The only man in DC who cares only about sex

This self-proclaimed king of smartiosity attempts a humorous ad but it comes off a bit obnoxious. I've always found the self-deprecating humor works better in these situations. Otherwise you come off sounding like someone aspiring to alpha-male status (permalink). If the topic touches the nerve of a particular reader, well then, don't read me.


It seems that approximately 99% of the people on here use some sort of variation on that tired cliché "I'm looking for someone who likes me for me. Someone I can love who will love me back. I just want to be held." Stuff like that. Well, I suppose I'm looking for the same, only when I’m talking about like and love and holding, they’re just basically euphemisms for s-e-x. In short, I need someone who can keep up with me horizontally (or vertically or otherwise). Go ahead and send me hate mail for the following statement, calling me a lout, a pervert, “sex positive” and insensitive throw-back to an earlier era; and then praise the men of today as “in touch” with their “feminine side” and that is how you like your men; if you can't deal with honesty, that's your hang-up, not mine: I'm “sex positive.” I'm really, really really “sex positive” and I am more than just talking about being “sex positive.” I actually like doin’ it. I spend most of my day, each and every day, downloading barely legal porn. And masturbating. And it's exhausting. Truly exhausting. I'm on here, hoping that I can find a woman, a woman with a vagina, who wants me to stick my penis in her vagina and vice versa. Not that she would stick her penis in my vagina, but that she would want me to stick my penis in her vagina. You get the drift.

Okay, with that being said ... hi, hello, greetings and/or salutations, my name is Mr. BananaHammock. It is not a pseudonym, it’s my actual name. I am 38 years and change. I live in Adams Morgan. I'm your typical patent boutique law firm marketing manager who put himself through grad school by taking out a lot of personal loans. My parents actually paid them off so I guess that the statement “I put myself through grad school” is not entirely correct. I'm a bibliophile with a slight astigmatism in my left eye I think (I don’t have to wear glasses but started because I used to check out hotties in the distance walking up the street and as I approached they weren’t as hot as they seemed when they were blurry, sigh). Let's see, I'm not in therapy but probably should be. I seem to attract damaged women and rebound women and these relationships always seem to end weirdly. I read voraciously, sloth obsessively and I'm definitely outdoorsy he-man type. See below my deer hunting picture in full flannel.

My Ideal Person: Is “sex positive” in the sense that they like to act on that urge rather than talk about how “sex positive” they are. Also, my ideal person has a vagina. I like vaginas. I could never get tired of looking at vaginas. Maybe I should’ve been a gynecologist rather than a patent boutique firm marketing manager? That being said ... please be very well educated, be reasonably fit and attractive, and you must have an extremely dark sense of humor.

No relationship rebounders, crazies, commitment-phobes or psychos. I am no longer psycho-friendly.

He gets letters:

"Yes! You're back. We missed you on CL."

"Please, pleeeease do this guy. I think we chatted once or twice on salon.com personals before so I feel like I almost know you and can ask you this. "

Sparkly Flair for International Barbie

This one is for Mir who sent me a link to a poster looking for a pocket-sized, read 6", girlfriend. Unfortunately he took his post down before I could capture it for posterity.

Ciao Bella

Si tu parles anglais, frances, Tagalog, Judeo-Crimean Tatar, Jewish Babylonian Aramaic, Jamaican Country Sign Language or anything else that has a cute accent or involves using your hands to communicate, even Sipakapense (love that Guatemalan charm), drop me a line with a pic so I can see your cute smile. In terms of physical attributes preferences, since I am 6’ and average, I tend to like shorter than me and have dated Barbie DollsTM who were 14" so I am not opposed to being the tall one. Lets get together for drinks or else and get to know each other.

Please weigh around 115-130 pounds, have 30 to 36 inch hips, an 18 to 23 inch waist, and a 38 to 48 inch bust.

Feel free to contact – I have a hidden agenda

He just seems creepy (permalink).


