Sexy man seeks soccer mom guy, where art thee?

A tribute to the guy that must have found his soccer mom (finally) and the others who persist in soliciting free erotic massage.

I decide to skip work today and instead head out to Potomac Yard and stalk soccer moms. One of my usual places besides grocery stores and everywhere, malls are good places to stalk soccer moms. Waiting near the window of the Barnes and Noble, I spot my prey. She gets out of her red Dodge Durango and heads right toward me. I take it all in: the confidence, the big car, the whole package. I love it.

I follow her to the back of the store to the religion section. She’s checking out Tribulation Force by Tim LaHaye and Jerry B. Jenkins. I’m checking out her ample, thirty-something soccer mom rear. I approach.

"Ma'am," I say.
"Yes?" she replies.
"I’ll bet you’ll like the slick, sinister Romanian Nicolae Carpathia, who in this installment of the “Left Behind” series plans to use the UN to establish one world government and religion....and I know you’d really like a sensual massage."

So we head for the gender issues section. She wriggles out of her chinos and her lavender Ralph Lauren soft polo collar sweater as I doff my lime green polyester leisure suit and buffalo shirt. Keep in mind though, I know nothing of massage, having been trained in art history and currently work in economic policy.

I work her upper body, boobs, and then move on to her sacred spaces.
“Ouch,” she says. “Have you even done this before?”
“Yes, ma’am,” I reply, “yesterday. Do you feel rejuvenated and cleansed in a complete way that enables you to feel whole and valued.?”
She responds, “Fuck no. The experience is painful, weird, and unfulfilling. I feel shame. Get off me.”

I scream like a little girl and run out of the store, thinking maybe I should check out what the Dress Barn has to offer in the way of soccer moms and opportunities to practice my art of sensual massage.

Ambush Makeover - DC edition

Extreme makeover? I still don't get the title of this guys post, second in two days...

Haha, I cannot believe I am doing this, my friend got me hooked, honest. First time posting this. Really. I am 35 and live in NW DC area. I am a working professional who is currently working on my vast internet porn collection at night. I am very cute and can dress to impress. Yesterday, I was the sharpest dress person in my office (which is full of girls). Today I am in jeans. But impressive jeans.

My problem is that I cannot find a girl who can keep up with me or that I can click with. For example, in 2004, I went to 2 ENTIRELY DIFFERENT concerts (I saw Tom Jones at Wolftrap & the Stars of American Idol at the MCI Center). I am very low maintenance as long as you do everything I say and exactly how I want it done.

A lot of stuff is on my plate in May so it would be fun to have a girl to go with. Hill hearings, navel gazing, you name it.

I am a fan of the "consensus ad idem" type of relationship.

Also, I have lots of things coming up this summer and would like to have a girl to hang with and see what happens. I am mature but enjoy being silly once in a while. Golden Girls and Silver Spoons are the funniest shows in the world.

PS - Bonus points IF you 1) are female 2) own a dress 3) eat critters :)

He gets letters:

"you sir...are brilliant."

"Already, I want to stalk you a little."

"Hi! You sound adorable! :} You definitely are fun! I can just tell, I'm still smiling from thinking about your ad. And you completely Tricked me with that ambush makeover title!! Ok.. your turn.. let's see you Mr Personality."

"OK I am a girl, I do own a adress, I eat critters (my roommate thinks I am awful since I am a caarnivore) but otherwise not sure I meet your standards. I do not have a photo to send as my computer crashed so have to use anothers. I do not do everythign I am told either :o)"

Looking for a one night stand or a hook up

Aren't we all in the music business at one point in our lives...I used to have a staple-hammer. 'Nuff said.

Hi, I am a youngish emocore band manager, you can listen to my band's music at www.trainline.com. I enjoy rocking out, vintage track jackets, gap jeans, sleeves, falafel, big belt buckles, and music, music especially...I am a fan of all types...I am a relaxed type of person, moody and I am currently single...ex broke my heart...Looking for an attractive lady in the 18-29 year range who shares similar intrests...Email the reply to adress if you want to chat or get to know each other better.



