Who is Stede Bonnet?

 
Three cheers for the ass who keeps on reposting the same lame m4w seeking the company of the exceptional female who may have read Atlas Shrugged.

If you know the answer to this and other obscure questions like our Ayn Rand loving craigslister, then you probably be pirate-lovin' (and possibly an objectivist), arrrrgh, and booty-lovin' enough for me! Let's take John Galt's furniture and use it for our own happiness and live life to the fullest....

All replies are answered. Really more interested in your breasts though, honest! 

Daytime Fun, Sans BananaHammock!!

 
I cannot say what inspired this post, but I think it had something to do with some guy who wanted to cheat on his wife and promised "daytime fun" and the proclivity for others to post pictures of themselves with their significant others spraypainted or blocked out in some way.

If hiking naked in the middle of nowhere or being ravaged indiscretely in the middle of nowhere sounds like your kind of fun drop a note. So the Holidays have been a let down for you? I'm in Pellston, MI damnit! Let me play a tiny violin for you... Brite, wittie, creatif, gregariuos, has "smats", shamelessly flirty, online porn surfing, sexually inexperienced 36 y/o professional single man is searching for a playmate....maybe it goes on for some time maybe not....it's gotta fit into both our schedules (lifetime) so it's a long shot. Be open minded, playful and imaginative and willing to be led astray ;)

Happy New Year!!!
 

Anyone Like uniforms?

 
NO GUYS!!! Really. NO GUYS!!

I am looking for a sexy female that knows what she wants and how to get it, and perhaps also has a broken dishwasher and how to get it fixed. I am a Maytag repairman, the loneliest person in the world and futher information can be transmitted should you decide to email me. I have attached a picture here, so emails with no picture will be deleted. Tell me a little about yourself. Can you handle me? NO GUYS!! muah ladies hope to hear from you soon. NO GUYS!!

 

What Woman Really Want is....

Come again?????

Mr. BananaHammock. Woman claim to want someone that resembles a father or a tean heartthrob like James Van Der Beek or lil’ bow wow. someone good at grammer, speling, and smert, and polite. someone who don’t pick nose, someone who don’t then eat nose-pick, someone with table manners, who don’t chew with his mouth open, someone who leaves the toilet seat down so you don’t fall in at night, someone who treat woman right, and all thtat good stuff. but never actually goes for people like that. they are want guys that got giant penis, great bodies, smell nice, treat with disrespectness, popular, sleep with best friend, and again all that good stuff.

Now that we got that out of the way. Woman never know what they want until another woman has it. You will always hear a woman say, "Oh, woman love it when you do this". truth is what there really saying is "I wish Mr. BananaHammock would do this to me!"

Well now the question im curious is can one guy be both of those guys that i descibed up top. Absolutely. i would like to say im am a mixture of some of what is written up there but I won’t say what. But i would rather not descibe myself online for i think it is far much more betterer for someone to discover who i am on there own, like a suprise. i am a very easy person to figure out (well atleast i think i am) but i will start this out by saying one thing about myself. that i am a very passive aggressive person (if you haven’t figured that out already, right??) and attempting to give a person good time down below, heh. also good at unsnapping bras. well theres three things.

So if theirs anyone up for it. How would anyone like to get to know me a little bit more betterer and something you will hear very often on these CL posts. meet for soup when both of are comfortable. i believe in the gym so that is exactly how i'll treat you (heh).

Well Hope to hear from you.

He gets letters:

"I don't mean to stereotype, but what do you know about lil' bow wow. LOL. You are just too much."

Is a person the movies he/she watches??????

 
Or the music he listens to? Even if it is the Dave Matthews Band? I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

Well I've been pondering how much I love independent cinema, that it can be a powerful form of artistic expression and unique force for cultural diversity and international understanding, that independent cinema can be a powerful medium that makes me feel good or bad, laugh or cry, and generally just pass the time away like it doesn’t exist. I thought if I had to describe "life" using independent film, which would it be? I certainly had no problem figuring it out because it’s MIDNIGHT PLOWBOY. Here I am now looking for those who would agree with me and say the same about this wonderful softcore porn hillbilly exploitation film from the 70s. There's got to be a connection that way right, I mean if the same film can move two people, maybe those two people will move each other in other ways? And here are plenty of pictures, some even of myself. 

My Version of Man on Woman Sensuality is Superior to these Other Guys

At least it is in my opinion...


I'm sitting at my desk typing this missive. I’m in my Carla Behrle leather pants. No shirt. I just finished my Cajun blackened sea turtle in focaccia with spicy mayonnaise. I burp.

