choice. I have arousal balms for your nipples and genitals. I have a box of Franzia chilling in the fridge if you desire adult libations. Please be literate, attractive, and thin. I am for real. “Boundaries” is my middle name. Actually it is Matthew but I can bring you high levels of arousal while still respecting any boundaries you might have. Please don't have many boundaries.

I don't do this with just anyone. You must be hot. Please don't respond if you are overweight. The Great Mother would not accept the offering otherwise. I can be discrete if you want me to be. Talk to you later.

!!!!!!! Sensual Germano-Franco-Scottish-English Massage for You !!!!!!

Another "shout out" to those of you who want to get women who don't know you to come over to your place so you can rub their tits....

I am an attractive and PROFESSIONAL male with HANDS and am quite good at what I do, which is marketing and communications. That being said, I don’t know the first thing about massage. The experience is likely to be painful, weird, and unfulfilling. I am available after work.

Perhaps your boobies and your butt need attention. Attention in germano-franco-scottish-english sort a way. A germano-franco-scottish way replete with sensuosity. Did I say boobies? If not, maybe they need more attention. Maybe even the tube where the penis goes does also. I can try to help you release all the stress stored in your body so that you feel rejuvenated and cleansed in a complete way, but you’ll probably feel shame and want to leave as soon as possible. And I can try to cultivate this release in a way that enables you to feel whole and valued. I will probably fail at this though as well.

I am very clean and am very respectful of your boundaries. I am very gentle and nurturing but sort of manly. Like a sort of Billy Bob Thornton a la Armaggedon, but not Sling Blade or School for Scoundrels. Like Armaggedon Billy Bob without the leg brace but in slightly worse shape and younger. And sometimes I scream like a little girl. While I would never want to have any sexual contact with my professional colleagues, except for a couple interns in the office, I am sure that you can imagine that from time to time I might like to have a consenting woman receive a free erotic massage. I like boobies. If you are interested, send me an email. I would be happy to hear from you. Please do not be shy if you are younger or smaller. Please, please be shy if you are old and fat. As long as you are an adult. And have boobies.

Tantric Fella seeks woman seeking massage replete with Trantriosity

Perfect stranger, idiot, would like to rub your vulva (permalink).

I'm a full tantriotic master who with his fingers fraught with tantricness and such can give you professional tantra sessions replete with tratriosity. I'm looking for a tantrically-inclined woman who seeks the tantric touch of tantranicity.

If you're missing being touched tantrically and the tantricness of trantriotic trantra from your life, you're looking for a new level of tantriciousness in your tantric experiences, please contact me with your pic in your e-mail and let's get a chance to get to know each other better. Tantrically of course.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Literate seeks Literate for Sensual, Tantric, Oily Massage

Memorial Day combo special. This guy repeatedly posts about wanting to rub women sensually (permalink). This other guy is clearly not 40 (permalink).

I have several choices of oil (lavender, Bergaamot Mint, and Myrtle Lemon), incense that while inspire high levels of eroticity, and Ray Best's “Celestial Touch” CD. I have edible body dusts that I can lick off you wearing my dentures or not. Your choice. I have arousal balms for your nipples and genitals. I have a box of Franzia chilling in the fridge if you desire adult libations. Please be literate, attractive, and thin. I am for real. “Boundaries” is my middle name. Actually it is Matthew but I can bring you high levels of arousal while still respecting any boundaries you might have. Please don't have many boundaries.

I have references you can call. Yes the pic is me. I have others that I can trade. I have one where I am wearing a thong. You must also have pics. I am highly selective with regard to who I choose to rub in an erotic manner. We must also talk on the phone before meeting so I know you aren't a guy. I don't want to rub down a guy. It's against nature.

You decide what you want massaged. Buttocks, Boobs, Genitals, Boobs, Genitals, almost anywhere you like. All you have to do is ask. You can ask for anything. I respect boundaries and I will stop rubbing you somewhere if you don't want me to rub that place. I am very easy to talk to though my hearing is poor.

I am free today until 4:00PM. I don't do this with just anyone. You must be literate, attractive, and thin. If you are married or in a relationship I understand. I can be descrete if you want me to be discrete. “Discrete” is my middle name. Talk to you soon.

Must be literate, attractive and thin.

We can do an early bird dinner after the massage. I'll have you home by 6:00PM.

