I taught her how to love again

Something somewhat new. Mr. BananaHammock M4W post coupled with a W4M missed connection for the woman he taught how to love again...

I'm at the office so I'm wearing my Carla Behrle leather pants. No shirt. My chunky gold bracelet keeps clanging on the keyboard as I type. Just back from the gym so my body glistens, my muscles are pumped and totally cut. Abs, delts, biceps, triceps. I flex for the ladies in the cubicles as I make my way back to my office to type this missive.

Last night, I walk into Angles. I flex for the ladies and grab an ISS Effervescent Creatine Orange and Hybolin Decanoate mixed with Old Raj Gin. My back to the bar, I settle into a one of those bar stools, my head bobbing in rhythm to music that only I can hear. I glance to my left. I glance to my right. I’m scanning the joint for ladies that can handle this juggernaut of ecstasy. Spotted in the corner. One special one, I give her my bicep flex swivel-wrist point and wink. I can tell she needs the kind of hot man on woman sensuality that only I can provide. She needs me to teach her how to love again.

She’s a hot, dirty blonde in a sheer summer dress. I give my smoky, smoldering, bedroom eyes. I give her my hot, snarly lip curl. I give her my Front Double Biceps and Back Lat Spread combo and then run through my posedown routine. I notice that she is noticing me. She’s taking it all in -- muscle mass, density, ripped definition, intensity, dignity and flair. She’s blushing. I know what she wants to ask me but she is shy. I approach and tell her that I’d be more than happy to teach her how to love again. We proceed to the ladies room which is much more spacious than the men’s room, enough space necessary to accommodate all of my hot man on woman sensuality techniques. Space enough that she won’t bang her head on a urinal. It is here that I teach her to love again.

After I spoil her for other men, I head for the Safeway on the way to my Adams Morgan compound to get something for dinner. I pick up a crudités platter, panda tenderloin, and Ranch Salad kit. I’ll be up late practicing my bedroom eyes.

Looking good. Human growth hormones. Eating exotic animals. A juggernaut of ecstasy. Teaching women how to love. That is what I am about. And if you’re tired of those limp-wrist denizens of craigslist, you know where to find me. Your pic gets mine.


And the Missed Connection...

You taught me how to love again - w4mLast night at Angles. You were wearing tight leather pants and no shirt. Your physique was like nothing I’ve ever seen before. You spoiled me for other men in the ladies room around 8:00 PM. I wish I’d asked for your number. Coffee?

Coca-Cola® and Pop Rocks®

Bored. A friend threw this one (permalink) over the transom. Craigslist is getting kind of weak...

I am looking for a smart, witty girl to share quite evenings eating Pop Rocks® and drinking Coca-Cola® in the twinkling city lights while our stomachs explode horribly.

I love my banter intellectual, my repartee witty and my women’s nether-regions shaved. For instance, I like to spend time discussing the number of pancakes it would take to make a stack of pancakes that could touch the moon, both stacked one on top of another AND stacked end-to-end, wondering if the addition of butter and syrup would change the number of pancakes in either instance, while I’m playing your crotch like a Jew’s Harp. I'm six one.

I’m into extreme banjo, time travel, and pubic hair topiary.

What do you like to do in your free time if you even have any (please say sex…please say sex…please say sex)?

He gets letters:

"Before I send you a picture, I was wondering how old you are and how old of a person you're looking for. I have a feeling I may be too young since I'm 18. I do enjoy talking about random fun things as well; like the purpose of tangelo's and how much you'd be worth in an auction. It's up to you if you want to reply."

"No freaks?? you surely sound like a freak yourself!!

Unbind Me

I just don't know what to say about this guy, except for "for the love of god, please learn correct punctuation" (permalink).

Hi there! I'm an easy going, laid back, outgoing, and sometimes even spontaneous. I like to eat food. I recognize the importance of water in keeping hydrated. I travel to nice places, dance the YMCA, and exude a pleasant odor (though I cannot say the same thing about my apartment). Near perfect strangers tell me personal things about their vaginas. I guess that means I am easy to talk to or something. I have a passion for sex and I can measure my penis in inches ( 3 in all ).

I am currently single, but a little tied up at the moment. I am looking for someone to unbind me before I die of thirst. Help?

DC Conservatives Spoil Max Thrust's "Wow" Moment

Earlier today I was at the Grooming Lounge. Ultimate facial including lymphatic drainage, a collagen mask, an eye treatment and a hot/cold facial massage. Brazilian wax for my upcoming trip to Cabo. Age defying exfoliation for my feet. I’m Max Thrust. Lobbyist for the Free Speech Coalition.

I’m feeling good about myself. It’s casual Tuesday for me again so I’m wearing my Jasper Conrad pants, jacket, and tie ($855, $332, and $138 respectively); my shirt is Lorenzini ($275), and my shoes and pocket square are by Salvatore Ferragamo ($725 and $70). My Jasper Conrad pants are down around my ankles and I’ve got our blonde intern from California bent over my mahogany desk. I’m smoking a Ramon Allones Tubo while I’m giving her dictation.

