Do the men in your life lack romance and sensuosity?

The total package (permalink).

I'm a successful entrepreneur... I paste blue and green glitter, feathers, and colored pipe-cleaners on empty egg cartons and sell them on eBay as jewelry boxes. I am extremely self-confident. I strut to and fro with my chest thrust forward. Other men ask me for advice and directions when they are lost. When I walk into a room, people speak admirably about my style of dress. Women often ask my for fashion tips for the men in their life. Crowds applaud when I parallel park. I am warm. My current body temperature is 0.3 degrees above normal. I am intelligent. I know that the speed of light is 670,616,629.384 miles per hour (in a vacuum of course). I can ask for a beer in several European languages and can say thank you when I receive the beer (which I guess also makes me polite). I am respectful. I won't grope your breasts without first asking for permission. I will call your father sir and I won't smack your mom's buttocks when I meet them. Caucasian, brown eyes, brown hair, 6'1, 169 lbs., totally D&D free, confident without being self-possessed, good cook, big feet, and was once interviewed for a travel magazine who wanted to know how I liked the Parker House rolls at the Parker House in Boston. Photoshopping is a driving force in my life. I'm a dance battler in my private life, an award winning bungee golfer in a past life, and a MAed spy in the house of love in my public life. I won't be refused. I'm waiting for your heart's defection. I embrace the sensibilities of Dr. No. I have a strong reverence those who would surround themselves with sexy femme fatales while attempting to implement an evil plan of world domination.

You are an attractive, fit, intelligent blonde or brunette or redhead. You would delight in feeling the loving touch of a self-confident man of warmth, intelligence, respectulness and any other stuff that I mentioned in the paragraph above.

Would you like to get your hands on a true midwestern transplant? I can show you where I came from on my HAND! A caring adventure of mind and body coupled with a strong midwestern work ethic. I won't stop working until you reach...Bliss..

I'm very willing to entertain you inside and outside your body. I've learned at least four sex moves from the internet and have been practicing them for weeks on myself. Now willing to try them on women. Attractive, fit, intelligent women with hair. Erotic explorations. Affectionate kisses.

... A kiss on your lips.

A kiss on your neck.

A tongue in your ear.

A kiss on your lips again.

Then licking your entire face.

And pinch your nipple with one hand.

Remote control in the other hand.

We can escape the daily grind outside and do our own grinding inside. Converse on sacred spaces. Contemplate the nature of the Universe. Calculate PI. Discuss the TomKat wedding. Express our surprise at the Britney/Kevin breakup (We both thought they'd go the distance). Talk and laugh and hug and play. Roll around and laugh and laugh and laugh. Then start hiccuping. I'll gently stick my fingers in your ears while you drink a glass of water with your head tilted backwards.

Charlie Manson once said, “If you are going to do something, do it well. And leave something witchy.” Here's my pic. I'd love to see your pic. Let's do something.

Body, Mind, Spirit & Virtually no Ego: Man of Substance Here

There's always one of these fellas lurking around craigslist (permalink)...

I am an extraordinarily powerful yet sensitive man. Yesterday I saw “Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants” and I silently wept for poor, poor Bailey. I can bend the will of other men with my icy stare, yet I needlepoint pillows with sayings like “Bless this House” and “Bless this Mess” and “Down with Negativity.” I've designed my own toile with scenes based on the life of former Creed frontman Scott Stapp. I am man of intelligence, character, and extreme potentency. I've personally calculated pi out to seven decimal points without the aid of a calculator. I am working on a novelization of the recent "Chronicles of Narnia" film which I intend to have published by Viking press. I am a seducer of enormous skill. I am a spy in the house of love, gathering clues to be used in the war of affections. The laws of physics don't apply to me. I am seeking my lifetime romantic partner.

