You Think You Got It Goin' Like A Turbo 'Vette?

Sometimes you just have to brag yourself up to get attention...

To all the people that "THINK" they got it goin’ like a turbo ‘vette.....NOT. You really don't. Or at least you don’t got it goin’ like I have it goin’. A little about me... I'm ¼ French (America), ¼ German (America), ¼ Scot (America), and ¼ string cheese. I am highly cultured and knowledgeable about when it is proper to sit and when it is proper to stand. I know about the escargot fork. I know about the soup knife. I am adept at juggling multiple priorities. I keep up on fashion, politics, and hairstyles. I can create life-preserving devices out of duct tape, paper clips, and rubber bands. Crowds often gather around me when I walk around DC and ask me for advice on a variety of topics, most related to lovemaking, of which I am an expert. I am bigger than a bread box, smaller than a refrigerator, yet vaster than life itself. I can pinpoint my exact spot in the universe. I am grounded yet the laws of gravity don’t apply to me. I can see through your clothes and I like what I see. Men want to be me, their women want to be with me, and evildoers fear me. I can do the frug. I can do the Robocop. I can do the Smurf. I cannot, however, do the YMCA. I have personally calculated PI out to 7 decimal points. When I walk into a crowded room I am me with spontaneous applause. I can channel Elvis. I got it goin’ like a turbo ‘vette.

FORMER ART HISTORIAN LOOKING TO HAVE FUN WITH BITCHES

A friend sent along a post from a former Marine that I has apparently been retired by the craigslist community for good reason. Nobody should be comparing their body parts to bottles of Gatorade® that measure less than 64 oz. (permalink)...

What's up bitches?!!! A friend of met some hot bitches on here so I'm giving it a shot. I'm 6 foot 1, 170 pounds, in ok shape, like stacking cheese, bling bling, and of course, bitches. Note the size of my foot compared to a 64 oz bottle of Gatorade® Berry Rain. You can only imagine the size of my shoes!!

He gets letters:

"You crack me up. I loved the Valentines Bitches title. I'm too old, so please don't torment me with a picture of your other foot, but I am curious about how many responses you get. Hard to believe you're still available."

"YOU ARE SO FUNNY What a "sexy sock" you have! LOL (Just please don't call me "Bitch" OK?) As I was very married when I had my only child, 23 years ago!!!(AND REALLY most chicks don't like being called THAT name, OK?)SO.................that being said, I am a cute/pretty in my own way, 51 year old DWPF. I am a Fine Artist as well! And a published poet! I own my own Condo in Reston VA and have one "roomie;" my kitty kat, "Osacr!" (Who REALLY owns it!) Rotten boy that he is! My only child, is a man,now and serving in the US of A Navy! He is very smart,and very handsome! He is now stationed in CA,and I hope he gets to Hollywood sometime to Act! (He is way cute!)Well, I NEED me a "Muse!" Could you be mine??????"

END YOUR SEARCH TODAY! Superhomme D’Amour for Triple-X Throwdowns!

I think I am way more superhero than this joker. And not as long-winded either (permalink).


Me? Superhomme D’Amour

My fiction is your reality.
I consistently laugh at danger. HA! HAHA! HA! Consistency is important.
I perform great feats of manly strength on a daily basis.
I build things from IKEA without looking at the instructions.
I do not do the “bend-over boyfriend” thing.
I like to Triple-X throwdown whether or not baby got back
I show a person that I am interested by grunting and grabbing my crotch.
I see things you mortals cannot fathom.
I’ve been to France.
I appreciate fine dining. I ate most of my FRIDAY'S® THREE-FOR-ALL last night.
I make love like a bonobo.
I dance like a white guy.
I can see through your clothes and I like what I see.
I know your face is “up here,” it’s just that I’d prefer to talk to your breasts.
I want to bathe you and wash your hair.
I want to brush your teeth.
I want scrape your tongue with your tongue scraper.
I want you and I to exist as one. Perhaps we can be sewn together
I am like no other. I am a Superhomme D’Amour.

