The only man in DC who cares only about sex

This self-proclaimed king of smartiosity attempts a humorous ad but it comes off a bit obnoxious. I've always found the self-deprecating humor works better in these situations. Otherwise you come off sounding like someone aspiring to alpha-male status (permalink). If the topic touches the nerve of a particular reader, well then, don't read me.


It seems that approximately 99% of the people on here use some sort of variation on that tired cliché "I'm looking for someone who likes me for me. Someone I can love who will love me back. I just want to be held." Stuff like that. Well, I suppose I'm looking for the same, only when I’m talking about like and love and holding, they’re just basically euphemisms for s-e-x. In short, I need someone who can keep up with me horizontally (or vertically or otherwise). Go ahead and send me hate mail for the following statement, calling me a lout, a pervert, “sex positive” and insensitive throw-back to an earlier era; and then praise the men of today as “in touch” with their “feminine side” and that is how you like your men; if you can't deal with honesty, that's your hang-up, not mine: I'm “sex positive.” I'm really, really really “sex positive” and I am more than just talking about being “sex positive.” I actually like doin’ it. I spend most of my day, each and every day, downloading barely legal porn. And masturbating. And it's exhausting. Truly exhausting. I'm on here, hoping that I can find a woman, a woman with a vagina, who wants me to stick my penis in her vagina and vice versa. Not that she would stick her penis in my vagina, but that she would want me to stick my penis in her vagina. You get the drift.

Okay, with that being said ... hi, hello, greetings and/or salutations, my name is Mr. BananaHammock. It is not a pseudonym, it’s my actual name. I am 38 years and change. I live in Adams Morgan. I'm your typical patent boutique law firm marketing manager who put himself through grad school by taking out a lot of personal loans. My parents actually paid them off so I guess that the statement “I put myself through grad school” is not entirely correct. I'm a bibliophile with a slight astigmatism in my left eye I think (I don’t have to wear glasses but started because I used to check out hotties in the distance walking up the street and as I approached they weren’t as hot as they seemed when they were blurry, sigh). Let's see, I'm not in therapy but probably should be. I seem to attract damaged women and rebound women and these relationships always seem to end weirdly. I read voraciously, sloth obsessively and I'm definitely outdoorsy he-man type. See below my deer hunting picture in full flannel.

My Ideal Person: Is “sex positive” in the sense that they like to act on that urge rather than talk about how “sex positive” they are. Also, my ideal person has a vagina. I like vaginas. I could never get tired of looking at vaginas. Maybe I should’ve been a gynecologist rather than a patent boutique firm marketing manager? That being said ... please be very well educated, be reasonably fit and attractive, and you must have an extremely dark sense of humor.

No relationship rebounders, crazies, commitment-phobes or psychos. I am no longer psycho-friendly.

He gets letters:

"Yes! You're back. We missed you on CL."

"Please, pleeeease do this guy. I think we chatted once or twice on salon.com personals before so I feel like I almost know you and can ask you this. "

I'd like to soil you. Or me. I can never get this one straight...

Im a 37 SWM, happy, snappy, not (sometimes) nappy but crappy, and oops, kind of sappy. I'm easy on the eyes, legs, and shoulders. It'll be easy going down on me, looking for friendship and romance is good, but I like a pulse. I wanna to soil you and you'll get the same in return!

I have lots of pictures to exchange...

Single man seeking woman to practice his coitus skills on

Partially inspired by a weird post I think was flagged and removed, the gentleman was looking for a surrogate to have his baby but his wife wasn't too happy about the whole thing or something.

Hi

I once read somewhere that before you can love another you have to learn to love yourself. With the aid of internet porn, that is exactly what I have been doing. I think I have finally learned to love myself correctly and am now ready to practice that love on another woman.

A little about me: 37 yrs old, 6’0” and about 172 lbs. I come from the Midwest. I speak two languages fluently, English and Michigander English. I also know some French, German, and Italian. I am quite skilled at cooking, watching television, crossword puzzling, and napping. I am also well practiced in loving myself with the aid of “barely legal” internet porn.

About you? I’m not sure. I figure someone around my age would be appropriate, but since I have be practicing my love on the imaginary barely legal variety of female I’m not sure if there are physiological differences between 30 yr old women and 18 yr old women that would confuse me and interfere with my ability to practice my coitus skills on you. I trust you to know better than I do, being a woman and all. You, not me, right? Anyway, I guess you should be nice to look at. Also, you should probably know what coitus is so that you can coach me if I’ve got my knee somewhere it isn’t supposed to be or my hand accidentally ends up in the wrong place, etc. I mean, I don’t want to end up sticking my penis in your belly button and I’m thinking we’re having unsafe sex that would result in pregnancy. That would freak me out!

PLZ! only attractive WHITE females that are able/willing to allow me to practice my coitus skills on.....

Thx for your time

Let you help me out

Request from a friend. Sorry I'm not posting the original. I think mine is better anyway.

So, you don't know what to say? Let me help you out:

Hi! I am a ChickBitchhorney Bitchjankety Hobarely legal Seeking Mr. BananaHammockMy bling blingMy stacked cheeseMy patented sex movesMy autograph on your breasts

and I want to meet you for sexfor sexfor sexfor sexfor sexfor sexfor sex

at your Adams Morgan CompoundSomeplace public creepy manmy place, I have a sex swing!a bathroom in a bar(behind) dumpster in an alleya secluded spot in Rock Creek Park

So we can have FunsexsexsexsexsexsexAll of Above

So, I'll want to email firstChat onlineTrade naked picturesTalk dirty on phoneGrab a drinkGet a restraining orderAll of Above

OK, got it? Now, since you can't hit "Submit", you have to copy and paste this into your email. (can you handle that?).

Sugary Sugar Daddy seeks young and hot female

Dumbass new sugar daddy on the block horning in on my young, hot and sassy action (permalink). At this rate I'm never going to get enough ladies together to turn out to make serious cash. Who'll be crowned pimp of the year? Not me, I suppose. Drat.

I am a successful 4Ever Fit Isolate Gainer 2000 model (before picture) who is a little soft and has bony "girl arms." I've been described by my mommy as sexy, handsome, fraught with comeliness, toothsome, and American, but exotically so. I am looking for a no strings friendship, mutual beneficial relationship.

I seek someone in the 18-20 range, thin/athletic, classy, mature and affectionate. No fat ankles or saying "no" or "maybe."

Please send a picture and state the type of relationship you desire.

I am sure your needs are getting greater since the summer is coming (and hopefully I will soon be too)!!!

Emotionally Immature Older Guy for Younger Girl

Just a general shout-out to all those older guys looking for jailbait.

Hi:

I am a highly successful, educated 36 yr old swm, who is seeking a younger woman who would enjoy spending the day hanging out at the mall or drinking in a bar. I lead a very active, fun and somewhat laid back life and have realized that while I might be twice your age, my EQ is probably right around the same level of guys that you normally date. If you’re up for hanging out, let me know. I will only respond back to responses with pics...looking to get my freak on with 18-21 year old, thin, petite blonde.. I hope to hear back from all interested.