A successful entrepreneur, I invent new uses for old things by screwing skateboard wheels on them, covering them with with red and silver glitter, and selling them on eBay. I enjoy both the finer things (composing symphonies, writing poetry, and creating dances that will become the new craze in country bars) and simple pleasures (calculating the speed of things, making soup from scratch, training in bungee massage). I maintain a rebellious spirit. I own a button that says “has a problem with authority.” My appearance and lifestyle are equally as rebellious (I've been known to angrily shake my fist and sneer at authority while wearing my Che shirt and brown Chucks). I temper my rebelliousness with wisdom, common sense and great quantities of alcohol which makes me kind of lazy. I'm health and fitness conscious, but not so much that I want to work out; educated, and willing to lord my intelligence over you; active, but mostly in my apartment; communicative, but unwilling to listen unless you want to talk about me. Not having sex in nearly a year, I am basically desperate enough to explore fantasies and build a shared life without limits with some anonymous woman from craigslist as long as she is reasonably attractive and fit.

If you relate strongly and specifically to this ad, I want to hear from you right away. I don't expect a lot of replies - only one or two crazy chicks who want to go out tonight, a few spammers who want me to look at their yahoo profiles, and a Russian woman who is looking for “qualidy amarican man.” If you are funny, brave, sexy, super-smart and self-aware, why are you on craigslist anyway?

Expert Chicken Sexer ready for change: business/life associate sought!

Paging Dr. Crazy...to the ER, STAT...(permalink)

I command that you STOP and take a few seconds to ruminate this missive and cogitate on whether or not YOU know if you have the excellence of character to be a life-associate to this former expert chicken sexer, 2-time winner of the Japanese Chicken Vent Sexing Championship / about to launch into something exceptionally entrepreneurial and fun too...

don't just sit on the sidelines, JUMP right in...

A swm, CAN-DO MAN WITH AN UNCUCKOO PLAN ... RIGHT HERE IN DC...ALSO. Just read on, my bedrock values and BELIEFS involve having fun engaging entrepreneuristically and not only for the revenue, but the fun, as well as the revenue and fun. I am looking for an attractive and thin female, blessed with intelligenceness, and NOT caught by post-natalist encumbrances, who is really ambitious and entrepreneurally inclined, but ambitious for monetary fulfillment and FUN.

I would like to have a business and a romance ASSOCIATE: all wrapped up into one...sort of like sleeping with your cube-mate! :) One thing that chicken sexing has taught me is that the external appearance of baby chickens can fall into as many as 15 basic patterns. Also, that I am serious about entrepreneurship in specialized fields where fun and profit are TANTAMOUNT. I am looking for this special somebody, YES USING CRAIGSLIST, for an associate NON crime NON NON romance... I am entrepreneurial as well as educated in CHICKEN SEXING-SCIENCES...and have previous experience and expertise in entrepreneurismness.

PLEASE be open yourself to the POSSIBILITY of a WIN:WIN situation...DAZZLE me your capacity to be an ASSOCIATE. I thank you for your speedy response to this once-in-a-lifetime offer. Your response should be replete with honesty and detail at great length your reasons for answering and more about yourself. Yes, conversating on truthfulance and honestment IS key and this might indicate where this proceeds OR not.. I am genuinely hoping that Craig sends me someone who is as smart and entrepreneurialistically inclined as I am.

Sexy Guy + (You Sexy Woman) = Exponential Sexiness

Yummmmmm. Sexy (permalink).

Hey sexy ladies, just writing to hook up with any of you sexy attractive ladies on Craigslist who are looking for a weekend fraught with sexiness. I'm in bat guano import and refining and I just closed a huge account this week and the boss showed his appreciation by giving me access to the company X-Wing all weekend. Naboo? Tatooine? Endor and party with Ewoks? What sounds good to you???

Yes, sexy lady! I'm looking for a quick f*** or a one night stand. Sexy gorgeous, sexy attractive or even sexy hottie woman…you who loves to have a good time and wants to do something sex-related this weekend. If you are a little unsure about hanging out with an unknown, but sexy, stranger, it doesn't even have to be like a monogamous sort of thing. Bring sexy girlfriends along and we’ll tour the galaxies having sex and be ambassadors for sexiness and have a great time. The only expectation I have is that we will have sex.

Send me photos of your smoldering sexiness! I’ll send you more photos of me looking terribly sexy indeed! Sexy sex sex!

Mr. BH

Entrepreneur SWM Seeks: Smart & Fertile Arm Candy

Rich guy seeks trophy wife for baby-making (permalink)...

