George looking for his Martha

Only for the literarily delusional. I want to disguise myself as an animal and rape you? I don't get it (permalink).

If you're a spoiled, self-indulgent, willful, dirty-minded, liquor-ridden bi-atch who is loud and vulgar and you wear the pants in the house because somebody's got to, then you’re for me!

I'm a single white male who is looking for a relationship with an open minded female.

- You can drink me under any goddam table.
- You are an Earth Mother and we’re all flops
- I make you puke
- I will hold your hand when it's dark and you're afraid of the boogeyman and I will tote your gin bottles out after midnight so no one can see but I will not light your cigarette.

Oh, and you might want to wear something stain resistant on our date.

I look forward to hearing from you!

Oh, I’m also 6’ and about 172 lbs of sweet sweet lovin’.

He gets letters:

"I'm just responding to tell you how funny this was to me. You have a great since of humor, hope someone gets it. Good luck."

I think what I think. I hate you all. I hate you all. Including me...

Liberal? Not overeducated enough? Like short dudes? Call me (permalink).

From the title of this post, some would say I’ve seen the movie Zardoz one to many times, but I think I haven’t seen the movie Zardoz enough. Does that make sense? If it does to you, we should talk. If you think there's no such thing as being too gassy, either, we should definitely talk. If you think the movie Zardoz is the greatest movie ever, as well as that Sean Connery is the source of all contemporary wisdom, we should just go ahead and move in together: maybe we should do “it” first. Bonus points if you know the reference in the title! It’s from Zardoz!

Now for my awe-inspiring, jaw-dropping, Zardoz-like, flavoriscious stats: single white guy, 6'1, squishy 170, dark hair & eyes. I have hair. I'm looking a woman with assorted qualities of which I’m not actually certain. Interested? Don't bother spamming me--I won't fall for it! And as Zardoz said, “The penis is evil. The penis shoots seeds, and makes new life, and poisons the earth with a plague of men, as once it was. But the gun shoots death, and purifies the earth of the filth of brutals. Go forth and kill!”

Humbert Humbert had the Right Idea!

Here's to you Mrs. Robinson! (permalink)

Humbert Humbert had the right idea – finding a younger woman for some fun, casual times! Hopefully I won't become nearly as obsessed if you run off with another guy!

Me? I’m a white man in my mid-30s who appreciates exclamation points as well as all that a younger woman has to offer – nice firm buttocks, perky boobs, etc.! I’m seeking a young coquettish white female 25+ for exciting and satisfying times! Please don't be too young as I don't want to marry your mother to get close to you!

Interested in hearing more? Drop me a line!
(photos a plus!!!)

Thanks!!!!


He gets letters:

"Just a brief line to congratulate you on your highly amusing posts. I have enjoyed reading them over the last couple of weeks. Please keep it up. You have an excellent sense of humor. I hope you find your Lolita."

My reading list.

His. Mine. Your thoughts?

Your thoughts?

Robert Greene. The Art of Seduction.

Margo Anand. The Art of Sexual Ecstasy.

Edward Springer, Ed. The Penthouse Letters.

Edward Springer, Ed. More letters from Penthouse

Edward Springer, Ed. Letters to Penthouse III.

George Bataille. Story of the Eye.

David Richo. How to be an Adult in Relationships: The five keys to mindful loving.

He gets letters:

"Interesting Reading List--I have read the first two are FABULOUS! And the last one is good, but not as great as the first 2. The others-- i haven't read.. maybe i should? Another good one is FABULOUS sex- 28 day plan.."

Dressing room sex?

Response to a rather sordid tale of dressing room sex...

Dear Penthouse:

I never believed your letters until it happened to me. I work in retail at a well known clothing store when one day a rather impatient boyfriend was waiting on his girlfriend trying on armfuls of clothing. It was rather annoying since my employer makes me refold the garments a special way, and well, let’s just say it is a big pain in the ass. Anyway, like, it wasn’t nearly as bad as the older married guy had it. OMG he was carrying his wife’s purse!

Anyway, I’m folding this bitch’s clothes she DOESN’T want. Like almost all of them. While I’m doing this I see the boyfriend go into the ladies dressing room and I’m thinking, WTF. So I go over there and knock on the door and stick my head in. I’m like “Hi! I just wanted to make sure you were alright!” They kinda step away from each other as good as they can since the room’s pretty small.

So like he nodded and she smiled back, “Oh, everything’s fine…just wanted his opinion on this dress…be out in a minute!” And I’m like, “OK!” and I shut the door.

Then I hear giggles and sucking noises and I’m like, OMG, they’re DOIN’ IT in there. Yuck. Then I hear her. She’s like, “Oh…my god…” muttering slowly and quietly between deep breaths, “Uhn that…feels g –” And then before long there’s this banging sound on the dressing room walls. I’m thinking maybe I should call security.

Finally they come out and try to leave the dress, but I insisted that they buy it since it was all wet from her and had spots that had to be pre-cum. I barely wanted to touch the thing. Then I ask then if they were interested in anything else and the guys like, “next time, join us.” And I’m thinking like, “No fucking way. You’re both way skanky.”

Signed...

He gets letters:

"That has to be the funniest story I've heard in a long time....you're awesome!!!"

"That you, big boy?"

"You are hilarious. I've been reading your posts daily. And in my book, a witty, hilarious guy is a hot guy :)"