Highly Evolved Elitist Seeks Beauty

Elitistism. Yeesh.

I am highly evolved, and all of the women I date claim they are also highly evolved, but five minutes into the conversation I can tell they really know very little about popular culture: What is a pog? The Mighty Morphin Power Rangers made a movie? Jenny Lewis of Rilo Kiley played Judy Jones in the "Ben's First Kis"s episode of "Growing Pains" AND was Hannah Nefler in "Troop Beverly Hills" AND was Christin in "Pleasantville"? German singing sensation David Hasselhoff played the role of Boner in "Revenge of the Cheerleaders" AND had a full frontal nude scene? They also make mistakes in speaking English, or they eat with the wrong fork, or they wear the wrong tops, revealing too little cleavage, or they're nasty and mean to me when I am helping them out by pointing out their flaws. Go figure.

In Washington, DC especially, the women are narrow, humorless, and uninteresting. They talk about wanting guys who have "values" or "jobs" who aren't "psycho" and won't "stalk" them. They want "hotties" who are "articulate" and "size" matters or are looking for their "Jack McCoy" or want to be "in like" and don't want to be "lonely." I have none of these qualities.

As you can tell, I hold myself above most people, and while this may sound vain and impossibly arrogant, I do so because I am simply too refined, educated, erudite, know which forks to use when, and frankly, too impossibly brilliant for the vast majority of women out there. Yes, I did try having a relationship with the mirror in my bedroom, and it was working for some time, but I realized I cannot spread my man seed and superior genetics onto a mirror and have it result in superior offspring. It just made my mirror all messy.