Do you need attention from an expert of man on woman sensuality?

I meet Jim for dinner at the New Big Wong in the heart of Chinatown. I’m wearing my Carla Behrle leather pants. No shirt. Jean Lafonts with orange-tinted lenses. My gold medallion of Zhuangzi and Huizi strolling on Bridge Hao and contemplating whether or not the fish are happy is slapping against my ripped pecs. I think they’re happy. The fish too. Anyway, Jim calls me out of a late afternoon meeting with my PR team for this early dinner. We’re working out strategy for my negotiations with high government officials in Maryland to consult on what I am known for: love, looking good, and dignity; and how to import my image and style. Jim says, “Meet me at the New Big Wong. I spoke to my people and I think I might have something on Incognito Sweetie.” So the furries know something after all. My office is far. I am there in about an hour. I could’ve made it in 30 minutes, but there are way too many pretty ladies out today. I have to stop a few times to give them my trademark flex-wink-point with a thumb trigger.

Waiting for my General Tso’s chicken, Jim proceeds to let me know what he’s found out about Incognito Sweetie. Jim, “I spoke to my people. PeterBunny and JulieRaccoon say they know of her. As you know, she runs the Tae Bo Underground. They’re apostate. Shunned by the Blanks conglomerate. They threw out all the faith and spirit aspects of the martial art and use its tenets for the forces of evil. You name it, they traffic in it: Lalique Crystal, human hair, bubble gum, soap. They run the entire Jambupati statuette trade out of Myanmar and distribute throughout Southeast Asia.”

“Ok, Ok,” I say, “I get the picture.

I can just imagine how formidable a foe Incognito Sweetie will be with this information. Tae Bo. Unleashed. Total commitment, awareness of the world, excellence in whatever they do, the body as a force of change. Obedience to their will. My head spins. I might soon find out the level of Incognito Sweeties’ total commitment to excellence. I’m not looking forward to do battle with this group. I encountered them earlier, but I think they were merely Tae Bo Boot Camp beginners, not the fearful Boot Camp Elite. I’m going to have to meditate on how to counter the Hip Flexor Stretch, the Side Lunge Stretch and the Knee-Front Kick-Jack Combo. I’m going to have to draw deeply into my knowledge of the ancient and horrible martial art of Shohei-Ryu-Bollywood Karate.

“Does she have any trademarks? I saw her in a lycra spandex bodysuit at the gym the other night, but I doubt she goes around town in that,” I ask Jim. “Not much,” says Jim, “PeterBunny agrees with your assessment that she’s totally hot. Apparently he heard she wears a signature black feather boa. He didn’t mention anything else.”

The General Tso’s chicken arrives. We’re eating. Jim says, “I tried your tip of the nose Root Chakra thing and nothing. Any other suggestions?” I’m like, “I shouldn’t be giving you this. It can be very powerful, but very, very dangerous. Go for the dan-tian.” Jim says, “The dan-tian?” Rolling my eyes, “The dan-tian. The elixir field. The area just above the pubic bone. Where’d you go to school anyway?” Sheepishly Jim replies, “Middlebury.” Rolling my eyes, “Ok. You use S-O-F-T, L-I-G-H-T touches or just R-E-S-T your palm on the elixir field, um right above the pubic bone, letting the energy flow from your hand into her body. Too far south and you’ll ruin it.” Jim’s like, “What will this do?” I respond, “Touching her dan-tian stimulates her sacred spot from the outside. When pressure is lightly applied to the area, she starts to breathe into that area and experiences enhanced arousal.” Then Jim’s all, “That doesn’t sound like a lot of fun for me.” Me, “Well, Jim, sometimes it’s more than being just about you. Sometimes it’s about the lady. Trust me. I didn’t become the foremost expert of man on woman sensuality and intense psychological and physical pleasure by going strait for the Yoni.”

With that I head back to the office. I’ve got some planning to do, some research to do on what makes the Tae Bo Underground, and the mysterious Ms. Incognito Sweetie, tick.

So I begin to wonder how she strayed from the honorable and ancient art of Tae Bo in a way that I would never stray from the ancient and horrible martial art of Shohei-Ryu-Bollywood Karate. But that’s just me. Poise. Dignity. Advice. Bricolage. Langue and Parole. Form and Content. That is what I am about.

Be not afraid. I'll always respect your Yoni, being that my expertise is in man on woman sensuality. And if you care to be lifted to new levels of sensuosity, you know where to write.