The only man in DC who cares only about sex

This self-proclaimed king of smartiosity attempts a humorous ad but it comes off a bit obnoxious. I've always found the self-deprecating humor works better in these situations. Otherwise you come off sounding like someone aspiring to alpha-male status (permalink). If the topic touches the nerve of a particular reader, well then, don't read me.


It seems that approximately 99% of the people on here use some sort of variation on that tired cliché "I'm looking for someone who likes me for me. Someone I can love who will love me back. I just want to be held." Stuff like that. Well, I suppose I'm looking for the same, only when I’m talking about like and love and holding, they’re just basically euphemisms for s-e-x. In short, I need someone who can keep up with me horizontally (or vertically or otherwise). Go ahead and send me hate mail for the following statement, calling me a lout, a pervert, “sex positive” and insensitive throw-back to an earlier era; and then praise the men of today as “in touch” with their “feminine side” and that is how you like your men; if you can't deal with honesty, that's your hang-up, not mine: I'm “sex positive.” I'm really, really really “sex positive” and I am more than just talking about being “sex positive.” I actually like doin’ it. I spend most of my day, each and every day, downloading barely legal porn. And masturbating. And it's exhausting. Truly exhausting. I'm on here, hoping that I can find a woman, a woman with a vagina, who wants me to stick my penis in her vagina and vice versa. Not that she would stick her penis in my vagina, but that she would want me to stick my penis in her vagina. You get the drift.

Okay, with that being said ... hi, hello, greetings and/or salutations, my name is Mr. BananaHammock. It is not a pseudonym, it’s my actual name. I am 38 years and change. I live in Adams Morgan. I'm your typical patent boutique law firm marketing manager who put himself through grad school by taking out a lot of personal loans. My parents actually paid them off so I guess that the statement “I put myself through grad school” is not entirely correct. I'm a bibliophile with a slight astigmatism in my left eye I think (I don’t have to wear glasses but started because I used to check out hotties in the distance walking up the street and as I approached they weren’t as hot as they seemed when they were blurry, sigh). Let's see, I'm not in therapy but probably should be. I seem to attract damaged women and rebound women and these relationships always seem to end weirdly. I read voraciously, sloth obsessively and I'm definitely outdoorsy he-man type. See below my deer hunting picture in full flannel.

My Ideal Person: Is “sex positive” in the sense that they like to act on that urge rather than talk about how “sex positive” they are. Also, my ideal person has a vagina. I like vaginas. I could never get tired of looking at vaginas. Maybe I should’ve been a gynecologist rather than a patent boutique firm marketing manager? That being said ... please be very well educated, be reasonably fit and attractive, and you must have an extremely dark sense of humor.

No relationship rebounders, crazies, commitment-phobes or psychos. I am no longer psycho-friendly.

He gets letters:

"Yes! You're back. We missed you on CL."

"Please, pleeeease do this guy. I think we chatted once or twice on salon.com personals before so I feel like I almost know you and can ask you this. "

Snippets of a Relationship - 2.0

Retread and Update...

Driving day-trips down leaf-covered country roads, me driving and singing along off-key, at the top of my voice to Belle and Sebastian, Rilo Kiley, and Neko Case. You laughing at me, hair in the wind, bare feet up on the dash. Me screaming at you, “Get your fucking feet off my dash. The upholstery is light beige you know…”

Me, “No, we’re not lost. And no, I’m not stopping at that gas station for directions.” You, arms crossed and scowling…

You, “Why do have to be so passive aggressive?” Me, later, cleaning the toilet with your toothbrush…

You, “Let’s go see Dream Girls tonight.” Me, “You’re joking, right? Right? Right?”…

Us having sex. Me behind. You, “Ow! Watch it. I told you no anal.” Me, lying, “Sorry. It was an accident…”

Again, us having sex. Me behind. Me, “Boy, that is one big pimple. Does it hurt?” Me, poking at it with my index finger.

You, getting dressed. Me. Groping your breasts. You, putting on your make-up. Me, groping your breasts. You, driving. Me groping your breasts. You, watching The Office. Me, groping your breasts…

Me, “Ever seen a one-eared elephant?” You, “No.” Me, turning the pocket of my jeans inside out while my penis is hanging out of the fly. Your mother not looking very amused…

Breakfast before work. You complaining about something work related and seeking comfort. Me providing constructive advice. You getting angry. Me saying “What?”…

Reading to/doing crossword puzzles with each other in bed. I fart and pull the covers over your head, trapping you underneath. Me laughing. You really pissed off…

You, “The computer is crashing again. Were you looking at porn?” Me, again lying, “It’s not me. It’s that damn Microsoft. Let’s get a Mac…”

Me, “Wanna have sex?” You, “I’ve got my period.” Me, “How about a blow job then?”…

Cooking together, me telling you to get out of my kitchen, you’re not doing it right, you sulking and watching the TV, trying not to cry...

Shopping together, you trying on 14,000 different pairs of jeans, me holding your purse getting really fed up, wishing I was anywhere but here, but preferably watching a football game...

If my idea of a great relationship can be condensed into a series of non sequiturs, these would be some of the images you might see. I’m 6’ and 172 and pure fun. I’d prefer a woman with her head screwed on straight, but never having actually met one, I’m not too picky in that department.

He gets letters:

"that is one of the most interesting ads ever. Well, not all of it -the part where you are cleaning the toilet with the toothbrush sounds really really scary eeew eeww!"

"your ad made me simultaneously want to kiss you and throttle you. i hope its the former and not the latter though. drinks, hookah, soup?"

Looking for revenge on my ex -- please read

Revenge, a dish best served with large breasts?

Argh. Okay, first off: I'm looking to get back at my ex. Please have big tits since she has small ones and I am hoplessly stuck on her.

Maybe romance will follow.

THANKS!!! :)