He gets letters:

"would you ever consider discreet head from a guy? just curious, not trying to be a jerk here"

"funny photo- good luck dawgie :-)"

"erotic,sensual, mixed beauty (native-american & black), 5'7, 125lbs, long hair and legs, 34C, slender, curvy, almond-shaped brown eyes for sensual body rub. Upscale, discreet incall near the Pentagon. Outcall available. 703-***-****
Incall $150 / $200
Outcall $250"

"Hi. I'm 32, so I'm obviously too old to respond to your post. I just had a question: If you are just looking for sex, what does it matter if she has
similiar interets? Don't get me wrong. I appreciate how you are upfront about what you really want. It's the jerks who post for a romantic evening or a new
friend, BUT all they really want is SEX!!! Sorry. Just had to vent. Good luck with what you are looking for. I hope you find it."

My stats

More creativity from craigslist...

Sex: Yes yes yes. I love sex
Age: 35
Race: I have in the past
Marital Status: Single/never been married
Kids: None that I am aware of
Hair: On my head and body. Not back. The 70s will be coming bac. Be prepared.
Eyes: Brown
Teeth: All there (except wisdoms)
Height: 6’1"
Weight: 170 lbs.
Smoker: Hot yes, smoker? Dunno
Jean/Waist Size: 34 inch
Inseam: 8" cut
T-shirt Size: L or XL
Fitness Routine: Gym 3 to 4 times a week
Education: BA and MA in Liberal Arts
Job/Career: Economic Policy
Homeowner: No
Car: Yes
Favorite Color: Like them all
Religion: I worship Ba’al
Lifestyles: Berry scented and ribbed for her pleasure
Eat: I’ll reciprocate of course
Hobbies: I collect state quarters
Cook: Yes
Drugs: Only prescription
Drink: Yes but not heavily, except New Years. I don’t want to go there though
Favorite Season: Summer
Pets: 2 plants, Desmond and Slim
Best Character Trait(s): I’m a provocateur
Worst Character Trait(s): I’m a provocateur
Women I Find Desirable: Winona Ryder, Ashley Judd, Jennifer Anniston, Parker Posey, Brittany Murphy (when is she going to take her top off in a movie anyway?)

Too social for internet dating, but lets try it....

To conflicted to date responsibly...

I've always thought that the online social life was for weirdos, trekkies, and people that wear track suits, but it seems a lot of normal people are doing it lately, plus I'm past typical bar-girls, club kids, random metro hookups, exposing myself on street corners, and my job is in science policy, so I don’t meet too many normal girls there....

I'm Mr. Banana Hammock, just moved down from Mt. Pleasant. Many things that describe me ostensibly conflict with one another: outdoorsy yet like to get dressed up, introspective yet shallow, knowledgeable yet vapid, rugged yet clean cut, manly yet girly, artsy yet scientific, non-religious yet deeply religious, hot yet cold, shy yet unshy. Basically, just well rounded and love to learn about all things yet deeply I’m uncurious. I'm 35, I'm 6'1" 170lbs, I elliptical train a lot and do a lot of sit-ups and knee-bends, but I'm not obsessed with working out, and I love to eat, especially food. I can cook.

If you wish all guys like me that care about their appearance and the image they project and have super personalities weren't all players, then you’ll be banging down my internets door to meet me...

Hope to hear from you soon, please include a pic since I did.



He gets letters:

"Yay - you're back! I LOVE your parodies!! Keep up the great work!"

"LOVED your CL ad. It made me laugh out loud. I, myself am a study in opposites, (guess it's being a Gemini, if you believe in all that crap.) Anyway, I'm creative/artistic yet analytical. I'm outgoing, yet need my alone time...you get the idea. I'm looking for someone with the same versatility. If you read my profile posted below, (that I wrote weeks ago, mind you--not just to match your profile , you'll see that we have a lot in common, I think). Well, if you want to know more, let me know. I'd cut and paste the link to make things a lot easier, but I've been told that doesn't work with this CL stuff. So, I've attached my pic and pasted my profile. Hope to hear back soon and good luck!"

