Bored in my Brain Surgeon class...wanna chat?

Do women like guys who might make a lot of money in the future? Let's find out! (permalink)

Sitting in a Brain Surgeoning class on a topic I actually know, Brain Surgeoning. Is anyone up for a conversation? Tall, potential big time earner due to my knowledge of brain surgeoning, well traveled.

I'm the most hardcore fat-burning machine I can be. What about you?

Mr. BananaHammock returns...

So this morning I get up, shower, and air dry over my glass of breakfast wine. Naked and air drying, I take my morning supplement, Pump Tech™, which of course has led to even better pumps, jacked up my Nitric Oxide levels, increased my vascular response, and has my muscles blown up like balloons. Also, I take my Hydroxycut Hardcore™, enabling the enzymatic response involved in thermogenesis and the fat-uncoupling process turning me into the most effective and hardcore fat-burning machine I can be.

Before work I decide I need to do some grocery shopping. My refrigerator was recently fixed after being broken for a while and I need to restock. I’ve been tired of eating out every night. It’s going to be a hot day so I slip commando-style into my Carla Behrle leather pants. No shirt. I’m strolling down the aisles at El Safeway with my shopping list and coupons:

ground panda
condor eggs
yak milk
emperor penguin tenderloin
Fresca
pepper jack cheese
Snuggle
peaches
asparagus

The usual. Anyway, I’m over by the condom gulag and I notice this woman noticing me. Noticing my ripped definition. Noticing my muscle mass. Noticing my powerful presence. She’s staring at my crotch and squeezing those peaches to test for firmness I suppose. And drooling. I approach and let her know that if she’s after something a little firmer, she should come back to my Adams Morgan compound for a glass of breakfast wine and enjoy a Lifetime movie, “Hunger Point” starring Barbara Hershey as an overbearing mother who nit-picks her daughter into bulimia.

Me you ask? Grocery shopping. Eating endangered species. Lifetime movies. That is what I am about.


He gets letters:

"leather in the heat without undies is likely to cause a nasty rash...When I'm having a bad day I cruise CL and find the most off the wall post and send it to my colleagues. You won today. Thanks for the giggle."

" Welcome back! Now I can really look forward to reading the personals again."

NO HATERS!!!

That's just how I roll...

Looking for a one night stand that might lead to more.

Very high ick factor. Thanks, fellow in snark, for pointing this guy out to me (permalink). I think I just threw up a little bit in my mouth.

MY RULES


1. First we soak in my champagne flute-shaped hot tub so this way we know we are each clean
2. We wear protection. I wear a raincoat. You wear galoshes
3. We climb into my big round rotating bed. It has satin sheets and mirrors so we can watch ourselves makin’ “it”
4. My sheet are clean except for a small blood stain which happened when I hit my head on my vanity while my bed was rotating…ouch that hurt
5. You live close to me because I’m lazy
6. You can spell finished. shepherd, and fetuses
7. You like indie rock and other forms of music
8. Hoobastank is not indie rock or even another form of music
9. You are not married
10. You’re a cute, intelligent, female of average to thin build
11. You wear socks under your galoshes (or not), it is up to you
12. If you’re answering any phone calls while we have sex I must not be doing something right
13. No answering the door while we have sex unless you are under 5’2” and 120lbs. I probably cannot carry more than that over a long distance while we are having sex
14. No mental cases who try to get a restraining order on me after I dump them. I broke up with you after all. Why would I bother stalking?
15. No other mental cases either. You know who you are
16. You can make smell of female funk in my apartment but keep in mind my apartment smells mostly of man funk and those Glade® PlugIns® things. I believe the current scent is “Suddenly Spring™” or something like that.
17. We will oral each other (or not). I’m big on rules.
18. After sex we can lie in bed and watch a DVD or something or order Chinese or pizza or sushi.
19. Email or phone ok
20. Picture appreciated
21. If you think I am handsome or something let me know. I like compliments
22. BONUS if you like guys who smoke. I’m trying to quit, but I’m not quite there yet. See #15 above
23. BONUS if you are a glasses-girl
24. BONUS if you are an indie rock girl
25. If you want to record, I’ve got a digital camera. I insist on writing the dialogue though
26. I’m won’t do the “bend-over-boyfriend thing” but you can stick your finger in my butt if you wish. I won’t try to guilt you about trying anal sex.
27. You don’t need to be perfect. I’m not. Though I prefer thinner women.
28. My coworkers called me self-absorbed the other day. I replied that it reminded me of the time where I was having sex in my rotating bed and I was checking out my hair in the mirrors and this girl said, “you are so self-absorbed.” Truth be told, we were making a movie with my camera and I thought that I wanted my hair to look good. I had written some great dialogue and I was filming this movie. I had forgotten to check my hair before I started to “roll film” and I was just making sure my hair looked good. What’s the big deal?

NUDE PICTURES SENT TO ME will be used in fantasy masturbation scenarios. Just warning you...

Do the men in your life lack romance and sensuosity?

The total package (permalink).

