Perusing this part of cl is not necessarily why you are here

Steve, you are one strange dude. (permalink).

No, this is not a repetitive post because you've yet to read it. I just wrote it. It won't be new in a day or so if you come back and reread it but it will be new to the people that haven't read it. Also, if I repost it (which I won't) it will be new to the people that haven't yet read it. Additionally, it might seem new to the people that already read it when I repost it if I repost it in, say, 2 weeks and you don't remember that you already read it. That's who I am trying to reach. People who haven't read it, people who read it and may have forgotten they read it, and people who might have been looking for a broken TV. I'll explain.

OK, so this is a relationship forum, but you really may not be looking for that at all.

Maybe you were looking for a broken TV and stumbled in here by accident and you find yourself reading these things. Maybe you were just bored at work and wanted to learn about how easy it would be to have sex with me. Or be my girlfriend. You want a boyfriend who doesn't have syphilis. I can be that guy for you. I don't have syphilis. Maybe you're just looking for a free broken TV. I can be that guy for you too. I have one that you can take off my hands if you wish.

The only question is what type of person do you want to swap bodily fluids with?

My type, course. What a silly question. I mean, you're reading this ad, so you must want to git jiggy with me naturally.


What? .... What is my type?

I told you. The type you are looking for.

What? .... What is your type?

Me!

One last thing: DO NOT DELETE OR CHANGE THE SUBJECT LINE. It is what I look for in an ocean of emails promising me that you will swoon over my size if I take this product called Megadik. Otherwise your response will be deleted unread. Also, respond in detail and comment to content, so I know you actually read this and I know I am not receiving a generic phishing reply. A naked picture of you would be nice too. Thanks.

Mr. BananaHammock

He gets letters:

"Original, I must say.

Do you talk the same way you write?

If that's the case, we would have to stick with having sex most of the time because talking could become way too confusing.

But in order to find out if I wanted to have sex with you I would have to see a picture of the "Megadik"

But then here are all the meds I'm taking....

The craziness...

I might be the one with syphilis! BTW, I collect broken TVs.

Is it still that easy to have sex with you?

J"

My weakness is your boobies

I must possess your EYES! Creepy (permalink).

Yes, in spite of what you might hear about men, we are all not alike. When I first look at a woman, I look at her boobies.

I come home from a hard day of shift work at the spelling and punctuation factory. I’m exhausted because the exclamation point (!) feeder bin is jammed again, so I have to push the emergency stop button and climb on the machinery and clear the feeder with a broom handle. Then the foreman starts yelling at me because I’m slowing down production (like it’s my fault, friggin’ machinery) and there is a shortage of exclamation points and that there’s a vital need for exclamation points over at craigslist M4W, and if they run out, what are they going to use, question marks??? Not likely.

So I tell the foreman that I am going to stick this broom handle where the sun don’t shine. Of course not where the sun don’t shine on me, but where the sun don’t shine on him. And he turns all red and steam starts pouring out of his ears and I say if he don’t like it, he can take it up with the shop steward. The factory is a union shop, after all, and I’m not taking any guff from management without the presence of my union rep.

Ok, so back to your boobies. If your boobies have that special shape, and they jiggle when you laugh, or bounce wildly when you jump up and down because you’re not wearing a sports bra, I am just in heaven. Of course there are other parts of you and your body that are important, just not to me. Some people like to know that their woman has a head. Not me. I couldn’t care less. Except for your mouth, as long as you’re not using it to talk. The rest of your body? Well, okay, let’s say slim to average.

Your boobies are thrust forward when we meet, your cleavage like a sort of vertical smile. Your boobies know when I’ve been a bad boy and know that bad boys need to be punished by being smothered by your boobies. Your boobies don’t care that I am a 37 year old white guy who acts like a 22 year old white guy. Your boobies are the first thing I visualize when we speak over the phone. I close my eyes and imagine that you’re rubbing them with baby oil or Cetaphil® Moisturizing Lotion, which by the way, contains a superior system of extra-strength emollients and humectants, clinically proven to bind water to the skin and prevent moisture loss, which is important because they can become chapped from all the kissing and licking, right?

