Seeking woman to practice my sex moves that I learned on the internet

Cheating on your girlfriend to save the relationship (permalink)? Hmmm. I think I would've bought some movie version Lady Chatterly-like excuse, but this? No. As always, I am discreet.


Hello,

I am not married but I'm having relations with a new person whose sex drive doesn't match my own. She's quite special to me, but I am beginning to become quite frustrated. She is very shy sexually and I'm rather "freaky" in the sack, meaning I like to "get my freak on." Although I like her very much, I am finding myself having issues with our sexual proclivities.

I think I need a sexy "I want to kiss your wiener and then put it in my mouth" type of partner. A kinky "I want to be on top tonight" type of partner. An adventurous "I read this thing in Cosmo and it seems sort of naughty – let's try it" type of partner. I hope to find a woman that is similarly frustrated and would like to explore uninhibited and possibly illegal sexual pleasures like doggy style and the "praying mantis" (I learned of this on the internet).

I spend a lot of time researching positions and techniques on the internet and reading books like "The Art of Sexual Ecstasy." I do this in hopes of giving pleasure to my girlfriend, but since she's not as "freaky" as me I want a playmate to try out some of the more erotic things that I have been reading about.

My girlfriend is hung up only wanting to have sex in the classic missionary position. This is very strange to me since there are at least THREE other sexual positions out there that I can think of, and more are being invented every single day!

Since I really want to make this relationship with my girlfriend work, I thought that cheating on her would be the best way to accomplish that goal. I promise to be discrete. I have a nice house for any possible rendezvous. I have diagrams that I downloaded regarding what I want to try. I have lotions and oils. I have amyl nitrate.

I'm white, good looking and in pretty good shape. I prefer white women. I am a very attentive lover and I enjoy sessions that go on for hours and hours.

I am not opposed to the idea of a single woman being my "fun partner" if she is agreeable to being discreet. Discretion is key. My photo is attached.

Let my Sensuosity Detonate your Intense Enthusiasm for Something

Many thanks to Kayla and the rest for their input (especially after she stole my last one)... I want to ignite something (permalink) or detonate something and maybe explode something all over your bosoms. Intensely.

Let my sensuosity detonate your intense enthusiasm for something by French kissing your genitals, rubbing your boobs and buttocks, and by bearing witness to my erotically charged sexiness. I am a semi-professional extreme off-road bungee skier who would like to bring extreme contentment to extremely good looking women in their 20s or 30s who are lacking an intense enthusiasm for something and extreme arousal in their pitiful lives. I want this to be a highly discrete relationship. My photo is attached.

A Special Pre-Holiday Greeting from Mr. Banana Hammock

Shout out to Mark Leyner, the Phantom of the Bordello, and all the little people that made this post possible....We did it Baby!

Important meeting later today. I put on Carla Behrle leather pants. No shirt. My nipples are hard from the chill morning air. Jean LaFont glasses with orange tinted frames to better stalk my prey. I head to the orange line, Farragut West to Dunn Loring, thankful that Spring has arrived.

Hitting the platform in stride I notice a plethora of lovelies. Cracking my neck, I give them my smoky stare with one eyebrow raised, oozing raw sexuality. I launch into a series of poses: Front Double Biceps, Front Lat Spread, Side Chest, Back Double Biceps, and signature Back Lat Spread. One woman faints. Another lunges at my banana hammock, her eyes wild and fixated on my bald-headed giggle stick. I brush her aside. I don't countenance inappropriate public behavior on Metrorail in DC. Maybe they behave that way in Clarendon or Crystal City, but not downtown. A third lovely approaches. Impressed with my posing, she wants me to autograph her breasts with my Mr. Sharpie. Luckily, I have it on me today and am happy to oblige.

Arriving at work, I meet with my lawyers who assure me that the property rights for my image and style will be well protected and that I will be generously compensated for my endorsements of Hugger-Mugger Yoga Products, MuscleTech® supplements, such as CELL-TECH™ and
ACETABOLAN III®, and feminine hygiene products like the menstrual cup and, designed by yours truly and available just in time for Easter, a new line of festive pubic hair dyes.

Me you ask? Posing on Metro. Signing breasts with a permanent marker. Feminine hygiene. That is what I am about. And if you are tired of the New Age Milquetoasts who frequent craigslist M4W, you know where to write.

Oh, don't tell me I'm not loquacious

I smert. I know big werds (permalink).

Would I be here consigning this missive replete with ostentatiously baroque verbiage if it were otherwise?

Alas, if I weren't, I'd take my sagacity and salacity, my Atticism and waggery and generalised savoriness and quit posthaste to a Bedouin encampment in the arid climes of the Middle East, the air redolent with the aroma of incense and dromedary with the lonesome plaint of the call to prayers not far.

Instead, I find myself here, in Adams Morgan, Washington, DC, United States of America, with an impish visage and a demeanor fraught with puerile lampooning.

And here, as you cogitate on my impious calumny, which began elsewhere and returns evermore.

I could go on.

