Snippets of a relationship

Who says romance is dead?

Driving day-trips down leaf-covered country roads, me driving and singing along off-key, at the top of my voice to Belle and Sebastian, Lloyd Cole and Leonard Cohen. You laughing at me, hair in the wind, bare feet up on the dash. Me screaming at you, “Get your fucking feet off my dash. The upholstery is light beige you know...”

Me, “No, we’re not lost. And no, I’m not stopping at that gas station for directions.” You, arms crossed and scowling...

You, “Why do have to be so passive aggressive?” Me, later, cleaning the toilet with your toothbrush...

You, “Let’s go see Moulin Rouge tonight.” Me, “You’re joking, right? Right? Right?"...

Us having sex. Me behind. You, “Ow! Watch it. I told you no anal.” Me, lying, “Sorry. It was an accident...”

You, getting dressed. Me. Groping your breasts. You, putting on your make-up. Me, groping your breasts. You, driving. Me groping your breasts. You, watching CSI. Me, groping your breasts...

Me, “Ever seen a one-eared elephant?” You, “No.” Me, turning the pocket of my jeans inside out while my penis is hanging out of the fly. Your mother not looking very amused...

Breakfast before work. You complaining about something work related and seeking comfort. Me providing constructive advice. You getting angry. Me saying “What?”...

Reading to/doing crossword puzzles with each other in bed. I fart and pull the covers over your head, trapping you underneath. Me laughing. You really pissed off...

You, “The computer is crashing again. Were you looking at porn?” Me, again lying, “It’s not me. It’s that damn Microsoft. Let’s get a Mac...”

Cooking together, me telling you to get out of my kitchen, you’re not doing it right, you sulking and watching the TV, trying not to cry...

Shopping together, you trying on 14,000 different pairs of jeans, me holding your purse getting really fed up, wishing I was anywhere but here, but preferably watching a football game...

If my idea of a great relationship can be condensed into a series of non sequiturs, these would be some of the images you might see. I think deep down, we're all realists striving to be romantics, but come on...I’m 6’ and 170lbs. I’d prefer a woman with her head screwed on straight, but never having actually met one, I’m not too picky in that department.

He gets letters:

"Well, at least you made me laugh. Thank you for that."

"i really enjoyed your post, it was refreshingly different. i could see
a lot of that - except i will never blame you for looking at porn on
the web, and i would tell you to get out of my kitchen when i am
cooking. who knows, maybe we could even cook together?"

"Not in a yikes sort of scary way, but just as that guy must be pretty entertaining to be around.

And I personally like to be groped in the morning...:-)

Let's get to the selling of me:

Pinot over Chardonnay, beach over city, serenity over drama, smarts over looks, drive over inherited, open minded over close minded, adventurous over boring, laughter over silence, kissing over arguing, afternoon sex over morning sex, Sunday morning talk shows over Monday Night Football, ACC Basketball and Football rules, Washington Post over Washington Times,promptness over tardiness, sunsets over sunrises, short talks with good wine over long talks with bad wine.

That’s me in a nutshell. I should probably add that I sing in the car, bite my nails at times, have a huge collection of granny panties, read over people’s shoulders, can watch VH1 for hours, trying to quit smoking, hate public transportation, know how to do a french dip, know a couple of good curse words."

"My sentiments exactly. You're hilarious. Of course, now that you have written it all down, where's the mystery? We could make up something, I suppose."