Last night I was hanging out at Angles, nursing a Cadenhead's Old Raj Gin and Hybolin Decanoate. I cracked my neck, took another sip and scanned the room for my next conquest. Somebody sorely in need of my superior man on woman sensuality that you are not wont to find on this message board. As I scan, I notice her. I flex-wink-point (with the trigger finger). She demurs. I give her my combos: Front Double Biceps, Front Lat Spread, Side Chest, Back Double Biceps, and signature Back Lat Spread. She still demurs. I walk over and tell her that I will make her coo and warble like a woodpigeon later tonight in my Adams Morgan compound. That I am expert Tao man on woman sensuality: Cat And Mice Sharing A Hole, Cicada On A Bough, and even the Dragon Turns. That I am practiced in the secrets of the Yoni: the Uchchushita then the Jihva-bhramanaka. That I will cleave asunder that archway with my nose and that I will gently probe her yoni with my nose, lips and chin. Circling slowly. She rolls her eyes and leaves the bar. She must be a lesbian, I think, and order another drink. "ll gently probe her yoni with my nose, lips and chin. Circling slowly. She rolls her eyes and leaves the bar. She must be a lesbian, I think, and order another drink.

Me you ask? Eating rare and endangered animals. The Tao. The Kama Sutra. Excellent coition in the mouth, nose, and chin. That is what I am about. And if you are ready for my superior version of man on woman sensuality, drop me a line.

He gets letters:

SEEKING VERY DISCREET AND PROFESSIONAL BUSINESS MEN
FOR SEXUAL ACTIVITIES.

I OFFER:
DANCING
SEX
ORAL SEX
AND MORE

I HAVE ALL DOCUMENTS OF TESTING. IF YOU NEED TO REVIEW
BEFORE ANY SESSIONS, IT'S FINE!

ONLY PROFESSIONAL MEN REPLY!!!"

POOH'S HEFFALUMP MOVIE.....THE MOVIE....

 
...and the women who loved it…understood it...found it hot....


(as opposed to Secretary...the movie) 

------> pERFECT ~ sTRIP cLUB..... booze and pasties :)

Not my best. Not his (deleted) either I suspect...

On the weather like this¡K. I don¡¦t really wanna do much but watch a naked lady dance on pole in a smoky strip club while I stuff money in her g-string. Off course we can get coffee or hot-chocolate before or after the strip club ƒº Or we can go my place and antler dance…What do you think?
Any one who has the same feelings for this weather?
Off course you wanna know about me now, I am 36, 6ft tall, brown hair/eyes. Looks constipated, but not at all constipated ƒº funny huh¡K. Have working and happy with my life.
Just missing some one who I should grope chest and escort to strip clubs and antler dance in the cold weather like this!
And yes if you are even a little bit tempted, leave the transportation part up to me. I can come over to your house or we can meet at some bus stop if it makes you comfortable?
By the way¡K.. do you like playing Frisbee golf (Frolf) once in a while?
(Will send pics on request)

Make Your Girlfriends Replete With Jealousity

 
I think I'd make a much more interesting date than the guy who deleted his post. Really. I do.

Make Your Girlfriends Replete With Jealousity

Deep breath, here goes: I’m a guy. I eat food. I model blue jeans. My friends would say I’m retrosexual. I don’t think so, but I do have a kick-ass lime green polyester leisure suit. I mean…is there something wrong with that?

I’m unbound from societal norms and many of the laws of physics don’t apply to me. I hunt and gather. I wrote many of Neil Diamond’s biggest hits. I was nominated for the Nobel prize in “getting funky,” but turned it down because I thought it would damage my street creds. It’s a gift, really. I’m looking to meet someone cool and fun and spunky to share good times and bad.

What will we do together? Well, we’ll make Spanakopitas in my state of the art kitchen. We’ll reenact scenes from “The Opening of Misty Beethoven” in public restrooms. We’ll open gmail accounts and gmail each other. It so never gets old.

I’m looking to meet a girl next door. I’m lazy that way. I’m a real good listener, especially if you’re not wearing a shirt.

I have a graduate degree although I spend way too much time downloading barely legal porn. I know how to use basic HTML. I can make powerpoint presentations with really cool animations and transitions like “Wheel Clockwise, 8 Spokes.” And if you’re not wearing a shirt, I can completely lose track of time (although I’m definitely listening). Honest.

I’m looking for someone who’s nice and kind and looks good not wearing a shirt. Are you next door? If so what floor! I don’t have binoculars. I don’t. Really.

Please no millionaires, movie stars or vegans. I’m so over that. Let me hear from you!

He gets letters:

"I just have to point out it was really fun reading your post backward... I mean by paragraph, not by letter."

"I just wanted to tell you that your Craig's List ad was hysterical. It made me laugh on an otherwise dreary day"

"do you still model?"

How sexy are the looks of this person

I'm pretty sure I am not as hot, or sexy as this guy, but why not fish...

As the title says, how sexy do you think this person who is definitely not me is? Sexy? Sooper Sexy? Stone Fox? If this person who is some other guy makes you all steamy down below, please provide a pic.......the pictures attached are of a single male, 36, professional, and most certainly not me but some other guy. Not me. Someone else. Really.





