I won't hang from your nipples like a nursing baby.

Rough night. I wouldn’t recommend mixing baby fur seal somatotropin and margaritas at Mixtec in Adams Morgan. Bartender is heavy on the tequila. After work that is where I went. Looking for a change of scenery. Perhaps looking to avoid dispensing advice on man on woman sensuality to the truly lovelorn and inept Jim. I pray he learns to respect the yoni soon. I ordered the macaque flautas rancheras. What impressed me the most was the dish's golden corn tortillas that harmonized finely with the refried beans which, it should be said, were not over-burdened with lard as are their canned cousins. Important to me in particular, since the Bally Jute Mill Bodybuilding Invitational in Bangladesh is coming up soon. I need to preserve my lean muscle mass. I owe it to the fine ladies of Washington, DC to look good in my Carla Behrle leather pants. No shirt.

After dinner I head to Angles for a Higher Power Creatine Monohydrate and Boomsma Jonge Genevere Gin, hoping it is late enough not to run into Jim. That would not be the case. Me in my Carla Behrle leather pants. No shirt. Jim sidles up to the bar next to me in his Sugar Baby fur suit. He’s all, “Hey. Got any more sex tips for me? That woman I met on craigslist can be so cold.” I’m all, “Babe. You’re still concentrating too much on the yoni. You need to think about it as pleasuring her. Drive her wild. Make her want you.” So he’s, “OK, so what do I do?” Ok. I’ve given him the Root Meridian. The frenulum. The puppet. I’m trying to keep him as far away from the yoni as possible. Build up the arousal. That is why I am considered the foremost expert on man on woman sensuality. This is why nobs like Jim come to me for advice. Anyway, I’m like, “Babe. You’re going in. The nipples.” Jim’s, “The nipples? Isn’t that obvious?” And I’m, “No. Not a big surprise, but you have to have an approach. The nipples directly correlate to the clitoris. So for obvious reasons you don’t want to hang from them like a nursing baby. Tickle, tease, caress, kiss, nibble. Focus on giving your craiglist woman a variety of gentle, pleasurable sensations.” He’s, “then I can tackle the yoni.” I’m, “Tackle. Not the word the foremost expert in matters relating to man on woman sensuality would use, but I guess.” Hopeless.

Back at the office for a late night bull session with my PR team. My itinerary set for my trip to Maryland to meet high government officials to negotiate terms on importing my image and style – looking good, stamina, ripped definition, intensity, and dignity. We don’t want to saturate the market with my image and style, and we don’t want to connect my image and style with just anything and everything. So we are careful. They’re thinking: Hugger-Mugger Yoga Products, MuscleTech® supplements, such as CELL-TECH™ and ACETABOLAN III®, and feminine hygiene products. My head bobbing to the sound of music only I can hear, I’m thinking: Yeah.

I head home hungry. A bit woozy from my baby fur seal somatotropin margarita at Mixtech. I’ll finish off what’s left of my manatee-pate and toast points. Total control. Image marketing. Grace and Dignity. Eating endangered species. Dispensing advice on man on woman sensuality. That is what I am about. And if you want a guy that won’t hang from your nipples like a nursing baby, you know where to write.

He gets letters:

"[Mr. BananaHammock], my nipples are cringing just thinking about your friend's crude attempts. I hope he will be sober enough to recall your advice at crunch time."