"Trapped in the Closet" by Mr. Banana Hammock (not R. Kelly)

I am at home today. Cleaning and watching "Trapped in the Closet" by R. Kelly, episodes 1-5. This has got to be one of the singularly worst set of songs I've ever heard. And yes, I own a copy of DC Star's "Rockin' in the Classroom" and many Gordon Lightfoot CDs. What is real bad is that I am singing a narrative of my cleaning and motivating myself to "go to the dry clea-ners, yea baby, the dry clea-ners." Ugh.

[singing soulfully]

I'm at home today. At home today. Been taken the day off today. I'm watching MTV. R. Kelly's Trapped in the Clo-set. It's a half hour long show long show of parts one thru five. Oooone thru five. Of the Trapped in the Clo-set videos. R-Kelly's cheatin' on his girl. The girl he's cheatin' on ain't a teen. Weheheheird.

Parts one through fiiive. One through five detail a tang-led web of sexual relations outside of marriage. Outside of marriage. Along the way guys on the down low, gun vi-o-lence, the moral standing of cler-gy, and ohhhther issuse are fea-tured. Gotta get me one of them Benz.

It seems to me. It seems to me, all of this inanity foi-sted on me. On me ya, baaby, was a result of his own bitches “ex-haling.” While I understand fidel-ity fidel-ity is important in a re-la-shunship, this predictable predictable predictable and corn-y ghetto nah-rra-tive don't do it fo-oor me, ba-by. Ohhh yea baaaaaby..

Chapters 6-10 are allegedly forthcoming. Fo-oh-oh-orthcoming. God help us all. Ooooh yea, Star Trek is on Spike.

He gets letters:

"I am laughing out loud at your post. And I am wondering which is more absurd, you watching R Kelly and composing that CL yarn or me listening to 80s vintage Moby techno and reading your post in the middle of the day. But it was good."

"you really got to quit with these postings. you've gotta to have something better to do than report your life on cl."

"I'm sorry to bother you, but I just wanted to thank you for entertaining me daily. I've started to look forward to your prose. Todays installment "Trapped in the Closet" was great. I've been secretly making fun of that video since I watched it a couple of weeks ago."