Easter by Mr. Banana Hammock (not Omari)

It seems a bit hollow to me that Jesus' dad let Jesus die for our sins. My sins? vodka, cigarettes, barely legal porn, and premarital sex. I don't count masturbation as a sin since the fundies started saying that you should worship your body like a temple and I've had to worship that temple a lot recently.

Easter is apparently named after the pagan goddess Eostre, an Anglo-Saxon maiden-goddess of fertility. Primitive cultures found this to be a very sacred and holy thing, and have honored Eostre in many ways down through recorded history. And, as one might expect, it has been invariably symbolized by the rebirth of a dead deity.

The name Eostre or Oestre in Latin apparently derives from the Greek, and has it's roots in a word that means "frenzy." We see this word again in English in "estrus," meaning a female mammal 'in heat' and able to conceive, and if anybody has encountered a female in estrus, let me tell you...they are frenzied.

In my family, Easter is a celebration of a certain animal from the family of leporids who leave chocolate candy and hard boiled eggs as treats. I don't eat chocolate generally so I generally gave them to my crazy sister. Also we color the hard boiled eggs. Later, before the ham dinner, we strip naked, go out in the woods, dance around a tree, and offer to dye the pubic hair of the young women that would walk by my house singing their fertility songs or regularly ranting about not "getting any."

Christian Massage - Oil, Candles, Jars of Clay CD

I guess you cannot blame him for trying. And trying. And trying. And trying (permalink).

Single Christian male seeking a good Christian lady who believes sex is a shameful act against God except for making babies. I live alone with a complete collection of Davey and Goliath videos. I attend church on a regular basis, but have not met there what I am looking for: a white female virgin for some godly Christian massage with the intent of marriage and children. So I am trying this over the Internet. I believe a man and a woman should spend time together in prayer, judging the unsaved.

I have several choices of oil (lavender, Bergaamot Mint, and Myrtle Lemon), incense that while inspire high levels of spirituality, and Jars of Clay's “Jars of Clay” CD. I have edible body dusts that I can lick off you and arousal balms for your nipples and genitals when our union is sanctified by Jesus. I have a box of Franzia chilling in the fridge if you desire adult libations, but more than one glass could be a bad idea. Remember Noah (Genesis 9:21,24). Please be literate, attractive, thin, and love Jesus.

I have references you can call. Yes the pic is me. I have others that I can trade. I have one where I am at a Promise Keepers rally. I have another where I am throwing a molotov cocktail at a local abortion mill. You must also have pics. I am highly selective with regard to who I choose to rub in a Christian manner. We must also talk on the phone before meeting so I know you aren't a guy. I don't want to rub down a guy. It's against nature and an affront to God.

Not interested in Catholics, Presbyterians, Methodists, Episcopalians, Secular Humanists, Vegans, Europeans, or any other such cultists who might introduce me to exotic new ideas that might cause me to question my True Christian Beliefs. I will, however, pray for your quick end and a speedy journey to a very hot place, where you will be spending all eternity roasting in a literal lake of fire, Amen.


He gets letters:

"We are a group of single Christian women looking for a group massage because to do it one on one would be a sin. We attend church on a regular basis but secretly lust after a man who wants to massage us in an unChristian manner. It would also be nice if he could spearfish. We are very literate and attractive. Some are whiter than others. Some are thinner than others. But we all love Jesus. We also believe that a man and a woman should spend time together in prayer, on thier knees, naked and prostate before God.

We prefer sandalwood and jasmine scents. One of us is amazingly musical and writes her own praise music. In addition to Jesus we also love Sufijan Stevens and Striper.

Franzia is so not acceptable to God. We like a good bottle of wine.

We are Anglicans (no Episcopalians, thank you very much!), Mennonites (peace loving Anabaptists) and non denominational Protestants (do we know any Catholics???) and get this, some of us, date non-Christians. Some of us make out regularly with non Christians but we only rub in a Christian manner with men who could be our husbands. Read: Proverbs 31.

If you think you can handle us and only all of us (because we only group date), write us back."

i want to play poker with Jesus and his disciples

More I want. I want. I want (permalink).

