I'm the most hardcore fat-burning machine I can be. What about you?

Mr. BananaHammock returns...

So this morning I get up, shower, and air dry over my glass of breakfast wine. Naked and air drying, I take my morning supplement, Pump Tech™, which of course has led to even better pumps, jacked up my Nitric Oxide levels, increased my vascular response, and has my muscles blown up like balloons. Also, I take my Hydroxycut Hardcore™, enabling the enzymatic response involved in thermogenesis and the fat-uncoupling process turning me into the most effective and hardcore fat-burning machine I can be.

Before work I decide I need to do some grocery shopping. My refrigerator was recently fixed after being broken for a while and I need to restock. I’ve been tired of eating out every night. It’s going to be a hot day so I slip commando-style into my Carla Behrle leather pants. No shirt. I’m strolling down the aisles at El Safeway with my shopping list and coupons:

ground panda
condor eggs
yak milk
emperor penguin tenderloin
Fresca
pepper jack cheese
Snuggle
peaches
asparagus

The usual. Anyway, I’m over by the condom gulag and I notice this woman noticing me. Noticing my ripped definition. Noticing my muscle mass. Noticing my powerful presence. She’s staring at my crotch and squeezing those peaches to test for firmness I suppose. And drooling. I approach and let her know that if she’s after something a little firmer, she should come back to my Adams Morgan compound for a glass of breakfast wine and enjoy a Lifetime movie, “Hunger Point” starring Barbara Hershey as an overbearing mother who nit-picks her daughter into bulimia.

Me you ask? Grocery shopping. Eating endangered species. Lifetime movies. That is what I am about.


He gets letters:

"leather in the heat without undies is likely to cause a nasty rash...When I'm having a bad day I cruise CL and find the most off the wall post and send it to my colleagues. You won today. Thanks for the giggle."

" Welcome back! Now I can really look forward to reading the personals again."

Naughty Passive-Aggressive Marketer Seeks Horny Lawyer to Run My Life

Because I need to be kept in the style to which I am accustomed (and I am lazy)...

I've met several lawyers and they all seem to have the same things in common: they are assertive. I’m an easy-going male that would pair off well with a woman in charge of her own life, lawyer, or other such wealthy professional. I'm supportive, considerate, intelligent and you won't find a better partner.

Once we are alone, you will be horny because I am horny. You will be fairly attractive because I am fairly attractive. You will also run my life because I don’t have strong feelings one way or another.

When you misbehave or act up I’ll probably roll my eyes and bury my head in a book.

It's freeing, at least for me, when you run my life, your hand in mine as we explore our horny sides away from the busy, in charge lawyerly other such wealthy professional side everyone else knows.

George looking for his Martha

Only for the literarily delusional. I want to disguise myself as an animal and rape you? I don't get it (permalink).

If you're a spoiled, self-indulgent, willful, dirty-minded, liquor-ridden bi-atch who is loud and vulgar and you wear the pants in the house because somebody's got to, then you’re for me!

I'm a single white male who is looking for a relationship with an open minded female.

- You can drink me under any goddam table.
- You are an Earth Mother and we’re all flops
- I make you puke
- I will hold your hand when it's dark and you're afraid of the boogeyman and I will tote your gin bottles out after midnight so no one can see but I will not light your cigarette.

Oh, and you might want to wear something stain resistant on our date.

I look forward to hearing from you!

Oh, I’m also 6’ and about 172 lbs of sweet sweet lovin’.

He gets letters:

"I'm just responding to tell you how funny this was to me. You have a great since of humor, hope someone gets it. Good luck."

A highly specific and impossible request

I follow up a highly specific and unusual request with what I thought would be an impossible request (permalink). Will I find love on craigslist? We will see later tonight...

I'm looking for an attractive, woman with small to medium-sized boobs with short hair and glasses in her late twenties to mid-thirties for a traditional-style relationship. Ideally you are an intelligent smartipants, sarcastic, have a good sense of humor, and are comfortable with yourself. You are curious and would like to try most things at least once. You aren’t so much the jealous type and you actually may get along with other women. You don’t nag either.

About me? I am a guy. I am currently employed. Beer good. Stuff good. Electronics? Good.

If you're seriously interested, please email me with a little about yourself. Thanks for your interest.

It's a lot like life

Let's play master and servant...(permalink).

You are a woman. A woman who desires to be with a strong man. I am a strong man. Perhaps I am the strong man you desire to be with? Strong in the sense that he can lift heavy things with relative ease. Strong in the sense that movies like "Love Story" will not make him cry. Strong in the sense that he is there to lead the relationship. You will follow.

He leads with the common sense to initiate communication on matters that affect the heart; you will trust him when he tells you to “shut up”; he leads by discouraging your weakness; he leads by the simple fact that you follow; he leads by affirming your femininity and knowing full well that he has the last word on matters (because after all you’re just a girl); he leads by proper spelling and the semicolon; he leads knowing that humbling himself by making mistakes or dancing poorly does not make his weak in your eyes but strengthens your love for him otherwise he’ll beat you; and finally he leads by satisfying your erogenous areas with his patented sexual techniques that are guaranteed to make you warble like a woodcock and shudder like a poorly tuned diesel engine. Employing bad similes, he leads.