George looking for his Martha

Only for the literarily delusional. I want to disguise myself as an animal and rape you? I don't get it (permalink).

If you're a spoiled, self-indulgent, willful, dirty-minded, liquor-ridden bi-atch who is loud and vulgar and you wear the pants in the house because somebody's got to, then you’re for me!

I'm a single white male who is looking for a relationship with an open minded female.

- You can drink me under any goddam table.
- You are an Earth Mother and we’re all flops
- I make you puke
- I will hold your hand when it's dark and you're afraid of the boogeyman and I will tote your gin bottles out after midnight so no one can see but I will not light your cigarette.

Oh, and you might want to wear something stain resistant on our date.

I look forward to hearing from you!

Oh, I’m also 6’ and about 172 lbs of sweet sweet lovin’.

He gets letters:

"I'm just responding to tell you how funny this was to me. You have a great since of humor, hope someone gets it. Good luck."

Snippets of a Relationship - 2.0

Retread and Update...

Driving day-trips down leaf-covered country roads, me driving and singing along off-key, at the top of my voice to Belle and Sebastian, Rilo Kiley, and Neko Case. You laughing at me, hair in the wind, bare feet up on the dash. Me screaming at you, “Get your fucking feet off my dash. The upholstery is light beige you know…”

Me, “No, we’re not lost. And no, I’m not stopping at that gas station for directions.” You, arms crossed and scowling…

You, “Why do have to be so passive aggressive?” Me, later, cleaning the toilet with your toothbrush…

You, “Let’s go see Dream Girls tonight.” Me, “You’re joking, right? Right? Right?”…

Us having sex. Me behind. You, “Ow! Watch it. I told you no anal.” Me, lying, “Sorry. It was an accident…”

Again, us having sex. Me behind. Me, “Boy, that is one big pimple. Does it hurt?” Me, poking at it with my index finger.

You, getting dressed. Me. Groping your breasts. You, putting on your make-up. Me, groping your breasts. You, driving. Me groping your breasts. You, watching The Office. Me, groping your breasts…

Me, “Ever seen a one-eared elephant?” You, “No.” Me, turning the pocket of my jeans inside out while my penis is hanging out of the fly. Your mother not looking very amused…

Breakfast before work. You complaining about something work related and seeking comfort. Me providing constructive advice. You getting angry. Me saying “What?”…

Reading to/doing crossword puzzles with each other in bed. I fart and pull the covers over your head, trapping you underneath. Me laughing. You really pissed off…

You, “The computer is crashing again. Were you looking at porn?” Me, again lying, “It’s not me. It’s that damn Microsoft. Let’s get a Mac…”

Me, “Wanna have sex?” You, “I’ve got my period.” Me, “How about a blow job then?”…

Cooking together, me telling you to get out of my kitchen, you’re not doing it right, you sulking and watching the TV, trying not to cry...

Shopping together, you trying on 14,000 different pairs of jeans, me holding your purse getting really fed up, wishing I was anywhere but here, but preferably watching a football game...

If my idea of a great relationship can be condensed into a series of non sequiturs, these would be some of the images you might see. I’m 6’ and 172 and pure fun. I’d prefer a woman with her head screwed on straight, but never having actually met one, I’m not too picky in that department.

He gets letters:

"that is one of the most interesting ads ever. Well, not all of it -the part where you are cleaning the toilet with the toothbrush sounds really really scary eeew eeww!"

"your ad made me simultaneously want to kiss you and throttle you. i hope its the former and not the latter though. drinks, hookah, soup?"

Looking for a Woman Beautiful on the Inside as She is on the Outside

Of course I'll want to make sure...



He gets letters:

"LMAO too cute.....at least its not the COLD metal variety!"

"have no idea what your game is but your post cracked me the hell up! thanks for the laugh."

~flagged and removed by the craiglist community~

Romantic, Cuddly Fella Seeks Heat Generation Opportunities

It feels like 105 with the heat index. Lets cuddle! I'm a big, fat, sweaty guy! And unlucky at love! (permalink).

I'm a 37 year old professional living and working in the DC area. I admit that I have posted on CL before. I have also been on match.com, e-harmony, Yahoo! personals, True.com, American Singles, MyeMatch.com, DateCam.com, WebDat.com, Great Expectations, iMatchup.com, OverThirtySingles.com, PerfectMatch.com, Chemistry.com, Fitness-Singles.com, J-Date (though not Jewish), Salon.com, Nerve.com, Adult Friend Finder, the Furry Web-Ring, etc. I’ve even been to local sex addiction support groups to meet women, but still I haven't met anyone worth more than a couple dates. So here I am, looking for that special someone once again.