CAN I STICK MY FINGUR IN UR BELLYBUTTON...

Maybe I will be able to indulge my 'unique sexual fetish.'

PIC UPON REQUEST..

Are there any women of hot sexiness out there that would like to make a quick $1.50... Having your bellybutton poked by a very attractive clean and desease free guy? Holla at me when u can. If you are clean and want some fun, get at me... I can also be reached at: luvtopokebellybuttons on yahoo instant messenger. Only much sexiness need apply.

female needed

female needed?

Looking for a female with a raccoon or gopher costume to frolick in Rock Creek Park. It has been a fantasy on mine and I need a nice woman to help me out.

THE SEDUCTION OF ALLCAPS

What do women find sexy in a man? Intelligence? Nice body? Good diction? ALLCAPS?

TALL SUCCESSFUL IMPORT FROM MICHIGAN SEEKING A SEXY.ATTRACTIVE. ADVENTUROUS. UNFAT FEMALE WHO IS CONFIDENT AND FUNNY FOR FREINDSHIP AND POSSIBLE FUCK BUDDY..............................
GOLDEN GIRLS GO BACK TO YOUR HUSBAND AND TURN OFF LIFETIME. THERE IS BETTER PROGRAMS ON THE WB.............
ABOUT ME......
GERMAN FRENCH ENGLISH SCOT US BORN
REALLY REALLY LIKE ALL CAPS
ORGASMICALLY FROM MICHIGAN
RESIDE IN CONDO
6'1
170 LBS
DARK FEATURES (WHEN TAN – NOW, NOT TAN)
D/DRUG FREE
POLICY WANK
FINANCIALLY AND EMOTIONALLY INSECURE
HETEROSEXUAL MALE-NO HOMOS ALLOWED AT ALL NEAR MY BUTT AND SEND YOUR PICTURES TO SPONGE BOB OR TINKIE WINKIE....

LOVE TV SPORTS,READING,ALL CAPS,EXCERSISE,FINE FOODS,WINE,BEER,.ROMANTIC GETAWAYS.ARTS,MUSEUMS,SHOPPING,CONCERTS.OPERA................

DISLIKES LOW CAPS,MY SPACE BAR,FAT GIRLS.

LADIES SEND UR PICS PROVING YOU R UNFAT AND A LIL BIO ABOUT URSELF AND LETS EXPLORE THE POSSIBLITIES AND ALL REPLYSES WILL BE CONTACTED............

Creepy and desperate guy seeks to pamper his would-be princess

Exuberant youth...

This loser wants to spoil you, do anything for you, and treat you like a princess.

A little about me: I'm fat, ugly, and have a crappy job....did I mention fat and ugly? I feel the need to grovel at a womens feet and tell her that I will treat her like a princess and answer to her every call.

Bonus points if you are that fat ugly chick that I see every day. I have no skills, am not decent looking so I am aiming for something around my level.
I've gotta stick with my level.

PS, my balls have not dropped yet and I am very unsuccessful with the ladies, and I don't have a clue what I'm talking about.

He gets letters:

"Too freaking funny!!!"

"I randomly saw your AD and thought I'd say Hi. My name is ***** and if you'd like to know more about me, please check out http://profiles.yahoo.com/********. It has pictures and links about me."

Looking for revenge on my ex -- please read

Revenge, a dish best served with large breasts?

Argh. Okay, first off: I'm looking to get back at my ex. Please have big tits since she has small ones and I am hoplessly stuck on her.

Maybe romance will follow.

THANKS!!! :)

do you like hairy back?

No? But do you like hairy chest?

here I am then, im seek for a real woman,who likes to dance electric slide, i can exchange lambada (forbidden dance) or white man’s overbite, also i need some one to hang out with, some one to plunge my manhood on top of, drop me a line and we will see what we make to have some much good funness.

