The only man in DC who cares only about sex

This self-proclaimed king of smartiosity attempts a humorous ad but it comes off a bit obnoxious. I've always found the self-deprecating humor works better in these situations. Otherwise you come off sounding like someone aspiring to alpha-male status (permalink). If the topic touches the nerve of a particular reader, well then, don't read me.


It seems that approximately 99% of the people on here use some sort of variation on that tired cliché "I'm looking for someone who likes me for me. Someone I can love who will love me back. I just want to be held." Stuff like that. Well, I suppose I'm looking for the same, only when I’m talking about like and love and holding, they’re just basically euphemisms for s-e-x. In short, I need someone who can keep up with me horizontally (or vertically or otherwise). Go ahead and send me hate mail for the following statement, calling me a lout, a pervert, “sex positive” and insensitive throw-back to an earlier era; and then praise the men of today as “in touch” with their “feminine side” and that is how you like your men; if you can't deal with honesty, that's your hang-up, not mine: I'm “sex positive.” I'm really, really really “sex positive” and I am more than just talking about being “sex positive.” I actually like doin’ it. I spend most of my day, each and every day, downloading barely legal porn. And masturbating. And it's exhausting. Truly exhausting. I'm on here, hoping that I can find a woman, a woman with a vagina, who wants me to stick my penis in her vagina and vice versa. Not that she would stick her penis in my vagina, but that she would want me to stick my penis in her vagina. You get the drift.

Okay, with that being said ... hi, hello, greetings and/or salutations, my name is Mr. BananaHammock. It is not a pseudonym, it’s my actual name. I am 38 years and change. I live in Adams Morgan. I'm your typical patent boutique law firm marketing manager who put himself through grad school by taking out a lot of personal loans. My parents actually paid them off so I guess that the statement “I put myself through grad school” is not entirely correct. I'm a bibliophile with a slight astigmatism in my left eye I think (I don’t have to wear glasses but started because I used to check out hotties in the distance walking up the street and as I approached they weren’t as hot as they seemed when they were blurry, sigh). Let's see, I'm not in therapy but probably should be. I seem to attract damaged women and rebound women and these relationships always seem to end weirdly. I read voraciously, sloth obsessively and I'm definitely outdoorsy he-man type. See below my deer hunting picture in full flannel.

My Ideal Person: Is “sex positive” in the sense that they like to act on that urge rather than talk about how “sex positive” they are. Also, my ideal person has a vagina. I like vaginas. I could never get tired of looking at vaginas. Maybe I should’ve been a gynecologist rather than a patent boutique firm marketing manager? That being said ... please be very well educated, be reasonably fit and attractive, and you must have an extremely dark sense of humor.

No relationship rebounders, crazies, commitment-phobes or psychos. I am no longer psycho-friendly.

He gets letters:

"Yes! You're back. We missed you on CL."

"Please, pleeeease do this guy. I think we chatted once or twice on salon.com personals before so I feel like I almost know you and can ask you this. "

A highly specific and impossible request

I follow up a highly specific and unusual request with what I thought would be an impossible request (permalink). Will I find love on craigslist? We will see later tonight...

I'm looking for an attractive, woman with small to medium-sized boobs with short hair and glasses in her late twenties to mid-thirties for a traditional-style relationship. Ideally you are an intelligent smartipants, sarcastic, have a good sense of humor, and are comfortable with yourself. You are curious and would like to try most things at least once. You aren’t so much the jealous type and you actually may get along with other women. You don’t nag either.

About me? I am a guy. I am currently employed. Beer good. Stuff good. Electronics? Good.

If you're seriously interested, please email me with a little about yourself. Thanks for your interest.

Looking for girl who lives closer to my job so I can sleep in longer

The title says it all....

The reverse commute is better than the commute, but it is still a commute. Mr. BananaHammock would never ever consider actually living anywhere but his Adams Morgan compound, unless of course there were little BananaHammock’s running around. The DC public schools suck after all.

What Mr. BananaHammock is looking for, however, is a nice girl who lives in the Falls Church/Dunn Loring area so that he can stay over at her place during the week and sleep in longer than he is able to currently given his reverse commute.

You can stay in his Adams Morgan compound on weekends and take advantage of his apartment’s location being stumbling distance from various bars and clubs on 18th Street. He can also provide you with lots of quality man on woman sensuality at either location.


He gets letters:

"Hrmm...you're an odd little man aren't you?"

Looking for my REAL DOLL™ who will do what I want SEXUALLY - Asian

A friend put it better than I ever could:

"I'm surprised that he didn't just go ahead and tell us what her perfect woman's name should be. Talk about picky. I see what he gets out of this, but what is he offering the perfect woman, beyond the opportunity to cook, clean up after him and cater to his every sexual whim...I particularly like that should the woman of his dreams insist on working after the first date, accounting would be a good field...."