I just saw the Da Vinci Code and was thinking how cool it would be to kick it with Jesus and a six-pack of Corona.

Are you a Scientologist?

Got Church? (permalink)

I am a single, never married white dude, 72.5 inches tall, brown hair, brown eyes.

Being “clear” is a requirement. Please no engrams, implants, or haters. Just be straight-forward and "normal"! My world is not incomplete, but it would be nice to share my world with someone crossing the bridge to total freedom.

My perception of an ideal relationship: Someone who believes that psychiatry was responsible for World War I, the rise of Hitler and Stalin, the decline in education standards in the United States, the wars in Bosnia and Kosovo, and the September 11 attacks. Also, you believe that Xenu was the alien ruler of the "Galactic Confederacy" who, 75 million years ago, brought billions of people to Earth in spacecraft resembling Douglas DC-8 airliners, stacked them around volcanoes and blew them up with hydrogen bombs. Then the souls of these unfortunates clustered together and stuck to the bodies of the living. Other than that, I am pretty flexible. If you are interested in any of these qualities, please feel free to inquire!

Yes, I can actually drag myself off my couch, take of the sweats and put on jeans, and head out to a smoky bar. Just let me spay myself down with AXE first. I am a huge fan of past life experiences! In one, I was deceived into a love affair with a robot decked out as a beautiful blonde with big bazongas, though the metal body probably should’ve tipped me off that something wasn’t right. Anyway, we’re frolicking naked in this field on the planet Venus and out of nowhere this Martian priest driving a zamboni crushes me and my robot girlfriend. I wonder what I learned from that experience?

I BELIEVE IN XENU! I would like to have someone that gets audited on a regular basis. No longer preclear friendly.

Blessings

Mr. Banana Hammock

(key words: Xenu, Hitler, robot girlfriends, zamboni)

Taste so good make a grown man cry

I’m an enchanting, genial, dexterous, and wily single white male with brown hair and eyes and shoes. I’m 6ft 1 inch tall. I drink and smoke. I’m looking to quit smoking. No criminal record or children (that I am aware of anyway). I am writing a Toccata for the Oud and am designing toile depicting scenes from the life of Scott Stapp, former front man of Creed. My “safe” word is “OUCH!” Yes I’m a worshipper of Bael, as sort of spider-like deity with three heads, a cat head, a frog head, and then the head of a big-nosed guy with pointy ears and a crown (see below). I come from a family and I live in rough and tumble Adams Morgan, amid poets, writers, artists, junkies and NIMBYs. I have a great command of the English language and a large collection of those state quarters. The English language and those state quarters make the World go round. I have a lot to offer in a relationship (see “large collection of state quarters” above). Plus I’m completely trustworthy. I’m too lazy to cheat and a bad liar. A good catch as they say.

I’m looking for a LTR with a woman who lives near me, Adams Morgan, Dupont Circle, Woodley Park, Mt. Pleasant (see “lazy” above). Someone from one of the local neighborhoods. Seeking a woman who thin to average. If you’re into the clubbing scene and hitting the bars than I might be your guy. Age unimportant. Just be nice, funny, thin to average, democrat, middle of the roader, or independents, like clubbing or bars, live near me, attractive, maybe a glasses-girl, I like them, you also come from a family, like cherry pie, eat food I cook, like to do activities, not into boring things, like non sequiturs, like inside naked sports (premarital), maybe shout at TV at times, drunk dial, drunk emails, suntan naked, enjoy small children (since I act like one), stuff like that. Bonus if you’re into guys who a prone to ramble on incoherently.

Did you know that nematodes are the most numerous multicellular animals on earth? A handful of soil will contain thousands of them, many of which are parasites of insects, plants or animals.

Looking for Godly Woman Who Believes Sex is a Shameful Act Against God

Not my best effort, been kind of busy and not many inspiring posts lately (that I've come across). I had to use this great photo the Phantom made for me and then today this guy posts looking for a Christian woman to marry or something. The second and third paragraphs just slay me (permalink)...

