Phone Phun

My ham-fisted attempt at this guy's post (permalink) about anonymous erotic adventures thanks to the wonders of the internets.

If you're like me and feeling horny and restless, why not help each other out by getting some sweet sweet release. Let's start by gmailing back and forth. I'll say stuff like "my erotically touching your boobies is making me hot, hot, hot" and "let's ge sexy with much sexiness" and "I'm getting tingly down below when I caress your buttocks." Then we can move over to the phone and my completely un-sexy, high-pitched voice will take over. You don't even have to say a word, just moan while I stroke by big shaved cock, "Big Red." Mmmm. Big Red.

He gets letters:

"u big?"

Mr. BH is a professional – don’t try this at home*

I'm not sure I am mocking anyone specifically on craigslist with this post and I'm not sure it was terribly well received. I was reading resumes and cover letters sent to the company I work for and couldn't get over just how bad the writing was, that people who want to work for you can sound almost loony at times. So, digging into my big file of resumes that I received for a position that was open in my department last year, I put together the following. All the sentences are as they appeared verbatim (except I changed "Mr. Choi" to "Mr. BananaHammock" and "employee" to "boyfriend")...

Mr. BananaHammock is the boyfriend you’ve been looking for. I have over 12 years of relevant experience. I am a dedicated and determined individual with an eagerness to do well. I understand the level of teamwork, dedication, and professionalism required for long-term success. I am not afraid to put my all into anything. And I mean anything.

Foreign cultures and languages have always been of great interest and value to me. My childhood dreams visualized long trips to foreign lands full of adventures and encounters with unfamiliar customs and strange, even bloodcurdling, people. I am fluent in written and spoken English.

I would be absolutely thrilled to further develop with you and fully commit to the challenges of the position, without hesitating to invest a lot of my time, can-do attitude and passion. I am highly motivated and can type in excess of 55 WPM for long periods of time. Interpersonal communication and speech are also some tricks up my sleeve as they taught me to think beyond basic communication. My other qualifications include integrity, dedication and Adobe Photoshop. References available upon request.

*This post was made from almost 100% recycled resume cover letters that I received last year for an opening in my department. No trees were involved. 

Hello Ladies

I'm not sure there is a story behind this one...

Hello Ladies I'm basically looking for someone to chill with a strap-on and knows knots and stuff pretty well. I've been hoping to find someone to tie up my outrageously big testicles but most girls don't know the difference between a Zeppelin Loop and a Poldo Tackle. Oh and by the way, love the pretty girls but not the fugly girls who think they're pretty but they are really fugly and have a snobby attitude. Me? well.... I graduated from Michigan and UVa and moved here ten years ago. I work in Falls Church as a wakeboard instructor and ear model. There's more and if you're interested I'd love to tell you. 

Seeking Christian Lady who looks at sex as a shameful act against God

Its amazing sometimes where inspiration comes from. Usually it is an extraordinarily bad craigslist M4W poster. Sometimes there are so many of those it is hard to pick one over another. Occasionally they are these wonderful intolerant christian-types that oddly enough are looking on craigslist for their virgin bride. Virgin bride in DC? Hah. Anyway, this post takes inspiration from a female poster today (permalink), seeking a Christian man who sees sex as procreation and means that "no tongues, fingers, thumbs, or any other kind of painful demented sex toy you can think of" can go near her mouth, butt, or other such places. I hope she's a fake poster...

Pics: You get just one this time. It is me with the Redeemer. You can bask in our collective brilliance while I am at work and you are at home, chained to my stove making me a pot roast for dinner.

I believe that the penis belongs in the vagina. Period. I understand that spilling my man-seed in mouths and the buttocks and various sex toys or all over your face or the small of your back is a sin against god (Genesis 38:9 people). Sex is a shameful act against God unless it's for making babies.

YOU: Not a gold-digger. You should revere my man-seed for its one true purpose: baby-making. Must be height and weight proportionate, into sunsets, walks on the beach, intelligent design, intolerance, Christian worship and fellowship, the book of Leviticus, crusading for Jesus, and judging the unsaved. Please no hang-ups or extra baggage.

