Literate seeks Literate for Sensual, Tantric, Oily Massage

Memorial Day combo special. This guy repeatedly posts about wanting to rub women sensually (permalink). This other guy is clearly not 40 (permalink).

I have several choices of oil (lavender, Bergaamot Mint, and Myrtle Lemon), incense that while inspire high levels of eroticity, and Ray Best's “Celestial Touch” CD. I have edible body dusts that I can lick off you wearing my dentures or not. Your choice. I have arousal balms for your nipples and genitals. I have a box of Franzia chilling in the fridge if you desire adult libations. Please be literate, attractive, and thin. I am for real. “Boundaries” is my middle name. Actually it is Matthew but I can bring you high levels of arousal while still respecting any boundaries you might have. Please don't have many boundaries.

I have references you can call. Yes the pic is me. I have others that I can trade. I have one where I am wearing a thong. You must also have pics. I am highly selective with regard to who I choose to rub in an erotic manner. We must also talk on the phone before meeting so I know you aren't a guy. I don't want to rub down a guy. It's against nature.

You decide what you want massaged. Buttocks, Boobs, Genitals, Boobs, Genitals, almost anywhere you like. All you have to do is ask. You can ask for anything. I respect boundaries and I will stop rubbing you somewhere if you don't want me to rub that place. I am very easy to talk to though my hearing is poor.

I am free today until 4:00PM. I don't do this with just anyone. You must be literate, attractive, and thin. If you are married or in a relationship I understand. I can be descrete if you want me to be discrete. “Discrete” is my middle name. Talk to you soon.

Must be literate, attractive and thin.

We can do an early bird dinner after the massage. I'll have you home by 6:00PM.

Mr. BH

My Plans...

For today only: hella cool guy, 34, kicking it old school (permalink)...

Well with everyone I know either visiting their folks, out of town, or out of town visiting their folks, I'm hanging around the house with nothing to do but think about stuff. And what I thought I'd do would be to kick it “70s style.” So, to all you super foxy bunnies...I'm chilln' at the pad and icin' a bottle of Champale, can you dig it?

I know, you want to get down wit da boogie wit me all day and all night cause I have bitchin' threads and I'm one cool cat.

So if you have any hope of having an outta sight time today, you'll send me a e-mail with a pic. No longer jive turkey-friendly.

He gets letters:

"you are cool like dat"

"I love it!!! You seem like a funny ass dude....So whats good w/ the Champale baby? I can dig it!!! LMAO LOL LOL!!!"

My Ideal Woman

His ideal woman encompases about 90% of the female population in DC (permalink). Good luck fella...

I'm not going to waste a lot of time sitting here telling you why I don't really need to post this post. I really don't. I meet plenty of women in real life and I don't really need the help of this craigslist ad to find women. OK, so I basically thought I'd post here with the possibility of meeting the woman I am looking for and hope she is reading craigslist as well.

The person I am looking for:
I prefer women with hair. I have never had a successful relationships with women that don't have hair. Blond, brown, redhead: it doesn't matter. I prefer white women and between 28 and 26. I like teeny/petite women. I like normal-sized women. I like women who work out and have a figure. I prefer women who wear B-cups. My most successful relationships were with B-cups. 34-B's to be precise, but the diameter around your chest shouldn't make any difference. I like smart girls. Smart girls don't like me. I prefer girls named Allison, Sara, or Kirsten. I don't seem to get along with woman with weird, made-up names like Shasta, LaSpecial, or Judy. You should be able to walk AND chew gum. At the same time. I prefer attractive women with nice figures, but they don't seem to like me much either. I also want to find a woman with a hot mother. This tells me a lot about how good they are going to look later on.

About me:
I am from Michigan. Stand about 6'1'', brown hair, brown eyes, 168lbs. Not sure why I came to DC. Very new to the area and never posted on craigslist before. Ever. Never ever. Many of my previous girlfriends said that I made them feel “safe” so I am sure that will scare away most of you women. I am a social guy and will talk to anyone about anything anywhere. I can even be social during sex. I might say, “How 'bout them Redskins!” or “do you think Patrick Swayze was better in Red Dawn or Roadhouse?” Maybe we could discuss whether or not the theoretical questioning of traditional terminological frameworks in deconstructivism are deeply entwined with radical reconfigurations of Western concepts of nature, body, and sex while doin' it. Or I could just grunt and give you my cum-face.