I have a lot to offer someone. I am romantic, I like to cuddle, AND my A/C is broken. So maybe you’d like to come over to my place, crawl under my big down comforter and just cuddle and cuddle and cuddle. Or maybe you’d prefer to “work out” instead, if you know what I mean. Do you? You do, right? I hope so.

I’ve got plenty of Gatorade®.

SWM seeks meek and mild doormat with an accent or a “lady”

Just a couple guys looking for non-American women (permalink) or Asians only (permalink). Probably the same guy...

Hi “ladies” my name is Mr. “BananaHammock,” 37&single. I just moved here from the
mid-west about 10 years ago and I am looking for a pushover foreigner with poor English skills and a submissive outlook: a “lady” and I did say "lady" to be my house frau.

If you are “Asian,” “European (but not German--they can be real pushy),” “Middle Eastern,” or “Canadian,” etc., be anything but “American” and we will hit it off splendidly. I treat “ladies” exceptionally well. I will define the word “lady.” A “lady” is NOT a whiny, complaining, overweight “American” woman. A “lady” is “lady-like” and “poised,” no hobbies or interest that don’t involve me as the subject of your hobby or interest, because that would make you interested in things other than me, which is of course “unpoised” and “unlady-like.” A “lady” knows how to leave me “replete” with “sensuosity.” A “lady” also talks only when spoken to because a “lady” doesn’t have her own opinions. A “lady” with opinions isn’t a “lady” because I have all the opinions she needs. Females with too many opinions and too much to say about too many topics (“unladies”) are obviously not thinking enough about me and you will fit into the overweight, whiny, complaining, American woman category, basically meaning that you are not a “lady” but rather a whiny, complaining, overweight American and I simply am not interested. An “unlady” is what you are. No body piercings or tattoos (unless tribal as a result of your upbringing outside of America), no fat, no raised in America, no brains, no drama, no opinions. American women are like that and American men don't like that. Trust me. What? Would I lie? I better not be hearing an opinion…..

He gets letters:

"U are funny – so serious"

" You rule dude! If you find her, and she has a sister who needs citizenship, lemme know."

"I am a lady from a mixed middle easter and east africa where one civilization existed for a long time the land of Aida. However, in simple words, am in a good shape and exercise often about 5 times if not more for a short time, i love to cook and eat healthy. I like normal guy with not too much opinions and complains all the time, in short not a negative person. Height is important if you are less than 5'6'' you might be intimated, as am 5'10''..

well, what you have said needs more explanation, i kind of got what you need to say but it was a bit confusing, why.. i see you were a bit extreme on some type of women and maybe your experience reflects on what you have said. All is good for now... hit me with e-mail …if i appeal to you a reasonable person .. let's see if we can connect or not...

I will attached pic, when you want me too..

take care i would expect you will receive many junks e-mail from women who heat what you have said...enjoy....."

The Scene...

His Scene. My Scene...

The scene....

You enter Angles in Adams Morgan just before midnight.
Through the dim lights, the sound of screaming drunk frat guys and Journey on the jukebox, you walk to an empty wooden stool and sit down...casually glancing to your left, you notice Him, though before seeing Him, you feel Him
.
Your eyes focus in the dim lights, the bar candles flickering, the mellifluous voice of Stephen Perry…”Ain't always what it's supposed to be, Oh girl you stand by me, I'm forever yours...faithfully.” He's at least 6 feet tall, but shorter sitting down, boney girl arms, and from the eyes you see, a man of depth, a man of passion, a man whose probably had one too many Miller Lites. His brown hair adds the perfect accent to the dancing candle light and shimmers on his lime green leisure suit and yellow buffalo shirt.

It’s the eyes…they capture you with their depth. Instantly you know this man is one of power, purpose, raw sexual magnetism, of, dare I say, taste and being accustomed to the finer things in life. A man who probably knows how to do the hustle as well as the white man’s overbite.

Your casual glance leads your eyes to lap. The bunch of fabric at his crotch leads you to believe this is a guy that uses his penis pump every single day.

Your eyes meet, and despite his boney girl arms, you know his eyes are not those of a frail girly man, but one of mental focus, savage intensity, and strength. A man practiced in the finer arts of man on woman sensuality.

Slight smiles are exchanged and your heart skips a beat when you hear him say a simple “wanna do it in the bathroom?” through his eyes.

You know instinctively He is one of those who has power....the power to hire and fire at will, move objects with his mind, the power to snatch the remote from your hands and channel surf, never landing on a single channel, but cycling through all 150 channels over and over and over and over.