When we meet it is like you cannot keep your hands off of me. I don’t mind. You mention that we should move the party over to my place where you perform an exotic strip-tease that ends with me applauding and stuffing dollar bills into your g-string. I then make passionate love to you using the 5 or 6 techniques that I learned on the internet and that I’ve been practicing solo while viewing “barely legal” porn. Having satisfied you like no other man has before, you fall asleep all sweaty and exhausted. Maybe even a little sore. In the morning I buy you pancakes. I am a Gemini and love to receive oral sex while I’m watching sporting events. Can I rest my beer on your head?

I hope to hear from you if you are interested in getting to know each other.

Please reply with your photo. : )

He gets letters:

"Just wanted to say I have enjoyed reading your m4w posts. They are notthe usual and have made me smile. I can appreciate that in a cold, dankwinter. Best of luck in your search. Besitos!"

Attractive, athletic SWM seeks Sexy younger lady with awesome buttocks

Ick. This guy wants you to be as old as his mom and for both of you to find the worship of your older mom boobs kinky. Ick. (permalink).

Hello, How are you ? Thanks for reading.

I'm looking for a sexy younger lady with nice firm buttocks. I love to watch as you bend over in a short skirt and ogle your young firm buttocks snuggled in silky underpants. I draw down your silky underpants with my hands or teeth or feet or something. Your buttocks are firm as I grasp them in my manly man-hands. I knead your buttocks. Look at me, I’m making bread! I then slap your buttocks as I wound a pair of bongos. I’m playing “Black Magic Woman” by Carlos Santana on your young firm buttocks! You love your buttocks to be kneaded and played like bongos. You may be young and that my playing your buttocks like bongos turns you on in a kinky way. You can't wait to get undressed in front of me to show me your young firm buttocks
You have fantasies about letting me knead and slap your buttocks. I am an attractive, 6'tall SWM in Adams Morgan.

Helpful questionnaire to forward to me pertaining your young firm buttocks and my possibly kneading and playing your young firm buttocks like a bongo…

Hi! I have
young firm buttocksolder firm buttocksnot so firm buttockssaggy buttocks

I would like you to
ogle my buttocksplay my buttocks like a bongowho is Carlos Santana?knead my buttocks like you were making breaddo all of the abovesex instead of kneading and bongoing

and I want to meet you
at my placeat your place

So that you can
ogle my buttocksplay my buttocks like a bongoagain, who is Carlos Santana?knead my buttocks like you were making breaddo all of the abovesex instead of kneading and bongoing

And of course you have to copy and paste this into your email.

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet

Res Ipsa Loquitor indeed (permalink). Will the ladies dig lorem ipsum?

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit. Sed fermentum feugiat enim. Vestibulum tristique, ligula vel molestie tempus, sem neque consequat elit, sed faucibus quam purus sit amet quam. Mauris volutpat congue ante. Nulla nulla. Cum sociis natoque penatibus et magnis dis parturient montes, nascetur ridiculus mus. Maecenas non enim nec velit vestibulum semper. Etiam viverra lacinia turpis. Nulla sagittis interdum risus. Curabitur iaculis augue ultricies ligula. Nullam convallis erat id nisl. Donec vitae enim. Praesent vel massa. Aenean ullamcorper. Vestibulum sollicitudin. Nulla facilisi. Nam cursus enim faucibus libero. Nullam consectetuer ultrices libero.

Quisque purus. In ut ante. Integer suscipit pede eget felis. Ut eros nisi, tristique sit amet, vestibulum a, tempus ac, tellus. Praesent magna. Donec quis eros at orci consequat vestibulum. Nam vestibulum commodo dui. Aliquam ac metus at ligula porttitor commodo. Nullam sed odio. Nunc mi lectus, vehicula et, scelerisque in, volutpat ac, lacus. In congue nisl. Aenean a nisi. Phasellus commodo nulla sed turpis. Sed sodales tellus vel risus suscipit sollicitudin.