Single Christian male seeking a good Christian lady who believes sex is a shameful act against God except for making babies. I live alone with a complete collection of Davey and Goliath videos. I attend church on a regular basis, but have not met there what I am looking for: a white female virgin for some godly Christian courtship with the intent of marriage and children. So I am trying this over the Internet. I believe a man and a woman should spend time together in prayer, judging the unsaved.

Not interested in Catholics, Presbyterians, Methodists, Episcopalians, Secular Humanists, Vegans, Europeans, or any other such cultists who might introduce me to exotic new ideas that might cause me to question my True Christian Beliefs. I will, however, pray for your quick end and a speedy journey to a very hot place, where you will be spending all eternity wishing you were playing Stud Poker with Jesus and the Apostles rather than roasting in a literal lake of fire, Amen.

He gets letters:

"I hope you're joking! You are not a true Christian at all if you are A. Sitting around judging people & B. Wishing bad things to happen to others ( saved or unsaved). God & Jesus & Christianity is about Love & compassion & helping your fellow humans."

"You aren't very picky are you?"

Virgin looking for virgin or non-virgin who can act normal

Can you either be a virgin or a non-virgin capable of "acting normal?" WTF? (permalink)

Hello, born-again, never married virgin seeks white female virgin for some godly Christian courtship or non-virgin who can act normal and is ready to re-commit her life to the baby Jesus, lord praise His name.. Not interested in Catholics, Presbyterians, Methodists, Episcopalians, Secular Humanists, Vegans, Europeans, or any other such cultists who might introduce me to exotic new ideas that might cause me to question my True Christian beliefs. I will, however, pray for your quick end and a speedy journey to a very hot place, where you will be spending all eternity wishing you were with God’s favorite people rather than having demons rip the flesh from your body, Amen.

Must be height and weight proportionate, into sunsets, walks on the beach, intelligent design, intolerance, Christian worship and fellowship, the book of Leviticus, crusading for Jesus, and judging the unsaved. Please no hang-ups or extra baggage.

He gets letters:

"good fucking luck u idiot....so when did christian beliefs have to do with weight walks on the beach....u sound like a wanna be born again....but NOT"

"Thank the lord, christ our savior! I never thought I would find someone like myself in this den of sin. It's so refreshing to find someone else who is saving themselves for the lord. I've never even been to Europe (too much, sex, drugs, muslims, and unshaved armpits). I think Europeans pretty much sealed their fate by becoming such secular societies, especially that France, and for way too much questioning (why would anyone even WANT to question faith or God?). How are you enjoying eternal damnation Martin Luther? And who do those vegans think they are anyway forsaking god's grace by not eating the animals he has so wisely and generously provided. They will truly know God's fury. I pray they all will see the error of their heathen, questioning, veggie eating ways and accept redemption. I pray for all those lost souls to one day step into the light and know Jesus' love and God's mercy. And lastly I pray that Florida beats GMU. Amen"

Seeking Christian Lady who looks at sex as a shameful act against God

Its amazing sometimes where inspiration comes from. Usually it is an extraordinarily bad craigslist M4W poster. Sometimes there are so many of those it is hard to pick one over another. Occasionally they are these wonderful intolerant christian-types that oddly enough are looking on craigslist for their virgin bride. Virgin bride in DC? Hah. Anyway, this post takes inspiration from a female poster today (permalink), seeking a Christian man who sees sex as procreation and means that "no tongues, fingers, thumbs, or any other kind of painful demented sex toy you can think of" can go near her mouth, butt, or other such places. I hope she's a fake poster...

Pics: You get just one this time. It is me with the Redeemer. You can bask in our collective brilliance while I am at work and you are at home, chained to my stove making me a pot roast for dinner.

I believe that the penis belongs in the vagina. Period. I understand that spilling my man-seed in mouths and the buttocks and various sex toys or all over your face or the small of your back is a sin against god (Genesis 38:9 people). Sex is a shameful act against God unless it's for making babies.

