Best First Date Idea Ever!!! - 36

I think mine sounds like more fun than his (permalink).

It could be a potentially bad idea, but it is worth a shot. I am a SWM, 36, erudite, employed, entertaining, endearing, selectively gentlemanly, blah blah blah.... One half of the reason I decided to post to Craigslist is because I could meet a nice girl, fall in love, get married, have kids, grow old, die, .

The other half of the reason is that I came up with the best first date idea ever and would need to have someone to take on this date. First we agree to meet at this really nice restaurant. I show up late. And drunk. I order for you. I’m rude to the waitress. I’m critical of whatever profession you are in. I mention something about how your butt looks big in whatever you are wearing. Further, I mention something about how I think that the proper role for women is chained to my stove, barefoot and pregnant. Intrigued, you don’t end the date there. From the restaurant we decide to go to a club and dance. We do shots of something. You don’t notice that I’ve slipped a ruffie in your drink, but at this point, it probably doesn’t matter much anyway as I’m probably too drunk to “get it up.” As you start to lose consciousness, I hustle you out of the club and into a cab to my apartment. At this point, I’m passing out, your passed out. We wake up in bed the next morning, both fully clothed, in a puddle of my vomit. You’ll notice that your bra is unhooked though, I’m good at that.

If your are interested let me know. I have never met anyone like this, but it is worth a shot. If you like me, that would be great. If you don't like me, that would be great too.

Ho Hum Looking for Whatever : | - 36

Relatively Good Looking (permalink) vs. Mildly Depressed. Who will find "Whatever" first? Who knows? Who cares? Whatever.

Educated, bored, mildly depressed, likes to complain, 6'1", etc., for whatever with a woman. It can be a one-time thing or a two time thing or whatever; maybe we'll leave the couch; maybe not. I’m single and busy these days but friends think I should seek the company of a woman or whatever. You should like couches and sleeping in late!!! Whatever, we can do that next week or something. Whatever. : Please send a picture or two and tell me what you’d be interested in. 

Oily Massage Fraught With Sensuosity, Devoid of Strings

Last year there were a plethora of offers to perform sensuous massage that seemed to stop until very recently when this fine fellow (permalink) and repeat poster started reposting the same ad multiple times a day with the same mispellings and typos. Sad. Though I admire his confidence, I more than make up for it with my awkwardness. Is there someone out there who might want me to touch them with my oily hands? Anyone?

Are you attractive? Athletic? Fit? Lonely? I can help you feel good. I am an attractive and PROFESSIONAL male with HANDS and am quite good at what I do, which is marketing and communications. That being said, I don’t know the first thing about massage. The experience is likely to be weird and unfulfilling, perhaps even painful. I am available after work.

I can focus on your sacred spaces or just your butt or legs or something. If you want something massaged or touched...just say something like, “Hey, Mr. Banana Hammock. Rub my boobies.” And I'll rub your boobies. It's just that easy. I am a very open person and feel communication is important regarding anything in life, especially if you want something rubbed or touched in a certain way. I have different kinds of oil, candles, and various relaxing CDs like “Thunderstorm in the Wilderness,” “Ocean Surf: Timeless and Sublime,” and “Song of the Humpback” which I purchased from Serenitysupply.com. I can try to help you release all the stress stored in your body so that you feel rejuvenated and cleansed in a complete way, but you’ll probably feel shame and want to leave as soon as possible. And I can try to cultivate this release in a way that enables you to feel whole and valued. I will probably fail at this though as well.

No one has yet to take me up on this offer. While I foresee that I will probably be picky about who I do this with and expect well over 100 women will respond to this ad, I will probably only pick just one or two. They will undoubtedly be hot and youngish with banging bodies bodies. I am very clean and am very respectful of your boundaries. I am very gentle and nurturing but sort of manly. Like a kind-of Val Kilmer from nose to chin. Maybe a gentle and nurturing Lt. Tom 'Iceman' Kazanski if I wore a blindfold and was in better shape. And sometimes I shriek like a little girl if I find something “icky.” I suspect that the massage will be at least one hour in duration with oils, candles, and the New Agey music described above.

