Morning Fantasy Menu (Pick one)

Fraught with eroticimisity (permalink)!

1. You make me pancakes (Mmmmm....pancakes)
2. Two words: Dutch Oven (it's pretty funny you got to admit)
3. You clean my apartment (it's a bit messy)
4. Pull my finger (just pull it, damnit!)
5. Morning breath make-out (my favorite)
6. Can I touch your boobies? (I like boobies!)
7. Strip dreidel (Nes Gadol Haya Sham!)
8. I really like boobies (Boobies!)
9. I can pleasure you with my Sharper Image® Hot + Cold Therapeutic Massager…
10. You tell me _____________________________________________?


He gets letters:

"I choose option 1. But i think you should cook - and then serve breakfast in bed."

i want to play poker with Jesus and his disciples

More I want. I want. I want (permalink).

I just saw the Da Vinci Code and was thinking how cool it would be to kick it with Jesus and a six-pack of Corona.

i want to be a Hulk-like creature that terrorizes teletubbies

I want. I want. I want (permalink).

I really hate those little fuckers.


He gets letters:

"Indeed, an entire generation has been damaged by the teletubic scourge upon our nation!"

Cerebral-Tsar seeks Tsarina: woman for a man REPLETE with Smartiosity

If your going to go on and on about how intellectual you are, please please spell-check before posting. Please? (permalink)

I'm not sure there are many women that share a similar sized brain-pan as I trolling craigslist, but I figure if there are, it'll put the ball in your court. I've wasted too much time with intellectual inferiors who don't know the difference between rational and natural numbers or even old formula coca-cola versus new formula coca-cola for that matter. Sycophants are great. But I have plenty and I tire of their incessant drooling over my intense intellecualnessment. I'm not looking for more women to worship me as a god. Heavens know I've got too many of these “hangers-on” already. I'm interested in dating and relationships. I'm interested in seeking out and exploring what my lessers seem to find so engaging.

I'm 37. White. A former grad student in Art History. I'm funny (I'll tell you a joke if you want but you probably will not get it because I am much smarter than you. Trust me, it's true), confident in ways you will never understand, and I will point out your errors and misjudgments, if only to help you be a better person. I love to cook, read, write, think grand thoughts, and look down on you. There's also a part of me that loves the baser parts of the culture we share: para-bungee-sailing, extreme moto-golf, and “dancing” the YMCA..

I like intelligent women. VERY intelligent women, on the order of IQs well over 100. Most women want smart, but not too smart. I'm very intellectual. I'm not arrogant or stuck-up, just honest about your intellectual inferiority to me. I chose this path of condensation over some very good law schools, medical schools, and even a certain Clown College located in Sarasota, Florida that will remain nameless because I don't like to brag. If you can't understand why someone would do that, I'm not for you.

I'm very liberal. Don't bother if you're conservative. I have European heritage but I'm not European.

I've traveled a lot: all over Michigan, Northern Virginia, Maryland, and even parts of Florida. I spent one summer at a sleep-over camp in Northern Michigan and didn't even once cry for my mommy. Good times.

He gets letters:

"Narcissistic Personality Disorder sufferers are so adorable. I just want to cuddle you."

"I posted an ad today please read below if you are interested please respond with a picture. By the way your ad doesn't [sic] intimitate me - no man can tell me he is smarter then me..."

Leaving work early, I want to munch on some beaver

MWM hungry for pussy (permalink). I hunger for beaver...


170 lb, 6'1" white guy, home alone later today, very hungry!

Do you like your man hairy?

Shout out to hairy men everywhere (permalink).

Sexy 70s hairy man here looking for a gal that appreciates a hairy guy. I have very soft back hair that you could rub your fingers through and maybe even cornrow after we are done with the hours of super hot and sweaty man on woman lovemaking that we will be doing if I sound like someone you would like to hit up for bedroom fun. Think of me as your own personal human sweater.


He gets letters:

" eeeeewwwww!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Are you a Scientologist?

Got Church? (permalink)

I am a single, never married white dude, 72.5 inches tall, brown hair, brown eyes.

Being “clear” is a requirement. Please no engrams, implants, or haters. Just be straight-forward and "normal"! My world is not incomplete, but it would be nice to share my world with someone crossing the bridge to total freedom.

My perception of an ideal relationship: Someone who believes that psychiatry was responsible for World War I, the rise of Hitler and Stalin, the decline in education standards in the United States, the wars in Bosnia and Kosovo, and the September 11 attacks. Also, you believe that Xenu was the alien ruler of the "Galactic Confederacy" who, 75 million years ago, brought billions of people to Earth in spacecraft resembling Douglas DC-8 airliners, stacked them around volcanoes and blew them up with hydrogen bombs. Then the souls of these unfortunates clustered together and stuck to the bodies of the living. Other than that, I am pretty flexible. If you are interested in any of these qualities, please feel free to inquire!