I wasn't sure whether or not I would get a better response if I went platonic or just romantic looking. It is Sunday morning and the pit in my cellar is bare today. I'm too tired to stalk, big night last night, so I thought I'd try to meet somebody electronically.But either way here here is my post. I'm a true Gemini. I moved here from Michigan via Pennsylvania and Virginia. Been here a year. No family or friends here. I'm the quiet loner type. I am looking for attractive girls with sexy womanly curves to meet. I like women who aren’t very vocal, are compliant, and give in easily. I am very attracted to curvy attractive girls with nice skin. I am 6 ft tall and have an average build. I like curvy women with nice skin that don’t have a lot of friends or family (like me). I like women with nice skin whose friends and family, if they have them, wouldn't miss them if they didn’t get in touch for a day or two. Unfortunately, I am not open to any race. I prefer white, but not too white. So if there are any curvy women out there with nice skin, please respond. Nice skin and curvy is essential to the completion of my female-skin “suit.”

So I will attached my picture,

He gets letters:

"'It puts the lotion on it's back' No harm meant, but I couldn't resist. LOL."

Meet my best friend - 37

It's totally not me. Honest. I'm really looking for a date for my best friend (permalink).

I'm posting this for one of my closest friends and he has no idea! He is always there for me. He is the one that introduced me to eating exotic and endangered species. He is the one that has a big medallion of gold. He taught me that wearing leather pants and not shirt can look good on some people. He taught me how to love again. He is attractive and tall with ripped definition. He likes looking at himself in the mirror, posing for what he calls “the lovelies” in metro stations and the 42 bus, Deca-durabolin, and working out. He’s a triple black belt in the ancient and deadly art of Shohei-Ryu-Bollywood Karate. He drinks a lot of Goldschlager because he says it enhances his “inner bling.” He has been known to compare himself favorably with the likes of the Dalai Lama and Jesus. He has a solid career with a large multinational corporation, which he talks about incessantly…stuff like “I took a meeting today with Isaac Mizrahi to discuss the creation of a line of flannel shirts with the arms pre-ripped off for yours truly and others who appreciate a good pump. He wants me to endorse the product line.” But you can usually get him to shut up if you show him your breasts.

He has never been in a long term relationship, but he’s dated a lot and has told me on numerous occasions that he is expert in the art of man on woman sensuality. I asked him once what that meant and he said, “For example, Tao: Cat And Mice Sharing A Hole, Cicada On A Bough, and the Dragon Turns. Also, the secrets of the Yoni: the Uchchushita then the Jihva-bhramanaka, telling him to cleave asunder that archway with his nose and letting his tongue gently probe her yoni with his nose, lips and chin slowly circling. And don’t forget the Mausala, where stiff as a pole in the bed's center, I make love to a woman in way that would make her coo and warble like a woodpigeon.” Huh, I replied.

I asked him what age range he would prefer (I was secretly planning this) he said: 24-35 or so. He told me he would ONLY want a woman who was down to earth, easy going, not demanding or smothering. An insecure woman whom he can fix. A woman who knows that being with him will enhance her life in tangible and meaningful ways. She might even like guys who brood rather than are sparkly. She would have to care about her body since he does. NO BBW's, Rubenesque, Curvy, Cuddly, Irish, or Fatty Fat Fats. She would not be judgmental or stereotypical, but she must love to laugh, be sarcastic and not take life or herself to seriously.

With all this being said I thought I would try a CL ad to see if anyone could be a match for him. I know what he likes. I know what he hats. I can tell you he is not desperate. Please send me an email and a picture of yourself. I will forward it to him If I feel he would be interested.

Hope everyone finds what they are looking for!

Peace

Dinner and Drinks? I've got a coupon!

Does cheap work?

I received a coupon in the mail today. $10 off a dinner at I Ricci! I'm bored hanging out at the same bar with the same friends drinking the same beer and listening to the same music on the same jukebox and would like to do something different. Maybe some coupon-related dining. I'm single, and I would like to hang-out with a cute girl for dinner and drinks between now and the end of August. The coupon is good through August. I'm 37, white, edgy, I have a professional job, I'm dark and broody and fun. If you're interested, feel free to email me back and tell me a little about yourself (a picture would be nice too). This offer, much like my coupon, will expire soon.

SWM seeks meek and mild doormat with an accent or a “lady”

Just a couple guys looking for non-American women (permalink) or Asians only (permalink). Probably the same guy...

Hi “ladies” my name is Mr. “BananaHammock,” 37&single. I just moved here from the
mid-west about 10 years ago and I am looking for a pushover foreigner with poor English skills and a submissive outlook: a “lady” and I did say "lady" to be my house frau.

