Where is my Sophie’s Choice???

A friend, Sarah, pointed out that this guy probably hadn't read the novel he was referencing (permalink).

I want the unadulterated surrender of your body, mind, and soul. I want to submit you to a strange house in which you will be bound, blindfolded, and required to obediently do whatever they're told, for whomever tells you to do so. Also, metal poles of various thickness will be stuck up your ass. You will endure pain, but it is this very "pain" that you will covet. And after all, isn't pain merely pleasure from a different perspective? Though you will be offered your freedom on several occasions, you’ll choose the physical bondage and torture over freedom. You will learn that to accept this bondage is to receive unmentionable pleasure, but to deny our environment is to suffer unnecessarily.

Wait. That’s my Story of “O” ad.

Hi, I’m Stingo. I’m an inordinately horny, frustrated, pained, wise-cracking man in his early, ahem, 20s…

Looking for my REAL DOLL™ who will do what I want SEXUALLY - Asian

A friend put it better than I ever could:

"I'm surprised that he didn't just go ahead and tell us what her perfect woman's name should be. Talk about picky. I see what he gets out of this, but what is he offering the perfect woman, beyond the opportunity to cook, clean up after him and cater to his every sexual whim...I particularly like that should the woman of his dreams insist on working after the first date, accounting would be a good field...."

Accounting? (permalink)

I am looking for a committed relationship with a REAL DOLL™. She is always committed to doing everything I want whenever I want. She will be cute with large breasts and purple hair and Asian. Her skeletal system will be too flexible and collapsible to allow her to stand upright and she'll have the poise and relaxed state of a sleeping girl. My special girl will have "natural" looking silicone rubber skin that can withstand over 400 degrees of heat without melting, and she will be able safely support over 400 lbs though I am much thinner than that. Where are you, baby?

"Feministic Views" by Mr. Banana Hammock (not Omari)

My daily Omari...

I couldn’t decide what I wanted for lunch today so I took a healthy approach toward eating and decided to graze at the salad bar. I’ve included a picture below. Before anybody writes to say, “hey buddy, why not try some salad with your dressing” bear in mind that the dressing is blue cheese dressing. And when you close the lid and shake it vigorously, the dressing more or less evenly coats the vegetable involved, and I guess, eventually my arteries.

I like all cheese, but blue cheese especially. The National Dairy Council also reports that 3 servings of dairy a day in a reduced-calorie diet supports weight loss. Also a new study among active women using oral contraceptives found bone loss was prevented for those who got their calcium from 3-A-Day of dairy. Getting enough calcium can play a major role in the prevention of osteoporosis later in life, which can be a problem for the ladies. Milk is probably another important source of calcium, but I am a bit lactose intolerant.

A few years back we had a temp named after a famous president. First and last name. And I think he understood the importance of dairy in your daily diet. Anyway, every morning when he came into work I’d stand up and say, “Good morning, Mr. President.” He was at some point offered a job and went up to human resources to fill out paperwork for the job. He never returned. Apparently he complimented the receptionist’s “rack” perhaps even calling it "nice." I don’t know for sure what was actually said. I wasn’t there. But he never came back. I was struck by his enthusiasm for dairy after noticing his that his computer desktop was a big picture of Naomi Campbell sporting a milk mustache.

I’m not sure where I am going with this but all this talk of milk, and our former temp’s love of milk and I guess breasts, reminds me of, well, breasts. Ironically, I was having an email conversation with a friend who grew up in the same town as I did. She wrote me last night to mention that A&E was showing a 2 hour long documentary called “Cleavage." A Hooters waitress named Nicki reportedly said that, "Believe it or not, I'm a feminist. I have a lot of feministic views." Unfortunately I missed the email and the documentary. In addition to Nicki, I was told that other commentators on the documentary were apparently actresses, a journalist who once went "undercover" in a giant padded bra, and a professional clown.

I told my friend that while I also held feministic views, I personally preferred smaller breasts and that she should praise me for reaching out to those less fortunate, breast-wise.

I’m still waiting for that praise to come through email. Any minute now.



He gets letters:

"Seriously, I know I've written before, but I can not tell you enough how much you make my day when you write that stuff. :) PS - here's your email thanking you for liking smaller boobs. :)"