I’m swirling my penis inside of her 20-yr old vagina from behind as we are putting together a memo on the S. 49, the Barely Legal Protection Act. I believe I’d mentioned something about this Senate gambit that will talk money out of the pockets of my clients in the San Fernando Valley, and by extension me, as well as those young women coming out West to become famous actresses.

For some reason or another, the Senate hopes to prevent the offering of dirty pictures where the model or actress appears to be younger than she's supposed to be and thus making men's blood boil in extreme dirtiness. Just as I am having my “wow” moment, I start thinking, “when did DC become so conservative?”

Easter by Mr. Banana Hammock (not Omari)

It seems a bit hollow to me that Jesus' dad let Jesus die for our sins. My sins? vodka, cigarettes, barely legal porn, and premarital sex. I don't count masturbation as a sin since the fundies started saying that you should worship your body like a temple and I've had to worship that temple a lot recently.

Easter is apparently named after the pagan goddess Eostre, an Anglo-Saxon maiden-goddess of fertility. Primitive cultures found this to be a very sacred and holy thing, and have honored Eostre in many ways down through recorded history. And, as one might expect, it has been invariably symbolized by the rebirth of a dead deity.

The name Eostre or Oestre in Latin apparently derives from the Greek, and has it's roots in a word that means "frenzy." We see this word again in English in "estrus," meaning a female mammal 'in heat' and able to conceive, and if anybody has encountered a female in estrus, let me tell you...they are frenzied.

In my family, Easter is a celebration of a certain animal from the family of leporids who leave chocolate candy and hard boiled eggs as treats. I don't eat chocolate generally so I generally gave them to my crazy sister. Also we color the hard boiled eggs. Later, before the ham dinner, we strip naked, go out in the woods, dance around a tree, and offer to dye the pubic hair of the young women that would walk by my house singing their fertility songs or regularly ranting about not "getting any."

Max Thrust gets a new client

The Big Mouthfuls of America Association, or BMAA, just recently joined the Free Speech Coalition in order that yours truly would lobby on issues relating to a reauthorization of an Act to limit the size of mouthfuls that these enterprising young women are allowed to accept. It’s popularly called the “I Promise I Won’t Come in Your Mouth Too Much” Act. I’m Max Thrust. Lobbyist for the Free Speech Coalition.

This is a case, at least in my opinion, where Congress is overreaching. With all the talk about banning transfats and complaining that kids are getting too fat because of what they are putting in their mouths, etc., I guess you are starting to see a pattern. What these women are ingesting, or letting drip down their chins, is high in protein and low in calories. And we all know that protein is essential for muscle growth and when consumed breaks down into amino acids which are the building blocks of the body. Without protein, your hair could fall out, your fingernails could crumble, and your muscles could deteriorate into, well, mush. Also ingesting protein will help you lose weight.

So, anyway, the other night I’m swirling my penis inside this woman’s vagina in the men’s room at Morton’s. Maybe I’m getting ahead of myself. Ok, so I notice this young woman at the bar in Morton’s checking me out. I walk up to her and ask her if she’d like to join me in the bathroom so that I can swirl my penis inside her vagina. She says, “I’d very much like you to swirl your penis inside my vagina.” So we go to the bathroom. After I’m swirling it around a bunch, I tell her, “Hey, I’m about to have my "happy fun" moment. My man juice is made of protein. It’s good for losing weight. You’re kinda fat. Can I swirl my penis in your mouth for a bit?”

Then something happens. She gets all made about something and I don’t get to finish. As a result I’m very horny. And as always, my blackberry is on...

Max Thrust....and naked pictures...

My bedroom? 9,200-Thread-Count 100% Cotton sheets by Armani. Cream colored to avoid potential "staining" when I am actually entertaining a georgetown co-ed over at my well-appointed condo. Usually I do my business in the bathrooms of the various DC neighborhood bars with many an eager mouth. Me? Max Thrust. Lobbyist for the Free Speech Coalition. My recent problem? Naked pictures.

Naked pictures posted on the Internet of an aide to Missouri Gov. Tad Clunt (R) to be exact. Son of House Minority Whip Goy Clunt (R), are proving fodder for a bare-knuckles political spat.

The state Republican Party is blaming Democrats for sharing the pictures — which apparently were stolen from the aide’s computer — with the media. When I spoke to another lobbyist, Frank L. Dudd, he said that “This does nothing to further political discourse and has no place in Missouri politics. We have actively discouraged the press from reporting on this.”

OK, the political back-and-forth may be interesting, but the pictures, you ask, what about the pictures? Turns out, they’re not as titillating as you’d think for all the fuss. Or at least in DC. There is no good place to insert "bend-over boyfriend" in this post is there? As always, my blackberry is on...

He gets letters:

"Are u sure ur sheets r 9.200 thread count? U might mean 900? I never heard of 9.200 thread count, but then again, u could have some absolutely amazing sheets? I luv great sheets, just bought 1,000 thread count sheets last weekend, they look great. So what r u lookin for?

Ciao,"