Men Suck...

Hello. My name is XXXX and I am an ass. Hi XXXX! (permalink).

I know this as a fact because I indeed am a man. I am highly educated, independently wealthy, and in superb physical condition. You might call me a sophisticate. I know how to spell big words like salubrious and sebaceous, know what they mean, and can use them in a sentence:

The man considered himself salubrious in spite of the numerous sebaceous cysts growing from his neck.

I expect a lot from a woman I court and I will not tolerate being second or third. I expect this woman to be sufficiently commodious to my wants and needs and to be respectfully worshipful of yours truly. You will know every thought as it crosses my mind because I have no impulse control or boundaries. If you displease me once, you are reprimanded. If you displease me twice, you are history. If you think you are attractive and have a great body and can please me the way a man deserves to be pleased by an attractive woman with a great body then you may respond. Please don't waste my time and yours if you don't have the goods: 1) attractiveness, 2) great body, 3) firm buttocks {see #2}. Pics necessary for response. If you don’t have firm buttocks don't even think about it. I like firm buttocks. Also include in your response language praising me in two different ways. This should be the easy part.

No freaks.

He gets letters:

"good one dude."

" bananahammock strikes again!"

"Men suck...and you are right, they do. They suck toes, pussy, titties, and if you can find they right one they will suck your ass too! Damn, I miss a good man!"

Sublimely Übersexual

Profoundly Überstupid (permalink).

In my personal life I strive for excellence in everything that I do: the way I dress, the quality of my work, and what I eat. Understanding the finer things is important to me. For example, I know that true Kobe beef can only be purchased in Japan and that Kobe “style” beef can be purchased in the U.S. I also know that Kobe beef can be prepared as steak, sukiyaki, shabu shabu, sashimi, and teppanyaki. Additionally, I possess awareness that Crottin de Chavignol is a finer cheese, than say, an American cheese like Kraft singles, and unlike Kraft singles, Crottin de Chavignol is best enjoyed on a cheese board. These are but a few of the finer things that I understand.

I have recently moved to the D.C. area. I seek a woman of equal passions, intelligence, and pretentions. A woman who possesses awareness of fine cheeses and beef. I am able to navigate any level of social strata with dignity, poise, and grace. I hold no prejudices except those who do not understand fine cheeses and beef. The eyes of all women are struck pleasant by my pulchritudinous visage. I posses neither ex-spouse nor child nor any baggage that I am equipped to cogitate. I am gainfully engaged in career activities. I give voice to a desire to engage an outstanding woman in a relationship fraught with sensuosity. The woman for whom I will cultivate my robust zeal will be resplendent both in mental representation, countenance and a maturity level commensurate with my own. That's kind of penultimately it.

If you seek a higher level of sophistication so offered in a man like myself, a man among boys, a man who knows many different big words, a man who may quite possibly own a thesaurus, a man who knows good beef and cheese, a man who cannot say no to a good run-on sentence, send an email to the address that is above, the address at the top of the page, include a picture of yourself and tell me what drives your interests, makes you laugh, makes you cry, motivates your soul. Please no pictures of your soul.

No freaks.

Idiots respond:

"First of all: Uebersexual is a German word, and you made no comment about this word in your description. Then, if you like cheese, as one of the fine things in life, you should have made a better photo of yourself. This photo does not show a person, who likes fine things (not your shirt, not the calendar in the back, etc.)

Guess, you only know the Crottin, which means in French also the dirt from dogs on the steets, or the dirt from cows on the field.

Good luck to you, and try to improve your picture. A nice bottle of red wine, next to the cheese and you in the back would work better to find the right woman. I love cheese, I love red wine, as I learned a lot from my ex who is French. But I also like other fine, really fine things in life!
Lonelyheart"

I'm THE Guy

He's this guy (permalink). I'm the other guy...

I'm the guy who approaches you in a crowded bar and the raw animalistic sexuality that I ooze is unescapable, much like gravity in a black hole.

I'm the guy who looking at your breasts while talking to you, my head bobbing up and down, thinking about how nicely my face is going to fit in between them later.

I'm the guy who, while your not looking, slips a rohypnol in your chocolatini and when your sufficiently out of it, I bring you back to my Adams Morgan Compound.

I'm the guy who, back at my place having sex with you from behind, I try to stick my dick in your ass and claim that I just “slipped” when you protest.

I'm the guy who of course lied about just “slipping.”

I'm the guy who be happy nailing your hot best friend...or both of you at the same time.

I'm the guy who has no problem telling you that your butt looks big in those jeans..

I'm the guy who'll whine when I don't get my way.

I'm the guy who is 36 years old.

I'm the guy who is 6 feet tall, 168 lbs.

I'm the guy who has brown hair and eyes.

I'm the guy who is looking for a SWF, 25-35 who might be looking to get laid.

He gets letters:

"How rich! I've been following you, Mr. Banana Hammock, for a while now and you always make me laugh. While I will never let you accidently on purpose slip it in the backdoor (one must always knock first and politely at that), I did feel compelled to finally write after seeing how irate the originally poster was. Clearly, if I know you, I've been trolling the M4W section on CL for a while but this exchange made me almost snort out my cocktail. Poor guy. He doesn't have a clue. If you ever need photoshopping assistance, just let me know. I'm no expert but I'm pretty handy in a pinch. And it appears that you have no shame...so you make a perfect subject!"