Cras sapien ante, feugiat elementum, sagittis eget, bibendum sed, elit. Nullam sollicitudin massa quis velit. Nunc placerat. Donec blandit gravida tellus. Nunc dignissim rhoncus neque. Maecenas in orci et metus sollicitudin pretium. Vivamus arcu nisl, porta eget, posuere at, aliquam aliquam, massa. Vestibulum nunc nunc, feugiat ut, mattis id, auctor sed, neque. Etiam scelerisque orci at libero. Curabitur nisl urna, lacinia eu, congue id, accumsan sit amet, nibh. Aenean commodo ornare turpis!!!!!!

Dinner on me?

Dinner on me! (permalink).

I made a very nice chunk of change this morning selling egg cartons decorated with glitter and various colored pipe cleaners on eBay (I make them at home in the evening). I'm looking to celebrate my newly-earned fortune with someone special by treating some lucky lady to drinks and a spaghetti dinner at some point in the not-too-distant future or you can come over to my house and watch a DVD and I’ll make you a spaghetti dinner.

I'm 6’0”, 170 lbs, and I like to think that with me there is possibly no room for improvement...You will probably have a hard time keeping your hands to yourself even without alcohol. Don’t worry, I won’t play too hard to get. I’ll even respect you afterward.

All I ask is that you be super hot, respond with a pic, and be ready to have sex with me. Like I said, don’t worry, I won’t play too hard to get. I’ll even respect you afterward.

I'm choosing who I'm treating, and no, I am not 2.

Have I made it??

Yes. You sir have made it alright (permalink).

I went out last night, only to be confronted by very angry women, who were probably on their period or lesbians or feminists or something.....I'm a human being after all....we make mistakes......why can't people realize that? It's not like I seek out opportunities to hurt other people's feelings.

Anyway, I also went out to celebrate my new pay raise. I'm making like 7 figures (at least if you count the figures after the decimal point)....... a year. I'm the first person in my family to obtain a Masters Degree though my dad has an MD and my uncle has an honorary Ph.D. from his alma mater though his alma mater doesn't have an accredited graduate program (go figure), but it is a true statement that I'm the first person in my family to have a Master's Degree but those are frankly a dime a dozen in this town, but am I happy?....Umm....anyway, I'm talking to these angry man hating lesbian feminists who were out at the bar last night and were all extra mad and crampy because of their periods and I mention my seven figure salary and the fact that I'm totally highly educated and that I have a nice car and stuff and that I think that those jeans that they're wearing make their butts look big (all of their butts, mind you) and they cop attitude. What gives?

Anyway.... I'm not going out on the town anymore..... Only place I'll be going is around the town. Time to get in shape.... for a battle..... against militant crampy lesbian man-hating feminists.

TTFN

Let you help me out

Request from a friend. Sorry I'm not posting the original. I think mine is better anyway.

So, you don't know what to say? Let me help you out:

Hi! I am a ChickBitchhorney Bitchjankety Hobarely legal Seeking Mr. BananaHammockMy bling blingMy stacked cheeseMy patented sex movesMy autograph on your breasts

and I want to meet you for sexfor sexfor sexfor sexfor sexfor sexfor sex

at your Adams Morgan CompoundSomeplace public creepy manmy place, I have a sex swing!a bathroom in a bar(behind) dumpster in an alleya secluded spot in Rock Creek Park

So we can have FunsexsexsexsexsexsexAll of Above

So, I'll want to email firstChat onlineTrade naked picturesTalk dirty on phoneGrab a drinkGet a restraining orderAll of Above

OK, got it? Now, since you can't hit "Submit", you have to copy and paste this into your email. (can you handle that?).

The way I see things....

Sometimes a fella has to brag himself up a bit...

