Mr. Banana Hammock dispenses hot sock puppet love advice

So after work I head for the gym. Tonight I'm working on my lats, abs, and pecs. I shower. Slip on my Carla Behrle leather pants. No shirt. I'm practicing my posedown in front of the mirror when I notice that there is a problem. Damn. Another $2000 down the drain. Ruined another pair of Behrles because of a muscle I don't need to work on. My pubococcygeus. I throw on my heavy gold chain with a medallion of a Buddha Vitarka Mudra flanked by a couple of Bodhisattvas and head out to Angles to meet up with some of my fans. My strut is somewhat muted because of the bagginess up front, but that doesn't stop me from flexing, pointing and winking at the women that catch my eye.

At Angles I order a Cadenhead's Old Raj Gin and Hybolin Decanoate and settle in with Jim. He is seeking love advice. One of the three types of advice I normally dispense. Love, looking good, and dignity. Jim's like "Look, I'm hot for Anita." And I'm like, "Way out of your league pal. There is someone for everyone in this town. Check out craigslist for instance: Married women searching for a long-term EMA, she's 5'4, 190lbs, well-proportioned, large chest, long brown hair with natural red highlights, brown eyes...or how about this one? Men please stop posting here. I like to read replies to posts here."

"Her?" he says. I'm just nodding. It could've been the movement my head makes like I'm listening to music only I can here, but it sounds like he's set on tackling that project. "I'm going to write her when I get home. What'da think will drive her wild?"

I take a sip of my Cadenhead's Old Raj Gin and Hybolin Decanoate, crack my neck and scan the room. "Her knees. Put your fingers on one hand as if it were a sock puppet with its mouth closed. Better yet take one of your socks and put it on your hand and make a sock puppet - now place the tips of them lightly on her knee. Let your fingers slide apart and down her knee as if it were an egg in a hand-sock puppet running down and bring them back up in a similar fashion. Move your sock puppet hand above her knee and do it again. (Keep going up to about half-way up and then move to the side of her leg so that you don't make her uncomfortable.) Try at various speeds and forces and do so until she orgasms. Never fails."

I order a Sambuca and stacked amino acids and secretagogues shot, down it and head home. My work here is done.

Power. Inner dialogue. Punctuation. Advice. Dignity. That's what I'm about. If you can handle the intensity, drop me a line.

He gets letters:

"You truly have the most amusing posts on cl. How many are you up to now? I remember not too long ago when you reached a milestone. Keep 'em coming. Sometimes they're the highlight of my day, and that's just sad."

"Can't help but notice the repeated references to leather pants, lats, and Buddha. Strictly from a literary point of view. I use the serial comma."