If you are “Asian,” “European (but not German--they can be real pushy),” “Middle Eastern,” or “Canadian,” etc., be anything but “American” and we will hit it off splendidly. I treat “ladies” exceptionally well. I will define the word “lady.” A “lady” is NOT a whiny, complaining, overweight “American” woman. A “lady” is “lady-like” and “poised,” no hobbies or interest that don’t involve me as the subject of your hobby or interest, because that would make you interested in things other than me, which is of course “unpoised” and “unlady-like.” A “lady” knows how to leave me “replete” with “sensuosity.” A “lady” also talks only when spoken to because a “lady” doesn’t have her own opinions. A “lady” with opinions isn’t a “lady” because I have all the opinions she needs. Females with too many opinions and too much to say about too many topics (“unladies”) are obviously not thinking enough about me and you will fit into the overweight, whiny, complaining, American woman category, basically meaning that you are not a “lady” but rather a whiny, complaining, overweight American and I simply am not interested. An “unlady” is what you are. No body piercings or tattoos (unless tribal as a result of your upbringing outside of America), no fat, no raised in America, no brains, no drama, no opinions. American women are like that and American men don't like that. Trust me. What? Would I lie? I better not be hearing an opinion…..

He gets letters:

"U are funny – so serious"

" You rule dude! If you find her, and she has a sister who needs citizenship, lemme know."

"I am a lady from a mixed middle easter and east africa where one civilization existed for a long time the land of Aida. However, in simple words, am in a good shape and exercise often about 5 times if not more for a short time, i love to cook and eat healthy. I like normal guy with not too much opinions and complains all the time, in short not a negative person. Height is important if you are less than 5'6'' you might be intimated, as am 5'10''..

well, what you have said needs more explanation, i kind of got what you need to say but it was a bit confusing, why.. i see you were a bit extreme on some type of women and maybe your experience reflects on what you have said. All is good for now... hit me with e-mail …if i appeal to you a reasonable person .. let's see if we can connect or not...

I will attached pic, when you want me too..

take care i would expect you will receive many junks e-mail from women who heat what you have said...enjoy....."

Tired of the B.S? So am I!!!!!!

I'm so very tired of all the B.S. Maybe I can find a nice well-adjusted girl on craigslist?

Are you tired of all the B.S.? Are you tired of all the head games? Are you tired of all the cheaters and liars? Good so am I. I am a regular guy. I am no Billy Bob Thornton. My hobbies include off-road-para-bungee-surfing, extreme drinking, gential origami, amateur astronauting, time travel, cavy-wrangling, pubic hair topiary design, hip hop dance-offs, and singing glam metal on metro. I'm easy on the eyes, 6'1", fit-ish, hair, a bit introverted, easy to step on as I find myself laying on the floor a lot. You hopefully can lay on top of me! Don't send a single line asking for a picture as I've included one of me. Please send one of yourself. I hope hear from you soon.


{please be skinny and cute...please be skinny and cute}

My Ideal Woman

His ideal woman encompases about 90% of the female population in DC (permalink). Good luck fella...

I'm not going to waste a lot of time sitting here telling you why I don't really need to post this post. I really don't. I meet plenty of women in real life and I don't really need the help of this craigslist ad to find women. OK, so I basically thought I'd post here with the possibility of meeting the woman I am looking for and hope she is reading craigslist as well.

The person I am looking for:
I prefer women with hair. I have never had a successful relationships with women that don't have hair. Blond, brown, redhead: it doesn't matter. I prefer white women and between 28 and 26. I like teeny/petite women. I like normal-sized women. I like women who work out and have a figure. I prefer women who wear B-cups. My most successful relationships were with B-cups. 34-B's to be precise, but the diameter around your chest shouldn't make any difference. I like smart girls. Smart girls don't like me. I prefer girls named Allison, Sara, or Kirsten. I don't seem to get along with woman with weird, made-up names like Shasta, LaSpecial, or Judy. You should be able to walk AND chew gum. At the same time. I prefer attractive women with nice figures, but they don't seem to like me much either. I also want to find a woman with a hot mother. This tells me a lot about how good they are going to look later on.

About me:
I am from Michigan. Stand about 6'1'', brown hair, brown eyes, 168lbs. Not sure why I came to DC. Very new to the area and never posted on craigslist before. Ever. Never ever. Many of my previous girlfriends said that I made them feel “safe” so I am sure that will scare away most of you women. I am a social guy and will talk to anyone about anything anywhere. I can even be social during sex. I might say, “How 'bout them Redskins!” or “do you think Patrick Swayze was better in Red Dawn or Roadhouse?” Maybe we could discuss whether or not the theoretical questioning of traditional terminological frameworks in deconstructivism are deeply entwined with radical reconfigurations of Western concepts of nature, body, and sex while doin' it. Or I could just grunt and give you my cum-face.