Anyway, so I come home after a long day at the spelling and punctuation factory and I check out your boobies, which almost seems to brighten my day. I get fully brightened after I motorboat ‘em. Then you fetch me a beer. As we sit on the sofa and eat dinner off of TV trays, I grope your boobies which appear pale from the soft glow of the television set. With one hand on my beer, the other on the remote, we sit on the sofa and watch American Idol. Well, you’re watching American Idol. I’m staring at your boobies.

It's your boobies.

FORMER ART HISTORIAN LOOKING TO HAVE FUN WITH BITCHES

A friend sent along a post from a former Marine that I has apparently been retired by the craigslist community for good reason. Nobody should be comparing their body parts to bottles of Gatorade® that measure less than 64 oz. (permalink)...

What's up bitches?!!! A friend of met some hot bitches on here so I'm giving it a shot. I'm 6 foot 1, 170 pounds, in ok shape, like stacking cheese, bling bling, and of course, bitches. Note the size of my foot compared to a 64 oz bottle of Gatorade® Berry Rain. You can only imagine the size of my shoes!!

He gets letters:

"You crack me up. I loved the Valentines Bitches title. I'm too old, so please don't torment me with a picture of your other foot, but I am curious about how many responses you get. Hard to believe you're still available."

"YOU ARE SO FUNNY What a "sexy sock" you have! LOL (Just please don't call me "Bitch" OK?) As I was very married when I had my only child, 23 years ago!!!(AND REALLY most chicks don't like being called THAT name, OK?)SO.................that being said, I am a cute/pretty in my own way, 51 year old DWPF. I am a Fine Artist as well! And a published poet! I own my own Condo in Reston VA and have one "roomie;" my kitty kat, "Osacr!" (Who REALLY owns it!) Rotten boy that he is! My only child, is a man,now and serving in the US of A Navy! He is very smart,and very handsome! He is now stationed in CA,and I hope he gets to Hollywood sometime to Act! (He is way cute!)Well, I NEED me a "Muse!" Could you be mine??????"

How do this sound foxy womans............

So much wrong with ad. Olive Garden! (permalink).


Saturday evening go out to T.G.I. Friday's® to have POTATO SKINNY DIPPERS or FRIDAY’S® TOSTADO NACHOS and some good fun!! Then go to nice club for to dance!! I’m good dance. Come on I know it foxy womans on here!! We party good!!

Morning Fantasy Menu (Pick one)

Fraught with eroticimisity (permalink)!

1. You make me pancakes (Mmmmm....pancakes)
2. Two words: Dutch Oven (it's pretty funny you got to admit)
3. You clean my apartment (it's a bit messy)
4. Pull my finger (just pull it, damnit!)
5. Morning breath make-out (my favorite)
6. Can I touch your boobies? (I like boobies!)
7. Strip dreidel (Nes Gadol Haya Sham!)
8. I really like boobies (Boobies!)
9. I can pleasure you with my Sharper Image® Hot + Cold Therapeutic Massager…
10. You tell me _____________________________________________?


He gets letters:

"I choose option 1. But i think you should cook - and then serve breakfast in bed."

Looking for a one night stand that might lead to more.

Very high ick factor. Thanks, fellow in snark, for pointing this guy out to me (permalink). I think I just threw up a little bit in my mouth.