And I will at a later time.

want be in this night on you vagina

Crazy person (permalink).

Cheers iam here in dc area and love club lif and
Rave music thay play i dance because iam get arouse in loin
And so if iam get this night on u vagina u will forgat
Zero cauz iam good at tonge stuff n lik to wership on you vagina
You plez do be hot form and n sexi pleze cauz I get turn on bye thet and
Plenty more. iam always with diffrent girl all nites caus iam like verity
End plez make cleen you vagina for my tonge liking n stuf
Realy befor I pet my manliness on you vagina n you well iam make u
So hot and feel sex all night
Ok i have to go now see u
Note to send me pic of u boobs

DON'T BE HATIN' ON MY MULLET

I came up with what I thought was a pretty good title for a post the other night, see above. I didn't know what to do with it until I found this bit crap and weirdness attempting to pass for romance (permalink). It was all about the first line of his, and my, post. And I added a romantic picture of Bruce Barry, whoever he is.

...writing the title was the easy part

here is what I would like to find - special lady to accompany me to county fairs, stock car races, and Lynyrd Skynyrd concerts. She should be willing to flash her tits at the band while I, can of bud in one hand and plastic lighter in the other, shout out as loudly as I can, “FREEBIRD....FREEBIRD.”

.... now me

never married no kids (been willing to settle down for some time but pick poorly)

women from 21 to 60 hit on me- it is more then likely the prodigious bulge in my crotchal region, which I stuff with 4 pairs of athletic socks and a giant rubber band ball.

i am not smart enough to lie convincingly - just a straight forward man - ask me a question, go on. Ask damnit!

ok there is a thumbnail of me if you are still interested please answer the following and then tell me something about yourself

MYSTERY MADMAN A VICTIM OF CRUEL CHARADE, SOME INNOCENT PAWN IN AN END GAME ONE MORE STALEMATE, IS DEATH ANOTHER BIRTHDAY?

DOES A SOUTHERN MAN DON'T NEED NEIL YOUNG AROUND ANYHOW

WHAT MAKES YOU - YOU

AND THE LAST ONE ARE YOU HATIN' ON MY MULLET

He gets letters:

"Good luck in your search - wish I was single again! I'm listening to Freebird right now! Hope you find the right person!"

"You mullet is a national treasure to me !!!!

Looking for over 40 single , divorced seperated or maybe a married white male. Im tired of the games ....I just want someone to date and have a good time with and if something comes from it well then its a plus. You can see my profile on match or yahoo under suthernbeautync. A RECENT picture is a must if you dont have one I will not respond. I am 5'8" so please be taller and I am full figured so if u are not looking for curvy, and voluptous then I am not for you. Local guys only around Herndon VA.

Bunny"

Hip Hop Lover / Ukulele Music Composer / Elephant Polo

He mentions everything but the big stick lodged in his ass (permalink)...

I'm tired of going on dates only to find I have no common interests with my date.

If you *really love* hip hop music (especially B2K, DMX, Freeway, Aceyalone, etc.) maybe we should meet. I'm interested in getting together a badass crew for dance battling to make money and get respect, but it doesn't necessarily have to develop into something more than friendship. I'm an avid composer and have written several "slow-jams" for the ukulele modeled after ConFunkShun's slow-jams. I'm a penis model working for the company that makes the Make it Big Power Pump. I am the “before” model.

Health is very important to me. I make creamy tomato millet soup just about every week and enjoy working out in various ways (elephant polo is my favorite sport, although I do some cardio regularly as well). Every morning I hand-grind wheat for cereal to which I add oat groats, rye flakes, craisins, and soy milk. I am in shape -- 6 ft 1 in, glasses, 170 pounds.

One more thing... I drive a 2005 H2. I believe it's important to compensate for a small penis by driving around in a giant automobile. I use the rest of my money to make money by making real, income producing opportunities such as loan-sharking or pimping. If you want a taste of my financial mindset, see "Hustle 'n' Flow" or "You Got Served" or “American Pimp.” I know it's uncouth to talk about a person's financial habits, but that's just the kind of guy I am.

I live in Adams Morgan off of Columbia Road, not far from 18^th Street.

I mapquested directions for you (if you're coming from Fairfax).

Free $10 Dollar $tore Shopping Spree

Whiskypants puts me up to another one as Kayla reminds me that pleated pants are out, even though I pointed out they make splendiferous crotchmosphere when I sit down. Oh yea, some big spender (permalink) wants to take some lucky lady on a $100 Victoria's Secret shopping "spree"...

If you're interested in getting ten dollars worth of absolutely free, no strings attached crap like plastic flip-flops that make your feet hurt or Glow In The Dark Dinosaur and Star Stickers or Easter Basket Grass or a pack of 6 Pairs of Black Shoelaces or a 4 " Deluxe Paint Brush from the Dollar $tore, let's meet at the Springfield Mall Dollar $tore. I have a $10 bill just burning a hole in my pleated khaki Dockers® and I'm feeling generous. You don't have to do a damn thing except show up and let me walk around with you while you shop. I might try touching you or ask you to do something of a sexual nature while you shop. I have a “problem” with boundaries and keeping my hands to myself.

