sexy + sexy = extreme sexamaliciousness

It's been a while since I posted on Craigslist. Busy at work I suppose. Here's one that should have me needing to sift through literal piles of responses from eager young woman who want a taste of hot lovin' championhandwasher style...

If you want to go out me, be prepared to have a time like no any other that you've ever had. Period. It's not like going out with any guy you've ever been out with before. Words can barely describe the going out with me experience. But I'll try. Here goes. We go out to dinner - I'll pay. But you better not be ordering no lobster. About me - besides having a full time day job, I read books on the side, download "barely legal" porn and masturbate, and I go to bed kinda early. That keeps me off the streets and out of trouble. Downloading internet porn is a lot of fun. I have a tons of the stuff, internet porn "stuff" that is. I started downloading internet porn a couple of years ago, however - most of my close friends also download internet porn (when were not playing Everquest that is). I'm getting pretty good at "Rockin the House" so to speak. Nowadays, if I am not reading or downloading internet porn - I am generally sleeping, just kiddin. Sometimes I'm watching TV. I'm seriously looking for sexy chicks for romanticity. Me on top at first, but if we decide to get really freaky, then you on top. You know what I'm sayin . . .

Check out this wild story. I never thought it would happen to me. So I'm in this bar, ok? And there's this totally, totally hot babe, right? Smokin' hot. And like, I've had a few miller lites so I'm all bold, ok? So I order another miller lite and walk over to her, right? Well turns out she's been downing appletinis for the last four hours or so, totally pissed off about some guy, dig? I don't want to hear about the guy, but the situation? I figure I'm in there, totally! I go over all suave and and introduce myself and she, like, totally gives me the once over and smiles! I'm thinking I'm totally in. All the way. She orders a couple more appletinis and we clink glasses and down them. Next thing I know, four or five more appletinis later, she's like, "Let's get out of here." So we take off. We hail a cab and I'm checking her out and she's totally checking me out, ok? Long legs, titties, great ass. Really hot, ok? I mean superfine hottie hottness. Cab takes us to her place, and she invites me up, right? Score! So I'm in the apartment, beer in hand, she's acting all sexy-like. It's hot! My head's spinning, she's totally hot, everything's hot, ok? Next thing I know, it's, like, seven in the morning, my breath smells like vomit, and there's a note pinned to my jacket asking me to lock the door when I leave. I'm still dressed and really have no idea what, if anything happened. How cool is that!

Now I could write a whole lot more and philosophize on dude ladies, lady ladies, woman ladies, tomboy ladies, but I won't. Not today. You probably wouldn't understand it anyway. Besides, I gotta go prep my dinner.

Not saying I am going to get any responses, but if I do - please attach a picture for a reply. I don't want to end up with no dude ladies. I the dude on the right hand side of the dude lady. Or, alternately, the boob on the far left.

He gets really long sort of crazy letters:

"Saw your ad. Any guy who confesses to spending an inordinate amount
of time with internet porn, and getting drunk and going home with a
chick that drinks appletinis deserves someone to write him back! I
couldn't see your face, it was too obscured by the boob on the far
left, but you obviously have a sense of humor.

I am also a giant fan of internet porn; not just internet porn, but
all kinds of porn, actually. Internet porn is good cause you can go
find stuff that's just too raunchy to rent from the store. Have you
ever noticed that porn store clerks are always overly friendly? It's
really weird...

I'm your average guy's girl. Love dirty movies, basketball, whiskey,
making out with girls, and blowjobs (giving them, as getting one would
be impossible-I don't have the equipment). Does that make me a "dude
girl"? Unfortunately, I can never find men who can deal with these
qualities. They always turn all weird. Seriously, one of my
boyfriends broke up with me on my birthday one year because I wanted
us to sleep with one of my cuter girlfriends, who at the time was
sitting in my lap kissing me. It was traumatic.

Sorry, got carried away. Anyway, love to talk to you more, but I won't
bore you too much in the first email. I'll wait till later emails for
the boring stuff.

Sending a pic, but I'd love one where you didn't have a boob in your face. ;)"

Let me help you help me

So, you don't know what to say? Let me help you out:

Hi! I am

a Chicka Bitcha horny Bitcha jankety Hobarely legal

Seeking

Mr. BananaHammockmy bling blingmy stacked cheesemy patented sex movesmy autograph on your breasts


and I want to give you

a big wet sloppy kissa boobie flasha double boobie flashsexwild sexmy virginitya rusty trombone


at

your Adams Morgan CompoundSomeplace public creepy manmy place, I have a sex swing!a bathroom in a bar(behind) dumpster in an alleya secluded spot in Rock Creek Park

So we can have
FunsexsexsexsexsexsexAll of Above

So, I'll want to

email firstChat onlineTrade naked picturesTalk dirty on phoneGrab a drinkGet a restraining orderAll of Above

Ok, got it? Now, since I don’t have a "Submit This, Biatch!" button, you have to copy and paste this into your email. (can you handle
that?).

Mr. Bananahammock says "Be my Valentine, Bitch!"

~ flagged and removed by craigslist "bitches" ~

END YOUR SEARCH TODAY! Superhomme D’Amour for Triple-X Throwdowns!

I think I am way more superhero than this joker. And not as long-winded either (permalink).


Me? Superhomme D’Amour

My fiction is your reality.
I consistently laugh at danger. HA! HAHA! HA! Consistency is important.
I perform great feats of manly strength on a daily basis.
I build things from IKEA without looking at the instructions.
I do not do the “bend-over boyfriend” thing.
I like to Triple-X throwdown whether or not baby got back
I show a person that I am interested by grunting and grabbing my crotch.
I see things you mortals cannot fathom.
I’ve been to France.
I appreciate fine dining. I ate most of my FRIDAY'S® THREE-FOR-ALL last night.
I make love like a bonobo.
I dance like a white guy.
I can see through your clothes and I like what I see.
I know your face is “up here,” it’s just that I’d prefer to talk to your breasts.
I want to bathe you and wash your hair.
I want to brush your teeth.
I want scrape your tongue with your tongue scraper.
I want you and I to exist as one. Perhaps we can be sewn together
I am like no other. I am a Superhomme D’Amour.

When we meet it is like you cannot keep your hands off of me. I don’t mind. You mention that we should move the party over to my place where you perform an exotic strip-tease that ends with me applauding and stuffing dollar bills into your g-string. I then make passionate love to you using the 5 or 6 techniques that I learned on the internet and that I’ve been practicing solo while viewing “barely legal” porn. Having satisfied you like no other man has before, you fall asleep all sweaty and exhausted. Maybe even a little sore. In the morning I buy you pancakes. I am a Gemini and love to receive oral sex while I’m watching sporting events. Can I rest my beer on your head?

I hope to hear from you if you are interested in getting to know each other.

Please reply with your photo. : )

He gets letters:

"Just wanted to say I have enjoyed reading your m4w posts. They are notthe usual and have made me smile. I can appreciate that in a cold, dankwinter. Best of luck in your search. Besitos!"