Its unlikely I will find my perfect girl on here but if you fit the bill for the most part I think it's worth a shot.

Pamper me

PAMPERING! (permalink)

This paraphilic infantilist seeks a “mommy” this weekend to nurse me, sing lullabies, and change my wet nappies. Will you draw me a nice warm bubble bath? And when I am ready will you towel me dry and then apply plenty of talc to my heinie?

“Contingency Planning” by Mr. Banana Hammock (not Omari)

Omari and I. Ladies men....(permalink)

Contingency planning is a must for the modern single guy. If you get a girl up to your apartment, you might want her to stay the night. So you can have sex in the evening AND the morning (provided of course you didn't bring her home from the bar really drunk, right? Then there's no morning sex, just the walk of shame). Anyway, planning for these possibilities requires that I keep a lot of things on hand that I don't ordinarily use or need, including more than one bath towel (what guy needs more than one bath towel????), girlie hair conditioner, girlie skin care products, extra toothbrushes, plenty of girlie toilet paper, and various beverages.

Girlie toilet paper? Yes, girlie toilet paper. And plenty of it. I've been in a couple of long term live-in relationships and I've lived by myself for long periods of time. And one thing I know for a fact is that women use gobs of toilet paper. I don't ask. I don't want to know. But I think I can make a roll of toilet paper last a week. Living with a woman, I doubt that roll will live for 2 days before it is gone. I don't get it, but I got plenty of girlie, Angel Soft toilet paper for your sensitive nether-regions. A fine grain sandpaper would be fine with me, but I'm thinkin' of the ladies.

Another thing you need? Lots of extra toothbrushes in different colors (so you can match a lady to each toothbrush and stash the rest when one of the others comes calling). Also you need conditioner. I don't quite get it. I never use the stuff. Um...ok, well I use it sometimes. But your lady is never going to stay the night if she, with her dry and damaged hair, isn't going to be able to condition her hair in the morning.

And then there's her skin. Maybe she comes over and her skin is all dry and full of impurities. Do you think she's going to stay over if you don't have some sort of treatment masque that can recover her youthful appearance? Something that maybe will rejuvenate her skin with alpha and beta hydroxy complex that will lift dead surface cells and complexion dulling impurities?? I think not.

Now for the beverages. Men like me know that girls like to drink girl-drinks. That's why I have a blender, blue curacao, crème de banana, and plenty of ice. So this lady had come over and was (ostensibly) considering spending the night. I knew this woman was fussy about her drinks. Anyway, she asked me if I could give her a “Climax.” I was like, “No problem, babe. I've got crème de banana! I could also make you a “Jamaican Banana” or even a “Yellow Strawberry” if you want. I've even got blue curacao, so if you'd prefer a “Blue Hawaiian” or a “Blue Lime Ghost,” I'm your guy!” She abruptly left. I'm not sure why.

Whether or not you're into girlie toilet paper, toothbrushes, or fancy girl-drinks, if you're a woman somewhere in the mid- to late-20s to mid-thirties, I'd like to hear from you. I like them thin and cute.

I added a photo of me in wearing some toilet paper. I think it makes me look sort of sexy....

Expert Chicken Sexer ready for change: business/life associate sought!

Paging Dr. Crazy...to the ER, STAT...(permalink)

I command that you STOP and take a few seconds to ruminate this missive and cogitate on whether or not YOU know if you have the excellence of character to be a life-associate to this former expert chicken sexer, 2-time winner of the Japanese Chicken Vent Sexing Championship / about to launch into something exceptionally entrepreneurial and fun too...

don't just sit on the sidelines, JUMP right in...