Psychology note: I am sane and so should you be. I'm a first born and I'm always right. You'll be right too, but only if you agree with me. I like younger girls since they are not completely set in their ways, easier to mold, and with a little corporal discipline will come around to seeing things my way.

Not interested in Catholics, Presbyterians, Methodists, Episcopalians, Secular Humanists, Vegans, Europeans, or any other such cultists who might introduce me to exotic new ideas that might cause me to question my True Christian Beliefs. I will, however, pray for your quick end and a speedy journey to a very hot place, where you will be spending all eternity wishing you were with God’s favorite people rather than roasting in a literal lake of fire, Amen.

ME: I'm 6 foot and 170 lbs with brown eyes and hair. Born-again, never married virgin seeking white female virgin for some godly Christian courtship with the intent of marriage and children over the Internet. I'm extremely well educated and looking to: (1) Go to Church; (2) Save the Unsaved; (3) Go to Church.

Final Note: Any e-mails received with “Jezebel-sounding names,” like A.J. Wick, Rubber Susie, Goddess of Domesticity, Kelvin Pinney, or other made-up sounding names will be, un-opened. I'm not dumb. 

LOOKING FOR MY SOLEMATE™

While some are looking for a soalmate [permalink], whatever the hell that is, I'm looking to reduce muscle fatigue. Ouch...

I'm looking to reduce muscle strain and fatigue by supporting my legs at an optimum angle. Hopefully she will have an adjustable footrest. No doormats...I got pics...send me ur pics...Mr. Bananahammock... 

If you aren't very picky, look here :)

If you are very picky, look here [permalink]. If you are not very picky, look below...

Not sure where to start but I guess when you first meet someone, you first notice the physical so here it is:

36 yrs old, 6'0, 168lbs, naked, soft, white with white skin, underneath my skin I'm all pink and wet (guess we all are), dark brown hair, dark brown eyes, cheek bones, chink, sometimes wear glasses. I love leisure suits, and great flannel shirt and jean combinations so this is how you will find me generally but after work I like to put on t-shirts and sweat pants which goes well with my simulated black leather couch. You will never see me in ass-less chaps however, why spend more then $200 on an article of clothing when your ass is hanging out. Btw, if you want to wear ass-less chaps, go ahead, but please have a nice ass.

After talking to me a little you would find out that I am immature, clueless about women, exhibit no social graces, and that I repeatedly touch myself inappropriately in public. You'll wonder to yourself, “what is that smell?” You will also find that I am pretty much the average guy who posts on craig's list, angry when I don't get my way, a misogynist, emotionally fragile and can make conversation with just about anybody from PhDs on to biker dudes as long as the conversation is about me, my job, or your breasts, however, I never use the word "breasts" in conversation. I use “titties,” “boobies,” or “funbags.” I also have a slightly self-destructive wild side, which you'll probably surmise after my fifth shot of Jägermeister.

By the end of our conversation you will also find out that I don't own, but actually rent, my Adams Morgan compound, that some of my neighbors are kinda creepy, that some of my friends are kind of creepy, that I like to watch movies with lots of nudity (which is probably why I want to talk about your “breasts”), have had a number of longterm unhealthy relationships with commitment-phobes (which I suppose is how I deal with my own commitment issues), and that while I wouldn't mind a long-term relationship, I won't hold it against you if you sleep with me on the first date. And by “sleep” I mean “sex.”

I am a metrosexual in the way that Adam Carolla or Jimmy Kimmel are metrosexual, but I'll watch some chick flick with you if I think I might score with you.

So what I am looking is someone around my age or a bit younger who has commitment issues, doesn't mind a guy who whines from time to time about whatever, like boobies (smaller the better), thinks good etiquette is something for the Emily Post generation. While I could stand to work out more than I do, but since I am a guy, I would expect you to be healthy and in shape, look like a supermodel, and love sex all the time. Smart also helps.

