Looking for woman for hot man on woman freakiness (Not a spoil and pamper ad)

Thanks, Whiskypants. I thought you were going to forward these gems (permalink) rather than horde them for your own blog ;-)

I am an educated, successful professional man--6'0/165-170, Brown hair/Brown eyes, 36, Gnostic Sex Cultist. I am looking for a cute youthful woman for a NSA sexual relationship. I would enjoy the company of a young naked woman in order to work my magic and freaky sex moves in an attempt to please her. I am not looking to spoil and pamper you in any way. Instead, I would derive extreme pleasure from entering you via the “Wheelbarrow position,” as this position would be very erotic for me as I would have a birds-eye view of your gorgeous buttocks and the pelvic freedom to thrust effortlessly. Knowing I played a part in your happiness would also make me happy. Also, you might enjoy what Cosmo calls the “Carnal Clench” because I could create loads of feel-good friction as I tantalize the depths of your pleasure zone. I am for real and ask that you be as well, and that your response be thoughtful. Thanks!"

Free $10 Dollar $tore Shopping Spree

Whiskypants puts me up to another one as Kayla reminds me that pleated pants are out, even though I pointed out they make splendiferous crotchmosphere when I sit down. Oh yea, some big spender (permalink) wants to take some lucky lady on a $100 Victoria's Secret shopping "spree"...

If you're interested in getting ten dollars worth of absolutely free, no strings attached crap like plastic flip-flops that make your feet hurt or Glow In The Dark Dinosaur and Star Stickers or Easter Basket Grass or a pack of 6 Pairs of Black Shoelaces or a 4 " Deluxe Paint Brush from the Dollar $tore, let's meet at the Springfield Mall Dollar $tore. I have a $10 bill just burning a hole in my pleated khaki Dockers® and I'm feeling generous. You don't have to do a damn thing except show up and let me walk around with you while you shop. I might try touching you or ask you to do something of a sexual nature while you shop. I have a “problem” with boundaries and keeping my hands to myself.

Fear not: this is safe, public, and open... and I'm not a weirdo. Really, would I lie about something like that? I'm actually nice-looking. Please send photos and have nice firm buttocks.

Let's get you some free crap!

Glove Slap!!

Or as Whiskypants put it, "I'll buy you a beer if you can take on this turkey (permalink)." I did. And I think she owes me a beer...


Ok, well I have tried this before and let's be honest, if I'm back posting, I can't take a hint.

So I'm a genuine rocker guy, who enjoys rockin' out and prefers to rock out in rockin' settings. I enjoy many other hobbies, including groovin' and chillin', but a good chunk of life is spent rockin' out.

I currently work a day job, and when I'm off, I'm rockin' hard. I do everything from teaching the fundamentals of rockin', keytar, and advanced rockin'!! My prices are reasonable.

However the big problem I have is, although I am a rockin' guy, I am not a rockstar. I have rockstar cravings, desire to have rockstar sexcapades with groupies, have groupies flashing me their goodies while I'm on stage, and partake in general licentiousness and debauchery. Instead of a soul mate, I'd prefer to have two girls working my package while I'm making out with a third, and a fourth is fetching me a fifth of Jack Daniels!

If your thinking "oh Rock boy! He must like hard rockin' rockers like Twisted Sister and Nelson," well I don't dislike hard rock, and you have to know your rock music, but I'm into what's generally called, Pop-Rock. That's basically anything from Janet Jackson to Men at Work, and it covers ALOT!!

So now onto other things that I do. I love Rock 'n' Bowl. I fancy myself a bit of gourmand. I'm a cunnilinguist, and like sampling new "dishes." I like movies, the zombie types, incestuous hillbilly soft core porn types, and serious hard core porn. I still need to see Zombie 4 and Edward Penishands. I like going out to see them and getting in on in the theater. I used to be a semi-professional volcano surfer. That was kewl. I love the outdoors, and long for a companion for drives around the inner loop, over and over. Hey, we're in Virginia. Now we're Maryland. Hey, we're in Virginia again! I like a nice round ass.

