Can you handle a guy who doesn't have "size" and "duration" issues

We left true tales of Mr. Banana Hammock with me heading home for what I thought would be an uneventful evening at my Adams Morgan compound. I had given Jim some advice on how to deal with his “size” and “duration” issues. I’m in my yellow bustier and with leopard print hipsters like Sushmita Sen wore in Tumko Naa Bhool Payenge. Anyway, as I turn the corner from 18th Street to Columbia Road, I am ambushed by members of Incognito Sweetie’s Tae Bo Underground. They’re pouring out of Pasta Mia.

Me? Surrounded. My totally ripped physique taught from head to toe. My mastery of the ancient and deadly Shohei-Ryu-Bollywood Karate is once again put to the test. I fend off a series Knee-Front Kick-Jack Combos, Knee Cross Combos, Back Fist Punches, and Side Lunge Stretches from these practitioners of the apostate version of a generally benevolent martial art brought to us by the Blanks conglomerate. I then break out in song. “Dhakka Laga Bhukka.” I have no idea what the words mean, but my rendition is as exquisite as it is frightening:

Dhakka Laga Bhukka
Khayega Re Mukka
Ban Ja Re Ban Ja Mashal-E-Raah
O Yuva Yuva... O Yuva
Hum Albely Bade Manchaley
Dhum Jo Lagi To Chale Hum Chale
Chahee Phir Kaee
Yuhi Kisi Duniya Ki Kaamo Mein
Haath Milaye Na
Sang Chale Na

Confusion spreads among my foes as I lash out with savage intensity: Snake-creeps-down-and performs-the-dance-of-the-Shakti, Golden-cock-stands-on-one-leg-Dhandia, and needle-at-sea-bottom-Araalam mudra followed with a HamsaPaksham mudra. Those not left bloodied, battered and unconscious flee. I hope that they have finally learned their lesson.

I cross the street and stop by El Safeway. I’m hungry for pygmy hippopotamus steaks. I also picked up a Ranch salad kit. Inside a lovely asks if she can make a charcoal rubbing of my glutes. As always I’m happy to oblige. Two minutes later I’m headed back to the Adams Morgan compound for dinner.

Shohei-Ryu-Bollywood Karate. Eating endangered species. Poise. Grace. Power and intensity. Dignity. And if you think you can handle a guy that doesn’t have a problem with “size” and “duration,” you know where to write.