A swm, CAN-DO MAN WITH AN UNCUCKOO PLAN ... RIGHT HERE IN DC...ALSO. Just read on, my bedrock values and BELIEFS involve having fun engaging entrepreneuristically and not only for the revenue, but the fun, as well as the revenue and fun. I am looking for an attractive and thin female, blessed with intelligenceness, and NOT caught by post-natalist encumbrances, who is really ambitious and entrepreneurally inclined, but ambitious for monetary fulfillment and FUN.

I would like to have a business and a romance ASSOCIATE: all wrapped up into one...sort of like sleeping with your cube-mate! :) One thing that chicken sexing has taught me is that the external appearance of baby chickens can fall into as many as 15 basic patterns. Also, that I am serious about entrepreneurship in specialized fields where fun and profit are TANTAMOUNT. I am looking for this special somebody, YES USING CRAIGSLIST, for an associate NON crime NON NON romance... I am entrepreneurial as well as educated in CHICKEN SEXING-SCIENCES...and have previous experience and expertise in entrepreneurismness.

PLEASE be open yourself to the POSSIBILITY of a WIN:WIN situation...DAZZLE me your capacity to be an ASSOCIATE. I thank you for your speedy response to this once-in-a-lifetime offer. Your response should be replete with honesty and detail at great length your reasons for answering and more about yourself. Yes, conversating on truthfulance and honestment IS key and this might indicate where this proceeds OR not.. I am genuinely hoping that Craig sends me someone who is as smart and entrepreneurialistically inclined as I am.

Agnostic GenX Sexilicious Selfish Waspy American “Fucking Liberal”

Thanks, Amanda, to the wonderful heads-up to this joker (permalink) who wants to get deep inside a very special group of ladies.

Agnostic GenX Sexilicious Selfish Waspy American “Fucking Liberal”

6'1" eyes of brown, short brown hair. No beard. Currently smoking.

I prize fairness and accuracy above all. I constantly strive to report life objectively, not as I want it to be; in the manner of a of an investigative reporter, like Greg Palast. I agree with T. D. Allmans's concept of the importance of not only getting the facts right, but also getting the meaning of the events right. I have lived/studied overseas, active in sporting events like beer pong, extreme eating, and bungie motocross. I also like to reenact future events and am writing a novelization of the “Chronicles of Narnia” films which I hope to sell to Double Day or Regnery. I live in a community of poets, artists, drunkards, imbeciles, and NIMBY yuppies.

I want a woman that values truth rather than points of view and “fucking liberals” no matter how fucking liberal they are. I want her to be committed to staying in shape, even if I don't, and is also caring and loving. I want to travel together, to the grocery store, to car dealerships, to the Winter X Games, to France, and new places around the world. I want you to want me inside of you. Deep inside. Very deep. Inside. Of you. Deep. Also a polyamorous relationship would be cool too. I like variety.

No Longer “Psycho-Friendly”

Sometimes my inspiration for these posts comes from life off the internet. Scary thought, huh? I don't want to point fingers or anything, but for those of you very close to me I'll give you all of the juicy details on my sooper secret blog...

This boy would love to find a nice girl who has a positive outlook on life, is smart and snarky, attractive, is a good conversationalist, and who shares similar interests with me. A girl who is maybe into art, but if she isn't, is polite enough to feign interest rather than proclaim the subject “fucking boring” since I spent 6 years of undergrad and graduate work on the subject. A girl who is a liberal, but if not, has the intellectual capacity to defend her point of view rather than relying on such pejoratives as “fucking liberals” and other conversation enders. A girl who maybe finds Drew Barrymore as adorable as I do, but if she doesn't, isn't convinced I'm having an affair with her friend who does find Drew adorable. A girl who doesn't blog, but if she does, isn't obsessive about her site statistics, who's visiting, and doesn't construct paranoid delusions about why they are visiting. A girl who possesses an emotional quotient and intellectual maturity befitting her age. A girl who has a firm grip on reality. Relatively drama-free would be nice. Could you be her?

Cool open-minded guy looking for curvy girls with nice skin

It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again (permalink).

