Mr. BH is a professional – don’t try this at home*

I'm not sure I am mocking anyone specifically on craigslist with this post and I'm not sure it was terribly well received. I was reading resumes and cover letters sent to the company I work for and couldn't get over just how bad the writing was, that people who want to work for you can sound almost loony at times. So, digging into my big file of resumes that I received for a position that was open in my department last year, I put together the following. All the sentences are as they appeared verbatim (except I changed "Mr. Choi" to "Mr. BananaHammock" and "employee" to "boyfriend")...

Mr. BananaHammock is the boyfriend you’ve been looking for. I have over 12 years of relevant experience. I am a dedicated and determined individual with an eagerness to do well. I understand the level of teamwork, dedication, and professionalism required for long-term success. I am not afraid to put my all into anything. And I mean anything.

Foreign cultures and languages have always been of great interest and value to me. My childhood dreams visualized long trips to foreign lands full of adventures and encounters with unfamiliar customs and strange, even bloodcurdling, people. I am fluent in written and spoken English.

I would be absolutely thrilled to further develop with you and fully commit to the challenges of the position, without hesitating to invest a lot of my time, can-do attitude and passion. I am highly motivated and can type in excess of 55 WPM for long periods of time. Interpersonal communication and speech are also some tricks up my sleeve as they taught me to think beyond basic communication. My other qualifications include integrity, dedication and Adobe Photoshop. References available upon request.

*This post was made from almost 100% recycled resume cover letters that I received last year for an opening in my department. No trees were involved.