Fear not: this is safe, public, and open... and I'm not a weirdo. Really, would I lie about something like that? I'm actually nice-looking. Please send photos and have nice firm buttocks.

Let's get you some free crap!

SWM, Amateur Gynecologist, coming up for air….finally

I'm not how one could be that incomprehensible (permalink) with that much education under his belt. Anyway, if you're in need of a pelvic on the cheap, please feel free to write. (I couldn't get another photo that I included in the original ad to upload...curse you blogger!)

{after wiping his mouth on his shirt sleeve}

notice, STOP THE PRESSES!...This is a personal ad that could possibly change your life as you know it, in tangible and meaning ways, shake the very core of your being, even lead you to question your ENTIRE belief structure, IF YOU ARE really ready to take plunge now,
operators are standing by, this offer only good for the first 30 respondents...

reprioritize your primary action items,

YOU shall be grateful because you are taking the time, that I request, to answer this extraordinary one of a kind offer.

My availability is one hell of an opportunity for all females with shave nether-regions to read, digest and then reply to; CLEARLY, at no time ever have you encountered such a rare specimen of man with such a sincere attempt on the part of THIS BRILLIANT MAN to seduce you with my charm and superior writing skills - Caucasian who you normally would encounter in bars and strip clubs or maybe stalking you from your work to home. Don't be afraid of that guy looking in your window tonight. It's just me. HI!!

A special thought for those that aren't probably typically reading craigslist ads.

I am really hoping that I draw the main hotties of craigslist from the ones who reply. Real trophy material, if you can cogitate what I'm articulating.

This swm, amateur gynecologist... M.A., enjoys cups of all sizes, usually. Want to get you over to my apartment for some complimentary and 'unique' pelvic exams as MY style of life requires ME to do so. I have determined that I want to spend more time doing personal research
in this area.

Maybe someday, I shall get around to impregnating you, but until that time we will need lots of how-to practice, and then, watch out:

Anyhow, this politically correct, intellectually perspicacious, man of high style, fashion, and taste should be further investigated by you for providing you a reason to realize the dreams you ALWAYS HAD HOPED TO REALIZE AND CHANGE YOUR LIFE IN WAYS YOU COULD NEVER IMAGINE BUT I CAN. I am REPLETE WITH SENSUOSITY and can be expert pleasure MACHINE...

Glove Slap!!

Or as Whiskypants put it, "I'll buy you a beer if you can take on this turkey (permalink)." I did. And I think she owes me a beer...


Ok, well I have tried this before and let's be honest, if I'm back posting, I can't take a hint.

So I'm a genuine rocker guy, who enjoys rockin' out and prefers to rock out in rockin' settings. I enjoy many other hobbies, including groovin' and chillin', but a good chunk of life is spent rockin' out.

I currently work a day job, and when I'm off, I'm rockin' hard. I do everything from teaching the fundamentals of rockin', keytar, and advanced rockin'!! My prices are reasonable.

However the big problem I have is, although I am a rockin' guy, I am not a rockstar. I have rockstar cravings, desire to have rockstar sexcapades with groupies, have groupies flashing me their goodies while I'm on stage, and partake in general licentiousness and debauchery. Instead of a soul mate, I'd prefer to have two girls working my package while I'm making out with a third, and a fourth is fetching me a fifth of Jack Daniels!

If your thinking "oh Rock boy! He must like hard rockin' rockers like Twisted Sister and Nelson," well I don't dislike hard rock, and you have to know your rock music, but I'm into what's generally called, Pop-Rock. That's basically anything from Janet Jackson to Men at Work, and it covers ALOT!!

So now onto other things that I do. I love Rock 'n' Bowl. I fancy myself a bit of gourmand. I'm a cunnilinguist, and like sampling new "dishes." I like movies, the zombie types, incestuous hillbilly soft core porn types, and serious hard core porn. I still need to see Zombie 4 and Edward Penishands. I like going out to see them and getting in on in the theater. I used to be a semi-professional volcano surfer. That was kewl. I love the outdoors, and long for a companion for drives around the inner loop, over and over. Hey, we're in Virginia. Now we're Maryland. Hey, we're in Virginia again! I like a nice round ass.

As for the rockin' guy I am, well I'm 6'1" and about 170 pounds and what would be called an average build. I have brown eyes. Very long eyelashes too, which I'm told women are envious of...hmm? I have a new 'do all the time: faux hawk, prince valiant, mullet, and the products for upkeep. Pics down below. I'm a smoker, but don't do drugs, disease free, and not a big drinker during the week.

As for the type of girl I'm after, well I'd like a non drug user like me. I don't care about your drinking habits, but if you're going to barf going down on me, I'm showin' your ass the door. Id hope you like my type of music and wanna hang out at shows. I'd prefer she be shorter than me (just can't do the tall girl thing)and body style best described as rockin' or smokin'. I like a girl that is rockin' or smokin' but has low self-esteem and is willing to share with other rockin' or smokin' women with low self-esteem (see above)!!!

