Super Premium Vanilla seeks Decadent Flavored Swirl

Nobody does a weird metaphor better than I do (permalink).

Indulge yourself in my creamy decadence. Savor the sweet without the sacrifice and enjoy it all knowing there's no sugar added! It's a situation fraught with joyosity when flavors mix and melt together and that's what I'm searching to do with you...your flavors twist and swirl around my vanilla base...caressing me with your coffee fudge, strawberry, or hazelnut swirl. Raspberry or double vanilla also ok... you know what I am about...we're both looking for a long term relationship and the passion between us finds you on top again and again.

I'm a romantic at heart... how about you? And I'm only 3 net carbs...what about you?

George looking for his Martha

Only for the literarily delusional. I want to disguise myself as an animal and rape you? I don't get it (permalink).

If you're a spoiled, self-indulgent, willful, dirty-minded, liquor-ridden bi-atch who is loud and vulgar and you wear the pants in the house because somebody's got to, then you’re for me!

I'm a single white male who is looking for a relationship with an open minded female.

- You can drink me under any goddam table.
- You are an Earth Mother and we’re all flops
- I make you puke
- I will hold your hand when it's dark and you're afraid of the boogeyman and I will tote your gin bottles out after midnight so no one can see but I will not light your cigarette.

Oh, and you might want to wear something stain resistant on our date.

I look forward to hearing from you!

Oh, I’m also 6’ and about 172 lbs of sweet sweet lovin’.

He gets letters:

"I'm just responding to tell you how funny this was to me. You have a great since of humor, hope someone gets it. Good luck."

Ex-Playa Who Has Matured

Two arms waiting to embrace heaven guy has a new schtick. He's no longer a player....(permalink).

Are you a young professional woman who is: thin, nice legs, wicked smat, sense of humor, etc. You are hot on the outside and hot on the inside. You’re looking for tall, brooding glasses guy who doesn't play games. I'm a former playa that's ready, willing & able to be in a healthy, happy and committed relationship! My E.Q. is now at the same level as my I.Q. We could rent “An Affair to Remember” or “Love Story.” Interested?

6'1"
170 lbs.
Single.
No bull poop.

Here’s my pic.

Let Me Be the Keeper® Menstrual Cup that catches your menses

Let me be the weirdo that proffers a really bad metaphor (permalink)...

Even if you don't menstruate due to low body fat....I hope you can still consider....as my main objective is to please you in your knowledge that I am a guy that is not afraid of your cycle.

37 WM 6-1, brown eyes, in average shape. Enjoys a lady who knows that the smooth surface of the Keeper® menstrual cup allows the mucus membranes of her vaginal wall to continue their essential cleansing and protective functions.

Let me know if interested.

"Anybody want to get some ICE CREAM?" ?????

I scream, you scream (permalink), we all scream (permalink) for ICE CREAM!!!


Is that what the kids are calling it these days? If so, I too would like to get some "ice cream." "Two scoops." "Cup," not "cone."

Bonobo love.

I find it particulary irritating that some of these posters write these silly ads where I can't figure out if it's meant as a paean to monogamy and other traditional family values in order to assist them in scoring with chicks or just a simple admiration of swan love (permalink). I suppose it is the former...blech. At 40 I think you should know better...


Isn't it wonderful that Bonobos, or pygmy chimpanzees, usually mate like crazy and aren't monogamous? The species is best characterized as female-centered (which I'm totally OK with) and egalitarian and as one that substitutes sex for aggression. Whereas in most other species sexual behavior is a fairly distinct category, in the bonobo it is part and parcel of social relations. Their hot monkey love-making habits have inspired me for at least the last hour or so. Would you like to be my sex obsessed pygmy chimpanzee? 

I am a common marmoset

Even more a la the I am an onion guy...

I am a common marmoset.

I am a small, highly active mammal with a gastrointestinal tract adapted to enable caecal fermentation.
I am the smallest nonhuman primate commonly used in biomedical research.
In the wild I eat a varied diet which includes fruit, insects, lizards, eggs, small birds and the gum or exudates of trees.
I have fluffy white ears and will throw my poop at you.
My genus is Callithrix, but spell-check would change this to “Clitoris” if I let it.

Don't ask me to change, I am after all, a common marmoset.

I am a Grenache varietal grape

More a la the I am an onion guy...

I am a Grenache varietal grape

I produce high yields when given plenty of irrigation in warm climates
I’m widely planted in South Australia, particularly in the Barossa Valley and McLaren Vale wine regions.
I make a very good rose and I am also used as blending material, particularly with Shiraz and Mourvedre varietals.
As a rose I go well with barbeques, but I am certainly not out of place with the best cuts of meat.
For a special summer treat try me like that with tapenade or a few grilled sardines.

