I'd like to soil you. Or me. I can never get this one straight...

Im a 37 SWM, happy, snappy, not (sometimes) nappy but crappy, and oops, kind of sappy. I'm easy on the eyes, legs, and shoulders. It'll be easy going down on me, looking for friendship and romance is good, but I like a pulse. I wanna to soil you and you'll get the same in return!

I have lots of pictures to exchange...

Christian Massage - Oil, Candles, Jars of Clay CD

I guess you cannot blame him for trying. And trying. And trying. And trying (permalink).

Single Christian male seeking a good Christian lady who believes sex is a shameful act against God except for making babies. I live alone with a complete collection of Davey and Goliath videos. I attend church on a regular basis, but have not met there what I am looking for: a white female virgin for some godly Christian massage with the intent of marriage and children. So I am trying this over the Internet. I believe a man and a woman should spend time together in prayer, judging the unsaved.

I have several choices of oil (lavender, Bergaamot Mint, and Myrtle Lemon), incense that while inspire high levels of spirituality, and Jars of Clay's “Jars of Clay” CD. I have edible body dusts that I can lick off you and arousal balms for your nipples and genitals when our union is sanctified by Jesus. I have a box of Franzia chilling in the fridge if you desire adult libations, but more than one glass could be a bad idea. Remember Noah (Genesis 9:21,24). Please be literate, attractive, thin, and love Jesus.

I have references you can call. Yes the pic is me. I have others that I can trade. I have one where I am at a Promise Keepers rally. I have another where I am throwing a molotov cocktail at a local abortion mill. You must also have pics. I am highly selective with regard to who I choose to rub in a Christian manner. We must also talk on the phone before meeting so I know you aren't a guy. I don't want to rub down a guy. It's against nature and an affront to God.

Not interested in Catholics, Presbyterians, Methodists, Episcopalians, Secular Humanists, Vegans, Europeans, or any other such cultists who might introduce me to exotic new ideas that might cause me to question my True Christian Beliefs. I will, however, pray for your quick end and a speedy journey to a very hot place, where you will be spending all eternity roasting in a literal lake of fire, Amen.


He gets letters:

"We are a group of single Christian women looking for a group massage because to do it one on one would be a sin. We attend church on a regular basis but secretly lust after a man who wants to massage us in an unChristian manner. It would also be nice if he could spearfish. We are very literate and attractive. Some are whiter than others. Some are thinner than others. But we all love Jesus. We also believe that a man and a woman should spend time together in prayer, on thier knees, naked and prostate before God.

We prefer sandalwood and jasmine scents. One of us is amazingly musical and writes her own praise music. In addition to Jesus we also love Sufijan Stevens and Striper.

Franzia is so not acceptable to God. We like a good bottle of wine.

We are Anglicans (no Episcopalians, thank you very much!), Mennonites (peace loving Anabaptists) and non denominational Protestants (do we know any Catholics???) and get this, some of us, date non-Christians. Some of us make out regularly with non Christians but we only rub in a Christian manner with men who could be our husbands. Read: Proverbs 31.

If you think you can handle us and only all of us (because we only group date), write us back."

Looking for my REAL DOLL™ who will do what I want SEXUALLY - Asian

A friend put it better than I ever could:

"I'm surprised that he didn't just go ahead and tell us what her perfect woman's name should be. Talk about picky. I see what he gets out of this, but what is he offering the perfect woman, beyond the opportunity to cook, clean up after him and cater to his every sexual whim...I particularly like that should the woman of his dreams insist on working after the first date, accounting would be a good field...."

Accounting? (permalink)

I am looking for a committed relationship with a REAL DOLL™. She is always committed to doing everything I want whenever I want. She will be cute with large breasts and purple hair and Asian. Her skeletal system will be too flexible and collapsible to allow her to stand upright and she'll have the poise and relaxed state of a sleeping girl. My special girl will have "natural" looking silicone rubber skin that can withstand over 400 degrees of heat without melting, and she will be able safely support over 400 lbs though I am much thinner than that. Where are you, baby?

Mr. Bananahammock says "Be my Valentine, Bitch!"

~ flagged and removed by craigslist "bitches" ~

Single man seeking woman to practice his coitus skills on

Partially inspired by a weird post I think was flagged and removed, the gentleman was looking for a surrogate to have his baby but his wife wasn't too happy about the whole thing or something.

Hi

I once read somewhere that before you can love another you have to learn to love yourself. With the aid of internet porn, that is exactly what I have been doing. I think I have finally learned to love myself correctly and am now ready to practice that love on another woman.