Its unlikely I will find my perfect girl on here but if you fit the bill for the most part I think it's worth a shot.

Expert Chicken Sexer ready for change: business/life associate sought!

Paging Dr. Crazy...to the ER, STAT...(permalink)

I command that you STOP and take a few seconds to ruminate this missive and cogitate on whether or not YOU know if you have the excellence of character to be a life-associate to this former expert chicken sexer, 2-time winner of the Japanese Chicken Vent Sexing Championship / about to launch into something exceptionally entrepreneurial and fun too...

don't just sit on the sidelines, JUMP right in...

A swm, CAN-DO MAN WITH AN UNCUCKOO PLAN ... RIGHT HERE IN DC...ALSO. Just read on, my bedrock values and BELIEFS involve having fun engaging entrepreneuristically and not only for the revenue, but the fun, as well as the revenue and fun. I am looking for an attractive and thin female, blessed with intelligenceness, and NOT caught by post-natalist encumbrances, who is really ambitious and entrepreneurally inclined, but ambitious for monetary fulfillment and FUN.

I would like to have a business and a romance ASSOCIATE: all wrapped up into one...sort of like sleeping with your cube-mate! :) One thing that chicken sexing has taught me is that the external appearance of baby chickens can fall into as many as 15 basic patterns. Also, that I am serious about entrepreneurship in specialized fields where fun and profit are TANTAMOUNT. I am looking for this special somebody, YES USING CRAIGSLIST, for an associate NON crime NON NON romance... I am entrepreneurial as well as educated in CHICKEN SEXING-SCIENCES...and have previous experience and expertise in entrepreneurismness.

PLEASE be open yourself to the POSSIBILITY of a WIN:WIN situation...DAZZLE me your capacity to be an ASSOCIATE. I thank you for your speedy response to this once-in-a-lifetime offer. Your response should be replete with honesty and detail at great length your reasons for answering and more about yourself. Yes, conversating on truthfulance and honestment IS key and this might indicate where this proceeds OR not.. I am genuinely hoping that Craig sends me someone who is as smart and entrepreneurialistically inclined as I am.

Agnostic GenX Sexilicious Selfish Waspy American “Fucking Liberal”

Thanks, Amanda, to the wonderful heads-up to this joker (permalink) who wants to get deep inside a very special group of ladies.

Agnostic GenX Sexilicious Selfish Waspy American “Fucking Liberal”

6'1" eyes of brown, short brown hair. No beard. Currently smoking.

I prize fairness and accuracy above all. I constantly strive to report life objectively, not as I want it to be; in the manner of a of an investigative reporter, like Greg Palast. I agree with T. D. Allmans's concept of the importance of not only getting the facts right, but also getting the meaning of the events right. I have lived/studied overseas, active in sporting events like beer pong, extreme eating, and bungie motocross. I also like to reenact future events and am writing a novelization of the “Chronicles of Narnia” films which I hope to sell to Double Day or Regnery. I live in a community of poets, artists, drunkards, imbeciles, and NIMBY yuppies.

I want a woman that values truth rather than points of view and “fucking liberals” no matter how fucking liberal they are. I want her to be committed to staying in shape, even if I don't, and is also caring and loving. I want to travel together, to the grocery store, to car dealerships, to the Winter X Games, to France, and new places around the world. I want you to want me inside of you. Deep inside. Very deep. Inside. Of you. Deep. Also a polyamorous relationship would be cool too. I like variety.

No Longer “Psycho-Friendly”

Sometimes my inspiration for these posts comes from life off the internet. Scary thought, huh? I don't want to point fingers or anything, but for those of you very close to me I'll give you all of the juicy details on my sooper secret blog...