Well I will be waiting to hear from you. Please include a pic. Talk to you soon!

Mr. BananaHammock

Another Velvet Dare

I sent Velvet this picture and said something like "I'm going to put an ad in craigslist with this picture and the title of the post is going to be, 'Looking to Tie the Knot.'" She dared me to do so. I said it's not much of a dare, as I more or less ran a similar ad in January, but a dare still is a dare. I couldn't figure out how to keep it light and breezy and change it a great deal...and many thanks to the Phanton of the Bordello for the photoshopping...

Hiya Ladies! I'm basically looking for someone to chill with a strap-on and knows knots and stuff pretty well. I've been hoping to find someone to tie up my testicles, which are outrageously big due to lack of sex, but most girls don't know the difference between a Slipped Buntline Hitch and a Poldo Tackle. I work in Falls Church as a kudu wrangler and chin model. There's more and if you're interested I'd love to tell you.

"Reconnecting with Omari" by Mr. BananaHammock (not Omari)

I was beginning to think that my "not Omari" series was going to have to be retired. Omari hadn't posted in a while. Then today, joy (permalink)! I was also busy with a self-portrait photo shoot today. I think I look a little deranged in this one.

I spend a fair amount of time in virtual worlds. My “job” requires that I spend a lot of time perusing the Craigslist M4W personal ads – dissecting them, commenting on them through the generous use of satire, even sometimes writing my own original prose that was not inspired by some quirky poster. This post, obviously, is not the case here.

Oddly enough I was thinking about Omari today and how I hadn't seen a post of his in a long time. Had he died? Had he found true love? Had he blogged himself completely insane? I visited his site today and nope, he is still alive and kicking, sharing his musings with all of us online folk. And then, an hour later, his Craigslist ad.

That “garlic aroma” that Omari cites in his post is caused by the mixing of allin and allinase which are present in garlic. The allin and allinase mixing occurs when the clove is crushed, or sliced, or milled, or chopped or whatever, and the allin and allinase combine to create allicin, which is credited with providing many of the health benefits attributed to garlic, including that great garlicy smell.

Patricia Arquette is said to have been quoted that her and her former husband Nicholas Cage had made this agreement that they would eat raw garlic during love scenes in their movies. When she was filming "Nightwatch" with Ewan McGregor, a problem arose. She said, “So I ate all these cloves of raw garlic... Ewan's allergic to raw garlic apparently, so... (laughs)" Laughs? Make me sort of wonder where she was kissing Ewan and what was swelling?

In any event, I'm not sure anaphylactic shock is a laughing matter. In some cases it can cause death. And those with peanut allergies I am told are especially susceptible. And also, where would we be without his great portrayals of Lincoln Six Echo in “The Island” or Christian in “Moulin Rouge” or even Star Wars I: The Phantom Menace as Obi-Wan Kenobi had he succomed to the wicked machinations of Ms. Arquette? I doubt Heath Ledger, for example, could run as well or sing as well (although from his performance in “Brokeback Mountain” he'd probably be fine swinging around his lightsaber) as Ewan.

I was watching The Patriot on cable last night in which Heath Ledger plays the supporting actor role of Gabriel Martin, a young, brash kid who defies his father, played by Mel Gibson, and joins the army to go to war against the British. Mel Gibson's middle name is Columcille, which ironically enough is also the name of a Megalith park and Celtic art center “a playground of myth and mystery” located in the Appalachian Mountains in eastern Pennsylvania where unleashed pets and open fires are not permitted.

Columcille (521-597 A.D.) was also the Irish Celtic Monk who founded the Celtic monastery on the Island of Iona off Scotland where the Book of Kells was created, and converted the pagan Northern Picts (Northern Scots) to Christ. He lived about 60 years after St. Patrick Interestingly enough, Celts were big fans of garlic and even introduced its formal name, Allium sativum. And Mel Gibson portrayed the Celtic struggle of the Wallace clan in his film “Braveheart” and brought us all closer to Jesus in his production of “The Passion of Christ.” The parallels are astounding.

On that note I think it's time I climb out of this virtual world and enter the physical one now...I need to go grocery shopping and I think I may need a reality check.

Question for the Ladies

I've read this post six or seven times and cannot figure out what is going on with him (permalink). His title seems to tell us he's looking for a woman to watch him get it on with another guy, but it turns into something rather different. Maybe some nice craigslister will help me out?

So I'm about 6 feet tall and about 170 lbs. I could be in better shape than I am but I'm a bit on the gangly side, carrying most of my weight around my midsection. OK, so the theory of intelligent design holds that certain of the universe and of living things are best explained by an intelligent cause rather than an undirected process such as natural selection. If this were so, could somebody explain to me the “Would You Like To Watch Two Men – 49” guy and how his love of animals might factor into your decision to take him up on his generous offer?

I also like animals, small children, and getting funky (but not with animals and small children).

