Just another day in the life of Mr. Banana Hammock

Yes, just another day...Mark Leyner inspired....

A chilly Friday morning. Out of bed much earlier than usual, I get the circulation going practicing my pose down combinations in the mirror and jump in the shower. I slather on Jan Tan Hair Remover. A great product. It eliminates razor burn, cuts and bumps from shaving and painful waxing. And there is nothing more uncomfortable than two days of growth on your scrotum when you’re packed into a banana hammock. Take my word for it.

Anyway, I’m air drying in the kitchen of my Adams Morgan compound. CNN is blaring in the background and I am eating a breakfast specially designed for my nutritional and bodybuilding needs: Golfina huevos rancheros (the eggs I have flown in from their nesting grounds on Playa Escobilla in the spring), Koala sausages, and shots of Goldschlager to enhance my inner bling. Dry, I slip into my Carla Behrle leather pants. No shirt. Baby blue mink/chinchilla jacket. Brown Jean LaFont glasses with orange-tinted lenses to better stalk my prey. I’m waiting for the 42 to whisk me down to the Orange line. Farragut West. My daily commute.

I’m riding earlier than usual and we pick up a couple of really lovely lovelies a few stops ahead. I give them a couple of poses before I settle into my New Yorker: Front Double Biceps, Front Lat Spread, Side Chest, Back Double Biceps, and signature Back Lat Spread. They are both impressed by my ripped definition, my pose routine, my threads, and of course my inner bling. The blond swoons, the brunette wants a charcoal rubbing of my abs. Neither asks me to sign their breasts, although I keep a Mr. Sharpie on hand just in case. On metro I’m thinking that I’ll hit the gym before I hit the office. I’m thinking, lime green banana hammock is a good look for Friday in the gym. I’m thinking, my pecs, abs and biceps are in sore need of a workout as far as I’m concerned. Preacher Reverse Curl, Seated Concentration Curl, Crossover Chest Fly, Pullover Crunch. These are on the menu.

Me you ask? Air drying. Eating exotic and endangered animals for breakfast. Drinking in the morning. Reading magazines. Fur coats for men. Hairless nether-regions. That is what I am about. And if you are tired of the “free erotic massage” guys and the other New Age milquetoasts of craigslist, drop me a line. Your pic gets mine.

He gets "shout-outs" on craigslist:

"How did you know I was considering a rubbing of your abs?I was also pondering doing a quick alginate casting but you got off at your stop before I could decide. I wonder if the 5 Bloody Maries slowed my thoughts ,anyway I was thinking that your baby blue mink chinchilla jacket(are minks chinchillas?) would look soo hot with my 7 jeans that I wear to my waitress job. I have no benefits but I will look good as they cut them off me in an ER one day.
Anyway-like I was thinking before I popped a quick dissolve xanex on my tongue and lost my ability to care about anything.--that I could stay over at your Adams Morgan compound and that I could borrow your clothes .While you are out ,alot, working on your physique I will cook white rhino bacon and Golfina omelets with tomatoes and spinach.When you return you can take me out ,I will order cocktails using top shelf liquors even though the mixers will make it impossible to tell the difference. I will glare at the waitress so she will know whose man you are and criticize her clothes and hair and her weight as she walks away.You will agree and pay the check if you want to get into this Dolce &Gabbana skirt and La Perla panties."