I am a guy who just enjoys boobies. I am 6ft and white and sort of built like a marshmallow on stilts. And I have hands. If you are interested, send me an email. I would be happy to hear from you. Please do not be shy if you are younger or smaller. Please, please be shy if you are old and fat. As long as you are an adult. And have boobies.

Bonobo love.

I find it particulary irritating that some of these posters write these silly ads where I can't figure out if it's meant as a paean to monogamy and other traditional family values in order to assist them in scoring with chicks or just a simple admiration of swan love (permalink). I suppose it is the former...blech. At 40 I think you should know better...


Isn't it wonderful that Bonobos, or pygmy chimpanzees, usually mate like crazy and aren't monogamous? The species is best characterized as female-centered (which I'm totally OK with) and egalitarian and as one that substitutes sex for aggression. Whereas in most other species sexual behavior is a fairly distinct category, in the bonobo it is part and parcel of social relations. Their hot monkey love-making habits have inspired me for at least the last hour or so. Would you like to be my sex obsessed pygmy chimpanzee? 

I might be just the guy you're looking for?

He might be just the guy you all looking for. All manner of sensual arts are his mainstay. He is...a masculine single man... (permalink).

Hey there, ladies! {he winks, he gives you the double-barrel point like Isaac on “The Love Boat”}...thanks for reading my profile. If you happen to find me irresistible, which I get often, please feel free to get in touch.

Even though I might be the brilliant, witty, and nice, I am a dark, brooding, and manly single man.

I'm the guy you'll stay up all night with talking about stuff like your breasts, what actresses show their breasts in movies, why Brittany Murphy won’t show her breasts in movies, and how Brittany Murphy is sexier than you. We might even talk about how I was wronged by previous girlfriends. Maybe they didn’t “get” me or I was unappreciated. Or something. I see myself as a commentator on a wide range of subjects of which I have little or no practical knowledge. I will comment forcefully in the areas of science, philosophy, arts, politics, sex, religion and just about any subject under the sun including the weather. And if you contradict me, I will stick to my guns, no matter how wrong I am. If I don’t get my way, I may have a minor tantrum, maybe holding my breath until you acquiesce or maybe I’ll just drop to the ground and furiously pump my fists and legs while I wail and turn beet red. I would characterize myself as a libertine. I consider myself free from restraint, particularly from social and religious norms and morals. I enjoy love-making, but love to fuck.

And if it wasn’t apparent from my previous writings, I'm a terrible, terminal romantic, or in serious need of medication. I’ve cried at movies like “She’s Having a Baby,” “Philadelphia,” and “Happy Gilmore.” You might get a badly written poem, perhaps a haiku or an ode to a part of your body. I might even give you a pearl necklace. And though chivalry seems deceased, I'll be there to defend your honor, joust, and pillage.

I'm looking for someone who can put up with my shit.

P.S. and if you were curious about me physically, I'm 36, 6’1” 169, full head of brown hair, clean shaven, and I'm built like a marshmallow on stilts and I have all my teeth. If you have a pic to trade, you'll get no objection from me.

turbo lover

Oh no, not Poe! (permalink). Judas Priest anyone?

You won’t hear me, but you’ll feel me
Without warning, somethings dawning, listen.
Then within your senses,
You’ll know you’re defenseless
How your heart beats, when you run for cover
Your cant retreat I spy like no other.

Then we race together. we can ride forever
Wrapped in horsepower, driving into fury
Changing gear I pull you tighter to me

I’m your turbo lover
Tell me there’s no other
I’m your turbo lover
Better run for cover

We hold each other closer, as we shift to overdrive
And eveyrthing goes rushing by, with every nerve alive
We move so fast it seems as though we’ve taken to the sky
Love machines in harmony, we hear the engines cry.

I’m your turbo lover
Tell me there’s no other
I’m your turbo lover
Better run for cover

On and on we’re charging to the place so many seek
In perfect synchronicity of which so many speak
We feel so close to heaven in this roaring heavy load
And then in sheer abandonment, we shatter and explode.

I’m your turbo lover
Tell me there’s no other
I’m your turbo lover
Better run for cover

I’m your turbo lover
Tell me there’s no other
I’m your turbo lover
Better run for cover

Who is Samuel "Black" Bellamy

The "Who is John Galt?" guy is back (permalink) still seeking the company of the exceptional female who may have read Atlas Shrugged. I guess it would've been better if I asked "Who is Ragnar Dannesjköld?" but oh well...

