"Making fun of fat people" by Mr. Banana Hammock (not Omari)

Omari hasn't posted in a while. Too bad.

I'm into my 25th day of unemployment and I find myself hopelessly addicted to "Little House on the Prairie." I follow the trials of the Ingalls family and shared their joys and heartaches as they move from Walnut Creek to Winetka in the Dakota territories owing to greedy railroad companies (bad men), Mary's blindness, but I haven't been touched by a story so deeply as I have by today's episode "The Man Inside." And the lesson I learned? Making fun of fat people is not a victimless crime.

The third episode of the fifth season of "Little House on the Prairie," "The Man Inside" tells the story of Amelia, a new girl that Laura meets in school, who is ashamed of her very overweight father, John Bevins, played by Cliff 'Fatty' Emmich. 'Fatty' played a lot of fat guy roles throughout his career, including 'Fat Stranger' in "Slither," 'Obese Promoter' in "All the Marbles," 'Tubby Comfort' in "Columbo: No Time to Die," and 'Fat Man at Telegraph Office' in "Thunderbolt and Lightfoot."

Amelia is the character that I was hot for. Good looks, long blonde hair, boobies. Played by Julie Anne Haddock, Amelia's character was a bit hard on her poor fat dad. Her father works at the blind school where Mary works. All the blind students like him a lot. They claim that they can see his love. One day, Laura and some other students from school, start making fun of the overweight person, not knowing that they were making fun of Amelia's father. Amelia's father pretends to leave town since his girl is so ashamed of him. He hides out at the blind school.

You might not remember Julie Anne as Amelia in "Little House on the Prairie" but you may remember her as the tomboyish Cindy Webster in the first season of "The Facts of Life" or her role as Cindy Webster in the episode "The Slumber Party" in the second season of the "Different Strokes" or even her role as 'Club President' in the first season episode entitled "Julie's Rejection" from that great Nell Carter vehicle "Gimme a Break!"

Anyway, when her father is involved in an accident, he nearly dies. He wants to die so as not to burden his poor daughter with her embarassment of his weight. An operation to save his life is nevertheless performed. Amelia, after overhearing how much this blind girl Sue values his presence at the school because he made her this nice loom and bead necklace,she goes up to her father's room and reveals to her unconscious dad how much she loves him. He pulls through.

And what does Michael Landon want when he finds out that Mr. Bevins pulls through? A sandwich. Go figure.

And me? I start a new job monday. Bummer.

I Am the Guy Who...

A rewrite homage to you, mister strong yet sensitive...

You notice as you enter Angles in Adams Morgan just before midnight.

Through the dim lights, the sound of screaming drunk guys from Maryland or Virginia and Carpenters on the jukebox, you walk to an empty wooden stool and sit down...casually glancing to your left, you notice Him, though before seeing Him, you feel Him.

Your eyes focus in the dim lights, the bar candles flickering, the mellifluous voice of Karen Carpenter… "Don't you remember you told me you loved me baby? You said you'd be coming back this way again baby. Baby, baby, baby, baby, oh, baby. I love you, I really do.” Him. You notice Him. He's quietly singing along. A tear rolls down his cheek. He's sensitive. He's also at least 6 feet tall, but shorter sitting down, boney girl arms, and from the eyes you see, a man of depth, a man of passion, a man whose probably had one too many Miller Lites. His brown hair adds the perfect accent to the dancing candle light and shimmers on his lime green leisure suit and yellow buffalo shirt.

It’s the eyes…they capture you with their depth. Instantly you know this man is one of power, purpose, raw sexual magnetism, of, dare I say, taste and being accustomed to the finer things in life. A man who probably knows how to do the hustle as well as the white man’s overbite. Maybe even the Robocop and the Smurf.

Your casual glance leads your eyes to lap. The bunch of fabric at his crotch leads you to believe this is a guy that uses his penis pump every single day. Not only for You but also for Him.

Your eyes meet, and despite his boney girl arms, you know his eyes are not those of a frail girly man, but one of mental focus, savage intensity, and strength. A man practiced in the finer arts of man on woman sensuality.

Slight smiles are exchanged and your heart skips a beat when you hear him say a simple “wanna do it in the bathroom?” through his eyes.

You know instinctively He is one of those who has power....the power to hire and fire at will, move objects with his mind, the power to snatch the remote from your hands and channel surf, never landing on a single channel, but cycling through all 150 channels over and over and over and over.