I'm a successful entrepreneur... I paste blue and green glitter, feathers, and colored pipe-cleaners on empty egg cartons and sell them on eBay as jewelry boxes. I am extremely self-confident. I strut to and fro with my chest thrust forward. Other men ask me for advice and directions when they are lost. When I walk into a room, people speak admirably about my style of dress. Women often ask my for fashion tips for the men in their life. Crowds applaud when I parallel park. I am warm. My current body temperature is 0.3 degrees above normal. I am intelligent. I know that the speed of light is 670,616,629.384 miles per hour (in a vacuum of course). I can ask for a beer in several European languages and can say thank you when I receive the beer (which I guess also makes me polite). I am respectful. I won't grope your breasts without first asking for permission. I will call your father sir and I won't smack your mom's buttocks when I meet them. Caucasian, brown eyes, brown hair, 6'1, 169 lbs., totally D&D free, confident without being self-possessed, good cook, big feet, and was once interviewed for a travel magazine who wanted to know how I liked the Parker House rolls at the Parker House in Boston. Photoshopping is a driving force in my life. I'm a dance battler in my private life, an award winning bungee golfer in a past life, and a MAed spy in the house of love in my public life. I won't be refused. I'm waiting for your heart's defection. I embrace the sensibilities of Dr. No. I have a strong reverence those who would surround themselves with sexy femme fatales while attempting to implement an evil plan of world domination.

You are an attractive, fit, intelligent blonde or brunette or redhead. You would delight in feeling the loving touch of a self-confident man of warmth, intelligence, respectulness and any other stuff that I mentioned in the paragraph above.

Would you like to get your hands on a true midwestern transplant? I can show you where I came from on my HAND! A caring adventure of mind and body coupled with a strong midwestern work ethic. I won't stop working until you reach...Bliss..

I'm very willing to entertain you inside and outside your body. I've learned at least four sex moves from the internet and have been practicing them for weeks on myself. Now willing to try them on women. Attractive, fit, intelligent women with hair. Erotic explorations. Affectionate kisses.

... A kiss on your lips.

A kiss on your neck.

A tongue in your ear.

A kiss on your lips again.

Then licking your entire face.

And pinch your nipple with one hand.

Remote control in the other hand.

We can escape the daily grind outside and do our own grinding inside. Converse on sacred spaces. Contemplate the nature of the Universe. Calculate PI. Discuss the TomKat wedding. Express our surprise at the Britney/Kevin breakup (We both thought they'd go the distance). Talk and laugh and hug and play. Roll around and laugh and laugh and laugh. Then start hiccuping. I'll gently stick my fingers in your ears while you drink a glass of water with your head tilted backwards.

Charlie Manson once said, “If you are going to do something, do it well. And leave something witchy.” Here's my pic. I'd love to see your pic. Let's do something.

Sublimely Übersexual

Profoundly Überstupid (permalink).

In my personal life I strive for excellence in everything that I do: the way I dress, the quality of my work, and what I eat. Understanding the finer things is important to me. For example, I know that true Kobe beef can only be purchased in Japan and that Kobe “style” beef can be purchased in the U.S. I also know that Kobe beef can be prepared as steak, sukiyaki, shabu shabu, sashimi, and teppanyaki. Additionally, I possess awareness that Crottin de Chavignol is a finer cheese, than say, an American cheese like Kraft singles, and unlike Kraft singles, Crottin de Chavignol is best enjoyed on a cheese board. These are but a few of the finer things that I understand.

I have recently moved to the D.C. area. I seek a woman of equal passions, intelligence, and pretentions. A woman who possesses awareness of fine cheeses and beef. I am able to navigate any level of social strata with dignity, poise, and grace. I hold no prejudices except those who do not understand fine cheeses and beef. The eyes of all women are struck pleasant by my pulchritudinous visage. I posses neither ex-spouse nor child nor any baggage that I am equipped to cogitate. I am gainfully engaged in career activities. I give voice to a desire to engage an outstanding woman in a relationship fraught with sensuosity. The woman for whom I will cultivate my robust zeal will be resplendent both in mental representation, countenance and a maturity level commensurate with my own. That's kind of penultimately it.

If you seek a higher level of sophistication so offered in a man like myself, a man among boys, a man who knows many different big words, a man who may quite possibly own a thesaurus, a man who knows good beef and cheese, a man who cannot say no to a good run-on sentence, send an email to the address that is above, the address at the top of the page, include a picture of yourself and tell me what drives your interests, makes you laugh, makes you cry, motivates your soul. Please no pictures of your soul.

No freaks.

Idiots respond:

"First of all: Uebersexual is a German word, and you made no comment about this word in your description. Then, if you like cheese, as one of the fine things in life, you should have made a better photo of yourself. This photo does not show a person, who likes fine things (not your shirt, not the calendar in the back, etc.)

Guess, you only know the Crottin, which means in French also the dirt from dogs on the steets, or the dirt from cows on the field.

Good luck to you, and try to improve your picture. A nice bottle of red wine, next to the cheese and you in the back would work better to find the right woman. I love cheese, I love red wine, as I learned a lot from my ex who is French. But I also like other fine, really fine things in life!
Lonelyheart"