His voice flows across the table past you, as he orders a drink from the waitress. A firm voice this man has...definitely one who commands respect...and who knows how to be in charge. You look at him closer….he must be in his late 20s, but perhaps early 30s…not sure.

You know he is not one to simply charge at every woman He sees. To most he is just a friend, to some a confidant, and to a rare few; more.

A waitress places a drink before you. Puzzled you look up at her since you’d not ordered a thing. With a finger she points to Him. And as smile crosses your face you are momentarily distracted as he deftly slips a Rohypnol into your Appletini.



He gets letters:

"Well played!"

I want to kiss you

Yuck...

I want to kiss you. I want to cup your butt with my hands. I want to press my body against yours. I want to dance my tongue across your lips before slipping it into one of your nostrils. I want my tongue to spend fleeting moments touching yours, moving over your cheeks and into your ears. Then maybe I'll want to lick your forehead and drool in your hair. Then I'll scuff my feet against a rug and then touch the back of your neck becuase I want to feel that little static electric shock that I ALWAYS feel the moment before I kiss somebody.

He gets letters:

"hilllllllarious! i saw that first "i want to kiss you" post and rolled my eyes. some of these guys take this (and themselves) altogether too seriously. bravo and thanks for the laugh -"

Snippets of a relationship

Who says romance is dead?

Driving day-trips down leaf-covered country roads, me driving and singing along off-key, at the top of my voice to Belle and Sebastian, Lloyd Cole and Leonard Cohen. You laughing at me, hair in the wind, bare feet up on the dash. Me screaming at you, “Get your fucking feet off my dash. The upholstery is light beige you know...”

Me, “No, we’re not lost. And no, I’m not stopping at that gas station for directions.” You, arms crossed and scowling...

You, “Why do have to be so passive aggressive?” Me, later, cleaning the toilet with your toothbrush...

You, “Let’s go see Moulin Rouge tonight.” Me, “You’re joking, right? Right? Right?"...

Us having sex. Me behind. You, “Ow! Watch it. I told you no anal.” Me, lying, “Sorry. It was an accident...”

You, getting dressed. Me. Groping your breasts. You, putting on your make-up. Me, groping your breasts. You, driving. Me groping your breasts. You, watching CSI. Me, groping your breasts...

Me, “Ever seen a one-eared elephant?” You, “No.” Me, turning the pocket of my jeans inside out while my penis is hanging out of the fly. Your mother not looking very amused...

Breakfast before work. You complaining about something work related and seeking comfort. Me providing constructive advice. You getting angry. Me saying “What?”...

Reading to/doing crossword puzzles with each other in bed. I fart and pull the covers over your head, trapping you underneath. Me laughing. You really pissed off...

You, “The computer is crashing again. Were you looking at porn?” Me, again lying, “It’s not me. It’s that damn Microsoft. Let’s get a Mac...”

Cooking together, me telling you to get out of my kitchen, you’re not doing it right, you sulking and watching the TV, trying not to cry...

Shopping together, you trying on 14,000 different pairs of jeans, me holding your purse getting really fed up, wishing I was anywhere but here, but preferably watching a football game...

If my idea of a great relationship can be condensed into a series of non sequiturs, these would be some of the images you might see. I think deep down, we're all realists striving to be romantics, but come on...I’m 6’ and 170lbs. I’d prefer a woman with her head screwed on straight, but never having actually met one, I’m not too picky in that department.

He gets letters:

"Well, at least you made me laugh. Thank you for that."

"i really enjoyed your post, it was refreshingly different. i could see
a lot of that - except i will never blame you for looking at porn on
the web, and i would tell you to get out of my kitchen when i am
cooking. who knows, maybe we could even cook together?"

"Not in a yikes sort of scary way, but just as that guy must be pretty entertaining to be around.

And I personally like to be groped in the morning...:-)

Let's get to the selling of me:

Pinot over Chardonnay, beach over city, serenity over drama, smarts over looks, drive over inherited, open minded over close minded, adventurous over boring, laughter over silence, kissing over arguing, afternoon sex over morning sex, Sunday morning talk shows over Monday Night Football, ACC Basketball and Football rules, Washington Post over Washington Times,promptness over tardiness, sunsets over sunrises, short talks with good wine over long talks with bad wine.

That’s me in a nutshell. I should probably add that I sing in the car, bite my nails at times, have a huge collection of granny panties, read over people’s shoulders, can watch VH1 for hours, trying to quit smoking, hate public transportation, know how to do a french dip, know a couple of good curse words."

"My sentiments exactly. You're hilarious. Of course, now that you have written it all down, where's the mystery? We could make up something, I suppose."