And by the way, I am no longer psycho-friendly...

SWM seeks FWB for hotness replete with eroticity

35 yr old virgin? (permalink)

This SWM would like to meet a woman for a FWB relationship that I promise will be replete with eroticity..I enjoy all types of fun, like me on top, and also lots of hot steamy kinky sex, like you on top.

I am very open minded and well versed in all of the techniques of hot steaminess, including but not limited to dirty talk, spanking, erotic massage, soapy showers, wet t-shirt contests, naked hiking, pole dancing (have own pole!)...

Thanks

I want a girl who will stand before me naked

Or one wearing a short skirt and a loooong jacket (permalink)...

...[who] says, Drink deeply, pilgrim but don't forget there's still a woman beneath this resplendent chemise. And I'll kneel there at the delta, at the alpha and the omega, at the cradle of the river and the seas. And like a blessing come from heaven for something like a second I'll be healed and my heart will be at ease.

Ok, not the best opening for a post but does anyone really want to have anything in life that cannot by summarized by the paraphrasing of a somewhat obscure Leonard Cohen song that seems to be in some respects about the restorative powers of cunnilingus?? My face on your crotch?? It is a great look though. : )

Anyway, to the point of my post…
The “short skirt and a loooong jacket” guy posts the same post so frequently, I figured he must be raking in the chicks. And then I figured he must have stumbled upon a winning formula, so here goes...

I am a swm, professional, educated (only grad degrees) have lived in the area for a while but at times feel like I've been living here all my life. Snarky, somewhat gooey, dark hair, brown eyes, not a gym rat by a long shot, although yesterday lost 5lbs as the result of stomach flu. I'm well read and love to travel, jaded and bitter, and deadly serious. And for you ladies that like guys that are “bad,” I'm bad. And dangerous. Professionally, I am beginning to hate my new job.

So that is me… what about you? Ideally, you would be attractive, intelligent, height / weight proportionate, outgoing and love to laugh, read and travel. Oh psychos, commitment-phobes, and the depressed find me almost irresistable.

Uncertain if anyone other than guys frequent this site but should you be of the female variety of guy and if you share an appreciation of any of the above, please drop me a line.

Please send a pic of yourself or some “barely legal” porn chick. This seems fair as attraction is important (just being honest) and sometimes fantasy is better than reality. Bonus points if you really are a “barely legal” porn model.

I'm still looking for a woman who can drive my stick

I love these laundry list romances (perm link)...

I'm a 6’1” tall, 168 lb. SWPM with brown eyes and hair looking for a SWPF.

In addition to being able to handle my manual transmission (double entendre totally intended), here are my “user requirements” for any potential girlfriend candidates out there...

A charm school graduate. Bonus points if you’re actually using it.
An I.Q. Around 169+.
Knowing the difference between hirsute and her suit.
Knowing the difference between bear, bare, and barre.
Knowing the difference between sebaceous, sagacious, and salacious.
An appreciation of me.
Thin and attractive. I’m looking for a supermodel or someone who’s anorexic.
Not hung up on political correctness.
No children.
Drug and disease free.
Worship of me would be helpful.
Look good in a pair of jeans, just thinking you do doesn't cut it.
Low maintenance; I'm lazy.
An interest in the dark arts (I’m into witchcraft, alchemy, and marketing; one of them I do professionally, and the others are more of a hobby).

All other traits are debatable, and will be considered on an individual basis.

My picture below is a few years old, and, judging by my expression, was taken right before I pooped myself. Despite the fact that I am not wearing my glasses in it, I pretty much look the same today. A picture is not required at present, but would be nice to have in the future, and I’m not averse to the idea you painting a picture of yourself with words. So get writing!

He gets letters:

[From original poster]"You are a jackass. Come up with your own ad, instead of plagarizing someone else's, you douche bag! Oh wait, you said you're in marketing... I guess all that you know how to do is plagarize. Jerk."

"Loved the parody thread. Especially the part where you described your pic."