I am a cool open-minded guy originally from Michigan. I am interested in meeting curvy girls with nice skin. I live in Adams Morgan. I work in the legal industry and my neighbors would say I’m a quiet loner who generally “keeps to himself.” I am looking for attractive girls with sexy womanly curves to meet. I like women who aren’t very vocal, are compliant, and give in easily. I am very attracted to curvy attractive girls with nice skin. I am 6 ft tall and have an average build. I like curvy women with nice skin that don’t have a lot of friends or family that would miss them if they didn’t get in touch for a day or two. My ideal curvy girl with nice skin will remember to rub the lotion on her skin (or else she’ll get the hose). Unfortunately, I am not open to any race. I prefer white, but not too white. So if there are any curvy women out there with nice skin, please respond. P.S . nice skin and curvy is essential to the completion of my female-skin “suit.”

"How Can I Get In Your Pants?" by Mr. Banana Hammock (Not Omari)

I am so happy Omari is back (permalink) with his long and unfocused ramblings on life, metro manners, all things DC, and love....

I didn't really "date" in high school because, well, I didn’t have to. I had a redwood hot tub and my parents were out of town a lot. And, in this time before the “AIDS crisis,” sex was abundant. No need to date. College was even better because I had this gay roommate and he would drag me along to go gay clubbing. I was younger and skinnier and prettier back then, so I fit right in. There were an abundance of gorgeous women at the gay club who assumed I was gay and they were “safe.” They could drink gallons of booze and it was ok to come on over to my apartment after the club closed because I was “gay,” right? Wrong. Then came a series of long-term live-in arrangements and at that point you’re not really dating, you’re playing house. Now I find myself single again. Well for single for the last couple of years anyway.

All that said, I’ve been forced to hone my picking up chick skills. I no longer have a hot tub, I’m not young and pretty anymore, and women these days seem to play hard to get. What gives with that? I’m a nice guy. I’ll respect you in the morning. If I’m getting laid, I’ll probably even want to see you again since the chances of us having sex again are probably a lot higher since we’ve done it once. Of course if you’re crazy, I probably won’t want to see you again, but I’ll be polite about it. Anyway, craigslist seems to work reasonably well for me because I like to write. And I can make up immediately unverifiable stuff about myself. You’ll have to go out with me to find out that they aren’t true. Things like, “Hi ladies, I’m a millionaire. I own a mansion and a yacht” or “I’m really really big down there.” However, I say reasonably well for a reason. While I’ve had some great dates with women off this site, and while I hope to attract bright, dynamic, vivacious, and beautiful women on craigslist, much of the time I seem to attract the crazy girls. What’s up with that?

Picking up women in face-to-face settings--such as grocery stores, bars, the 42 bus, ladies room in a restaurant, and the like--involves a completely different skill set. My problem is that I don’t have a well-developed sense of “boundaries.” I've often thought that a good pick-up begins with explaining what separates me from the other guy. What I can do for this particular woman. So often I'll say to the girl things like “Baby, I'm no Fred Flintstone, but I can make your Bedrock!” or “You know how they say skin is the largest organ? Not in my case.” Basically, that I am going to provide you with great orgasms with my extraordinarily large penis. This approach isn’t typically received warmly.

Why this isn’t working, I cannot figure out. Should I also try cupping your buttocks as a part of my approach? Would it make a difference if I complemented you on the firmness of your buttocks while I was cupping them? While we are talking, should I stare at your breasts more than I am currently? Should I complement their size and shape and ask before I touch? Or should I just go ahead and give’em a squeeze? How about if I let my penis dangle out of the fly of my jeans? Should I try stalking? How do you feel about Rohypnol®?

I never, never, ever, write unfocused rambler posts, however this seems like it turned out to be just that...but if you're a white woman, at least 26 but less than 35 years of age, I'd like to hear from you. Say something interesting, perhaps something about art (I especially like Italian Renaissance art), or even something about what you’re going to let me do to you on my kitchen table (or what you’re going to do to me) because that’s what generates sparks...and because I'm shallow, include a PHOTO, thanks!