This boy would love to find a nice girl who has a positive outlook on life, is smart and snarky, attractive, is a good conversationalist, and who shares similar interests with me. A girl who is maybe into art, but if she isn't, is polite enough to feign interest rather than proclaim the subject “fucking boring” since I spent 6 years of undergrad and graduate work on the subject. A girl who is a liberal, but if not, has the intellectual capacity to defend her point of view rather than relying on such pejoratives as “fucking liberals” and other conversation enders. A girl who maybe finds Drew Barrymore as adorable as I do, but if she doesn't, isn't convinced I'm having an affair with her friend who does find Drew adorable. A girl who doesn't blog, but if she does, isn't obsessive about her site statistics, who's visiting, and doesn't construct paranoid delusions about why they are visiting. A girl who possesses an emotional quotient and intellectual maturity befitting her age. A girl who has a firm grip on reality. Relatively drama-free would be nice. Could you be her?

Cool open-minded guy looking for curvy girls with nice skin

It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again (permalink).

I am a cool open-minded guy originally from Michigan. I am interested in meeting curvy girls with nice skin. I live in Adams Morgan. I work in the legal industry and my neighbors would say I’m a quiet loner who generally “keeps to himself.” I am looking for attractive girls with sexy womanly curves to meet. I like women who aren’t very vocal, are compliant, and give in easily. I am very attracted to curvy attractive girls with nice skin. I am 6 ft tall and have an average build. I like curvy women with nice skin that don’t have a lot of friends or family that would miss them if they didn’t get in touch for a day or two. My ideal curvy girl with nice skin will remember to rub the lotion on her skin (or else she’ll get the hose). Unfortunately, I am not open to any race. I prefer white, but not too white. So if there are any curvy women out there with nice skin, please respond. P.S . nice skin and curvy is essential to the completion of my female-skin “suit.”

Does any really take that sh*t seriously?

"Intellectual giant" (permalink) who lives in a glass house shouldn't throw stones....

My most recent predominantly current love is to read all different adds, replies, re-replies, re-re-replies, re-re-re-replies, people busting on each other, people busting on themselves, crazy people, self-absorbed people, people with low self-esteem, people with high self-esteem.......... and oh yeah, the grammer/spelling or lack thereof that people exibit.

Honestly, this add is your first impression of a person that they're themselves probably going to sleep with on the first or second date. If you cannot take the time to write a coherint sentance with no spelling errors or a paragraphs that follow some kind of logical progression, then why the f*ck would I consider replying to your add?

Anyway, I'm unimaginative. So entertain me. Now. I work in DC and there are so many hot girls walking around. Just imagine all the people you walk past every day. Just imagine that you are the king of America and you outlaw clothes for hot women. Who would make the dicisions on who would be considered hot? There are so many that it would be hard for you to judge all by yourself. Judges? Would you get to pick them? Probably, since you are the king of America. Also, think of all the hotties that you're attracted to... and you'll never have sex with like ½ of them. In real life anyway. Depressing really. But if you were the king of America, you could have sex with anyone you wanted. Who would you pick first. What if they said no. Would you put them in jail. Or imagine that you are king that everyone loves so you had sex with all. So much that your penis fell off. Scary.

So this is my home pc, but i'll only send you a pic for a pic. However, allow me to be descriptive of my presence: 6'1”, 168 lbs, brown hair, brown eyes, american looks. I've been told I'm attractive. My grandma never lied to me. Alright, thats probably enough for you to want to marry me. I could list a thousand things here describing the physical/emotional aspects I'm seeking. I want a skinny woman with big tits. And attractive. A woman that shuts up when she is told to shut up. A woman whose not crazy. A woman whose not a fat woman. A woman of my own caliber of mental strengthiness?

Curious to see if anyone actually replies to this.

He gets cl M4W responses:

"Strengthiness isn't a word "Mr. Intellectual". And there's a perfectly good reason you're 36 and single. Read your profile again. It's all in there. I just saved you a shrink invoice."

"It's ironic that you complain about incorrect spelling, yet you do it yourself almost from the beginning of your ad (NOTE: It's AD and not ADD.) "

"Of course, by posting, I'm giving this putz what he wants. But I can't resist. Besides the fact that he left "one" out of the title (anyone), how can you critique anyone's grammar/spelling/sentence structure when you produce this crap? I don't even know what the first sentence means!"

"Pretty damn funny. I especially like that you mispelled coherent in your commentary about the sack of shit, negligent writers who fail to spell check, or worse yet, are just too dumb.

I'm too lazy at the moment to change my e-mail listing with Craigs list, yeah mentally too tired, and honestly not interested in romance. So, this comcast address that shows, I've never used; maybe I'll figure it out. Life is very good in the romance departmernt, but I strayed from the platonic section, because it's dull and tiring. (I'm new to DC and want to meet people outside of work.)