Powerful but sensitive. Especially when too many Miller Lites he's had. He has a weakness for the Carpenters. That he also probably got misty near the end of "She's Having a Baby," when Kevin Bacon thinks something might have happened to Elizabeth McGovern or the baby in childbirth or on that episode of "Little House on the Prairie" when Mary loses her eyesight. Or maybe even recently during "Happy Gilmore" when Adam Sandler saves grandma's house.

His voice flows across the table past you, as he orders a drink from the waitress. A firm voice this man has...definitely one who commands respect...and who knows how to be in charge. You look at him closer...he must be in his late 20s, but perhaps early 30s...not sure.

You know he is not one to simply charge at every woman He sees. To most he is just a friend, to some a confidant, and to a rare few: paramour.

A waitress places a drink before you. Puzzled you look up at her since you’d not ordered a thing. With a finger she points to Him. And as smile crosses your face you are momentarily distracted as he deftly slips a Rohypnol into your Appletini.

Male with questions for a woman

He has one. I have many. Here are three:

Ok, so I'm about 6 feet tall and about 170 lbs. I could be in better shape than I am but I'm a bit on the gangly side, carrying most of my weight around my midsection. I've been unemployed for about one month and celibate for about three. I'm happily collecting unemployment, but I do have a new job I will be starting up next month. Ok, so assuming the earth will be destroyed with fire, and all the nations of the earth will be destroyed along with it, why, when the "New Earth" or "New Jerusalem" comes, will the nations need healing like it says in Revelation 22:2? How can you heal something that is already dead and burned? If the New Jeruslam is the saved of all ages, when all things have ended and we have embarked into eternity; when sin, death, Hades and Satan have all been cast into the lake of fire; all evil has been disposed of, sin has been finally purged; there is no more sickness, no more hunger or thirst; the former things shall not be remembered or even come to mind; why would they need healing if they are now in eternal bliss? I don't get fundies...

Also, in the "Art of Sexual Ecstasy," Margo Anand devotes a chapter to Healing the Vajra, a massage that heals the "body armoring" and sensitizes the penis. You're supposed to begin with a "Heart Salutation" and "Melting Hug." The guy is supposed to like on his back, feet on the floor, knees raised, and thighs spread apart. Your partner is supposed to sit cross-legged in front of the guys penis and make an offering of a bowl containing a flower floating in water and say, "I offer you this flower as a sign of my love. May it capture and dissolve any tensions that have kept Vajra away from his power. I am honored to be Vajra's healer." If you did this to me, would you be offended if I laughed? This sounds so stupid. I don't get New Agers...

And if someone can tell me why younger guys think that "popped" collar look is cool I'd be most appreciative. I mean we used to do that in the 80s. Pretty soon they'll start wearing two of these shirts at the same time with both collars "popped." It doesn't seem very masculine to me...

Thanks for taking a moment to review and respond.

My reading list.

His. Mine. Your thoughts?

Your thoughts?

Robert Greene. The Art of Seduction.

Margo Anand. The Art of Sexual Ecstasy.

Edward Springer, Ed. The Penthouse Letters.

Edward Springer, Ed. More letters from Penthouse

Edward Springer, Ed. Letters to Penthouse III.

George Bataille. Story of the Eye.

David Richo. How to be an Adult in Relationships: The five keys to mindful loving.

He gets letters:

"Interesting Reading List--I have read the first two are FABULOUS! And the last one is good, but not as great as the first 2. The others-- i haven't read.. maybe i should? Another good one is FABULOUS sex- 28 day plan.."

Highly Evolved Elitist Seeks Beauty

Elitistism. Yeesh.

I am highly evolved, and all of the women I date claim they are also highly evolved, but five minutes into the conversation I can tell they really know very little about popular culture: What is a pog? The Mighty Morphin Power Rangers made a movie? Jenny Lewis of Rilo Kiley played Judy Jones in the "Ben's First Kis"s episode of "Growing Pains" AND was Hannah Nefler in "Troop Beverly Hills" AND was Christin in "Pleasantville"? German singing sensation David Hasselhoff played the role of Boner in "Revenge of the Cheerleaders" AND had a full frontal nude scene? They also make mistakes in speaking English, or they eat with the wrong fork, or they wear the wrong tops, revealing too little cleavage, or they're nasty and mean to me when I am helping them out by pointing out their flaws. Go figure.