A little about me: 37 yrs old, 6’0” and about 172 lbs. I come from the Midwest. I speak two languages fluently, English and Michigander English. I also know some French, German, and Italian. I am quite skilled at cooking, watching television, crossword puzzling, and napping. I am also well practiced in loving myself with the aid of “barely legal” internet porn.

About you? I’m not sure. I figure someone around my age would be appropriate, but since I have be practicing my love on the imaginary barely legal variety of female I’m not sure if there are physiological differences between 30 yr old women and 18 yr old women that would confuse me and interfere with my ability to practice my coitus skills on you. I trust you to know better than I do, being a woman and all. You, not me, right? Anyway, I guess you should be nice to look at. Also, you should probably know what coitus is so that you can coach me if I’ve got my knee somewhere it isn’t supposed to be or my hand accidentally ends up in the wrong place, etc. I mean, I don’t want to end up sticking my penis in your belly button and I’m thinking we’re having unsafe sex that would result in pregnancy. That would freak me out!

PLZ! only attractive WHITE females that are able/willing to allow me to practice my coitus skills on.....

Thx for your time

36 Hours To Find My Mate

I'm sure this one will be flagged by the cl community....

Many women feel as though ED is somehow their fault. It is. Your body continues to go through many changes as you reach midlife, possibly causing you to face some sexual dysfunction. Problems with sexual desire, arousal, orgasm, and sexual pain (dyspareunia) may all occur owing to hormonal and other changes at menopause. Surgical procedures in the pelvic area can also affect the nerves and blood vessels leading to the vagina and hinder sensation for arousal. Vaginal dryness is a typical concern of many women after menopause. Also, unlike men, you grow much uglier with age. That is why I've just taken a CIALIS®. I would prefer a much younger woman with which to have intercourse considering all of the above, but will be able to successfully mate with an older, unattractive woman for up to 36 hours provided you bring enough lubricants.

Perhaps afterward we can relax and hold hands in adjoining clawfoot tubs in a meadow or take a nice walk through a vineyard.

He gets letters:

"You might want to try the six flags bus."

My weakness is your boobies

I must possess your EYES! Creepy (permalink).

Yes, in spite of what you might hear about men, we are all not alike. When I first look at a woman, I look at her boobies.

I come home from a hard day of shift work at the spelling and punctuation factory. I’m exhausted because the exclamation point (!) feeder bin is jammed again, so I have to push the emergency stop button and climb on the machinery and clear the feeder with a broom handle. Then the foreman starts yelling at me because I’m slowing down production (like it’s my fault, friggin’ machinery) and there is a shortage of exclamation points and that there’s a vital need for exclamation points over at craigslist M4W, and if they run out, what are they going to use, question marks??? Not likely.

So I tell the foreman that I am going to stick this broom handle where the sun don’t shine. Of course not where the sun don’t shine on me, but where the sun don’t shine on him. And he turns all red and steam starts pouring out of his ears and I say if he don’t like it, he can take it up with the shop steward. The factory is a union shop, after all, and I’m not taking any guff from management without the presence of my union rep.

Ok, so back to your boobies. If your boobies have that special shape, and they jiggle when you laugh, or bounce wildly when you jump up and down because you’re not wearing a sports bra, I am just in heaven. Of course there are other parts of you and your body that are important, just not to me. Some people like to know that their woman has a head. Not me. I couldn’t care less. Except for your mouth, as long as you’re not using it to talk. The rest of your body? Well, okay, let’s say slim to average.

Your boobies are thrust forward when we meet, your cleavage like a sort of vertical smile. Your boobies know when I’ve been a bad boy and know that bad boys need to be punished by being smothered by your boobies. Your boobies don’t care that I am a 37 year old white guy who acts like a 22 year old white guy. Your boobies are the first thing I visualize when we speak over the phone. I close my eyes and imagine that you’re rubbing them with baby oil or Cetaphil® Moisturizing Lotion, which by the way, contains a superior system of extra-strength emollients and humectants, clinically proven to bind water to the skin and prevent moisture loss, which is important because they can become chapped from all the kissing and licking, right?

Anyway, so I come home after a long day at the spelling and punctuation factory and I check out your boobies, which almost seems to brighten my day. I get fully brightened after I motorboat ‘em. Then you fetch me a beer. As we sit on the sofa and eat dinner off of TV trays, I grope your boobies which appear pale from the soft glow of the television set. With one hand on my beer, the other on the remote, we sit on the sofa and watch American Idol. Well, you’re watching American Idol. I’m staring at your boobies.

It's your boobies.