He gets letters:

"I always look forward to you're cruel mocking antics"

"Not sexy at all"

"Tell your friend he's absolutely fabulous! At least in the buffalo
shirt. But he already knows this and so do you!"

*cliché goes where?*

This guy is a serial poster and poor one at that. Oh, and he doesn't want to date wookies.

I am way different from everyone on here, including you. I'm not a she-male, furry, or into coprophagia. I don't have 9 kids. I don’t have 8 kids. I don't look like a wookie, Jar Jar Binks, Ted Nugent or Tele Savalas. I didn't just get promoted from burger flipper to fry manager. I don’t create pubic hair topiary for a living (although I took a class). I’m not a longshoreman. Nor am I a 27 year old man who just discovered the internet and Viagra.TM Who knows?

I'm not going to spend too much time talking about myself but I'm good looking work out, funny, adventurous, cool, and smart. Rarely am I found in front of a computer unless I am at work, or I am searching for information about the DMV or barely legal porn. I read many blogs. I am proficient in five sexual positions: me on top, you on top, me from behind, 69, and my favorite, sitting face-to-face. I like small children and dogs. I cook AND eat. I work to play. I am currently hung over and wishing I was not at work. I am currently listening to Rilo Kiley. My sister has been married to three different guys all named Jason (I guess that really doesn’t have anything to do with me though). I haven’t had sex in ages, but I have been practicing. A LOT. I have a 401K and a space alien figurine. I collect business cards and I practice voodoo. I have a problem with authority and have a button to prove it. It says, “has a problem with authority.”

So unless you are looking for a career at McDonalds, you don’t want me to fashion your pubic hair into the shape of a lion or monkey or something, you think that the 27 year old guy is clever, or Tele Savalas or Jar Jar Binks is REALLY hot, I'm not the guy for you.

Talk to you soon, and please reply with a picture, I have plenty. I'm not TOOOO worried about looks, but I'm not looking to date a yeti, the Russian mafia, sea turtles, a sack of potato chips, Ann Coulter, characters from Star Wars, a bar of soap, too fat chicks, too skinny chicks, other men, or any of my ex-girlfriends. There needs to be attraction!

And for making it through this email, here is a picture of me giving props to a kitten.

Mr. Banana Hammock LOVES Guinea Pigs Too!

This guy also likes cavies...but not as much as me.

As you can see from the pictures below, I too love adorable lil guinea pigs :) Their soft soft fur, the charming squeaking sound they make, the taste of their tender flesh. Seeking the LOVE of a woman who loves them too!

I'm 36, a former policy wonk in DC, single, 6'1" tall. I have lived/studied overseas, active in sporting events like beer pong, extreme eating, and bungie motocross. I also like to reenact future events and am writing a novelization of the “Chronicles of Narnia” films which I hope to sell to Double Day or Regnery. I live in a community of poets, artists, drunkards, imbeciles, and NIMBY yuppies.

Seeking a skinny single woman with big boobs who is caring & loving, and who also loves cavies like I do. (guinea pigs). :) :) Mr. Banana Hammock :) :)



He gets letters:

"too. damn. funny."

"My stomach hurts from laughing so hard. That is absolutely brilliant. :-) You have made my day and then some!"

"Mr banana hammock, I just love you- your posts help me through the painful workday. Thanks!!"

"That is Awful!!!!"

"Im so glad you're back. I was worried you had gone and found love or something! Another great parody! Interesting factoid, I actually rode in a carpool today with the Guiniea Pig Historical re-enactor, and I am oddly compelled to help him with a better picture. But I never do. Happy to see your hilarity return! Well done spacechap!"

Still bored of that "half-crazy woman" guy...

He moves and shakes, but still he comes up with the same lame posts. BTW, if he builds his castle in the sky, and a crazy person lives in it, someone else has the rent...

Neurotics build castles in the sky, but psychotics repost the same ad over and over and over. If I were a rich man, they’d call me a rich guy whose seen the quality of M4W posts slip dramatically as of late...but instead I’ll need to settle for “irreverent” or “mean.” Or someone once called me a "bastard." It was my mom I think. What does this mean?

First off, I think WAY too much...and I talk too much. I have no impulse control. There is no filter. Nope. I think and talk and talk and think and talk some more and there is nothing to filter what I am am thinking and talking about at all and it just comes out. What am I saying? There is no filter. I have opinions on everything from politics, gay marriage, masturbation, internet porn, chinese food, Spain, dessert toppings, and I’m passionate about it all. (The "half-crazy" woman reposter is responsible for everything that is wrong in the world...chocolate does not go with everything...and the Chinese are responsible for Chinese food).