In Washington, DC especially, the women are narrow, humorless, and uninteresting. They talk about wanting guys who have "values" or "jobs" who aren't "psycho" and won't "stalk" them. They want "hotties" who are "articulate" and "size" matters or are looking for their "Jack McCoy" or want to be "in like" and don't want to be "lonely." I have none of these qualities.

As you can tell, I hold myself above most people, and while this may sound vain and impossibly arrogant, I do so because I am simply too refined, educated, erudite, know which forks to use when, and frankly, too impossibly brilliant for the vast majority of women out there. Yes, I did try having a relationship with the mirror in my bedroom, and it was working for some time, but I realized I cannot spread my man seed and superior genetics onto a mirror and have it result in superior offspring. It just made my mirror all messy.

Which picture is better?

Which picture indeed.

I'm looking for some honest female feedback ... which picture is better, wearing a buffalo shirt, wearing a baby, or a nice pair of tits?

Miserable failure seeks woman to fill her up with his man-stuff

Get spoiled.

I'm a miserable failure but come from a privileged background. I'm WM, 6', 170 lbs, squishy, dark hair/eyes, twitchy, bashful...yet not arrogant. A former punk as well. My selfish fantasy is to have a woman to fill her up with my man-stuff. I seek an intelligent, very attractive WF, in-shape gal 20-35. Lead your life as you choose...know that I need quality time with my X-Box.

The extent of my psychosis could be significant, but we need to evolve the relationship. I travel (often by bus - the 42 line) and may take you with me at times (I've got lots of tokens). I would appreciate your picture and feedback to speed the process along.

He gets letters:

"this could work....35 y.o female very fit and slender. Sassy, cool and adventurous in search of a sex partner and who knows."

I'm intelligently designed by the sweet baby Jesus

Heh.

Born-again, never married virgin seeks white female virgin for some godly Christian courtship. Not interested in Catholics, Presbyterians, Mormons, Methodists, Unitarians, Episcopalians, Christian Scientists, Vegans, Wiccans, Foreigners or anyone else that might introduce me to exotic new ideas that might cause me to question my True Christian beliefs. I will, however, pray for your quick end and a speedy journey to a very hot place, where you will be makin' s'mores with Satan. And they won't even taste good. Amen.

Must be height and weight proportionate, into sunsets, walks on the beach, George W. Bush, Christian worship and fellowship, the book of Leviticus, protesting secular humanism, and judging the unsaved. Please no hang-ups or extra baggage.



He gets letters:

"Your CL posting can't be serious!?"

"Did you put it in yet?"

Larger than your average bear...

if you are a woman used to dating guys with a average or large size penis...why not give yourself the mystery of the smallest you have ever seen...you will certainly exclaim "did you put it in yet?" - tall sexy white very successful dc guy -

The longest and most repeated post....by me anyway

This wacky guy reposts several times a day. I guess to be on top or something.

Greetings ladies,

I’ve been playing with myself for a while now, but lately I find that I've been finding this arrangement pretty boring, and I think I'm getting pretty good at this sex thing. I find that I miss the things that having a serious relationship can give you that “dating” just doesn’t really seem to encompass. I don't want to get a dirty look from you if I burb or fart. Or making sweet sweet love on the kitchen table.

I miss those nights imagining lying on the couch with you against my chest and my arms wrapped around her. Enjoying the warmth of your body, sharing some popcorn and a movie, and enjoying the smell and feel of your hair. Maybe I'll clip off a lock and keep it in my "special memories" place along with a pair of your soiled panties and maybe some other stuff I found in your garbage. Maybe your nail clippings. Maybe there will also be lighted candles in this place along with a picture of you.

Everything else is just whatever. Perhaps I first noticed you on metro. Maybe it was the red line. Maybe I followed you home one night so I know where you live. Maybe you already have a boyfriend. Not to worry, I tell myself, there is no way you love him as much as you love me. You just don't know it yet. I know you have a nice body because I was looking in your window one night after you had taken a shower. You had just gotten back from your evening run. The moisture from the shower glistened on your perfect skin as you dried yourself. I wonder how you taste as I come in my pants.