If you know the answer to this and other obscure questions then you probably be pirate-lovin', arrrrgh, and booty-lovin' enough for me! Let me debauch you on furniture that I plundered from John Galt....arrgh. All replies are answered. Really more interested in your breasts though, honest!

OH my GOD, Mr. Banana Hammock!!!!

I'm often left speechless. Here is another time it happened. He knows his way around the ladies. He is also hung. Or HUNG. (permalink)

When was the last time you were riding on the bus, perhaps even the number 42 bus, minding your own business when this guy sitting next to you turns to you and slips you the tongue and you were so impressed with his robustness and no nonsense attitude you thought "OH MY God...."? Unable to resist his powerful and big hairy hands, you allow this guy to caress you and touch you and massage your body and you moan "Mr. Banana Hammock, you are so powerful and your touch makes me shiver like a badly tuned diesel engine"? When was the last time you experienced a JUGGARNAUT of hot and erotic MAN ON WOMAN SENSUALITY with a guy who was above average HUNGNESS and owned a tape measure to prove it, incredible staying power when drunk and amazing orgasm control (I promise not to cum in your mouth – not) that left you screaming "RIDE ME MR. BANANA HAMMOCK! MAKING SEX WITH YOU IS HOT! TOUCH MY BREASTS! YEA COWBOY!"?...I am Mr. Banana Hammock...and now is the time - I am a guy with an apartment in NW DC - look forward to hearing from you! (cruel and unoriginal, as one reader described me)

Geniune and Smert Guy Looking to Join Polite Society

Young "open-minded" fella in geniune need of a dictionary seeks the company of a woman. Must have car. (permalink)

Hi, this is my very firstist time doing this sort of thing, but I'm hopeful of the results. I'm not sure how many responses I will get, but I’m so incredibly hopeful that I want to apologize in advance to the literally thousands of you hot ladies for not getting back to all of you. I won’t be able to respond to everyone. A fellas got to be a little picky.

About me: I'm 6'1", brown haired, brown eyed, honest, caring, intelligent, and open-minded. I don't place much stock in standardized tests, since I only got a 1050 on the SATs. Although I did score a 780 on the logic section of the GRE (when they used to have that section) – Spock, eat your heart out!!!! I enjoy movies a great deal. Some of my favorites include: Midnight Plowboy, Country Cuzzins, The Opening of Misty Beethoven, Edward Penishands, and She’s Having a Baby. I also enjoy sports, reading, and video games (among other things).

Being open-minded, I'm looking for an intelligent, attractive, white woman preferably between the ages of 27 and 36 (although I am willing to consider younger women depending on the circumstances, like they are super intelligent, or super attractive or super white). Someone who is comfortable spending Friday nights out on the town or just hanging out at home. Also, a sense of humor is a must - mine tends to run towards the quoting Monty Python side of things.

I ought to disclose some things as well: I'm living with my parents. I don't drive. I don’t have a car. I don’t have a job. I snort when I laugh. My penis is small. I’m a virgin. I am needy and clingy. I whine. A lot. Especially when I don’t get my way. If any of these are dealbreakers, move along. Otherwise I look forward to hearing from all you women out there on the internets!!!!

Lastly: no pic, no response.

He gets letters:

"You are a terrible person, making fun of that Geoge Mason boy. When I first read your post, I thought that you were funny. After I read his, I just realized that you are cruel, and unoriginal!"

"you are mean. but funny."

"I love you Mr. Banana Hammock."

WARNING about this SWM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I tried to do this guy (permalink), but I think his genius was too much for me. Either that or I didn't have a lot of time to devote to it. Or perhaps some people are just beyond satire.