Accounting? (permalink)

I am looking for a committed relationship with a REAL DOLL™. She is always committed to doing everything I want whenever I want. She will be cute with large breasts and purple hair and Asian. Her skeletal system will be too flexible and collapsible to allow her to stand upright and she'll have the poise and relaxed state of a sleeping girl. My special girl will have "natural" looking silicone rubber skin that can withstand over 400 degrees of heat without melting, and she will be able safely support over 400 lbs though I am much thinner than that. Where are you, baby?

Love Me Tender

Collaboration with the Phantom of the Bordello. Enjoy.

Snarling, snappish SWcircumcisedM (slightly over-exposed) internet porn star seeks malleable princess of the roadway for purely long-term relationship with the potential of planting my seed as I’ll need someone to mooch off of in my decrepitude. Must be clean, shorn, fit, charismatic, and photogenic. You should love watching movies, hiking, sleeping, traveling, Starbucks, and posing naked for extended periods of time. You’ll want to accompany me to the Hwy 127 Corridor Sale on route to Graceland for the Elvis Impersonation Contest in August.

I'm fun, outgoing, vulnerable, but dog-gone it, people like me. You might call me "special"! but not in the “I ride the short bus” sort of way. Don't get me wrong - I am not looking for ewe to be a sugar mama, I can pay my own way unless you insist on it being otherwise. Please don't be married, currently involved, or have your own self-worshiping website, but if you do, at least have the decency and dignity to lie your ass off about it.

For approval, please submit: query letter, resume, dental records, driving record, court transcripts, TB test and vaccination records (including Footrot, Coccidiosis, Urinary Calcali, Bacterial meningitis, distemper, and kennel cough), W-4s for the past 5 years, ticket stub from at least one play, gallery exhibit, or county fair attended in the past 6 months, 4H awards, and completed Cosmo, Vanity Fair, and Suffolk Daily quizzes, and be prepared to operate heavy "equipment."

Your pic will get you 320,983 of mine.

Cerebral-Tsar seeks Tsarina: woman for a man REPLETE with Smartiosity

If your going to go on and on about how intellectual you are, please please spell-check before posting. Please? (permalink)

I'm not sure there are many women that share a similar sized brain-pan as I trolling craigslist, but I figure if there are, it'll put the ball in your court. I've wasted too much time with intellectual inferiors who don't know the difference between rational and natural numbers or even old formula coca-cola versus new formula coca-cola for that matter. Sycophants are great. But I have plenty and I tire of their incessant drooling over my intense intellecualnessment. I'm not looking for more women to worship me as a god. Heavens know I've got too many of these “hangers-on” already. I'm interested in dating and relationships. I'm interested in seeking out and exploring what my lessers seem to find so engaging.

I'm 37. White. A former grad student in Art History. I'm funny (I'll tell you a joke if you want but you probably will not get it because I am much smarter than you. Trust me, it's true), confident in ways you will never understand, and I will point out your errors and misjudgments, if only to help you be a better person. I love to cook, read, write, think grand thoughts, and look down on you. There's also a part of me that loves the baser parts of the culture we share: para-bungee-sailing, extreme moto-golf, and “dancing” the YMCA..

I like intelligent women. VERY intelligent women, on the order of IQs well over 100. Most women want smart, but not too smart. I'm very intellectual. I'm not arrogant or stuck-up, just honest about your intellectual inferiority to me. I chose this path of condensation over some very good law schools, medical schools, and even a certain Clown College located in Sarasota, Florida that will remain nameless because I don't like to brag. If you can't understand why someone would do that, I'm not for you.

I'm very liberal. Don't bother if you're conservative. I have European heritage but I'm not European.

I've traveled a lot: all over Michigan, Northern Virginia, Maryland, and even parts of Florida. I spent one summer at a sleep-over camp in Northern Michigan and didn't even once cry for my mommy. Good times.

He gets letters:

"Narcissistic Personality Disorder sufferers are so adorable. I just want to cuddle you."

"I posted an ad today please read below if you are interested please respond with a picture. By the way your ad doesn't [sic] intimitate me - no man can tell me he is smarter then me..."

Looking for a one night stand that might lead to more.

Very high ick factor. Thanks, fellow in snark, for pointing this guy out to me (permalink). I think I just threw up a little bit in my mouth.