I am fully conversant on stuff and things and can talk about either without hesitation. Strangers compliment my hair style regularly. Crowds gather to watch me parallel park and erupt in spontaneous applause at my efforts. I’m generally gracious and hand out as many autographs as are requested. I have a large collection of barely legal porn because it was once said that before you can love another you have to be able to love yourself. I routinely perform ritual male tests of strength including changing the empty water bottle on the water cooler and lifting full boxes of paper over my head. But I’m also sensitive. Watching “She’s Having a Baby” has been known to make me weepy. Squirrels and birds alight on my outstretched arms when I walk through Rock Creek Park. Men want to be me. Women want to be with me. Evildoers fear me. I have been known to eat an entire sandwich in only one sitting. I am bilingual. I speak both standard English and Michigan-English: “You guys wanna go to Winzerr and catch’da Canadian ballay?” – “Would you like to go to a strip club in Windsor?” I know several traditional wedding dances, including the Electric Slide, the Tush Push, and the YMCA. Tourists frequently ask me for directions, trusting me with their very lives.

A great man, me, once said all slurry: “They put tha panties in the glove box and make lotsa money.” I was drunk. I couldn’t remember the joke, but I think that might have been the punch-line. Done with the head games, lies, and childish deception.

Hi Sexy! I want to get Sexy with you!

Sexy! (permalink!)

Hi Sexy!

I've heard Craigslist is a pretty good way to meet sexamalicious ladies for a sexy time. I'm looking for some super-sexy good times, but nothing dangerous or unsafe, just sexiness. No Chlamydia or stuff like that, just your sexiness and my sexiness getting all sexy and stuff safely and without harm.

I'm a sexy SWM, let me know if you are interested, I have sexy pictures of myself to exchange like the one down below. Stay sexy!

Ladies Beware of Mr. BananaHammock

Someone was warning earlier on craigslist of a new scam from Nigeria: The Nigerian Gentleman Scam. He's not really a gentleman, but he lulls you into a stupor with his sexy Nigerian accent and then juggles you with about 4 other women. Unfortunately I couldn't get the post before it disappeared...

This guy comes off a cocksure expert of man on woman sensuality who is totally against monogamy. His first conversation normally starts with him telling you how he drinks only Goldschlager® in order to enhance his inner “bling.” He’ll also mention his big rotating bed and the mirrors on the ceiling of his bedroom. He states he only eats endangered animals. He’ll offer to sign your breasts with his “Mr. Sharpie.” Low and behold this is how he reels you in.

He is a pathological liar! For instance, beaver is NOT endangered!

He only knows 5 sex moves which he learned about on the internet. He’s a serial monogamist. Watch out for this smooth talking Michigander.

LOOKING TO PERFORM FOR A WOMAN

LOOKING TO PERFORM FOR A WOMAN (PERMALINK).

Would love to put on a performance for any women interested in just being an observer...I’m getting blown by the wind...I’m trapped in a box...I’m climbing a rope...touching encouraged.

Eproctophiliac Seeks Taco Bell Date

Another Fetish Guy (permalink).

Do you like eating lots of refried beans and have someone smell you farts? Do you have trouble finding guys that will tolerate your flatulance? Well, I'm all about your sweet, sweet butt gasses. YOUR farts. Let me breathe them in deeply, let me savor them like the bouquet of a fine wine. Either way, I will help you enjoy yourself to your hearts content.

No reciprocity is seeked. No other sexual contact wanted. (Maybe some kissing is okay, but up to you.) Let me feast upon your gassy boutiforous emanations.

I'm a 37 year old, clean professional white male. You should be clean, classy, and highly gassy. Marital status, race, age are all unimportant to me.

Write me soon! Serious people only please. No Beano. No freaks.

NO HATERS!!!

That's just how I roll...

Love Me Tender

Collaboration with the Phantom of the Bordello. Enjoy.

Snarling, snappish SWcircumcisedM (slightly over-exposed) internet porn star seeks malleable princess of the roadway for purely long-term relationship with the potential of planting my seed as I’ll need someone to mooch off of in my decrepitude. Must be clean, shorn, fit, charismatic, and photogenic. You should love watching movies, hiking, sleeping, traveling, Starbucks, and posing naked for extended periods of time. You’ll want to accompany me to the Hwy 127 Corridor Sale on route to Graceland for the Elvis Impersonation Contest in August.