"Hey I am actually responding to ur ad for a friend of mine, she is a sweet girl, 19 very NICE ass (think Jennifer Lopez) very much in shape physically, I think ur approach to women could be good for her, would u be intereasted?"

"Funny shit, given my original post. Let me know if you get any responses." original poster

He gets cl M4W response:

"Thanks for ripping off my post. We'll see who gets more responses." original poster

------> pERFECT ~ sTRIP cLUB..... booze and pasties :)

Not my best. Not his (deleted) either I suspect...

On the weather like this¡K. I don¡¦t really wanna do much but watch a naked lady dance on pole in a smoky strip club while I stuff money in her g-string. Off course we can get coffee or hot-chocolate before or after the strip club ƒº Or we can go my place and antler dance…What do you think?
Any one who has the same feelings for this weather?
Off course you wanna know about me now, I am 36, 6ft tall, brown hair/eyes. Looks constipated, but not at all constipated ƒº funny huh¡K. Have working and happy with my life.
Just missing some one who I should grope chest and escort to strip clubs and antler dance in the cold weather like this!
And yes if you are even a little bit tempted, leave the transportation part up to me. I can come over to your house or we can meet at some bus stop if it makes you comfortable?
By the way¡K.. do you like playing Frisbee golf (Frolf) once in a while?
(Will send pics on request)

I am the guy

He might be this guy. I am this other guy....

You notice from across the bar...I am the guy who although our eyes only connect briefly, the connection was made...You immediately sense my raw animal magnetism…You sense a guy of power, a guy of purpose, a guy who seduces with a glance, a guy who can bend spoons with his mind, a guy who can cycle through over 200 cable channels on a remote without ever settling on a single channel. A guy unlike any other…I am the guy who will tell you those jeans make you look fat…I am the guy whose eyes will glaze over if you have me up at 2am sitting on the couch with you, drinking wine and talking about everything from the color of your nail polish to your family values...I am the guy who will tell you semen is good for your complexion and is even more effective ingested rather than worn on your face...I am the guy who will have your bra off without you even noticing...I am the guy who knows that sexy is you not talking so much...I am the guy who will purposefully slip it in your butt when we’re doggie style but claim it was only an accident...I am the guy who probably won’t call you back...I am the guy who will want you to fetch me a beer from the fridge while I am watching football...I am the guy who knows how to manipulate your self-esteem issues to get what I want...I am the guy who hits on your friends when I am drunk...I am the guy who will pull the covers over your head, fart, and scream “Dutch Oven!”...I am the guy who will tell make inappropriate comments to your folks, like how good in the sack you are...I am the guy who will get lost and will refuse to ask for directions...I am the guy who once put an X-Wing fighter up for sale on Craigslist even though I don’t own one...I am the guy who photoshops...poorly...I am the guy who doesn’t suffer fools...I am the guy that will put on a pretty good act until you are in love, then I will change...

I am this guy

Highly Evolved Elitist Seeks Beauty

Elitistism. Yeesh.

I am highly evolved, and all of the women I date claim they are also highly evolved, but five minutes into the conversation I can tell they really know very little about popular culture: What is a pog? The Mighty Morphin Power Rangers made a movie? Jenny Lewis of Rilo Kiley played Judy Jones in the "Ben's First Kis"s episode of "Growing Pains" AND was Hannah Nefler in "Troop Beverly Hills" AND was Christin in "Pleasantville"? German singing sensation David Hasselhoff played the role of Boner in "Revenge of the Cheerleaders" AND had a full frontal nude scene? They also make mistakes in speaking English, or they eat with the wrong fork, or they wear the wrong tops, revealing too little cleavage, or they're nasty and mean to me when I am helping them out by pointing out their flaws. Go figure.

In Washington, DC especially, the women are narrow, humorless, and uninteresting. They talk about wanting guys who have "values" or "jobs" who aren't "psycho" and won't "stalk" them. They want "hotties" who are "articulate" and "size" matters or are looking for their "Jack McCoy" or want to be "in like" and don't want to be "lonely." I have none of these qualities.

As you can tell, I hold myself above most people, and while this may sound vain and impossibly arrogant, I do so because I am simply too refined, educated, erudite, know which forks to use when, and frankly, too impossibly brilliant for the vast majority of women out there. Yes, I did try having a relationship with the mirror in my bedroom, and it was working for some time, but I realized I cannot spread my man seed and superior genetics onto a mirror and have it result in superior offspring. It just made my mirror all messy.

Sensual First Date: Lets go play miniature golf!

First date? Strip Club. Classy.

I am a SWM professional who is tired of boring first dates. I am a very sensual person and so I thought it would be fun and highly erotic to go play miniature golf on the first date. Its stimulating and replete with sensuosity. I am not a pervert -- I am a successful profressional. I just like to do things that are out of the ordinary. Let me know if you think this sounds fun -- or if you have any suggestions of your own.