Good luck in your search for the barbee who will sit up and shut up; she'll come in the form of a crazy woman who gets it. Crazy of course, in all the right ways."

Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?

Under the title "George Seeking My Martha" I finally do my take on the Matrixman (permalink), who has been for the last several months Neo looking for his Trinity. He claims to be swimming in the deep end of the pool, but I'm thinking that he's probably has those floaty things on his forearms.

Did you see the movie? That is the kind of love that I want in my life. Remember how Martha, played by Elizabeth Taylor says to Richard Burton as George, "Hey, swamp! Hey swampy!" And George replies, "Yes, Martha? Can I get you something?" and Martha says, "Ah, well, sure. You can, um, light my cigarette, if you're of a mind to." Then George says, "No. There are limits. I mean, a man can put up with only so much without he descends a rung or two on the old evolutionary ladder, which is up your line. Now, I will hold your hand when it's dark and you're afraid of the boogeyman and I will tote your gin bottles out after midnight so no one can see but I will not light your cigarette. And that, as they say, is that." And here's poor George Segal and Sandy Dennis who don't know what to make of any of it!

While I know that it is just a movie and this is just CL I am realistic that a love like this will probably not come about as a result of this ad. I still don't think that I should give up and I know that my gin-swilling Martha is out there. I am 6'1" weigh 168 lbs, athletic, and good looking. I graduated a few years ago from UVa with my Master's so the air of superiority that I cultivate is pretty genuine. Most of my friends would say that I nuts.

If the idea of hanging out sounds intriguing to you and you would like to meet for copious amounts of alcohol, and you might be inclined to think that you are the Earth Mother and men are all flops, please leave me a note and I will respond as soon as I can.

Please send a pic with your response. I hope to hear from you soon.

Peace, Mr. BananaHammock

I'm funnier than your last date, he was a douchebag! I'm not gay

This guy (permalink) seems to really be insecure in his heterosexuality. I'm not sure what liking cats and Kelly Clarkson have to do with being gay, but he sure seems to think there is some connection. Maybe if one of his past times was destroying healthy Christian marriages?

Hey

Thanks for checking out my ad, a wiser decision could not have been made by you!

So here is a little about me:

I have been single for a while now, getting tired of trying to meet people on my morning commute and decided to try something different. Hoping to meet someone for friendship and maybe more.

I am a SWM, 6'1", in pretty good shape. I am originally from the midwest, but have lived out here a little more than 10 years.

Quick facts:
-Queer as Folk was my favorite show, but I'm not gay.
-My favorite food is brunch. I would kill for it and crave it every day, but I'm not gay.
-I have a Shih Tzu that I carry around everywhere, and am not gay
-I like show tunes, but freaking love ABBA, Pet Shop Boys, Kylie Minogue, Bronski Beat, Bette Midler, and Cher....I repeat, I am not gay
-I say in a rather loud voice "Abercrombie & Fitch is so OVER!" whenever I pass one of their stores...so not gay
-I am currently wearing an Aveda Tourmaline Charged Radiance Masque...not gay.
-I regularly bake ketamine for recreational use
-I love vodka gimlets and Chocolate Choo Choos. They taste like candy.

I am really a normal guy, with quirks like anyone else. Lets exchange emails and please attach your pic, I will reply with mine. If you dont reply, then the terrorists have won...not gay.

Take care, hope to hear from you soon.

Extreme Athlete/Sex Coach SEEKING Model-like-Shrill Girl

Italian model guy looking for Model-like-Fitness girl. Whites only (permalink).

New To Area/Very FIRST time posting/SEEKING QUALITY-ATTRACTIVE-SHRILL GIRL

I'm thrifty, brave, and kind, and I'm basically a lump of hairy man-flesh with a rock n roll attitude (I play a mean air guitar; you’re reaction is probably “wicked sweet”; I know mine would be). I like my job as an extreme athlete and sex coach (because I everything I do is extreme!); there's nothing more extreme than sky-surfing or volcano-skiing or shark-wrangling or bungee-para-blading. I am also exceptionally good at “Free Cell.” I am particularly adept at sitting still for long periods of time. I have several pairs of sweatpants. I'm more than just a pretty face. My body is attuned to your needs as I am conversant in all forms of man on woman sensuality. I know how to make a girl cry by telling her that her butt looks big in those jeans. I want someone to iron chef with, someone who might want to juggle knives or chainsaws or both, or maybe someone who can play a mean air base and knows someone who plays air drums so we can form a power trio.

