Love Me Tender

Collaboration with the Phantom of the Bordello. Enjoy.

Snarling, snappish SWcircumcisedM (slightly over-exposed) internet porn star seeks malleable princess of the roadway for purely long-term relationship with the potential of planting my seed as I’ll need someone to mooch off of in my decrepitude. Must be clean, shorn, fit, charismatic, and photogenic. You should love watching movies, hiking, sleeping, traveling, Starbucks, and posing naked for extended periods of time. You’ll want to accompany me to the Hwy 127 Corridor Sale on route to Graceland for the Elvis Impersonation Contest in August.

I'm fun, outgoing, vulnerable, but dog-gone it, people like me. You might call me "special"! but not in the “I ride the short bus” sort of way. Don't get me wrong - I am not looking for ewe to be a sugar mama, I can pay my own way unless you insist on it being otherwise. Please don't be married, currently involved, or have your own self-worshiping website, but if you do, at least have the decency and dignity to lie your ass off about it.

For approval, please submit: query letter, resume, dental records, driving record, court transcripts, TB test and vaccination records (including Footrot, Coccidiosis, Urinary Calcali, Bacterial meningitis, distemper, and kennel cough), W-4s for the past 5 years, ticket stub from at least one play, gallery exhibit, or county fair attended in the past 6 months, 4H awards, and completed Cosmo, Vanity Fair, and Suffolk Daily quizzes, and be prepared to operate heavy "equipment."

Your pic will get you 320,983 of mine.

Are you a Scientologist?

Got Church? (permalink)

I am a single, never married white dude, 72.5 inches tall, brown hair, brown eyes.

Being “clear” is a requirement. Please no engrams, implants, or haters. Just be straight-forward and "normal"! My world is not incomplete, but it would be nice to share my world with someone crossing the bridge to total freedom.

My perception of an ideal relationship: Someone who believes that psychiatry was responsible for World War I, the rise of Hitler and Stalin, the decline in education standards in the United States, the wars in Bosnia and Kosovo, and the September 11 attacks. Also, you believe that Xenu was the alien ruler of the "Galactic Confederacy" who, 75 million years ago, brought billions of people to Earth in spacecraft resembling Douglas DC-8 airliners, stacked them around volcanoes and blew them up with hydrogen bombs. Then the souls of these unfortunates clustered together and stuck to the bodies of the living. Other than that, I am pretty flexible. If you are interested in any of these qualities, please feel free to inquire!

Yes, I can actually drag myself off my couch, take of the sweats and put on jeans, and head out to a smoky bar. Just let me spay myself down with AXE first. I am a huge fan of past life experiences! In one, I was deceived into a love affair with a robot decked out as a beautiful blonde with big bazongas, though the metal body probably should’ve tipped me off that something wasn’t right. Anyway, we’re frolicking naked in this field on the planet Venus and out of nowhere this Martian priest driving a zamboni crushes me and my robot girlfriend. I wonder what I learned from that experience?

I BELIEVE IN XENU! I would like to have someone that gets audited on a regular basis. No longer preclear friendly.

Blessings

Mr. Banana Hammock

(key words: Xenu, Hitler, robot girlfriends, zamboni)

Good or Bad Idea? Normal Only Please.

Man seeks Catholic at Ruth's Chris Steak House on a Friday (permalink).

Hi,

I was reading through the ads this morning and I am wondering if this might be a place to meet a single normal female. Someone who would like to dress up in furry costumes and frolic in Rock Creek Park, maybe play tennis naked, or have an old fashioned Eskimo face-pulling competition, whatever, just hang out and see how things develop. Do normal people read these things or am I alone out here?

Well here is the vital info about me if you normal people are reading this. I am a single white male, never married and no children, looking for a LTR with a normal woman. I am normal. I am in descent shape and am about 6'1" tall, wish I could say 6'2” but not quite. I am honest, normally. If you are interested drop me a note and let's see what the next year has in store for us.

Merry Christmas.

Daytime Fun, Sans BananaHammock!!

 
I cannot say what inspired this post, but I think it had something to do with some guy who wanted to cheat on his wife and promised "daytime fun" and the proclivity for others to post pictures of themselves with their significant others spraypainted or blocked out in some way.

If hiking naked in the middle of nowhere or being ravaged indiscretely in the middle of nowhere sounds like your kind of fun drop a note. So the Holidays have been a let down for you? I'm in Pellston, MI damnit! Let me play a tiny violin for you... Brite, wittie, creatif, gregariuos, has "smats", shamelessly flirty, online porn surfing, sexually inexperienced 36 y/o professional single man is searching for a playmate....maybe it goes on for some time maybe not....it's gotta fit into both our schedules (lifetime) so it's a long shot. Be open minded, playful and imaginative and willing to be led astray ;)

Happy New Year!!!