I'm a typical guy

Who does he think he's fooling anyway...

I'm a typical guy. I’ll say, "I'll call you sometime" and then I won’t. I'll respect you enough to tell you that I don't think we're a match but only after I sleep with you.

I'm a typical guy. If I buy you flowers 'for no reason', it’ll be because I've done something wrong or want something out of you, i.e. sex, money, blowjob, no particular order. Often, I'll give you a backrub or foot massage without you having to ask, but I will expect something in return (see above).

I'm a typical guy. I’ll cancel plans with you to go to a ball game or a strip club with my friends. If I call and say I have to work late, you might suspect I’ve got a date, but I’ll never admit to it.

No, I'm a typical guy. I know that lying in bed together doesn't have to lead to sex, but it better. When we do have sex, I’ll just roll over and fall asleep afterward. I know that if you don’t focus on my needs, I’ll be angry and seek solace elsewhere.

I'll ask how your day was, and feign interest when you tell me. If you go on and on, my eyes will glaze over. I'll cook your favorite dinner when you've had a long day as long as your favorite is take-out pizza or those Vienna sausages. I'll make you laugh, and I’ll look totally bewildered if you start crying.

Hey, keep your fuckin’ hands off the remote...