For the love of God, someone please date my son!

He's a nice boy.


He gets letters:

"For the love of God, Mom, please get your son off of CL. Buy him a subscription to eHarmony or something. "

Do the men in your life lack romance and sensuosity?

The total package (permalink).

I'm a successful entrepreneur... I paste blue and green glitter, feathers, and colored pipe-cleaners on empty egg cartons and sell them on eBay as jewelry boxes. I am extremely self-confident. I strut to and fro with my chest thrust forward. Other men ask me for advice and directions when they are lost. When I walk into a room, people speak admirably about my style of dress. Women often ask my for fashion tips for the men in their life. Crowds applaud when I parallel park. I am warm. My current body temperature is 0.3 degrees above normal. I am intelligent. I know that the speed of light is 670,616,629.384 miles per hour (in a vacuum of course). I can ask for a beer in several European languages and can say thank you when I receive the beer (which I guess also makes me polite). I am respectful. I won't grope your breasts without first asking for permission. I will call your father sir and I won't smack your mom's buttocks when I meet them. Caucasian, brown eyes, brown hair, 6'1, 169 lbs., totally D&D free, confident without being self-possessed, good cook, big feet, and was once interviewed for a travel magazine who wanted to know how I liked the Parker House rolls at the Parker House in Boston. Photoshopping is a driving force in my life. I'm a dance battler in my private life, an award winning bungee golfer in a past life, and a MAed spy in the house of love in my public life. I won't be refused. I'm waiting for your heart's defection. I embrace the sensibilities of Dr. No. I have a strong reverence those who would surround themselves with sexy femme fatales while attempting to implement an evil plan of world domination.

You are an attractive, fit, intelligent blonde or brunette or redhead. You would delight in feeling the loving touch of a self-confident man of warmth, intelligence, respectulness and any other stuff that I mentioned in the paragraph above.

Would you like to get your hands on a true midwestern transplant? I can show you where I came from on my HAND! A caring adventure of mind and body coupled with a strong midwestern work ethic. I won't stop working until you reach...Bliss..

I'm very willing to entertain you inside and outside your body. I've learned at least four sex moves from the internet and have been practicing them for weeks on myself. Now willing to try them on women. Attractive, fit, intelligent women with hair. Erotic explorations. Affectionate kisses.

... A kiss on your lips.

A kiss on your neck.

A tongue in your ear.

A kiss on your lips again.

Then licking your entire face.

And pinch your nipple with one hand.

Remote control in the other hand.

We can escape the daily grind outside and do our own grinding inside. Converse on sacred spaces. Contemplate the nature of the Universe. Calculate PI. Discuss the TomKat wedding. Express our surprise at the Britney/Kevin breakup (We both thought they'd go the distance). Talk and laugh and hug and play. Roll around and laugh and laugh and laugh. Then start hiccuping. I'll gently stick my fingers in your ears while you drink a glass of water with your head tilted backwards.

Charlie Manson once said, “If you are going to do something, do it well. And leave something witchy.” Here's my pic. I'd love to see your pic. Let's do something.

i work ,i play ,i punctuate poorly .

Ugh (permalink).

i think my shift key is broken , i am 6/1 brown eyes , i am well red . i work . i play . i am very active . i am twitching and bouncing up and down while i write this . i love starbucks . i love barely legal porn . please be some what fit . be also some what barely legal or above . under 6/1 ,also well red , have some what of a job or a trust fund . or an allowance is ok if you are barely legal . no drugs , drinker ok , smoker ok . drama ok . lets have cups of coffee and talk . are thier any nice girls out thier? i just want to start off slow , coffee drinks , alcohol ,quickie in bathroom. i do not want to sit in a loud bar all night with out a quickie in the bathroom . i love to walk , skip , hop , travel , tv sports . swim naked , laugh , movies . are you in hier? am i just wasting my time ? no longer psycho-friendly. also be of qualidy like me.

Sensuous Druidic Massage. Oil. Candles. Human Sacrifice. Free.

