The only man in DC who cares only about sex

This self-proclaimed king of smartiosity attempts a humorous ad but it comes off a bit obnoxious. I've always found the self-deprecating humor works better in these situations. Otherwise you come off sounding like someone aspiring to alpha-male status (permalink). If the topic touches the nerve of a particular reader, well then, don't read me.


It seems that approximately 99% of the people on here use some sort of variation on that tired cliché "I'm looking for someone who likes me for me. Someone I can love who will love me back. I just want to be held." Stuff like that. Well, I suppose I'm looking for the same, only when I’m talking about like and love and holding, they’re just basically euphemisms for s-e-x. In short, I need someone who can keep up with me horizontally (or vertically or otherwise). Go ahead and send me hate mail for the following statement, calling me a lout, a pervert, “sex positive” and insensitive throw-back to an earlier era; and then praise the men of today as “in touch” with their “feminine side” and that is how you like your men; if you can't deal with honesty, that's your hang-up, not mine: I'm “sex positive.” I'm really, really really “sex positive” and I am more than just talking about being “sex positive.” I actually like doin’ it. I spend most of my day, each and every day, downloading barely legal porn. And masturbating. And it's exhausting. Truly exhausting. I'm on here, hoping that I can find a woman, a woman with a vagina, who wants me to stick my penis in her vagina and vice versa. Not that she would stick her penis in my vagina, but that she would want me to stick my penis in her vagina. You get the drift.

Okay, with that being said ... hi, hello, greetings and/or salutations, my name is Mr. BananaHammock. It is not a pseudonym, it’s my actual name. I am 38 years and change. I live in Adams Morgan. I'm your typical patent boutique law firm marketing manager who put himself through grad school by taking out a lot of personal loans. My parents actually paid them off so I guess that the statement “I put myself through grad school” is not entirely correct. I'm a bibliophile with a slight astigmatism in my left eye I think (I don’t have to wear glasses but started because I used to check out hotties in the distance walking up the street and as I approached they weren’t as hot as they seemed when they were blurry, sigh). Let's see, I'm not in therapy but probably should be. I seem to attract damaged women and rebound women and these relationships always seem to end weirdly. I read voraciously, sloth obsessively and I'm definitely outdoorsy he-man type. See below my deer hunting picture in full flannel.

My Ideal Person: Is “sex positive” in the sense that they like to act on that urge rather than talk about how “sex positive” they are. Also, my ideal person has a vagina. I like vaginas. I could never get tired of looking at vaginas. Maybe I should’ve been a gynecologist rather than a patent boutique firm marketing manager? That being said ... please be very well educated, be reasonably fit and attractive, and you must have an extremely dark sense of humor.

No relationship rebounders, crazies, commitment-phobes or psychos. I am no longer psycho-friendly.

He gets letters:

"Yes! You're back. We missed you on CL."

"Please, pleeeease do this guy. I think we chatted once or twice on salon.com personals before so I feel like I almost know you and can ask you this. "

Are you a commitment-phobe? A psychotic? A Libra?

No daily Omari, but this Omari-lite was begging for a mocking.

Neurotics build castles in the sky, but psychotics live in them. And psychiatrists collect the rent. If I were a rich man, they’d call me that crazy rich guy, but instead I’ll need to settle for that poor crazy guy. What does this mean? I’m broke.

First off, I think WAY too much. I like to philosophize, like on how many pennies would it take to reach the moon, both end-to-end and stacked like pancakes. I like pancakes. I hate the words topping and any variation of the word moist, including moisture. Plain old wet is fine by me.

I have an active lifestyle, whereby I sometimes shift from one end of the couch to the other while I am watching television. And I like to read, but mostly porn. I am very fond of Penthouse letters and write them often. For example, I never believed these letters until something happened to me. I was in my apartment, watching television, shifting from one end to the other and there’s this knock on my door. My neighbor asks me seductively if she can have “a cup of flour.” I mean we all know what she was really after so I invite her in to my apartment…you get the picture.

I long for a normal, sane woman, but I have never had one interested in me. Generally commitment-phobes are attracted to me. And psychotics. And Libras. All three are great in the sack, so I guess, screw it. I’m game.