About me and who I'd like to date; how do you describe what you are looking for? I’m looking for that special girl that drinks too much at the restaurant and becomes verbally abusive to the waitstaff. Outside, after we’re thrown out for disturbing the other patrons, my special girl will verbally abusive toward a group of large and drunk men, forcing me to "protect her honor" against my will, leaving me with a concussion, bruises, and a few broken ribs. She will complain constantly on a date about everything, but particularly that her feet hurt, that it’s too cold out, and that she has to pee if we’re on a nice evening stroll around town. She will be highly critical of my lifestyle. She dislikes my clothing and furniture and is openly hostile toward my friends and other women who might speak to me. She uses sex as a weapon and pouts frequently when she doesn’t get her way. Are you her?

If you wanna get a hold of me, its EXTREMESEXY344 on the AIM - yellow running guy - or MRBANANAHAMMOCK on the G...(mention you got my name from here)

Craigslist keywords: extreme, sex coach, bungee-para-blading, free cell, power trio, air guitar

Best First Date Idea Ever!!! - 36

I think mine sounds like more fun than his (permalink).

It could be a potentially bad idea, but it is worth a shot. I am a SWM, 36, erudite, employed, entertaining, endearing, selectively gentlemanly, blah blah blah.... One half of the reason I decided to post to Craigslist is because I could meet a nice girl, fall in love, get married, have kids, grow old, die, .

The other half of the reason is that I came up with the best first date idea ever and would need to have someone to take on this date. First we agree to meet at this really nice restaurant. I show up late. And drunk. I order for you. I’m rude to the waitress. I’m critical of whatever profession you are in. I mention something about how your butt looks big in whatever you are wearing. Further, I mention something about how I think that the proper role for women is chained to my stove, barefoot and pregnant. Intrigued, you don’t end the date there. From the restaurant we decide to go to a club and dance. We do shots of something. You don’t notice that I’ve slipped a ruffie in your drink, but at this point, it probably doesn’t matter much anyway as I’m probably too drunk to “get it up.” As you start to lose consciousness, I hustle you out of the club and into a cab to my apartment. At this point, I’m passing out, your passed out. We wake up in bed the next morning, both fully clothed, in a puddle of my vomit. You’ll notice that your bra is unhooked though, I’m good at that.

If your are interested let me know. I have never met anyone like this, but it is worth a shot. If you like me, that would be great. If you don't like me, that would be great too.

Ho Hum Looking for Whatever : | - 36

Relatively Good Looking (permalink) vs. Mildly Depressed. Who will find "Whatever" first? Who knows? Who cares? Whatever.

Educated, bored, mildly depressed, likes to complain, 6'1", etc., for whatever with a woman. It can be a one-time thing or a two time thing or whatever; maybe we'll leave the couch; maybe not. I’m single and busy these days but friends think I should seek the company of a woman or whatever. You should like couches and sleeping in late!!! Whatever, we can do that next week or something. Whatever. : Please send a picture or two and tell me what you’d be interested in. 

Bonobo love.

I find it particulary irritating that some of these posters write these silly ads where I can't figure out if it's meant as a paean to monogamy and other traditional family values in order to assist them in scoring with chicks or just a simple admiration of swan love (permalink). I suppose it is the former...blech. At 40 I think you should know better...


Isn't it wonderful that Bonobos, or pygmy chimpanzees, usually mate like crazy and aren't monogamous? The species is best characterized as female-centered (which I'm totally OK with) and egalitarian and as one that substitutes sex for aggression. Whereas in most other species sexual behavior is a fairly distinct category, in the bonobo it is part and parcel of social relations. Their hot monkey love-making habits have inspired me for at least the last hour or so. Would you like to be my sex obsessed pygmy chimpanzee? 

Who is Samuel "Black" Bellamy

The "Who is John Galt?" guy is back (permalink) still seeking the company of the exceptional female who may have read Atlas Shrugged. I guess it would've been better if I asked "Who is Ragnar Dannesjköld?" but oh well...

If you know the answer to this and other obscure questions then you probably be pirate-lovin', arrrrgh, and booty-lovin' enough for me! Let me debauch you on furniture that I plundered from John Galt....arrgh. All replies are answered. Really more interested in your breasts though, honest!