Thanks.

Poorly Spoofed Mr. BananaHammock makes Mr. BannaHammock Rage

I generally don't mind when people poke fun at me. I have a pretty self-deprecating sense of humor. But when they write this bad (permalink), it kind of pisses me off. Oh yea, Mark Leyner homage.

While I am generally flattered that high government officials in European countries are interested in importing my image and style, and that some craigslisters co-opt my image and style for the purposes of seducing the lovelies (there are plenty to go around of course), I am not flattered when they copy it so poorly. I’m at work. I’m perusing craigslist. I’m in my Carla Behrle leather pants. No shirt. A combination of Deca-durabolin and bad imposters sends me into a rage. With purpose I stand up and claw at my medallion of a Buddha Vitarka Mudra flanked by a couple of Bodhisattvas it bounces off my rock hard pecs. I pose. Front Double Biceps. It doesn’t quiet the rage. Front Lat Spread. It doesn’t quiet the rage. Back Double Biceps and I’m still raging. Following my signature Back Lat Spread, I figure I am beyond a good pump. I need to find my center.

Instead of a pump, I will hone my craft: the ancient and deadly art of Shohei-Ryu-Bollywood Karate. I put on my kashmiri styled silk kurta-lehenga and enter the Shohei-Ryu-Bollywood Karate dojo. I practice Snake-creeps-down-and performs-the-dance-of-the-Shakti and Golden-cock-stands-on-one-leg-Dhandia on the China Red Freestanding Wing Chun Dummy as I sing Tere Bina Zindagi Se:

Tere Bina Zindagi Se Koi, Shikva, To Nahin,
Shikva Nahin
Shikva Nahin, Shikva Nahin
Tere Bina Zindagi Bhi Lekin, Zindagi, To Nahin, Zindagi Nahin Zindagi Nahin,
Zindagi Nahin

Kash Aisa Ho Tere Kadamon Se, Chun Ke Manzil Chale
Aur Kahin Dur Kahin
Tum Gar Saath Ho, Manzilon Ki Kami To Nahin
Tere Bina Zindagi Se Koi, Shikva, To Nahin, Shikva Nahin

I don’t know what the words mean, but the sound will truly frighten any opponent.

Me you ask? Big chunky jewelry on men. Superior posing. Steroids. Martial arts. That is what I am about. And if you think you can handle my superior display of masculine prowess, please look me up. Your pic gets mine.

Watch Me J.O.

Sometimes perusing craigslist m4w there is that one post that makes me throw up a little in my mouth (permalink). Invariably the post belongs in casual encounters but for some reason the fella just wants to share with a wider audience. Go figure. Now I need something to get the bile taste out of my mouth. Ladies? You game?

OK ladies, I'd love to juice oranges while you watch. It's my thrill. Any takers? Age, race, looks unimportant. Just an attentive set of eyes gets me going while I'm getting my Vitamin C on. I'm an attractive, 6'1", 168, H/W proportionate, professioanl type WM. 

Wanted: Worldly, Sexy, Passionate, Confident, Catch - 26

Apropos of nothing, the evil Ms. Velvet encouraged me to write a W4M ad in craigslist today. Why? So I could see how the better half lived? So that I could see that they got the best of it all since they could pick and choose among literally hundreds of responses to their ads while us men got only maybe one or two responses from whomever? I demurred. I couldn't possibly write such an ad; I've only been reading M4W ads and wouldn't know how to write a girl. She says, "The beauty isn't in the ad. It's in the responses. You have to abandon your old way of thinking." I abandoned my old way of thinking and came up with this, something that would probably attract everyone -- thin, curves in the right places, not out for a guy's money, sexual (note the winky emoticon about anything athletic....

Hi:

Ideally I'd love to meet a man who is outgoing, confident, well traveled, not married, not a big drunk, smart, sexy, athletic or skinny (but not skinnier than me), and fun. I just got out of a painful relationship and I am not looking for anything too serious. Please be 6’0” or taller.

I have my own money and I don’t need yours. I am a blond, tall, thin female with curves in the right places. I love the arts, the bar scene, and anything athletic ;-).

I wasn't prepared for what followed. It wasn't so much the myriad responses from guys that referred to me as "baby," "understood my pain," "shared similar interests" (even though I don't think I indicated any), or the perverts that wanted to know about my shoe preference or whether or not I owned silk in my closet, the multitude of horrible photos (thankfully no dick-pics). What I wasn't prepared for were the comments that I made to Velvet after all of the replys started pouring into my mailbox. So these are some of my "on-the-spot reactions":

"I mean 1/2 don't meet my height requirements, and my first responder
was obviously canned. He starts out with "excuse me if my response
sounds disjointed because I just wrote this so here goes...." then followed with 12 long paragraphs. Another canned responder didn't even bother to fake it [he just cut/paste so that the >'s were visible.

Then there was...Don't get me started on the perverts and those that can feel my pain of just being out of a long relationship.

And of course...And if another guy calls me "sweetie" I'm going to lose it. I'm not a child, I'm a grown wom--er an adult!!