Yes, I can actually drag myself off my couch, take of the sweats and put on jeans, and head out to a smoky bar. Just let me spay myself down with AXE first. I am a huge fan of past life experiences! In one, I was deceived into a love affair with a robot decked out as a beautiful blonde with big bazongas, though the metal body probably should’ve tipped me off that something wasn’t right. Anyway, we’re frolicking naked in this field on the planet Venus and out of nowhere this Martian priest driving a zamboni crushes me and my robot girlfriend. I wonder what I learned from that experience?

I BELIEVE IN XENU! I would like to have someone that gets audited on a regular basis. No longer preclear friendly.

Blessings

Mr. Banana Hammock

(key words: Xenu, Hitler, robot girlfriends, zamboni)

White Male with amiable blackhead on chin

Genial Herpes? (permalink)

Unlike a lot of white guys, who just go around with concealer and think its funny, I 'm looking to be upfront. So let’s talk.

Taste so good make a grown man cry

I’m an enchanting, genial, dexterous, and wily single white male with brown hair and eyes and shoes. I’m 6ft 1 inch tall. I drink and smoke. I’m looking to quit smoking. No criminal record or children (that I am aware of anyway). I am writing a Toccata for the Oud and am designing toile depicting scenes from the life of Scott Stapp, former front man of Creed. My “safe” word is “OUCH!” Yes I’m a worshipper of Bael, as sort of spider-like deity with three heads, a cat head, a frog head, and then the head of a big-nosed guy with pointy ears and a crown (see below). I come from a family and I live in rough and tumble Adams Morgan, amid poets, writers, artists, junkies and NIMBYs. I have a great command of the English language and a large collection of those state quarters. The English language and those state quarters make the World go round. I have a lot to offer in a relationship (see “large collection of state quarters” above). Plus I’m completely trustworthy. I’m too lazy to cheat and a bad liar. A good catch as they say.

I’m looking for a LTR with a woman who lives near me, Adams Morgan, Dupont Circle, Woodley Park, Mt. Pleasant (see “lazy” above). Someone from one of the local neighborhoods. Seeking a woman who thin to average. If you’re into the clubbing scene and hitting the bars than I might be your guy. Age unimportant. Just be nice, funny, thin to average, democrat, middle of the roader, or independents, like clubbing or bars, live near me, attractive, maybe a glasses-girl, I like them, you also come from a family, like cherry pie, eat food I cook, like to do activities, not into boring things, like non sequiturs, like inside naked sports (premarital), maybe shout at TV at times, drunk dial, drunk emails, suntan naked, enjoy small children (since I act like one), stuff like that. Bonus if you’re into guys who a prone to ramble on incoherently.

Did you know that nematodes are the most numerous multicellular animals on earth? A handful of soil will contain thousands of them, many of which are parasites of insects, plants or animals.

i put the "gay" in sagacious. um, on second thought...

i mean i put the “lube” in salubrious. or maybe I put the “sex” in sexamalicious! in any event, my life is a no-holds-barred mad-cap thrill ride, kind of like “the cannonball run” except without the star power or cars. i’m like a younger, moustache-less Burt Reynolds with the chest hair! i’m not capitalizing because my shift key is broken though everything should be spelled correctly. if you’re normally into good grammar, punctuation, spelling, that sort of thing, then i am your guy. if i'm attracted to you, that probably means you probably have commitment issues. or are thin. or are attractive. i’m working on that. i'm 6'1" (actually i'm just a hair under 6'1”). the women here on cl seem to have an obsession with my penis for some reason. his name is mr. mcgillicutty and sort of looks like darth vader from behind. i have a good job, a car, shoes and i like to play with children to impress single women of child-bearing age. i am looking for whatever.

Good or Bad Idea? Normal Only Please.

Man seeks Catholic at Ruth's Chris Steak House on a Friday (permalink).

Hi,

I was reading through the ads this morning and I am wondering if this might be a place to meet a single normal female. Someone who would like to dress up in furry costumes and frolic in Rock Creek Park, maybe play tennis naked, or have an old fashioned Eskimo face-pulling competition, whatever, just hang out and see how things develop. Do normal people read these things or am I alone out here?

Well here is the vital info about me if you normal people are reading this. I am a single white male, never married and no children, looking for a LTR with a normal woman. I am normal. I am in descent shape and am about 6'1" tall, wish I could say 6'2” but not quite. I am honest, normally. If you are interested drop me a note and let's see what the next year has in store for us.

Merry Christmas.