Mr. BH

hi non-sexual vaginal massages

Whiskypants says, "Apparently, this guy (permalink) is averse to all punctuation except the semi-colon. Weird. Also miscategorized. Like those guys think they're pulling one over on women by not posting this crap under casual experiences. Dumbass." Me? I'm adverse to all punctuation, including the semicolon. And I give a mean non-sexual vaginal massage...

near MtP not far from dupont circle off week end no string looking for a lady to meet i give the best non-sexual vaginal massages with a moisturizing sexual lubricant which will increase the flexibility and elasticity of your vulvar skin and the suppleness of the underlying structures of ur vagina 6 1 170 brown brown and for real no games and lets talk and meet

Oily Massage Fraught With Sensuosity, Devoid of Strings

Last year there were a plethora of offers to perform sensuous massage that seemed to stop until very recently when this fine fellow (permalink) and repeat poster started reposting the same ad multiple times a day with the same mispellings and typos. Sad. Though I admire his confidence, I more than make up for it with my awkwardness. Is there someone out there who might want me to touch them with my oily hands? Anyone?

Are you attractive? Athletic? Fit? Lonely? I can help you feel good. I am an attractive and PROFESSIONAL male with HANDS and am quite good at what I do, which is marketing and communications. That being said, I don’t know the first thing about massage. The experience is likely to be weird and unfulfilling, perhaps even painful. I am available after work.

I can focus on your sacred spaces or just your butt or legs or something. If you want something massaged or touched...just say something like, “Hey, Mr. Banana Hammock. Rub my boobies.” And I'll rub your boobies. It's just that easy. I am a very open person and feel communication is important regarding anything in life, especially if you want something rubbed or touched in a certain way. I have different kinds of oil, candles, and various relaxing CDs like “Thunderstorm in the Wilderness,” “Ocean Surf: Timeless and Sublime,” and “Song of the Humpback” which I purchased from Serenitysupply.com. I can try to help you release all the stress stored in your body so that you feel rejuvenated and cleansed in a complete way, but you’ll probably feel shame and want to leave as soon as possible. And I can try to cultivate this release in a way that enables you to feel whole and valued. I will probably fail at this though as well.

No one has yet to take me up on this offer. While I foresee that I will probably be picky about who I do this with and expect well over 100 women will respond to this ad, I will probably only pick just one or two. They will undoubtedly be hot and youngish with banging bodies bodies. I am very clean and am very respectful of your boundaries. I am very gentle and nurturing but sort of manly. Like a kind-of Val Kilmer from nose to chin. Maybe a gentle and nurturing Lt. Tom 'Iceman' Kazanski if I wore a blindfold and was in better shape. And sometimes I shriek like a little girl if I find something “icky.” I suspect that the massage will be at least one hour in duration with oils, candles, and the New Agey music described above.

I am a guy who just enjoys boobies. I am 6ft and white and sort of built like a marshmallow on stilts. And I have hands. If you are interested, send me an email. I would be happy to hear from you. Please do not be shy if you are younger or smaller. Please, please be shy if you are old and fat. As long as you are an adult. And have boobies.

Erotic Massage Replete With Sensuosity

Shout out to all of those craigslisters willing to give anonymous women free erotic massages...

I am an attractive and PROFESSIONAL male with HANDS and am quite good at what I do, which is economic policy work. That being said, I don’t know the first thing about massage. The experience is likely to be painful, weird, and unfulfilling. I am available after work.

Perhaps your boobies and your butt and? Did I say boobies? If not, maybe they need more attention. Maybe even the tube where the penis goes does also. I can try to help you release all the stress stored in your body so that you feel rejuvenated and cleansed in a complete way, but you’ll probably feel shame and want to leave as soon as possible. And I can try to cultivate this release in a way that enables you to feel whole and valued. I will probably fail at this though as well.

I am very clean and am very respectful of your boundaries. I am very gentle and nurturing but sort of manly. Like a kind-of Val Kilmer from nose to chin. Maybe a gentle and nurturing Lt. Tom 'Iceman' Kazanski if I wore a blindfold and was in better shape. And sometimes I scream like a little girl. While I would never want to have any sexual contact with my professional colleagues, except for a couple interns in the office, I am sure that you can imagine that from time to time I might like to have a consenting woman receive a free erotic massage. I like boobies. If you are interested, send me an email. I would be happy to hear from you. Please do not be shy if you are younger or smaller. Please, please be shy if you are old and fat. As long as you are an adult. And have boobies.