I read a LOT. Of all sorts. I am intelligent and consider myself to be an intellectual "Half-crazy woman" guy despises intellectuals because he feels that intellectuals treat information too sterilely...too objectively. He says, “Have an opinion for crying out loud!” Here's an opinion for you, "Get a new shtick already! Your old one is tired and played out!"

And you take women pistol shooting on dates? Whoever said romance is dead? [/sarcasm]

LOL. Jesus F'in Christ Spinning on a Stick. LMAO.

You, sir, had me at LOL...

Ack! Is it that hard to find a "k3wl", non-lamr,female hottie on CL? WTF? I mean...this is getting a little ridiculous. LOL q:^)>

I'm a SWM, 36, fun, k3wl and into emoticons and UO/ICQ-speak. I thrive in AOL chat rooms and I love 2 LMAO. LOL. @--->--->--

Could I say....we meet in an AOL chat room...and we prolly convo about me touching ur boobies...or staring at them anyway...on a moonlit night...r hrts pounding in as 1? And I give u the >:->, cuz I'm a little devil. How bout we start with....we can actually have a meaningful convo. LMAO! One that makes us both laugh...or holds both our attention? Convo bout how k3wl u & i r? :0) ROFLAMOPMP.

Until then....I think I'm going with...ur boobies. LOL CYL8R. :-*

I am the guy

He might be this guy. I am this other guy....

You notice from across the bar...I am the guy who although our eyes only connect briefly, the connection was made...You immediately sense my raw animal magnetism…You sense a guy of power, a guy of purpose, a guy who seduces with a glance, a guy who can bend spoons with his mind, a guy who can cycle through over 200 cable channels on a remote without ever settling on a single channel. A guy unlike any other…I am the guy who will tell you those jeans make you look fat…I am the guy whose eyes will glaze over if you have me up at 2am sitting on the couch with you, drinking wine and talking about everything from the color of your nail polish to your family values...I am the guy who will tell you semen is good for your complexion and is even more effective ingested rather than worn on your face...I am the guy who will have your bra off without you even noticing...I am the guy who knows that sexy is you not talking so much...I am the guy who will purposefully slip it in your butt when we’re doggie style but claim it was only an accident...I am the guy who probably won’t call you back...I am the guy who will want you to fetch me a beer from the fridge while I am watching football...I am the guy who knows how to manipulate your self-esteem issues to get what I want...I am the guy who hits on your friends when I am drunk...I am the guy who will pull the covers over your head, fart, and scream “Dutch Oven!”...I am the guy who will tell make inappropriate comments to your folks, like how good in the sack you are...I am the guy who will get lost and will refuse to ask for directions...I am the guy who once put an X-Wing fighter up for sale on Craigslist even though I don’t own one...I am the guy who photoshops...poorly...I am the guy who doesn’t suffer fools...I am the guy that will put on a pretty good act until you are in love, then I will change...

I am this guy

Why do girls always throw themselves at me?

Boring morning inspired by Mark Leyner and this whack-job.

Is it my superior display of masculine prowess?

Is it because I speak with extra long words that are difficult to pronounce?

Words like floccinaucinihilipilification? Or maybe hippopotomonstrosesquipedalian?

Or is it my world-renowned command of advanced techniques in man on woman sensuality?

The following snippet about morning commute should answer all your legitimate questions.

Height/weight proportionate, please.


Dateline: December 1, Orange Line, 7:30 AM.

I am in my Carla Behrle leather pants. No shirt. Brown Jean LaFont glasses with orange lenses to better stalk my prey. I’ve been leaving my Adams Morgan compound at 7AM since changing jobs. Different hours. Different commute. Different lovelies. Now the Orange line denizens of the female persuasion bear witness to this superior specimen of the male species. Deprived for far too long, they take it all in -- muscle mass, density, ripped definition, intensity, stamina, endurance, mental focus, dignity, flair

I’m practicing my pose downs on the train, Front Double Biceps, Front Lat Spread, Side Chest, Back Double Biceps, and signature Back Lat Spread, periodically flexing, winking, and pointing with a trigger finger to some of the nearby lovelies. My head bobbing in rhythm to music only I can hear. Much swooning results from my display. They are dazzled.

Soon, hands running up and down my washboard abs and kneading my rock hard glutes. A beautiful brunette asks me to bend something for her with a piece of iron rebar that she has along with her, having heard that my glutes can bend iron rebar into origami swan shapes. A gallery in Dupont has been selling my unique butt sculptures, what they call them anyway, so I’ve been practicing folding more difficult animals along with other forms of statuary. I bend her Artemis. Goddess of the Hunt. She gets off at East Falls Church before I can get a number.

Me you ask? Total fitness and power. Using extra big words in daily communication. Dignity and flair. Long Orange line commutes. Bending iron rebar with my ass. That is what I am about. And if you are tired of the flaccid “takers” of craigslist, drop me a line.