Hello, thanks for reading. Recently retired after just having sold my crotchmosphere detector factory, looking for trophy wife committed to being knocked up for the next 3-6 years. My hobbies are parasurfing, extreme drinking, masturbating, amateur astronauting, time travel, goat-herding, pubic hair topiary design, hip hop dance-offs, and reading poetry. I'm easy on the eyes, 6'1",fit-ish, hair, a bit introverted, easy to step on as I find myself laying on the floor a lot. You hopefully can lay on top of me!

Best of luck to all on their respective searches

He gets letters:

"Thanks for the laugh. Not much going on here at work and I was posting my apartment for rent on craigslist and i stopped into men seeking women and your ad is hilarious. And you if are serious, it is even funnier."

"ahahahahah!!!! I'm laughing! That was funny but I'm hoping that it was supposed to be funny? Nice picture. I once broke up with a guy when I caught him eating his boogers. It was just beyond."

"Sometimes it's hard to find the posts you're parodying, at least not without a bit too much time spent on the 'ol internet, but I found this one easily. He actually wrote to me, expressing dismay that we were so much alike but that I did not want to have children. Probably very sincere, but if he basically wants to procreate some geniuses, there are other options out there..."

"lol...great picture sir"

Successful Entrepreneur Type Seeks Nice Girl to Share the Wealth

Ugh. Successful Executive Types...

I’ve just recently entered into a lucrative contract to produce a clone army for the Republic and now I am looking to meet a woman who would enjoy a great relationship with a nice down to earth gentleman. Relationship is not out of the question.

I am not just looking for a physical relationship, but also a dinner companion, snark companion, movie watchin’ companion, reading companion, tv veggin’ companion, having a beer at a bar type of companion, travel partner. Please be as real as I am.

I’m tall, Caucasian, and very serious.



He gets letters:

"You are awesome!"

":) Keep up the good work. :)"

"Hello! My name is *****, I live in Maryland. I'm tall and attractive
(was told). I have lots of interests, I love going in for sports,
traveling, reading, dancing, singing... I also have a sence of humor
and charm. I'm misterious and series. Would be happy to hear from you."

Successful entrepreneur seeks...

I'm joining the ranks of successful entrepreneurs that post on craigslist...

Let me describe myself first then I'll talk about what I'm seeking!!! I am a handsome, fun loving, food loving, well-educated, time-traveled white guy running my own spelling and punctuation factory startup in Adams Morgan. Physically, I am 6'0", 170 lbs, in good shape from daily elliptical training and still have a full head of brown hair (one or two grey ones from my last relationship, thanks H if you’re reading this!!). I do love the outdoors and sports but love to dance as well...I am partial to the white-man's overbite and the Watusi!!!! I am single...and intend to stay so until I find the right person. My hand and I have been together for over 6 months and I have no desire to hurt her. It’s just that...physically...the relationship has turned stale with a huge libido mismatch. So, I'd like to explore a relationship with a lady who is similarly situated. And yes, it would be a relationship. All these NSA ads on Craigslist notwithstanding, I can't imagine jumping into bed with someone I don't know and don't like being with...can you?! Which is why, I am posting here rather than in Casual Encounters. I can't imagine characterizing what I am seeking as an Encounter much less a Casual one!!

So, what am I seeking in you? Please be don’t be too young and be super hot!!! Please be able to keep a conversation but know when to shut up!!! You should have all your teeth!!!! Would be nice if you are aware of what’s going on in the world and were progressive/liberal in your outlook!!!! Physically, please be super hot with a bangin' bod!!!! And...please love to laugh!! And please like exclamation points!!!!! Lots of em!!!!

Now, just a little bit about my sensuality. I am a very considerate lover. I'd be best described by the lyrics to the Warrant song:

Swingin' on the front porch
Swingin' on the lawn
Swingin' where we want
'Cause there ain't nobody home
Swingin' to the left
And swingin' to the right
If I think about baseball
I'll swing all night yea
Swingin' in the living room
Swingin' in the kitchen
Most folks don't 'cause
They're too busy bitchin'
Swingin' in there 'cause
She wanted me to feed her
So I mixed up the batter
And she licked the beater

Anybody game enough to give me a whirl? I'm waiting eagerly...

He gets letters:

"I can't stop laughing at your CL post. Nothing is funnier to me than exclamation points(thank you David Sedaris), except maybe romanitc Warrant songs."