I'm the most hardcore fat-burning machine I can be. What about you?

Mr. BananaHammock returns...

So this morning I get up, shower, and air dry over my glass of breakfast wine. Naked and air drying, I take my morning supplement, Pump Tech™, which of course has led to even better pumps, jacked up my Nitric Oxide levels, increased my vascular response, and has my muscles blown up like balloons. Also, I take my Hydroxycut Hardcore™, enabling the enzymatic response involved in thermogenesis and the fat-uncoupling process turning me into the most effective and hardcore fat-burning machine I can be.

Before work I decide I need to do some grocery shopping. My refrigerator was recently fixed after being broken for a while and I need to restock. I’ve been tired of eating out every night. It’s going to be a hot day so I slip commando-style into my Carla Behrle leather pants. No shirt. I’m strolling down the aisles at El Safeway with my shopping list and coupons:

ground panda
condor eggs
yak milk
emperor penguin tenderloin
Fresca
pepper jack cheese
Snuggle
peaches
asparagus

The usual. Anyway, I’m over by the condom gulag and I notice this woman noticing me. Noticing my ripped definition. Noticing my muscle mass. Noticing my powerful presence. She’s staring at my crotch and squeezing those peaches to test for firmness I suppose. And drooling. I approach and let her know that if she’s after something a little firmer, she should come back to my Adams Morgan compound for a glass of breakfast wine and enjoy a Lifetime movie, “Hunger Point” starring Barbara Hershey as an overbearing mother who nit-picks her daughter into bulimia.

Me you ask? Grocery shopping. Eating endangered species. Lifetime movies. That is what I am about.


He gets letters:

"leather in the heat without undies is likely to cause a nasty rash...When I'm having a bad day I cruise CL and find the most off the wall post and send it to my colleagues. You won today. Thanks for the giggle."

" Welcome back! Now I can really look forward to reading the personals again."