MY RULES


1. First we soak in my champagne flute-shaped hot tub so this way we know we are each clean
2. We wear protection. I wear a raincoat. You wear galoshes
3. We climb into my big round rotating bed. It has satin sheets and mirrors so we can watch ourselves makin’ “it”
4. My sheet are clean except for a small blood stain which happened when I hit my head on my vanity while my bed was rotating…ouch that hurt
5. You live close to me because I’m lazy
6. You can spell finished. shepherd, and fetuses
7. You like indie rock and other forms of music
8. Hoobastank is not indie rock or even another form of music
9. You are not married
10. You’re a cute, intelligent, female of average to thin build
11. You wear socks under your galoshes (or not), it is up to you
12. If you’re answering any phone calls while we have sex I must not be doing something right
13. No answering the door while we have sex unless you are under 5’2” and 120lbs. I probably cannot carry more than that over a long distance while we are having sex
14. No mental cases who try to get a restraining order on me after I dump them. I broke up with you after all. Why would I bother stalking?
15. No other mental cases either. You know who you are
16. You can make smell of female funk in my apartment but keep in mind my apartment smells mostly of man funk and those Glade® PlugIns® things. I believe the current scent is “Suddenly Spring™” or something like that.
17. We will oral each other (or not). I’m big on rules.
18. After sex we can lie in bed and watch a DVD or something or order Chinese or pizza or sushi.
19. Email or phone ok
20. Picture appreciated
21. If you think I am handsome or something let me know. I like compliments
22. BONUS if you like guys who smoke. I’m trying to quit, but I’m not quite there yet. See #15 above
23. BONUS if you are a glasses-girl
24. BONUS if you are an indie rock girl
25. If you want to record, I’ve got a digital camera. I insist on writing the dialogue though
26. I’m won’t do the “bend-over-boyfriend thing” but you can stick your finger in my butt if you wish. I won’t try to guilt you about trying anal sex.
27. You don’t need to be perfect. I’m not. Though I prefer thinner women.
28. My coworkers called me self-absorbed the other day. I replied that it reminded me of the time where I was having sex in my rotating bed and I was checking out my hair in the mirrors and this girl said, “you are so self-absorbed.” Truth be told, we were making a movie with my camera and I thought that I wanted my hair to look good. I had written some great dialogue and I was filming this movie. I had forgotten to check my hair before I started to “roll film” and I was just making sure my hair looked good. What’s the big deal?

NUDE PICTURES SENT TO ME will be used in fantasy masturbation scenarios. Just warning you...

Feel free to contact – I have a hidden agenda

He just seems creepy (permalink).


I wasn't sure whether or not I would get a better response if I went platonic or just romantic looking. It is Sunday morning and the pit in my cellar is bare today. I'm too tired to stalk, big night last night, so I thought I'd try to meet somebody electronically.But either way here here is my post. I'm a true Gemini. I moved here from Michigan via Pennsylvania and Virginia. Been here a year. No family or friends here. I'm the quiet loner type. I am looking for attractive girls with sexy womanly curves to meet. I like women who aren’t very vocal, are compliant, and give in easily. I am very attracted to curvy attractive girls with nice skin. I am 6 ft tall and have an average build. I like curvy women with nice skin that don’t have a lot of friends or family (like me). I like women with nice skin whose friends and family, if they have them, wouldn't miss them if they didn’t get in touch for a day or two. Unfortunately, I am not open to any race. I prefer white, but not too white. So if there are any curvy women out there with nice skin, please respond. Nice skin and curvy is essential to the completion of my female-skin “suit.”

So I will attached my picture,

He gets letters:

"'It puts the lotion on it's back' No harm meant, but I couldn't resist. LOL."

Cool open-minded guy looking for curvy girls with nice skin

It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again (permalink).

I am a cool open-minded guy originally from Michigan. I am interested in meeting curvy girls with nice skin. I live in Adams Morgan. I work in the legal industry and my neighbors would say I’m a quiet loner who generally “keeps to himself.” I am looking for attractive girls with sexy womanly curves to meet. I like women who aren’t very vocal, are compliant, and give in easily. I am very attracted to curvy attractive girls with nice skin. I am 6 ft tall and have an average build. I like curvy women with nice skin that don’t have a lot of friends or family that would miss them if they didn’t get in touch for a day or two. My ideal curvy girl with nice skin will remember to rub the lotion on her skin (or else she’ll get the hose). Unfortunately, I am not open to any race. I prefer white, but not too white. So if there are any curvy women out there with nice skin, please respond. P.S . nice skin and curvy is essential to the completion of my female-skin “suit.”

The longest and most repeated post....by me anyway

This wacky guy reposts several times a day. I guess to be on top or something.

Greetings ladies,

I’ve been playing with myself for a while now, but lately I find that I've been finding this arrangement pretty boring, and I think I'm getting pretty good at this sex thing. I find that I miss the things that having a serious relationship can give you that “dating” just doesn’t really seem to encompass. I don't want to get a dirty look from you if I burb or fart. Or making sweet sweet love on the kitchen table.