As for the rockin' guy I am, well I'm 6'1" and about 170 pounds and what would be called an average build. I have brown eyes. Very long eyelashes too, which I'm told women are envious of...hmm? I have a new 'do all the time: faux hawk, prince valiant, mullet, and the products for upkeep. Pics down below. I'm a smoker, but don't do drugs, disease free, and not a big drinker during the week.

As for the type of girl I'm after, well I'd like a non drug user like me. I don't care about your drinking habits, but if you're going to barf going down on me, I'm showin' your ass the door. Id hope you like my type of music and wanna hang out at shows. I'd prefer she be shorter than me (just can't do the tall girl thing)and body style best described as rockin' or smokin'. I like a girl that is rockin' or smokin' but has low self-esteem and is willing to share with other rockin' or smokin' women with low self-esteem (see above)!!!

Well I will be waiting to hear from you. Please include a pic. Talk to you soon!

Mr. BananaHammock

Another Velvet Dare

I sent Velvet this picture and said something like "I'm going to put an ad in craigslist with this picture and the title of the post is going to be, 'Looking to Tie the Knot.'" She dared me to do so. I said it's not much of a dare, as I more or less ran a similar ad in January, but a dare still is a dare. I couldn't figure out how to keep it light and breezy and change it a great deal...and many thanks to the Phanton of the Bordello for the photoshopping...

Hiya Ladies! I'm basically looking for someone to chill with a strap-on and knows knots and stuff pretty well. I've been hoping to find someone to tie up my testicles, which are outrageously big due to lack of sex, but most girls don't know the difference between a Slipped Buntline Hitch and a Poldo Tackle. I work in Falls Church as a kudu wrangler and chin model. There's more and if you're interested I'd love to tell you.

Wanted: Worldly, Sexy, Passionate, Confident, Catch - 26

Apropos of nothing, the evil Ms. Velvet encouraged me to write a W4M ad in craigslist today. Why? So I could see how the better half lived? So that I could see that they got the best of it all since they could pick and choose among literally hundreds of responses to their ads while us men got only maybe one or two responses from whomever? I demurred. I couldn't possibly write such an ad; I've only been reading M4W ads and wouldn't know how to write a girl. She says, "The beauty isn't in the ad. It's in the responses. You have to abandon your old way of thinking." I abandoned my old way of thinking and came up with this, something that would probably attract everyone -- thin, curves in the right places, not out for a guy's money, sexual (note the winky emoticon about anything athletic....

Hi:

Ideally I'd love to meet a man who is outgoing, confident, well traveled, not married, not a big drunk, smart, sexy, athletic or skinny (but not skinnier than me), and fun. I just got out of a painful relationship and I am not looking for anything too serious. Please be 6’0” or taller.

I have my own money and I don’t need yours. I am a blond, tall, thin female with curves in the right places. I love the arts, the bar scene, and anything athletic ;-).

I wasn't prepared for what followed. It wasn't so much the myriad responses from guys that referred to me as "baby," "understood my pain," "shared similar interests" (even though I don't think I indicated any), or the perverts that wanted to know about my shoe preference or whether or not I owned silk in my closet, the multitude of horrible photos (thankfully no dick-pics). What I wasn't prepared for were the comments that I made to Velvet after all of the replys started pouring into my mailbox. So these are some of my "on-the-spot reactions":

"I mean 1/2 don't meet my height requirements, and my first responder
was obviously canned. He starts out with "excuse me if my response
sounds disjointed because I just wrote this so here goes...." then followed with 12 long paragraphs. Another canned responder didn't even bother to fake it [he just cut/paste so that the >'s were visible.

Then there was...Don't get me started on the perverts and those that can feel my pain of just being out of a long relationship.

And of course...And if another guy calls me "sweetie" I'm going to lose it. I'm not a child, I'm a grown wom--er an adult!!

I closed it, more or less, with my favorite so far! He's mine so don't get any ideas. I'm really not gay...

So, basically for me NO=MAYBE=YES.

And hopefully, Velvet, the world will not implode upon itself.

Yours in Science,

Mr. BananaHammock