YOU: Not a gold-digger. You should revere my man-seed for its one true purpose: baby-making. Must be height and weight proportionate, into sunsets, walks on the beach, intelligent design, intolerance, Christian worship and fellowship, the book of Leviticus, crusading for Jesus, and judging the unsaved. Please no hang-ups or extra baggage.

Psychology note: I am sane and so should you be. I'm a first born and I'm always right. You'll be right too, but only if you agree with me. I like younger girls since they are not completely set in their ways, easier to mold, and with a little corporal discipline will come around to seeing things my way.

Not interested in Catholics, Presbyterians, Methodists, Episcopalians, Secular Humanists, Vegans, Europeans, or any other such cultists who might introduce me to exotic new ideas that might cause me to question my True Christian Beliefs. I will, however, pray for your quick end and a speedy journey to a very hot place, where you will be spending all eternity wishing you were with God’s favorite people rather than roasting in a literal lake of fire, Amen.

ME: I'm 6 foot and 170 lbs with brown eyes and hair. Born-again, never married virgin seeking white female virgin for some godly Christian courtship with the intent of marriage and children over the Internet. I'm extremely well educated and looking to: (1) Go to Church; (2) Save the Unsaved; (3) Go to Church.

Final Note: Any e-mails received with “Jezebel-sounding names,” like A.J. Wick, Rubber Susie, Goddess of Domesticity, Kelvin Pinney, or other made-up sounding names will be, un-opened. I'm not dumb. 

Intelligently designed for a special godly virgin

Jeebus seems to be calling me to blaspheme again...

Born-again, never married virgin seeks white female virgin for some godly Christian courtship. Not interested in Catholics, Presbyterians, Methodists, Episcopalians, Secular Humanists, Vegans, Europeans, or any other such cultists who might introduce me to exotic new ideas that might cause me to question my True Christian Beliefs. I will, however, pray for your quick end and a speedy journey to a very hot place, where you will be spending all eternity wishing you were with God’s favorite people rather than roasting in a literal lake of fire, Amen.

Must be height and weight proportionate, into sunsets, walks on the beach, intelligent design, intolerance, Christian worship and fellowship, the book of Leviticus, crusading for Jesus, and judging the unsaved. Please no hang-ups or extra baggage.



He gets letters:

"You sounded perfect in your post, but I'm concerned with your picture of tinky winky on the shoulder of JESUS. Is he a veiled reference to your tolerence of homosexuals?"

I'm intelligently designed by the sweet baby Jesus

Heh.

Born-again, never married virgin seeks white female virgin for some godly Christian courtship. Not interested in Catholics, Presbyterians, Mormons, Methodists, Unitarians, Episcopalians, Christian Scientists, Vegans, Wiccans, Foreigners or anyone else that might introduce me to exotic new ideas that might cause me to question my True Christian beliefs. I will, however, pray for your quick end and a speedy journey to a very hot place, where you will be makin' s'mores with Satan. And they won't even taste good. Amen.

Must be height and weight proportionate, into sunsets, walks on the beach, George W. Bush, Christian worship and fellowship, the book of Leviticus, protesting secular humanism, and judging the unsaved. Please no hang-ups or extra baggage.



He gets letters:

"Your CL posting can't be serious!?"

Godly guy seeks virgin for some courtin' - no Mary-worshippers

I had no excuse for this one, except they're fun. And I haven't done one in a long time. And I'm hoping for more email suggesting that I need a good dunking.

Born-again, never married virgin seeks white female virgin for some godly Christian courtship. Not interested in Catholics, Presbyterians, Mormons, Methodists, Unitarians, Episcopalians, Christian Scientists, Vegans, or anyone else that might introduce me to exotic new ideas that might cause me to question my True Christian beliefs. I will, however, pray for your quick end and a speedy journey to a very hot place, where you will be spending all eternity wishing you were with God’s favorite people rather than roasting in a literal lake of fire, Amen.

Must be height and weight proportionate, into sunsets, walks on the beach, intelligent design, intolerance, Christian worship and fellowship, the book of Leviticus, protesting secular humanism, and judging the unsaved. Please no hang-ups or extra baggage.

Hot True Christian Romance

Because he did. And becuase I am bitter I guess...