∞ KOTEKA ∞ Top 10 cool things about wearing a koteka:

SWM, I don't get you...(permalink)

Top 10 things about wearing a koteka (for men):

10. When everyone is sweating in their business suits during those hot and humid DC summers, you'll be cool as can be
9. You never have to "stuff" again!
8. You can get a budgie and no one knows
7. You'll probably get a whole car to yourself on Metro
6. Perfect for those formal embassy events, well Papua New Guinea embassy events anyway
5. No one mistakes you for a fashion victim
4. Great for your wedding photos, Christmas cards, High School reunions, whatever!
3. If you wear a double penis gourd, held up with a strip of cloth, you can use the space between the two gourds for carrying small items such as money and tobacco
2. (insert your favorite one here... email me)
1. It got your attention!

Looking for a Woman Beautiful on the Inside as She is on the Outside

Of course I'll want to make sure...



He gets letters:

"LMAO too cute.....at least its not the COLD metal variety!"

"have no idea what your game is but your post cracked me the hell up! thanks for the laugh."

~flagged and removed by the craiglist community~

Bad Poetry Thursday: Zardoz

Bad Poetry Thursday is back!!

Your distant future
My present
I am a brutal, an exterminator
I worship the stone head
Zardoz

Hidden deep within
The mouth of my god
I infiltrate Vortex Number 4
To find his true nature
Zardoz

I meet Arthur Frayn
Immortal
Fake god by occupation
Magician by inclination
Zardoz

Civilization's end
Immortality
Genetic manipulation
Artificial intelligence
Zardoz

Time control
Psychic power
Space travel
Zardoz is pleased
Stay behind my aura!

He gets letters:

"Aw man, that is bad. I was re-creating that movie in my head the other day as if it were made in this day and age. It wasn't any better. Can't believe I watched it all the way through."

I think what I think. I hate you all. I hate you all. Including me...

Liberal? Not overeducated enough? Like short dudes? Call me (permalink).

From the title of this post, some would say I’ve seen the movie Zardoz one to many times, but I think I haven’t seen the movie Zardoz enough. Does that make sense? If it does to you, we should talk. If you think there's no such thing as being too gassy, either, we should definitely talk. If you think the movie Zardoz is the greatest movie ever, as well as that Sean Connery is the source of all contemporary wisdom, we should just go ahead and move in together: maybe we should do “it” first. Bonus points if you know the reference in the title! It’s from Zardoz!

Now for my awe-inspiring, jaw-dropping, Zardoz-like, flavoriscious stats: single white guy, 6'1, squishy 170, dark hair & eyes. I have hair. I'm looking a woman with assorted qualities of which I’m not actually certain. Interested? Don't bother spamming me--I won't fall for it! And as Zardoz said, “The penis is evil. The penis shoots seeds, and makes new life, and poisons the earth with a plague of men, as once it was. But the gun shoots death, and purifies the earth of the filth of brutals. Go forth and kill!”

Women are just plain superdooperficial

Wow. Bitterness. How's that workin' for you? (permalink).

You cannot disagree with me because it is the truth. Look it up. Women are just plain superdooperficial. I am not the greatest looking guy in the world but I am probably second best. I am a real catch. Intelligent, tall, and fast. I can run circles around you. Literally. You will take one look at me and imagine what it is like being with me. My icy stare will make your uterus will ache. Your parents will love me. More than you probably. You will desire my man-love raining down on you. Too bad you cannot have me. I value beauty inside as well.

Ex-Playa Who Has Matured

Two arms waiting to embrace heaven guy has a new schtick. He's no longer a player....(permalink).

Are you a young professional woman who is: thin, nice legs, wicked smat, sense of humor, etc. You are hot on the outside and hot on the inside. You’re looking for tall, brooding glasses guy who doesn't play games. I'm a former playa that's ready, willing & able to be in a healthy, happy and committed relationship! My E.Q. is now at the same level as my I.Q. We could rent “An Affair to Remember” or “Love Story.” Interested?

6'1"
170 lbs.
Single.
No bull poop.

Here’s my pic.

Catch me B4 I have no mor har

WTF? (permalink).

Intelectal Male searches women who r licked to being tuched in their scared spaces...Why? Not sure. But, also lick tuching brists no matter what binges. For years i kept myself away from u ladies. Now you are lucky I have moved to make myself available to tuch ur brists and scared space! Lets make friction for warmth of man 2 girl hot sexiness in this cold weather...Gosh it is cold is'nt it?---I can tuch ur brists, rite?

Looking for a one night stand that might lead to more.

Very high ick factor. Thanks, fellow in snark, for pointing this guy out to me (permalink). I think I just threw up a little bit in my mouth.