I closed it, more or less, with my favorite so far! He's mine so don't get any ideas. I'm really not gay...

So, basically for me NO=MAYBE=YES.

And hopefully, Velvet, the world will not implode upon itself.

Yours in Science,

Mr. BananaHammock

Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?

Under the title "George Seeking My Martha" I finally do my take on the Matrixman (permalink), who has been for the last several months Neo looking for his Trinity. He claims to be swimming in the deep end of the pool, but I'm thinking that he's probably has those floaty things on his forearms.

Did you see the movie? That is the kind of love that I want in my life. Remember how Martha, played by Elizabeth Taylor says to Richard Burton as George, "Hey, swamp! Hey swampy!" And George replies, "Yes, Martha? Can I get you something?" and Martha says, "Ah, well, sure. You can, um, light my cigarette, if you're of a mind to." Then George says, "No. There are limits. I mean, a man can put up with only so much without he descends a rung or two on the old evolutionary ladder, which is up your line. Now, I will hold your hand when it's dark and you're afraid of the boogeyman and I will tote your gin bottles out after midnight so no one can see but I will not light your cigarette. And that, as they say, is that." And here's poor George Segal and Sandy Dennis who don't know what to make of any of it!

While I know that it is just a movie and this is just CL I am realistic that a love like this will probably not come about as a result of this ad. I still don't think that I should give up and I know that my gin-swilling Martha is out there. I am 6'1" weigh 168 lbs, athletic, and good looking. I graduated a few years ago from UVa with my Master's so the air of superiority that I cultivate is pretty genuine. Most of my friends would say that I nuts.

If the idea of hanging out sounds intriguing to you and you would like to meet for copious amounts of alcohol, and you might be inclined to think that you are the Earth Mother and men are all flops, please leave me a note and I will respond as soon as I can.

Please send a pic with your response. I hope to hear from you soon.

Peace, Mr. BananaHammock

allcaps... A-L-L-C-A-P-S!!!

If allcaps wasn't bad enough, he's not even coherent....(permalink). Oh, and a shout out to Velvet in Dupont who was the inspiration for the "sit on my face fetish." And no, not the way you'd normally think...

I OFTEN WONDER HOW MANY PENNIES IT WOULD TAKE TO REACH FROM THE EARTH TO THE MOON, STACKED LIKED PANCAKES BUT ALSO STACKED “END-TO-END” AND WHAT THE DIFFERENCE IN THE AMOUNT OF PENNIES YOU’D NEED TO DO IT BOTH WAYS. I ALSO OFTEN WONDER WHAT HEADING WOULD ATTRACT THE MAIN HOTTIE CRAIGSLIST LADIES..

(TOO BAD THIS THING DOESNT HAVE A MAIN HOTTIE METER ON IT TO SEE HOW MANY MAIN HOTTIES RESPOND)

OK BUT SINCE I HAVE YOU HERE.. MAYBE THIS WILL DROP THE NUMBERS BY ME SAYING..

**I'M AMERICAN (THIS MEANS I LIKE MY MEALS TO BE IN LARGE PORTION FORMAT; I WATCH A LOT OF TELEVISION; I’M XENOPHOBIC; I SPEAK LOUDLY, ESPECIALLY IN FOREIGN COUNTRIES THAT DON’T USE ENGLISH AS THEIR OFFICIAL LANGUAGE IN HOPES I WILL BE UNDERSTOOD; I BELIEVE THE WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION ARE SOMEWHERE IN THE NORTH, SOUTH, EAST, OR WEST OF BAGHDAD..)

**I BELIEVE IN ALL-CAPS; AND SO DID THE ROMANS..

**WHY WOULD YOU DESIRE A GOOD MAN AND THEN GO OFF WITH SOME GUY WHO FETISHIZES YOU SITTING ON HIS FACE OR SOME GUY WHO WANTS TO LICK YOUR FEET? IS IT JUST ME OR WOULDNT IT BE APPARENT THAT THE GOOD MAN WOULD WANT SOME QUALITY TIME WITH YOUR THIGHS WRAPPED AROUND HIS HEAD WHILE YOUR SITTING ON HIS FACE OR LICKING YOUR FEET? TASTE IS SUBJECTIVE! LITERALLY AND FIGURATIVELY, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN..

** THERE IS SO MUCH THAT CAN BE SHARED – LIKE GOOD TIMES, DISEASES, THE TOE NAIL CLIPPINGS I COLLECT, AND OTHER SUCH STUFF..

**LOOK I FULLY EXPECT FOR THE MAIN HOTTIES TO BE LOOKING HERE FOR A DATE. SO AS FOR MY SPECIFACATIONS AS TO WHO SHOULD RESPOND, I WOULD SUGGEST TO FEEL FREE TO DO SO IF YOU ARE A MAIN HOTTIE?

