The way I see things....

Sometimes a fella has to brag himself up a bit...

I am fully conversant on stuff and things and can talk about either without hesitation. Strangers compliment my hair style regularly. Crowds gather to watch me parallel park and erupt in spontaneous applause at my efforts. I’m generally gracious and hand out as many autographs as are requested. I have a large collection of barely legal porn because it was once said that before you can love another you have to be able to love yourself. I routinely perform ritual male tests of strength including changing the empty water bottle on the water cooler and lifting full boxes of paper over my head. But I’m also sensitive. Watching “She’s Having a Baby” has been known to make me weepy. Squirrels and birds alight on my outstretched arms when I walk through Rock Creek Park. Men want to be me. Women want to be with me. Evildoers fear me. I have been known to eat an entire sandwich in only one sitting. I am bilingual. I speak both standard English and Michigan-English: “You guys wanna go to Winzerr and catch’da Canadian ballay?” – “Would you like to go to a strip club in Windsor?” I know several traditional wedding dances, including the Electric Slide, the Tush Push, and the YMCA. Tourists frequently ask me for directions, trusting me with their very lives.

A great man, me, once said all slurry: “They put tha panties in the glove box and make lotsa money.” I was drunk. I couldn’t remember the joke, but I think that might have been the punch-line. Done with the head games, lies, and childish deception.