Born-again, never married virgin seeks white female virgin for some godly Christian fellowship and Aryan baby-making. Not interested in Catholics, Presbyterians, Mormons, Methodists, Unitarians, Episcopalians, Christian Scientists, Vegans, or anyone else that might introduce me to exotic new ideas that might cause me to question my True Christian beliefs. I will, however, pray for your quick end and a speedy journey to a very hot place, where you will be spending all eternity honoring our Lord and Maker in a literal lake of fire, Amen.

Must be height and weight proportionate, into candlelight dinners, intelligent design, intolerance, gunning down baby killers, the book of Leviticus, protesting secular humanism, and judging the unsaved. Please no hang-ups or extra baggage.

Any hot virgins for godly Christian fellowship?

Because I can. And because he did.

Saved, fundamentalist Baptist, never married, virgin seeks white female virgin for some godly Christian fellowship and Aryan baby-making. Must be into long walks on the beach, intelligent design, intolerance, the book of Leviticus, good old-fashioned Christian worship, and judging the unsaved. Please no hang-ups or extra baggage.

Catholics, Presbyterians, Mormons, Methodists, Unitarians, Episcopalians, Christian Scientists or any other such occultists unwelcome. Sorry, I don’t intend to know people who will be roasting on a spit above Satan’s hot coals for eternity.

Saved guy seeks lily white virgin for godly fun

Well, it pissed them off on CL so much the last time, lets see if it will again.

Bible believing, saved, fundamentalist Baptist fella seeks lily white virgin for serious courtshipping. Must be into long walks on the beach, intelligent design, tithing, the book of Leviticus, good old-fashioned Christian worship and fellowship, and judging the unsaved.

Catholics, Presbyterians, Mormons, Methodists, Unitarians, Episcopalians, or any other such occultists unwelcome.



He gets letters:

"The addition of Barney is perfect. And "judging the unsaved"...LOL! Thanks for my laugh of the day!"

"There is a contradiction in your posting. You dn't want Presbyterians. Mr. Rodgers was a Presbyterian minister. You shouldn't make like of salvation. It's obvious you think Christians are a joke. Either way, as blasthamist as you are being, I'll pray for you tonight. I really feel sorry for you. God will forgive you if you so ask. If you are serious about being a Baptist, you should rethink your posting."

Flame Warz!

Yesterday's post (see below) started a small flame war on CL M4W. First I was accused of being vile vermin. Then a racist. I mean proclaiming your need for some hot Aryan love isn't PC but it certainly also isn't racist. Still, I love these folks. Even my Mary-worhipping friends. My part in the minor kerfuffle...

I'm still lookin'. I mean, the number of hell-bound heathens on CL claiming to believe in Jesus are legion. They go by names like Mormons, Jehovah’s Witnesses, Moonies, Branch Davidians, and Catholics. No matter the name, they will roast on a spit above Satan’s hot coals for eternity while me and my beloved Christian sweetie sip grape juice with Jesus in Heaven. So please, no drunkin' Mary-worshippers.

Godly white virgin seeks like female

Virgins!

White male Christian, never married, virgin seeks white female virgin for some godly Christian fellowship and Aryan baby-making. Must enjoy walks on the beach, candlelight dinners, guns, grassroots promotion of the Unborn Child Pain Awareness Act, Bible reading, celebrating the One True Word of Jesus, saving neighbors, George W. Bush, and have no hang ups.



He gets letters:

"Do you like anal sex?"

"Aryan baby making?! You. Are. Vile. I hope there's a special hell for vermin like you. Last time I checked, other than that whole 'No one comes to the Father but by me.' thing Jesus said, God wasn't exclusive. Again I'll say it, because it bares repeating: You. Are. Vile.

Kamehameha I looking for his Ka'ahumanu

When Harry me Sally...

I'm looking for my Ka'ahumanu. Great things came out of Ka'ahumanu, like Liholiho, who served as Kamehameha II.

Me: 35 year old, white male, 6'1", 170lbs kinda squishy.

You: I'm not going to limit what Akua delivers.