Don't ask me to change, I am after all, a Granache varietal grape.



He gets letters:

"Bravo! Bravo! Eloquent and hillarious."

I am Ngapi-Jaw

I think I need a new schtick...

I am Ngapi-Jaw

I am a stir fried concoction containing chiles, garlic, onions, dried shrimp and fermented shrimp paste.
You make the paste with a barrel of dead fish and salt and let it set in the sun.
Now and then you press a board down on the stuff and collect the goo that comes out.
In Thailand I'm known as Kapi and in Indonesia I'm known as Blachan.
While you're making me, your house will reek of dead and rotting fish.

Don't ask me to change, I am after all, Ngapi-Jaw.

I am Welsh Rarebit (L-B-C version ya'll). Holla.

Maybe I can make myself more hip for "five feet of fury.

I'm Wizzle Rizzle

I am a chizzle sizzle comprizzle of buttizzle flour, Dizzle mustizzle Worcizzle sizzle sizzle pizzle bizzle crizzle hot sizzle and chizzle.
I am sizzle ovizzle toizzle ryizzle brizzle.
In thizzle Wizzle tonguizzle I am cizzle Cizzle.
You’ll enjoy eizzle mizzle in thizzle wizzle bizzle.
I am a bizzle hizzle I am wizzle chizzle crizzle soizzle brizzle goodnizzle.
I tizzle only 15 mizzle to prizzle and yizzle four sizzle as a sizzle dizzle.
Thizzle food nizzle dot com rizzle my dizzle lizzle as “Eizzle."

Don't ask mizzle to chizzle I am aftizzle all, Wizzle Rizzle.

I'm Welsh Rarebit

For "five feet of fury," today I thought I'd also be a vegetarian dish.

I'm Welsh Rarebit.

I am a cheese sauce comprised of butter, flour, Dijon mustard, Worcestershire sauce, salt, pepper, beer, cream, hot sauce, and cheese.
I am served over toasted rye bread.
In the Welsh tongue I am called Caws-Wedi-Pobi.
You’ll enjoy eating me in the winter because I am a bit heavy.
I am warm cheesy creamy soaked bread goodness.
I take only 15 minutes to prepare and yield four servings as a side dish.
The food network dot com rates my difficulty level as “Easy.”

Don't ask me to change, I am after all, Welsh Rarebit.

I'm a Tootsie Pop®

Someone (see below) suggested I should now be a Tootsie Pop®.

I'm a Tootsie Pop®.

I have a hard candy outer layer.
You won’t want to bite into me to reach the center as I am hard and may injure your teeth.
But, you’ll enjoy licking me and licking me until you get to my center.
Just how many licks will it take to get to my soft and chewy center?
It depends on a variety of factors such as the size of your mouth and the amount of saliva you can muster.
But when you do you'll get a chewy chocolaty treat when you get to the inside of me.

Don't ask me to change, I am after all, a Tootsie Pop®.



He gets letters:

"Yes, I laughed. Loudly, too. I love the ad! I wonder what the onion guy thinks of your ads. Does anyone ever e-mail you to complain about you spoofing their ads? BTW, a woman in the W4M section included your Ariyan baby making Jesus ad in her list of M4W ads that she thought sucked. She didn't get that it was a joke. Which, of course, makes it even funnier."

I'm a Twinkie®

This guy? He's an onion. Me? I'm a Twinkie®.

I'm a Twinkie®.

I have a spongy yellow outer layer.
You'll want to bite into me to reach the center.
But, you’ll enjoy biting into me because of my spongy yellow outer layer is made of a cake-like substance.
You'll probably want to not eat me all of the time as I’m highly caloric.
You'll get a creamy delicious treat when you get to the inside of me.

Don't ask me to change, I am after all, a Twinkie®.



He gets letters:

"Good Twinkie ad. How about how one about many licks to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?"

Kisses Like Butterflies

Awash in bad similies and metaphors...

I want to spend time with a woman who I can talk to all night about anything until we are kicked out of the bar and quite possibly required to take breathalyzer tests to avoid spending a night in lock-up. We know that we are into each other by the way are eyes are on each other like a Mary-Kate Olsen’s on a Big Mac®.

Her kisses are butterfly kisses. Like the way a butterfly kisses the windshield of my Toyota as we cruise down 95 and we stick to the seats making out and talking more about our dreams, lives, and favorite countries wondering how we can get there in August. I tear at her blouse like a man, perhaps even me, who is excited to receive his UPS package from Amazon.com. His Star Wars Box Set has finally arrived! My member becomes hard. Not hard like the former Chilean Dictator Augusto Pinochet, but rather hard like when you accidentally bang your elbow on your desk.

Let's make this spring and summer the start of our plans. Please send a pic and I will extend the courtesy as well.