I like hiking, camping, board games, cards, biking, and even movies. I even watch that junk on TV sometimes now. I like any kind of music pretty much. I enjoy concerts, and museums. I'm a movie junkie. I want to try trepanning, extreme sports like para-snobording, and a whole list of other things. I want to try making the perfect girlfriend out of the parts of other girls that I admire. Do you like any of this stuff? Does it matter? Never tried any of it? Well then we have tons to talk about, and a whole new list of adventures to try. Done them all and didn’t care for any of them? Well what do you do, I’m always looking for new stuff to try. You write interesting messages out of words you cut out of magazines? You into taxidermy? Well hell show me how cause that is just cool. I’m an older child. I’m into human psychology. There’s common ground between us. I can find it. I always do. I can relate to damn near any human being on this planet who’s ever had a sane, lucid moment.

Maybe I’m living in the wrong era for this, maybe I’m ahead of my age, or behind in the game, maybe I’m in the wrong city, or just looking in the wrong place, in the wrong time. Maybe I should build a space ship or found my own society on a secluded island and do genetic experiments grafting human DNA to animal DNA. Maybe I could create rat-men, and walrus-men, and giraffe-men who will do my bidding. Maybe wanting something like this makes me less of a man. Maybe it makes me like a god-man. Maybe there’s to much mad scientist and not enough hopeless realist in me. Maybe I should hide my emotions and just be another prick at the bar. Or maybe just continue to stalk you. Who knows? I’m me. I like me. Maybe you will, too.

So anyway a little more about me: I'm adventurous, love excitement, and can embrace a challenge rather than just seeing obstacles. I'm honest at all times and am not tactful when that honestly can be hurtful. If you ask me if your butt is big in those jeans I'll say, "yep" or "nope" or "wow you got a lot of junk in your trunk" or even "does that thing have its own gravity." I remember birthdays, Valentine’s Day, and things like that and try to come up with interesting things to do. Not just a e-card. Maybe an e-card and a gift certificate to Hechts.

I’m 6’0, 172 lbs 36 / brown hair/ brown eyes. I’m white and was raised by my white mom and dad so I don’t really have much of a non-white background. I can cook and I know the word for money in maybe two languages and can order beer in about 3-4 European languages. I love to travel. Oh and I tend to ramble, as if you couldn’t already tell. I’ve often been complimented on my penis on more than one occasion. They say things like, "hey, nice penis" and "I've seen bigger," and "Help! Police!" Maybe it makes me sound arrogant but I think I’m a good person on the whole.

You can come with me against your will or no
In my basement I'll talk about how I want to be your beau
I'm sure the love between us is bound to grow
I think it's called Stockholm Syndrome or something

You'll make all my dreams come true
My personal zombie I'll make of you
A chemical lobotomy I'll perform
After I bore a hole in your skull with my power drill or something.

As day fades, and darkness nears
We’ll reap the bounty that love rears
And I'll whisper softly and sweetly in your ears
But you won't respond since your a zombie or something

--- Mr. Banana Hammock

He gets letters:

"Thank you for coming back to us, you devil, you. If only you could tell that I'm the girl you've been waiting for."

Unemployed? Bored?

I'm bored too. But I am no longer professionally employed. :-(

Me too. I don't know how many times I can watch Kevin Costner in "The Postman" or "Jonah: A VeggieTales Movie" without wanting to dig my eyes out of my skull with fork.

Hang out in Dupont Circle? Panhandle? Check out a matinee? Go drinking around 11am? Yell obscenities at tourists? I'm game for whatever unemployed people do.

Sensual First Date: Lets go play miniature golf!

First date? Strip Club. Classy.

I am a SWM professional who is tired of boring first dates. I am a very sensual person and so I thought it would be fun and highly erotic to go play miniature golf on the first date. Its stimulating and replete with sensuosity. I am not a pervert -- I am a successful profressional. I just like to do things that are out of the ordinary. Let me know if you think this sounds fun -- or if you have any suggestions of your own.

Two Become One!!!

Codependency Thursday! But not for this guy.

Hi,
Im a 36 year old American. I'm looking for a relationship where we do everything together, go everywhere together, love everything about each other.

Dont get me wrong, Im saying "Strings attached". Literally. With real string. Until we can afford the surgery that would have us connected together. We wouldn’t have to share organs. That might be too intrusive. Maybe just a flap of skin.

So thats why Im here on CL. If you feel the same way, maybe we could get to know each other better. Drop me a line, lets chat or meet up for a drink and who knows...I'll bring string.