Mr. Banana Hammock

I'm a typical guy

Who does he think he's fooling anyway...

I'm a typical guy. I’ll say, "I'll call you sometime" and then I won’t. I'll respect you enough to tell you that I don't think we're a match but only after I sleep with you.

I'm a typical guy. If I buy you flowers 'for no reason', it’ll be because I've done something wrong or want something out of you, i.e. sex, money, blowjob, no particular order. Often, I'll give you a backrub or foot massage without you having to ask, but I will expect something in return (see above).

I'm a typical guy. I’ll cancel plans with you to go to a ball game or a strip club with my friends. If I call and say I have to work late, you might suspect I’ve got a date, but I’ll never admit to it.

No, I'm a typical guy. I know that lying in bed together doesn't have to lead to sex, but it better. When we do have sex, I’ll just roll over and fall asleep afterward. I know that if you don’t focus on my needs, I’ll be angry and seek solace elsewhere.

I'll ask how your day was, and feign interest when you tell me. If you go on and on, my eyes will glaze over. I'll cook your favorite dinner when you've had a long day as long as your favorite is take-out pizza or those Vienna sausages. I'll make you laugh, and I’ll look totally bewildered if you start crying.

Hey, keep your fuckin’ hands off the remote...

Sure I'm poor...but...

It's all about the benjamins...

It is not all about the money to me. I don’t have any. I have problems meeting women that satisfy my needs as the circle of people that I tend to be around produce poor women who cannot keep me in the style to which I am accustomed.

I have plenty of time on my hands, which I use trying to perfect my sexual techniques (see below). Though I do find myself desiring a companion when I'm home or traveling to my mom’s house in Michigan. Could you be someone who I would connect with?

What I am looking for is a low maintenance woman who can handle me working my way into every aspect of your life like, um, maybe cancer. I am fairly attractive and I expect you to be as well. From the paper sacks I wear as shoes to my green sweatpants I want you to look as good on my arm as they do on me. Plus having a beautiful woman beside me on the 42 bus is half of what taking public transportation is all about. Can I borrow 35 cents for a transfer?

As for sex...well that is another difficult area. I have spent many years attempting to perfect my various techniques to please a woman: man on top, man on bottom, man back on top again maybe even. Kissing privates too!!! I am told it is an amazing feeling of power to make a woman orgasm multiple times. I have yet to achieve this. The problem with all of my expertise is that most women please me in return way too fast. Like 5 minutes or so. Oh. I’m also rather small.

Send me a picture that gets my attention along with a reply that stimulates conversation and I will reply. If you do not send a picture I will not reply.

He gets letters:

"Just had to say that the sweatpants and brown bag shoes was far
funnier than the rich man bit. So which is it? Rich or poor? Can't you decide?"

And now for something even newer

They write bad poetry. Well, so can I...

Us sensitive guys don’t have it fair
We wear our feelings on our sleeves, alone we despair
For the right women for whom we can ensnare
Maybe a MWF in with whom we could have an affair
Maybe comb her hair
In a big easy chair
Whilst eating a seckel pear

She'll help him up when he is down
Maybe with a lively night on the town
Perhaps in Georgetown
Can anyone help with another rhyming noun?
Just give me a minute I’ll jot it down on the hem of your gown.

Have you ever thought that a guy prone to snivel
Had a small penis that was prone to shrivel
At the very thought of making his hips swivel
For the lovely craigslist ladies
Thanks for reading this drivel...

Kamehameha I looking for his Ka'ahumanu

When Harry me Sally...

I'm looking for my Ka'ahumanu. Great things came out of Ka'ahumanu, like Liholiho, who served as Kamehameha II.

Me: 35 year old, white male, 6'1", 170lbs kinda squishy.