MY RULES


1. First we soak in my champagne flute-shaped hot tub so this way we know we are each clean
2. We wear protection. I wear a raincoat. You wear galoshes
3. We climb into my big round rotating bed. It has satin sheets and mirrors so we can watch ourselves makin’ “it”
4. My sheet are clean except for a small blood stain which happened when I hit my head on my vanity while my bed was rotating…ouch that hurt
5. You live close to me because I’m lazy
6. You can spell finished. shepherd, and fetuses
7. You like indie rock and other forms of music
8. Hoobastank is not indie rock or even another form of music
9. You are not married
10. You’re a cute, intelligent, female of average to thin build
11. You wear socks under your galoshes (or not), it is up to you
12. If you’re answering any phone calls while we have sex I must not be doing something right
13. No answering the door while we have sex unless you are under 5’2” and 120lbs. I probably cannot carry more than that over a long distance while we are having sex
14. No mental cases who try to get a restraining order on me after I dump them. I broke up with you after all. Why would I bother stalking?
15. No other mental cases either. You know who you are
16. You can make smell of female funk in my apartment but keep in mind my apartment smells mostly of man funk and those Glade® PlugIns® things. I believe the current scent is “Suddenly Spring™” or something like that.
17. We will oral each other (or not). I’m big on rules.
18. After sex we can lie in bed and watch a DVD or something or order Chinese or pizza or sushi.
19. Email or phone ok
20. Picture appreciated
21. If you think I am handsome or something let me know. I like compliments
22. BONUS if you like guys who smoke. I’m trying to quit, but I’m not quite there yet. See #15 above
23. BONUS if you are a glasses-girl
24. BONUS if you are an indie rock girl
25. If you want to record, I’ve got a digital camera. I insist on writing the dialogue though
26. I’m won’t do the “bend-over-boyfriend thing” but you can stick your finger in my butt if you wish. I won’t try to guilt you about trying anal sex.
27. You don’t need to be perfect. I’m not. Though I prefer thinner women.
28. My coworkers called me self-absorbed the other day. I replied that it reminded me of the time where I was having sex in my rotating bed and I was checking out my hair in the mirrors and this girl said, “you are so self-absorbed.” Truth be told, we were making a movie with my camera and I thought that I wanted my hair to look good. I had written some great dialogue and I was filming this movie. I had forgotten to check my hair before I started to “roll film” and I was just making sure my hair looked good. What’s the big deal?

NUDE PICTURES SENT TO ME will be used in fantasy masturbation scenarios. Just warning you...

If you aren't very picky, look here :)

If you are very picky, look here [permalink]. If you are not very picky, look below...

Not sure where to start but I guess when you first meet someone, you first notice the physical so here it is:

36 yrs old, 6'0, 168lbs, naked, soft, white with white skin, underneath my skin I'm all pink and wet (guess we all are), dark brown hair, dark brown eyes, cheek bones, chink, sometimes wear glasses. I love leisure suits, and great flannel shirt and jean combinations so this is how you will find me generally but after work I like to put on t-shirts and sweat pants which goes well with my simulated black leather couch. You will never see me in ass-less chaps however, why spend more then $200 on an article of clothing when your ass is hanging out. Btw, if you want to wear ass-less chaps, go ahead, but please have a nice ass.

After talking to me a little you would find out that I am immature, clueless about women, exhibit no social graces, and that I repeatedly touch myself inappropriately in public. You'll wonder to yourself, “what is that smell?” You will also find that I am pretty much the average guy who posts on craig's list, angry when I don't get my way, a misogynist, emotionally fragile and can make conversation with just about anybody from PhDs on to biker dudes as long as the conversation is about me, my job, or your breasts, however, I never use the word "breasts" in conversation. I use “titties,” “boobies,” or “funbags.” I also have a slightly self-destructive wild side, which you'll probably surmise after my fifth shot of Jägermeister.

By the end of our conversation you will also find out that I don't own, but actually rent, my Adams Morgan compound, that some of my neighbors are kinda creepy, that some of my friends are kind of creepy, that I like to watch movies with lots of nudity (which is probably why I want to talk about your “breasts”), have had a number of longterm unhealthy relationships with commitment-phobes (which I suppose is how I deal with my own commitment issues), and that while I wouldn't mind a long-term relationship, I won't hold it against you if you sleep with me on the first date. And by “sleep” I mean “sex.”

I am a metrosexual in the way that Adam Carolla or Jimmy Kimmel are metrosexual, but I'll watch some chick flick with you if I think I might score with you.

So what I am looking is someone around my age or a bit younger who has commitment issues, doesn't mind a guy who whines from time to time about whatever, like boobies (smaller the better), thinks good etiquette is something for the Emily Post generation. While I could stand to work out more than I do, but since I am a guy, I would expect you to be healthy and in shape, look like a supermodel, and love sex all the time. Smart also helps.

And by the way, I am no longer psycho-friendly...