"Tom Jones" by Mr. Banana Hammock (not Omari)

Omari, I do hope Leno discovers you...

went to the Tom Jones concert the other night with a friend and he began to make me feel not so bad turning 36 this year – sans birthday sex and all. The way I figure it, if a sixty-something Welsh guy can be a sex-bomb, why not me? I’m in reasonably good shape, have all my hair and teeth, can dance funky, etc. I cannot sing worth a lick and women don’t throw their panties at me, but I wouldn’t mind if they did. Heck, I wouldn’t mind if they thought I was straight, which I am.

Last November my father flew into town to attend the 9th Annual Oyster Riot at the Old Ebbitt Grill. There were plenty of different kinds of oysters and wine to taste and the there was live music. Some blues act named Chickenhead. A group of girls from NOVA approached our table and we were all chatting. Me being not much of a wine guy I went to the beer tent and grabbed a beer. Upon returning I noticed the ladies had moved on and my dad, funny guy that he is, leans over and says that the girls had asked him if I was his son or “partner.” He still to this day will not tell me what he told them. Thanks, Dad!

Now while my father has gotten better in recent years, it is not beyond him to pull some seriously embarrassing shit. Maybe a little too much to drink at Christmas dinner and he’s pawing at mom’s boobs. Maybe a little upset on the day after Christmas about not getting a blowjob and complaining about it at the mall, in front of me and my then girlfriend. Or maybe the one-eared elephant gag.

I don’t think he is the creator of the one-eared elephant, but it was his favorite gag for a while years ago. I think it left me sufficiently scarred as I still remember the incident. First, the gag requires that you be a man. Also, it requires a pair of pants where you can turn the one of the front pockets inside-out. Last, it requires a pair of pants with a zipper or button fly. I think you all get the picture. Nobody was safe from the one-eared elephant unless you said yes you’ve seen one before.

In addition to lifting his shirt to show his remarkable sixty-something abs, Tom Jones also danced his signature dance which emphasizes pelvic thrusting and other sexually suggestive moves. Kind of makes you see Reverend Shaw Moore’s point when he was not supportive of Ren McCormack’s idea for a dance in Bomon. Anyway, I don’t think I could pull that sort of crap on the 42 or Red Line and get panties thrown at me, so I probably have to come up with another shtick.

Ever seen a one-eared elephant?