“Ass Cleavage” by Mr. Banana Hammock (not Omari)

More OMARI!

Recently a good friend of mine sent me an article from the New York Observer on the latest craze to hit New York. Basically men are intentionally showing an inch or so of butt crack. Luckily the craze seems to be confined to the under-30 crowd. The author postulates that this is an evolution of metrosexuality and that these low-rise jeans speak to a male co-opting of a very particular form of female vanity: the idea that we need to suffer to look good.

But I’m thinking, they’re not suffering by exposing their butt crack, I am by being forced to look at it. And please don’t respond by saying that I don’t have to look at it and that I can look at something else like that braless and nippley girl a tight tank top over there. I know what I’d rather be looking at, but when presented with bare skin and a hairy man crack it’s almost impossible to notice anything else, or even look away. We’ve all been there I think. Some guy fixing an appliance. He’s all bent over on his knees. And then blammo: Man Crack. Try looking away. I dare you. It’s sort of like that impulse to look at a solar eclipse when you are told not to and if you do you will go blind.

I used to date this woman who I would do this thing to all the time. It was a nice sunny day, and I’d point and say, “Hey, look at the sun.” She fell for it every single time. I’m not sure if this was mean or not, but it certainly was funny. I’d always get socked in the arm after that. Perhaps I deserved it. I’m not sure. And her eyesight was pretty lousy when I met her to begin with, so I don’t think I caused her any permanent damage.

Another thing that apparently can cause blindness is masturbation. My mother always said that playing with myself will cause me to grow hair on my palms and it will cause me to go blind. My hands are no hairier than your average “man hands.” And my vision is nearly perfect. Just a slight astigmatism in one eye. And I never heard anyone say that masturbation would cause a slight astigmatism in one of my eyes. Or if they did I wasn’t paying attention. Hmmmm.