"How Can I Get In Your Pants?" by Mr. Banana Hammock (Not Omari)

I am so happy Omari is back (permalink) with his long and unfocused ramblings on life, metro manners, all things DC, and love....

I didn't really "date" in high school because, well, I didn’t have to. I had a redwood hot tub and my parents were out of town a lot. And, in this time before the “AIDS crisis,” sex was abundant. No need to date. College was even better because I had this gay roommate and he would drag me along to go gay clubbing. I was younger and skinnier and prettier back then, so I fit right in. There were an abundance of gorgeous women at the gay club who assumed I was gay and they were “safe.” They could drink gallons of booze and it was ok to come on over to my apartment after the club closed because I was “gay,” right? Wrong. Then came a series of long-term live-in arrangements and at that point you’re not really dating, you’re playing house. Now I find myself single again. Well for single for the last couple of years anyway.

All that said, I’ve been forced to hone my picking up chick skills. I no longer have a hot tub, I’m not young and pretty anymore, and women these days seem to play hard to get. What gives with that? I’m a nice guy. I’ll respect you in the morning. If I’m getting laid, I’ll probably even want to see you again since the chances of us having sex again are probably a lot higher since we’ve done it once. Of course if you’re crazy, I probably won’t want to see you again, but I’ll be polite about it. Anyway, craigslist seems to work reasonably well for me because I like to write. And I can make up immediately unverifiable stuff about myself. You’ll have to go out with me to find out that they aren’t true. Things like, “Hi ladies, I’m a millionaire. I own a mansion and a yacht” or “I’m really really big down there.” However, I say reasonably well for a reason. While I’ve had some great dates with women off this site, and while I hope to attract bright, dynamic, vivacious, and beautiful women on craigslist, much of the time I seem to attract the crazy girls. What’s up with that?

Picking up women in face-to-face settings--such as grocery stores, bars, the 42 bus, ladies room in a restaurant, and the like--involves a completely different skill set. My problem is that I don’t have a well-developed sense of “boundaries.” I've often thought that a good pick-up begins with explaining what separates me from the other guy. What I can do for this particular woman. So often I'll say to the girl things like “Baby, I'm no Fred Flintstone, but I can make your Bedrock!” or “You know how they say skin is the largest organ? Not in my case.” Basically, that I am going to provide you with great orgasms with my extraordinarily large penis. This approach isn’t typically received warmly.

Why this isn’t working, I cannot figure out. Should I also try cupping your buttocks as a part of my approach? Would it make a difference if I complemented you on the firmness of your buttocks while I was cupping them? While we are talking, should I stare at your breasts more than I am currently? Should I complement their size and shape and ask before I touch? Or should I just go ahead and give’em a squeeze? How about if I let my penis dangle out of the fly of my jeans? Should I try stalking? How do you feel about Rohypnol®?

I never, never, ever, write unfocused rambler posts, however this seems like it turned out to be just that...but if you're a white woman, at least 26 but less than 35 years of age, I'd like to hear from you. Say something interesting, perhaps something about art (I especially like Italian Renaissance art), or even something about what you’re going to let me do to you on my kitchen table (or what you’re going to do to me) because that’s what generates sparks...and because I'm shallow, include a PHOTO, thanks!