A totally ripped physique that can induce labor

My weekend retreat to my island hideaway in Pulau Tinggi was just what the doctor ordered. Recharged my batteries and it shows. Relaxed. Even tan all over thanks to my Jan Tana Hair Remover. I'll need to hit the gym soon to be ready for the Bally Jute Mill Bodybuiding Invitational in Bangladesh later this month.

I head to Tryst this afternoon for an ISS Effervescent Creatine Orange and Strawberry Smoothie. I'm in my Carla Berhle leather pants. No shirt. I walk in the room and all the ladies are looking up from their laptops. A pregnant woman almost went into labor. I tone it down as much as I can. I give them my Front Double Biceps and Back Lat Spread combo before taking a seat at the bar. I scan the room. Hot blonde lady in a sheer white top and short black skirt. I notice she is noticing me -- muscle mass, density, ripped definition, intensity, raw animal power. I give her a point and wink.

While I'm drinking my ISS Effervescent Creatine Orange and Strawberry Smoothie Jim stops by. He wants to let me know that the Furry Nation is behind me and my battle with Incognito Sweetie and the Tae Bo Underground. They appreciate the sex advice I've been dispensing. I'm glad to hear I can count on the furries and their lethal animaru-Karate, Their soft suits make them invulnerable to most forms of Karate. But they are untested against apostate version of Tae Bo practiced by the Tae Bo Underground. Along with my practice of the ancient and horrible art of Shohei-Ryu-Bollywood Karate we should be up to the challenge.

Jim wants more sex advice for his lady. The Root Chakra technique did nothing and he was having trouble with the dan-tian, always wanting to go straight for the Yoni. He is a selfish lover, unlike yours truly. This time I try to keep him as far from the Yoni as possible. "Gently suck her upper lip between your lips, so that your lower lip lightly rubs her frenulum, " I say. "What does that do," says Jim. I'm, "The frenulum is a direct channel to the clitoris. Women have been known to get clitoral orgasms from this." Jim's all, "then I can go for the Yoni?" Shaking my head in disgust, "You're too quick on the Yoni. Patience. Trust me. I didn’t become the foremost expert of man on woman sensuality and intense psychological and physical pleasure by going straight for the Yoni.”

My work there done, I head home to practice my bedroom eyes. Patience. Dignity. Advice. A totally ripped physique that can induce labor. That is what I am about. And if you are tired of the guys on craigslist who don't appreciate women who speak in meta-messages, you know where to write.

He gets letters:

"Want a massage? NO recip. IM lookin for a clean Str8m."

"The furries are coming...And they're going straight for my frenulum!!!! Ab Fab, this time...lad!"