MY RULES


1. First we soak in my champagne flute-shaped hot tub so this way we know we are each clean
2. We wear protection. I wear a raincoat. You wear galoshes
3. We climb into my big round rotating bed. It has satin sheets and mirrors so we can watch ourselves makin’ “it”
4. My sheet are clean except for a small blood stain which happened when I hit my head on my vanity while my bed was rotating…ouch that hurt
5. You live close to me because I’m lazy
6. You can spell finished. shepherd, and fetuses
7. You like indie rock and other forms of music
8. Hoobastank is not indie rock or even another form of music
9. You are not married
10. You’re a cute, intelligent, female of average to thin build
11. You wear socks under your galoshes (or not), it is up to you
12. If you’re answering any phone calls while we have sex I must not be doing something right
13. No answering the door while we have sex unless you are under 5’2” and 120lbs. I probably cannot carry more than that over a long distance while we are having sex
14. No mental cases who try to get a restraining order on me after I dump them. I broke up with you after all. Why would I bother stalking?
15. No other mental cases either. You know who you are
16. You can make smell of female funk in my apartment but keep in mind my apartment smells mostly of man funk and those Glade® PlugIns® things. I believe the current scent is “Suddenly Spring™” or something like that.
17. We will oral each other (or not). I’m big on rules.
18. After sex we can lie in bed and watch a DVD or something or order Chinese or pizza or sushi.
19. Email or phone ok
20. Picture appreciated
21. If you think I am handsome or something let me know. I like compliments
22. BONUS if you like guys who smoke. I’m trying to quit, but I’m not quite there yet. See #15 above
23. BONUS if you are a glasses-girl
24. BONUS if you are an indie rock girl
25. If you want to record, I’ve got a digital camera. I insist on writing the dialogue though
26. I’m won’t do the “bend-over-boyfriend thing” but you can stick your finger in my butt if you wish. I won’t try to guilt you about trying anal sex.
27. You don’t need to be perfect. I’m not. Though I prefer thinner women.
28. My coworkers called me self-absorbed the other day. I replied that it reminded me of the time where I was having sex in my rotating bed and I was checking out my hair in the mirrors and this girl said, “you are so self-absorbed.” Truth be told, we were making a movie with my camera and I thought that I wanted my hair to look good. I had written some great dialogue and I was filming this movie. I had forgotten to check my hair before I started to “roll film” and I was just making sure my hair looked good. What’s the big deal?

NUDE PICTURES SENT TO ME will be used in fantasy masturbation scenarios. Just warning you...

Corporeal Compatibility Consideration, Cultivating Connections

Riffing on a guy (who deleted his post before I could archive it) while trying something new...illiteration!

I am concerned about considering my corporeal compatibility with a comely coquette I chance upon Craigslist. I am clever, comical, committed, charming, and cute. I covet coming across a comely coquette with consistent characteristics, and I crave our connection to consider carnality continually. If we are corporeally/carnally compatible, we can continue our criminally carnal courtship clear of the commencing “catechization.” Of course, and did I cite my first-class coition capabilities.

So you can be considered for this chance, please:

1. Be a comely coquette
2. Quarter conveniently close (Adams Morgan)
3. Convey a copy of your countenance.
4. Construe your constitutional characteristics if the copy of your countenance isn't complete

Cheers,
Craig

Fantasy

So many fantasies...(permalink).

I am a single guy but also have this fantasy that involves having sex with an attractive woman before I die.

Are you one of them?

For the love of God, deflower me….


He gets letters:

"Hi, I was bored and reading craigslist. i just wanted to say hi and that you're cute, i seriously cant believe that you're a virgin. well ok, bye"

hey ladies

Just reading between the lines here...(permalink).

hey ladies what's up? im a 6' 170 lb. male with poor grammar and punctuation skills.. just "looking" for a good time.. "sex" is a plus: but by no means is "required"; im just looking for an attractive, fun, fit female who shares similar interests as me.. my "main" interest is "sex"! send me your 'pic' and ill send you "mine"? im not "built" or "athletic", definetly not "super large".. and not "super small" either.. hopefully you can accept "that".. perhaps we could meet up and discuss our main interest, which is "sex."

ONE ARM AWAITING TO EMBRACE HEAVEN !

What in god's name is his title supposed to mean, anyway (permalink)?

With my other arm I am practicing mime!!!I I'm trapped in a box! Now I'm walking against the wind!!!!! Now I'm climbing a rope ladder, though now I need both arms for this mime. About me other than my impressive mime skills? I am very passionate and love life. Being originally from Michigan, I've been known to wear flannel. I am still learning about women everyday. Did you know that women you've just met didn't like it when you groped their breasts in public? I didn't...until last night that is. Ouch! That sure hurt. Like most men, I have room for growth. Currently I am composing a toccata for the jew's harp, designing toile with scenes from the marriage of Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey, and I just finished a book called, "How to be an Adult in Relationships" written by this guy David Richo. I've been practicing "letting go of ego" which he recommends, and frankly, is probably a useful skill to have for a guy looking for a woman. I am 6'1" and 170 lbs of pure fella and looking for women of all age groups as long as those groups are younger than me. To be fair, you've seen mine, please show me yours!