You: I'm not going to limit what Akua delivers.

looking for my space bar and shift key

While I won't profess to be perfect, I think proper spelling, punctuation, and correct capitalization do count. Some don't...

hi i am a deliciously handsome 35 years old,i am handsome,physically apreciated for my handsomeness and i am looking for sexiness and joyality,i am tired for the bars and clubs, i like sports,movies,music,history,music history,traveling,cooking,space exploration,tornado hunting,trapeze.i would like to meet ladies who just wanna be confortable,spicey,romantic, somebody who gives more value to feelings than anything else since im broke, fidelity is very important, must be mature, resposible, not selfish, sexy.

Shall we engage in foreplay? I think we should.

Foreplay? Better than cuddling...

We should get together and engage in foreplay. Maybe watch a porno or put some A3 in the CD player and chill. It'd be pleasant and comfortable. Hands might roam a bit and most of your clothes will be coming off. Imagine it, just laying there, feeling warm and calm, your bra coming off without you even noticing, my head nestled at the delta of the alpha and omega, my hands wandering south, squeezing your ass, the sound of your soft moans......

I can host, of course. Or I can come to you - whatever works best.

Everbody of quality ladies?

So many linguistically challenged italian guys, so little time...

Rocketinmypocket.com

everyone decent out there reading this?

ANYWAYS
Tired of meeting guys in bars, metro, supermarkets, church or craiglist just looking for one thing? (Well same goes here for me and girls - they are all over me) Go with quality I say, not quantity!


ABOUT ME:
I just relocated to the area in February of 1997. I am a science policy Researcher/Sex Coach/work-model that was just hired in the area 8 years ago. I moved here only knowing 4 people. What else? I played with myself & Nintendo in college. My sis plays the federal assistance system. I graduated Magna Cum Laude with 1 degree. Then I graduated another time with another degree. Both degrees were in art history. I am 6'0 167 and work out everyotherday. I am also looking for a workout partner to hit the sack with intense physical activity.

I am Germano-Franco-Anglo, Athletic, Smart, into fitness, intellectual, know how to dress myself (I learned this at a very young age) and I am picky about underpants, have a good relationship with my mom and family, have manners, I take care of my teeth and other hygiene, washing my privates almost daily, and I eat healthy foods. I DON'T chew except for food. Some of my hobbies include work-modeling, rock concerts (I use to play air-guitar in a band), and mind control experiments, moving objects and stuff, oh and googling.

If you wana get a hold of me, it’s the anonymous email above...or try SEXFREAKYDEAKY23 on the Y or simply Mr.Banana.Hammock on the gmail.


Who I'd like to meet: If you are a fatty fatty fat fat, I probably wont be interested.

I am in search of a clean, lovely woman who will feed me an all you can eat brunch buffet of her bodies of bacon and hash browns and eggs benedict and mixed seasonal fruit. Multiple orgasms is the waffle station. There is also a carving station. A big roast beef. Brunch time only! Serious replies only! Smart girls only! Hot and thin girls only! A limited time only! I promise you’ll warble like a morning lark and shiver like a badly tuned diesel engine. (If after all of my adverbs and similes, you still don't get it...just walk on by...it just wasn't meant to be 8=========D).

He gets letters:

"25 yo female here - you got to be kidding me LOL."

I am ready to explore my kinky side, are you?

No shortage of the kinky...

Looking for an attractive woman who is bored with plain vanilla sex and wants to explore her super kinky side. Do you enjoy making penis kisses, man on bottom sex while I scream "ride'em cowboy," roll-playing like you are a school girl and I am your stern headmaster or I am from outer space from the planet Malvo and you are a astrophysicist, maybe we could EVEN explore foreplay? If any of these makes you wet email me and lets get acquainted. I'll do anything to give you pleasure in return for same. ME: Professional SWM, 6'1", 170lbs, brown hair, brown eyes, D/D free. YOU: Intelligent, friendly, open to new experiences, D/D free, trimmed or shaved, skinny preferred.

He gets letters:

"Sounds fun maybe, I guess it really depends on the view.............got a pic you can share with me?"