WARNING to all ladies. If you want to go out me, be prepared to have a time like no any other that you've ever had. Period. It's not like going out with any guy you've ever been out with before. Words can barely describe the going out with me experience. But I'll try. Here goes. We go out to dinner - I'll pay. But you better not be ordering no lobster. About me - besides having a full time day job, I read books on the side, download "barely legal" porn and masturbate, and I go to bed kinda early. That keeps me off the streets and out of trouble. Downloading internet porn is a lot of fun. I have a tons of the stuff, internet porn "stuff" that is. I started downloading internet porn a couple of years ago, however - most of my close friends also download internet porn (when were not playing Everquest that is). I'm getting pretty good at "Rockin the House" so to speak. Nowadays, if I am not reading or downloading internet porn - I am generally sleeping, just kiddin. Sometimes I'm watching TV. I'm seriously looking for @#$, since I don't have a chick that gives that up when I want it, but if you're always trippin, smoking, puffing, or drinking I don't care as long as it is in moderation. Never tellin when you're in your right frame of mind might be a problem. You know what I'm sayin . . .

Check out this wild story. I never thought it would happen to me. So I'm in this bar, ok? And there's this totally, totally hot babe, right? Smokin' hot. And like, I've had a few miller lites so I'm all bold, ok? So I order another miller lite and walk over to her, right? Well turns out she's been downing appletinis for the last four hours or so, totally pissed off about some guy, dig? I don't want to hear about the guy, but the situation? I figure I'm in there, totally! I go over all suave and and introduce myself and she, like, totally gives me the once over and smiles! I'm thinking I'm totally in. All the way. She orders a couple more appletinis and we clink glasses and down them. Next thing I know, four or five more appletinis later, she's like, "Let's get out of here." So we take off. We hail a cab and I'm checking her out and she's totally checking me out, ok? Long legs, titties, great ass. Really hot, ok? I mean superfine hottie hottness. Cab takes us to her place, and she invites me up, right? Score! So I'm in the apartment, beer in hand, she's acting all sexy-like. It's hot! My head's spinning, she's totally hot, everything's hot, ok? Next thing I know, it's, like, seven in the morning, my breath smells like vomit, and there's a note pinned to my jacket asking me to lock the door when I leave. I'm still dressed and really have no idea what, if anything happened. How cool is that!

Now I could write a whole lot more and philosophize on dude ladies, lady ladies, woman ladies, tomboy ladies, but I won't. Not today. You probably wouldn't understand it anyway. Besides, I gotta go prep my dinner.

Not saying I am going to get any responses, but if I do - please attach a picture for a reply.

He gets letters:

"lol, ok so why r u on CL??? More pics?"

I'll pay for your Chinese F(o)(o)T Binding

This guy that wants to pay for some nice young woman's b(o)(o)b job (permalink). Yeesh. Me? In my opinion, more than a handful is a waste. The smaller the better I say. Feet included!


Fairly decent looking SWM professional willing to pay for that Chinese foot binding you have been wanting... in exchange for some mutually agreeable number of pre & post foot binding encounters. Can also help you select the foot-binder who will break your small toes and bind your feet in cotton or silk. Respond with photos and what you would be willing to do. Can be discreet if you are currently in a relationship. Small feet!

He gets letters:

"I thought you might think it was funny that someone thought your spoof was a real ad.

http://craigslosers.blogspot.com/2006/02/washington-ill-pay-for-your-chinese.html"

Mr. Banana Hammock is displeased with his reverse commute

I really am becoming disgruntled about my very long reverse commute to and from work. Maybe finding a girlfriend closer to work might help?? Character inspired by the writings of Mark Leyner.

Waking up around six AM this morning in my Adams Morgan compound, I glance up to the mirrors over my bed and take it all in -- muscle mass, density, ripped definition, intensity, stamina, endurance, mental focus, dignity, flair, and humility. I shower. While I am air drying I read the Washington Post and treat myself to a breakfast of Northern Spotted Owl Eggs Benedict with marmoset bacon. I was it down with a glass of breakfast wine.

Dry, I contemplate my morning commute. It has become a lot more complicated since my multinational corporation has moved its base from downtown to Falls Church. I have to get up earlier. I leave the compound earlier. I commute earlier. Once there were tons of lovelies on the Red Line to impress with ripped physique and my finely honed posing: Front Double Biceps, Front Lat Spread, Side Chest, Back Double Biceps, and signature Back Lat Spread. Now there are the half-asleep, the married, the elderly. All of the lovelies are on the opposite platform, waiting for Orange Line trains to take them into DC.