Periodic massage poster. Answer only if hot and in shape. No men. No fatties. Totally non-sexual (permalink).

This is totally real. And yes they are totally free. Free tonight after I get back from a friend's Thanksgiving Day celebration. There are no hidden agendas. Non sexual. Just relaxation, pleasure and warmth. Then human sacrifice.

Are you stressed? Are you lonely? Are you female? Do you miss that special touch that makes you feel warm and gives you goose bumps? Are you turned on by guys in long flowing robes? Do round stone temples and phases of the moon make you hot? Have you ever had a slow, sensual, passionate massage with oil? Warmed Oil? With strong hands gliding slowly over your skin? Then ritually sacrificed to the Great Mother? Yes its for real. Yes its free. Email if you have questions.

I have studied under Screechowl and Vixen and I have a lot of experience. Massages last for at least 1 hour. The sacrifice takes only about 10 minutes. Some chanting is involved. Please feel free to email to ask questions, etc.

I have several choices of oil (lavender, Bergaamot Mint, and Myrtle Lemon), incense that while inspire high levels of eroticity, and Ray Best's “Celestial Touch” CD. I have edible body dusts that I can lick off you if you wish. Your choice. I have arousal balms for your nipples and genitals. I have a box of Franzia chilling in the fridge if you desire adult libations. Please be literate, attractive, and thin. I am for real. “Boundaries” is my middle name. Actually it is Matthew but I can bring you high levels of arousal while still respecting any boundaries you might have. Please don't have many boundaries.

I don't do this with just anyone. You must be hot. Please don't respond if you are overweight. The Great Mother would not accept the offering otherwise. I can be discrete if you want me to be. Talk to you later.

SWM for Arm Candy Pretend Wife to Take to T-Day Supper with my Parents

Turkey-Day Special!!!

Well...I'm not all alone, I do have my folks to celebrate with, but my mom bugs me all the time about being married, having kids, you know? So the other week I tell her I'd eloped a couple of months ago, not really thinking about the consequences, i.e. the holidays. So they've come to town for Thanksgiving weekend.

I'm looking for attractive and intelligent woman, height weight proportionate. Maybe someone with a good job. Or can make something up about a cool job. Also someone with values. I've got strong values.

Well that's good enough for now. Anybody who's interested go ahead and email me. Dinner is at 4PM. Talk to you soon, pretend arm candy wife!

Did You Ever Want Your Own ATM????!!!!

New fetish in da house...word (permalink).

Not a problem.

Just swipe your card in my ass and out from my mouth pop crisp twenty dollar bills. No foolin'.

A $2.00 convenience fee may apply.

Fraught with rich orgasmy goodness

Many thanks to a colleague in snark for pointing out this loser (permalink)...

A connoisseur of bed music and intense man on woman sensuosity.

I'll play you like "Hambone" Lewis from Will Shade's Memphis Jug Band. Using your vulva as an embouchure, I'll blast out tunes like “The Lindberg Hop,” “The Gator Wobble,” and “Insane Crazy Blues” by buzzing my lips directly into it. Your vagina will become a resonating chamber to amplify and enrich the sound made by my lips. I have about a two octave range.

Sure I know a thing or two about making music using reproductive organs, but you wouldn't want a guy that's going play your crotch like a jew's harp.

I like thin and cute, boob size unimportant. Music lovers appreciated.

Don't be shy!

Body, Mind, Spirit & Virtually no Ego: Man of Substance Here

There's always one of these fellas lurking around craigslist (permalink)...

I am an extraordinarily powerful yet sensitive man. Yesterday I saw “Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants” and I silently wept for poor, poor Bailey. I can bend the will of other men with my icy stare, yet I needlepoint pillows with sayings like “Bless this House” and “Bless this Mess” and “Down with Negativity.” I've designed my own toile with scenes based on the life of former Creed frontman Scott Stapp. I am man of intelligence, character, and extreme potentency. I've personally calculated pi out to seven decimal points without the aid of a calculator. I am working on a novelization of the recent "Chronicles of Narnia" film which I intend to have published by Viking press. I am a seducer of enormous skill. I am a spy in the house of love, gathering clues to be used in the war of affections. The laws of physics don't apply to me. I am seeking my lifetime romantic partner.

