Mr. BananaHammock, looking for love, cover letter style*

My second cover letter craigslist vanity post. All I can say is that there is no shortage of bad cover letter writers in the metro DC area...

Your open position is an excellent match to my credentials, as I believe I have the skills, knowledge and background to effectively fill the position. Not only does my previous experience make me a shoe-in for this position, but I have passion, initiative, and ambition that would make me a worthy investment for you. I have a pleasant and positive personality and most importantly, I am a team-player. I exhibit professional and courteous behavior. I am highly competent in utilizing various automated systems and software programs to include Microsoft Office. I am also a very fast learner who loves a challenge, and one that will show you exceptional work.

Working with numbers for a long time is not mentally challenging as to using tactic in different areas is the challenge I seek. I am extremely efficient in making decisions, resolving conflicts, and developing relationships. I am always eager to learn new things and always extended myself beyond the basic requirements; therefore, I am committed to striving for excellence through diligence and careful attention to detail.

My core competencies include computer literacy, legal terminology, document control, quality assurance and client satisfaction. I am familiar with modern grammar rules, spelling, usage, and copy editing marks. I possess excellent time-management skills and have demonstrated goal-driven ability to motivate others with creative initiative and extreme attention to detail. I am able to operate motor vehicles and have a valid DC drivers license.

References available upon request.

*This ad is comprised solely of exact excerpts from resume cover letters sent to Mr. BananaHammock. Hopefully it will do more for Mr. Banana Hammock than it has done for them.

Mr. BH is a professional – don’t try this at home*

I'm not sure I am mocking anyone specifically on craigslist with this post and I'm not sure it was terribly well received. I was reading resumes and cover letters sent to the company I work for and couldn't get over just how bad the writing was, that people who want to work for you can sound almost loony at times. So, digging into my big file of resumes that I received for a position that was open in my department last year, I put together the following. All the sentences are as they appeared verbatim (except I changed "Mr. Choi" to "Mr. BananaHammock" and "employee" to "boyfriend")...

Mr. BananaHammock is the boyfriend you’ve been looking for. I have over 12 years of relevant experience. I am a dedicated and determined individual with an eagerness to do well. I understand the level of teamwork, dedication, and professionalism required for long-term success. I am not afraid to put my all into anything. And I mean anything.

Foreign cultures and languages have always been of great interest and value to me. My childhood dreams visualized long trips to foreign lands full of adventures and encounters with unfamiliar customs and strange, even bloodcurdling, people. I am fluent in written and spoken English.

I would be absolutely thrilled to further develop with you and fully commit to the challenges of the position, without hesitating to invest a lot of my time, can-do attitude and passion. I am highly motivated and can type in excess of 55 WPM for long periods of time. Interpersonal communication and speech are also some tricks up my sleeve as they taught me to think beyond basic communication. My other qualifications include integrity, dedication and Adobe Photoshop. References available upon request.

*This post was made from almost 100% recycled resume cover letters that I received last year for an opening in my department. No trees were involved.