I throw on my Carla Behrle leather pants. No shirt. I grab my New Yorker and I head for the Orange Line, Farragut West to West Falls Church. No lovelies. Just the half-asleep. The married. The elderly. I settle silently into my seat and crack my New Yorker. I begin to think to myself, “Maybe I’m not too much to handle for just one woman. Maybe I could solve all my problems if I could just find one special woman for whom I could pose. Maybe she would live in Falls Church so my morning commute would be shorter. Maybe I should have a Reuben for lunch. The corned beef is made from the finest cuts of baby panda I am told. I sure am hungry. Hmmm.”

Me you ask? Air drying. Eating exotic and endangered animals. Public transportation. Keeping informed. That is what I am about. And if you want to host Mr. Banana Hammock in your Falls Church bungalow Monday-Thursday, you know where to write.

He gets letters:

"Are you a fiction writer wannabe? Your ad must fictional, no one could be that much of a self absorbed asshole as MR. Banana!!!. It made me laugh. If it is true and it's about you, please don't tell me. I live in Falls Church and it would worry me that I might cross paths with you."

Mr. BananaHammock, looking for love, cover letter style*

My second cover letter craigslist vanity post. All I can say is that there is no shortage of bad cover letter writers in the metro DC area...

Your open position is an excellent match to my credentials, as I believe I have the skills, knowledge and background to effectively fill the position. Not only does my previous experience make me a shoe-in for this position, but I have passion, initiative, and ambition that would make me a worthy investment for you. I have a pleasant and positive personality and most importantly, I am a team-player. I exhibit professional and courteous behavior. I am highly competent in utilizing various automated systems and software programs to include Microsoft Office. I am also a very fast learner who loves a challenge, and one that will show you exceptional work.

Working with numbers for a long time is not mentally challenging as to using tactic in different areas is the challenge I seek. I am extremely efficient in making decisions, resolving conflicts, and developing relationships. I am always eager to learn new things and always extended myself beyond the basic requirements; therefore, I am committed to striving for excellence through diligence and careful attention to detail.

My core competencies include computer literacy, legal terminology, document control, quality assurance and client satisfaction. I am familiar with modern grammar rules, spelling, usage, and copy editing marks. I possess excellent time-management skills and have demonstrated goal-driven ability to motivate others with creative initiative and extreme attention to detail. I am able to operate motor vehicles and have a valid DC drivers license.

References available upon request.

*This ad is comprised solely of exact excerpts from resume cover letters sent to Mr. BananaHammock. Hopefully it will do more for Mr. Banana Hammock than it has done for them.

LET'S PLAY WITH APPLETINIS AND RUFFIES

This guy (permalink) is always posting about getting women drunk. Why would that be?

I am becoming bored with the unfun, conservative, buttoned up women of DC who will not have sex with me on the first date lately so might as well try here. I prefer a woman who would like to play with appletinis, ruffies, maybe my xbox, other stuff (fill in what that other stuff might be) at the right time. This is in addition to worshipping me, eating out, and hot kinky sex like you on top. Late 20s to mid-30s who try to stay fit works best for me. Bring the banter too. I will put the ruffies in your appletini when your preoccupied with my xbox.

Are Every Woman On Internets Fat???

Here's a cause I can get behind. No fat chicks! (permalink) He missed a few euphemisms for fat though...

Are every single woman on internets fat? I don’t mean to sound like a total superficial jerk here, but I think every woman on internets is fat. I posted an ad last week and received about a dozen responses. All fat. Although, in my ad, my criteria was very specific and did not include fat women. It said “no fat chicks” at one point and at another point said “please no fattie fattie fat fats.”

I am looking for a woman who is single, and not fat. You don’t have to be wafer thin, just don’t be fat. That means – not fat, bbw, plump, chubby, stout, portly, obese, heavy, large, big, corpulent, cuddly, overweight, chunky, hefty, sizeable, fleshy, rotund, podgy, enormous, lard-assed, a few extra pounds, thick, Rubenesque, athletic, in shape, average, great personality, cute, pretty, attractive, outspoken, passionate, fun-loving, tall, sexy, sweetheart, artsy, sassy, intelligent, drama-free, self-assured, sensual, exotic, witty, sarcastic, unique, laughs easily, funny, smart, into Sci-Fi, or whatever excuse you want to use. God, just don’t be fat. Is that too much to ask?