A successful entrepreneur, I invent new uses for old things by screwing skateboard wheels on them, covering them with with red and silver glitter, and selling them on eBay. I enjoy both the finer things (composing symphonies, writing poetry, and creating dances that will become the new craze in country bars) and simple pleasures (calculating the speed of things, making soup from scratch, training in bungee massage). I maintain a rebellious spirit. I own a button that says “has a problem with authority.” My appearance and lifestyle are equally as rebellious (I've been known to angrily shake my fist and sneer at authority while wearing my Che shirt and brown Chucks). I temper my rebelliousness with wisdom, common sense and great quantities of alcohol which makes me kind of lazy. I'm health and fitness conscious, but not so much that I want to work out; educated, and willing to lord my intelligence over you; active, but mostly in my apartment; communicative, but unwilling to listen unless you want to talk about me. Not having sex in nearly a year, I am basically desperate enough to explore fantasies and build a shared life without limits with some anonymous woman from craigslist as long as she is reasonably attractive and fit.

If you relate strongly and specifically to this ad, I want to hear from you right away. I don't expect a lot of replies - only one or two crazy chicks who want to go out tonight, a few spammers who want me to look at their yahoo profiles, and a Russian woman who is looking for “qualidy amarican man.” If you are funny, brave, sexy, super-smart and self-aware, why are you on craigslist anyway?

Much more coolerer than any others here. Especially that BH weirdo

Could he be talking about moi? (permalink)...I suppose it is possible.

Especially that one weirdo. Mr. Banana Hammock or something. C'mon. You can't ride metro topless!!!!

For me? I'd like to think I'm Mr. Rick Marshall, longing for the dead Mrs. Marshall, who was beautiful and headstrong. Hey I can see many of her qualities in Holly. . .but I'm probably more like Will. He is kind of a dweeb. I'm definitely not willing to engage in ANY sexual activity with Sleestaks...

About you. . .hopefully you are attractive and thin, not ugly, not fugly, not a sleestak. Smokers ok. Drinkers ok. In shape good. Well rounded intellectually very good. Possession of pylon crystal matrix tables a plus. I'm looking for a nice girl who isn't going to try to change me. Please be drug and disease free too. Again, no Sleestaks (or Pekuni for that matter -- too hairy, not waxed, yuck).

!!!!!!! Sensual Germano-Franco-Scottish-English Massage for You !!!!!!

Another "shout out" to those of you who want to get women who don't know you to come over to your place so you can rub their tits....

I am an attractive and PROFESSIONAL male with HANDS and am quite good at what I do, which is marketing and communications. That being said, I don’t know the first thing about massage. The experience is likely to be painful, weird, and unfulfilling. I am available after work.

Perhaps your boobies and your butt need attention. Attention in germano-franco-scottish-english sort a way. A germano-franco-scottish way replete with sensuosity. Did I say boobies? If not, maybe they need more attention. Maybe even the tube where the penis goes does also. I can try to help you release all the stress stored in your body so that you feel rejuvenated and cleansed in a complete way, but you’ll probably feel shame and want to leave as soon as possible. And I can try to cultivate this release in a way that enables you to feel whole and valued. I will probably fail at this though as well.

I am very clean and am very respectful of your boundaries. I am very gentle and nurturing but sort of manly. Like a sort of Billy Bob Thornton a la Armaggedon, but not Sling Blade or School for Scoundrels. Like Armaggedon Billy Bob without the leg brace but in slightly worse shape and younger. And sometimes I scream like a little girl. While I would never want to have any sexual contact with my professional colleagues, except for a couple interns in the office, I am sure that you can imagine that from time to time I might like to have a consenting woman receive a free erotic massage. I like boobies. If you are interested, send me an email. I would be happy to hear from you. Please do not be shy if you are younger or smaller. Please, please be shy if you are old and fat. As long as you are an adult. And have boobies.