I'm fun, outgoing, vulnerable, but dog-gone it, people like me. You might call me "special"! but not in the “I ride the short bus” sort of way. Don't get me wrong - I am not looking for ewe to be a sugar mama, I can pay my own way unless you insist on it being otherwise. Please don't be married, currently involved, or have your own self-worshiping website, but if you do, at least have the decency and dignity to lie your ass off about it.

For approval, please submit: query letter, resume, dental records, driving record, court transcripts, TB test and vaccination records (including Footrot, Coccidiosis, Urinary Calcali, Bacterial meningitis, distemper, and kennel cough), W-4s for the past 5 years, ticket stub from at least one play, gallery exhibit, or county fair attended in the past 6 months, 4H awards, and completed Cosmo, Vanity Fair, and Suffolk Daily quizzes, and be prepared to operate heavy "equipment."

Your pic will get you 320,983 of mine.

Snippets of a Relationship - 2.0

Retread and Update...

Driving day-trips down leaf-covered country roads, me driving and singing along off-key, at the top of my voice to Belle and Sebastian, Rilo Kiley, and Neko Case. You laughing at me, hair in the wind, bare feet up on the dash. Me screaming at you, “Get your fucking feet off my dash. The upholstery is light beige you know…”

Me, “No, we’re not lost. And no, I’m not stopping at that gas station for directions.” You, arms crossed and scowling…

You, “Why do have to be so passive aggressive?” Me, later, cleaning the toilet with your toothbrush…

You, “Let’s go see Dream Girls tonight.” Me, “You’re joking, right? Right? Right?”…

Us having sex. Me behind. You, “Ow! Watch it. I told you no anal.” Me, lying, “Sorry. It was an accident…”

Again, us having sex. Me behind. Me, “Boy, that is one big pimple. Does it hurt?” Me, poking at it with my index finger.

You, getting dressed. Me. Groping your breasts. You, putting on your make-up. Me, groping your breasts. You, driving. Me groping your breasts. You, watching The Office. Me, groping your breasts…

Me, “Ever seen a one-eared elephant?” You, “No.” Me, turning the pocket of my jeans inside out while my penis is hanging out of the fly. Your mother not looking very amused…

Breakfast before work. You complaining about something work related and seeking comfort. Me providing constructive advice. You getting angry. Me saying “What?”…

Reading to/doing crossword puzzles with each other in bed. I fart and pull the covers over your head, trapping you underneath. Me laughing. You really pissed off…

You, “The computer is crashing again. Were you looking at porn?” Me, again lying, “It’s not me. It’s that damn Microsoft. Let’s get a Mac…”

Me, “Wanna have sex?” You, “I’ve got my period.” Me, “How about a blow job then?”…

Cooking together, me telling you to get out of my kitchen, you’re not doing it right, you sulking and watching the TV, trying not to cry...

Shopping together, you trying on 14,000 different pairs of jeans, me holding your purse getting really fed up, wishing I was anywhere but here, but preferably watching a football game...

If my idea of a great relationship can be condensed into a series of non sequiturs, these would be some of the images you might see. I’m 6’ and 172 and pure fun. I’d prefer a woman with her head screwed on straight, but never having actually met one, I’m not too picky in that department.

He gets letters:

"that is one of the most interesting ads ever. Well, not all of it -the part where you are cleaning the toilet with the toothbrush sounds really really scary eeew eeww!"

"your ad made me simultaneously want to kiss you and throttle you. i hope its the former and not the latter though. drinks, hookah, soup?"

How do this sound foxy womans............

So much wrong with ad. Olive Garden! (permalink).


Saturday evening go out to T.G.I. Friday's® to have POTATO SKINNY DIPPERS or FRIDAY’S® TOSTADO NACHOS and some good fun!! Then go to nice club for to dance!! I’m good dance. Come on I know it foxy womans on here!! We party good!!