I miss those nights imagining lying on the couch with you against my chest and my arms wrapped around her. Enjoying the warmth of your body, sharing some popcorn and a movie, and enjoying the smell and feel of your hair. Maybe I'll clip off a lock and keep it in my "special memories" place along with a pair of your soiled panties and maybe some other stuff I found in your garbage. Maybe your nail clippings. Maybe there will also be lighted candles in this place along with a picture of you.

Everything else is just whatever. Perhaps I first noticed you on metro. Maybe it was the red line. Maybe I followed you home one night so I know where you live. Maybe you already have a boyfriend. Not to worry, I tell myself, there is no way you love him as much as you love me. You just don't know it yet. I know you have a nice body because I was looking in your window one night after you had taken a shower. You had just gotten back from your evening run. The moisture from the shower glistened on your perfect skin as you dried yourself. I wonder how you taste as I come in my pants.

I like hiking, camping, board games, cards, biking, and even movies. I even watch that junk on TV sometimes now. I like any kind of music pretty much. I enjoy concerts, and museums. I'm a movie junkie. I want to try trepanning, extreme sports like para-snobording, and a whole list of other things. I want to try making the perfect girlfriend out of the parts of other girls that I admire. Do you like any of this stuff? Does it matter? Never tried any of it? Well then we have tons to talk about, and a whole new list of adventures to try. Done them all and didn’t care for any of them? Well what do you do, I’m always looking for new stuff to try. You write interesting messages out of words you cut out of magazines? You into taxidermy? Well hell show me how cause that is just cool. I’m an older child. I’m into human psychology. There’s common ground between us. I can find it. I always do. I can relate to damn near any human being on this planet who’s ever had a sane, lucid moment.

Maybe I’m living in the wrong era for this, maybe I’m ahead of my age, or behind in the game, maybe I’m in the wrong city, or just looking in the wrong place, in the wrong time. Maybe I should build a space ship or found my own society on a secluded island and do genetic experiments grafting human DNA to animal DNA. Maybe I could create rat-men, and walrus-men, and giraffe-men who will do my bidding. Maybe wanting something like this makes me less of a man. Maybe it makes me like a god-man. Maybe there’s to much mad scientist and not enough hopeless realist in me. Maybe I should hide my emotions and just be another prick at the bar. Or maybe just continue to stalk you. Who knows? I’m me. I like me. Maybe you will, too.

So anyway a little more about me: I'm adventurous, love excitement, and can embrace a challenge rather than just seeing obstacles. I'm honest at all times and am not tactful when that honestly can be hurtful. If you ask me if your butt is big in those jeans I'll say, "yep" or "nope" or "wow you got a lot of junk in your trunk" or even "does that thing have its own gravity." I remember birthdays, Valentine’s Day, and things like that and try to come up with interesting things to do. Not just a e-card. Maybe an e-card and a gift certificate to Hechts.

I’m 6’0, 172 lbs 36 / brown hair/ brown eyes. I’m white and was raised by my white mom and dad so I don’t really have much of a non-white background. I can cook and I know the word for money in maybe two languages and can order beer in about 3-4 European languages. I love to travel. Oh and I tend to ramble, as if you couldn’t already tell. I’ve often been complimented on my penis on more than one occasion. They say things like, "hey, nice penis" and "I've seen bigger," and "Help! Police!" Maybe it makes me sound arrogant but I think I’m a good person on the whole.

You can come with me against your will or no
In my basement I'll talk about how I want to be your beau
I'm sure the love between us is bound to grow
I think it's called Stockholm Syndrome or something

You'll make all my dreams come true
My personal zombie I'll make of you
A chemical lobotomy I'll perform
After I bore a hole in your skull with my power drill or something.

As day fades, and darkness nears
We’ll reap the bounty that love rears
And I'll whisper softly and sweetly in your ears
But you won't respond since your a zombie or something

--- Mr. Banana Hammock

He gets letters:

"Thank you for coming back to us, you devil, you. If only you could tell that I'm the girl you've been waiting for."