**I DO REALIZE THAT FOR YOU TO EVEN BE ON THIS SITE - READING INTO A HEADLINE SUCH AS MINE - HAVING MADE IT THIS FAR THROUGH THE BULLSHIT MEANS THAT MAYBE YOU ARE REALLY REALLY REALLY DESPARATE. I MEAN REALLY DESPARATE; MAYBE YOU AND I ARE ON THAT UNIQUE UNDERSTANDING..

MY BALLS ARE IN YOUR COURT. WILL YOU HIT THEM BACK? BE GENTLE..

YOU CAN BE THE PERSON THAT I DONT SIMPLY HIT ON IN BARS OR THE METRO OR THE 42 BUS, THE ONES THAT I SAY THINGS LIKE, “HEY, DID YOU CLEAN YOUR PANTS WITH WINDEX? I CAN PRACTICALLY SEE MYSELF IN THEM,”

I DON’T END SENTENCES WITH PREPOSITIONS, THEREFORE YOU CAN BE THE PERSON THAT I KNOW HOW AND WHERE TO GET A HOLD OF, BIATCH!

I'm funnier than your last date, he was a douchebag! I'm not gay

This guy (permalink) seems to really be insecure in his heterosexuality. I'm not sure what liking cats and Kelly Clarkson have to do with being gay, but he sure seems to think there is some connection. Maybe if one of his past times was destroying healthy Christian marriages?

Hey

Thanks for checking out my ad, a wiser decision could not have been made by you!

So here is a little about me:

I have been single for a while now, getting tired of trying to meet people on my morning commute and decided to try something different. Hoping to meet someone for friendship and maybe more.

I am a SWM, 6'1", in pretty good shape. I am originally from the midwest, but have lived out here a little more than 10 years.

Quick facts:
-Queer as Folk was my favorite show, but I'm not gay.
-My favorite food is brunch. I would kill for it and crave it every day, but I'm not gay.
-I have a Shih Tzu that I carry around everywhere, and am not gay
-I like show tunes, but freaking love ABBA, Pet Shop Boys, Kylie Minogue, Bronski Beat, Bette Midler, and Cher....I repeat, I am not gay
-I say in a rather loud voice "Abercrombie & Fitch is so OVER!" whenever I pass one of their stores...so not gay
-I am currently wearing an Aveda Tourmaline Charged Radiance Masque...not gay.
-I regularly bake ketamine for recreational use
-I love vodka gimlets and Chocolate Choo Choos. They taste like candy.

I am really a normal guy, with quirks like anyone else. Lets exchange emails and please attach your pic, I will reply with mine. If you dont reply, then the terrorists have won...not gay.

Take care, hope to hear from you soon.

Can you handle my version of man on woman sensuality?

On days when there is nothing particularly mock-worthy, or the thougth of perusing M4W makes me throw up a little in my mouth butI have time to write a post, I write these Mark Leyner inspired numbers....


I’m sitting here at my keyboard digesting my lunch. Panda-burger with cheddar, lightly dusted with Goat Anti-Rat Growth Hormone Polyclonal Antibodies. No bun. Listening to Rilo Kiley. The vocal stylings of Jenny Lewis soothe my ‘roid rage. It’s the Deca-durabolin and the handfuls of PUMP TECH™ washed down with ISS Effervescent Creatine Orange and shots of Goldschlager that keep my body in top physical form.

Important meeting today. I’m in my Carla Behrle leather pants. No shirt. Blue Armani frames with blue tinted glasses to better stalk my prey. At Farragut North I notice her. Red hair. Fair skin. Small nose stud. Once off the 42 I give her my Front Double Biceps, Front Lat Spread, Side Chest, Back Double Biceps, and signature Back Lat Spread. Too late. She’s walking away down I Street. Not too late, however, for the lovelies heading to work wherever. They whip themselves into a frenzied lather as they take it all in -- muscle mass, ripped definition, intensity, stamina, mental focus. I am barely able to make my way to the Farragut West metro station. I’ve got women hanging off my arms and legs as I walk toward the escalator, shaking them off of me one at a time

My meeting? Isaac Mizrahi has designed a line of flannel shirts with the arms pre-ripped off for yours truly and others who appreciate a good pump. I will be modeling them on runways from Paris to Milan to New York in part gratitude to Isaac Mizrahi for thinking of yours truly, in part as a cross promotional opportunity for MuscleTech® supplements, such as CELL-TECH™ and ACETABOLAN III®, and because high government officials in European countries are interested in importing my image and style.

Me you ask? High fashion. Total fitness and power. Product endorsement. Steroids. Posing for lovelies That is what I am about. And if you think you can handle the sublime beauty and hyper-erotic nature of my version of man on woman sensuality, you know where to get in touch.

Just another day in the life of Mr. Banana Hammock

Yes, just another day...Mark Leyner inspired....

A chilly Friday morning. Out of bed much earlier than usual, I get the circulation going practicing my pose down combinations in the mirror and jump in the shower. I slather on Jan Tan Hair Remover. A great product. It eliminates razor burn, cuts and bumps from shaving and painful waxing. And there is nothing more uncomfortable than two days of growth on your scrotum when you’re packed into a banana hammock. Take my word for it.

Anyway, I’m air drying in the kitchen of my Adams Morgan compound. CNN is blaring in the background and I am eating a breakfast specially designed for my nutritional and bodybuilding needs: Golfina huevos rancheros (the eggs I have flown in from their nesting grounds on Playa Escobilla in the spring), Koala sausages, and shots of Goldschlager to enhance my inner bling. Dry, I slip into my Carla Behrle leather pants. No shirt. Baby blue mink/chinchilla jacket. Brown Jean LaFont glasses with orange-tinted lenses to better stalk my prey. I’m waiting for the 42 to whisk me down to the Orange line. Farragut West. My daily commute.

I’m riding earlier than usual and we pick up a couple of really lovely lovelies a few stops ahead. I give them a couple of poses before I settle into my New Yorker: Front Double Biceps, Front Lat Spread, Side Chest, Back Double Biceps, and signature Back Lat Spread. They are both impressed by my ripped definition, my pose routine, my threads, and of course my inner bling. The blond swoons, the brunette wants a charcoal rubbing of my abs. Neither asks me to sign their breasts, although I keep a Mr. Sharpie on hand just in case. On metro I’m thinking that I’ll hit the gym before I hit the office. I’m thinking, lime green banana hammock is a good look for Friday in the gym. I’m thinking, my pecs, abs and biceps are in sore need of a workout as far as I’m concerned. Preacher Reverse Curl, Seated Concentration Curl, Crossover Chest Fly, Pullover Crunch. These are on the menu.

Me you ask? Air drying. Eating exotic and endangered animals for breakfast. Drinking in the morning. Reading magazines. Fur coats for men. Hairless nether-regions. That is what I am about. And if you are tired of the “free erotic massage” guys and the other New Age milquetoasts of craigslist, drop me a line. Your pic gets mine.

He gets "shout-outs" on craigslist:

"How did you know I was considering a rubbing of your abs?I was also pondering doing a quick alginate casting but you got off at your stop before I could decide. I wonder if the 5 Bloody Maries slowed my thoughts ,anyway I was thinking that your baby blue mink chinchilla jacket(are minks chinchillas?) would look soo hot with my 7 jeans that I wear to my waitress job. I have no benefits but I will look good as they cut them off me in an ER one day.
Anyway-like I was thinking before I popped a quick dissolve xanex on my tongue and lost my ability to care about anything.--that I could stay over at your Adams Morgan compound and that I could borrow your clothes .While you are out ,alot, working on your physique I will cook white rhino bacon and Golfina omelets with tomatoes and spinach.When you return you can take me out ,I will order cocktails using top shelf liquors even though the mixers will make it impossible to tell the difference. I will glare at the waitress so she will know whose man you are and criticize her clothes and hair and her weight as she walks away.You will agree and pay the check if you want to get into this Dolce &Gabbana skirt and La Perla panties."

Extreme Athlete/Sex Coach SEEKING Model-like-Shrill Girl

Italian model guy looking for Model-like-Fitness girl. Whites only (permalink).

New To Area/Very FIRST time posting/SEEKING QUALITY-ATTRACTIVE-SHRILL GIRL

I'm thrifty, brave, and kind, and I'm basically a lump of hairy man-flesh with a rock n roll attitude (I play a mean air guitar; you’re reaction is probably “wicked sweet”; I know mine would be). I like my job as an extreme athlete and sex coach (because I everything I do is extreme!); there's nothing more extreme than sky-surfing or volcano-skiing or shark-wrangling or bungee-para-blading. I am also exceptionally good at “Free Cell.” I am particularly adept at sitting still for long periods of time. I have several pairs of sweatpants. I'm more than just a pretty face. My body is attuned to your needs as I am conversant in all forms of man on woman sensuality. I know how to make a girl cry by telling her that her butt looks big in those jeans. I want someone to iron chef with, someone who might want to juggle knives or chainsaws or both, or maybe someone who can play a mean air base and knows someone who plays air drums so we can form a power trio.

About me and who I'd like to date; how do you describe what you are looking for? I’m looking for that special girl that drinks too much at the restaurant and becomes verbally abusive to the waitstaff. Outside, after we’re thrown out for disturbing the other patrons, my special girl will verbally abusive toward a group of large and drunk men, forcing me to "protect her honor" against my will, leaving me with a concussion, bruises, and a few broken ribs. She will complain constantly on a date about everything, but particularly that her feet hurt, that it’s too cold out, and that she has to pee if we’re on a nice evening stroll around town. She will be highly critical of my lifestyle. She dislikes my clothing and furniture and is openly hostile toward my friends and other women who might speak to me. She uses sex as a weapon and pouts frequently when she doesn’t get her way. Are you her?

If you wanna get a hold of me, its EXTREMESEXY344 on the AIM - yellow running guy - or MRBANANAHAMMOCK on the G...(mention you got my name from here)

Craigslist keywords: extreme, sex coach, bungee-para-blading, free cell, power trio, air guitar